Twihards Have No Problem Getting Stank In The Hopes Of Meeting Their Vampire Fantasy Lover

I can't even imagine what this tent city smells like. Hysterical tears, patchouli and rotted Manic Panic.

I can't even imagine what this tent city smells like. Hysterical tears, patchouli and rotted Manic Panic.

So the next chapter in the Twilight…you aren’t really wanting me to type “saga” are you…just kick me in the nuts, then…premieres in LA on Thursday. It is now 10:22 pm Eastern time on Tuesday. Guess who’s camping out down at LA’s LA Live complex with cardboard cutouts of Robert Pattinson, tearful declarations that they would have his baby if only he would look at them and SEE THEIR EXTREME LOVE, and shitty panties (there is no way Ashley is getting out of line to use the bathroom at the taco place on the corner because he might show up and look at Jenn instead and Ashley got Robert’s face tattooed on her upper lip because he is vampire majesty who stalks her dreams and she will run Jenn over with her parent’s Honda Element if Robert ever dared look at Jenn and not her)? Yeah, Twihards.

E! is reporting that legions of them have formed their own community and are planning to secede from the United States to form their own Twilight nation unless President Obama promises to have Kristen Stewart killed at dawn on the Beltway in a Hitcher-type drawn and quartering with Mac trucks. Well, at least something good is coming out of this mania.

Don't even front, you knew queer teens like this one would be representin' (QueeTwiHards? BiTwiHards? BiTards? Wait...)

Don't even front, you knew queer teens like this one would be representin' (QueeTwiHards? BiTwiHards? BiTards? Wait...)

And these people mean business.

Shani Duncan flew an incredible 19 hours from Perth, Australia to set up camp—and this wasn’t her first time making a trek for Twilight. “I was here last year for New Moon,” Duncan told us. “I camped out for four days as well.”

Oh, and don’t think it’s just tweens and teens. Your college age people are dangerously close to being incarcerated in a psych ward over this shit.

Monica Siegel, a 22-year-old from Michigan, admitted Edward Cullen & Co. are more than just fictional characters to her and many of her friends. “It becomes a big part of your life when you get into the series,” she said. “You start really caring about the story and really relating to the characters in it.”

A lot of things don’t happen for people in Michigan (people just up and leave their homes abandoned in Detroit, true story) but there’s no need to retreat completely into a fantasy world, Mon. Brush that hair and head down to the bar and find a flesh and blood man. He may not be able to bite you and make you an immortal passion object for the rest of eternity but he will probably do you. And in the long run, that will do way more for you than copulation for one on a picture in Us of Bobby’s magical coiffe.

Mom, trust me when I say I'd end you for a drop of his sweat.

Mom, trust me when I say I'd end you for a drop of his sweat.

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2 Responses to “Twihards Have No Problem Getting Stank In The Hopes Of Meeting Their Vampire Fantasy Lover”

  1. This Was An Actual Conversation. « J. Harvey Says:

    […] J. Harvey I’m not the hero I could be, but not the dog I was « Twihards Have No Problem Getting Stank In The Hopes Of Meeting Their Vampire Fantasy Lover […]

    Like

  2. Monica Says:

    I am just now seeing this (it was sent to me via facebook) and I’d like to state that I’m not delusional and I don’t live in a fantasy world. I had way too much vacation time built up and planned to visit some friends in California. As it happened, the dates I had available matched up with the Eclipse premiere, and as a fan decided ‘What the hell?!’.
    I find it simultaneously hilarious and revolting the way the media tries desperately to make every Twilight fan into a mouth breathing, over obsessive, boderline psycho. I’ll concede that there are a fair few like that (and yes, they come out in force at these events) but some of us actually do have brain stems.

    Like

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