Archive for the ‘Bored people’ Category

Temp Diary, Day 7 – Snapshots

March 10, 2015

SS.Clockwatchers

The company I am temping for has a branch that is specifically for training new employees. This is where I am based.

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I Was WAITING For Mercede Johnston To Give Us Her Opinion!

July 16, 2010

Mercede had to lie on her FB or the government would steal her thoughts.

As you may know, I am a fan of Levi Johnston’s sister Mercede (someone blew the “s” off with a shotgun blast while aiming at a caribou). And I am a HUGE fan of her no-nonsense blog in which she dances delicately around how much she hates her brother’s babymama (you can just smell “that douchebag” wanting to pop out from in between the lines), and accuses the government of stealing the valuable state secrets that are on her Slipknot-stickered laptop. This week, Mercede’s dumb brother announced he had gotten engaged to the mother of his child, Bristol Palin. Yeah, Bristol is daughter of failed vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin. And Sarah is the politico pin-up girl for conservative closet cases. She ain’t that cute. I waited to write about the engagement until I heard what Mercede (her mother used the “s” to try and club the Down’s out of her other child) had to say. After all, bitch is at the center of this maelstrom! And by “maelstrom,” I mean “Sarah Palin spreading those fame legs in time for the 2012 political season.”

On her blog, Mercede lets us (and her brother and future sister-in-law) know what’s what.

“I do wish you guys would take a little more time with this decision. I certainly do not understand why you are rushing things. Unless of course there is some reason for the hurry.”

(ed. note – this is where Mercede accuses Bristol of having a baby in her womb. Or is just calling her fat. Slick, Mercede.)

She also says that she hopes the engagement “is a sincere decision” which “will bring you happiness.”

Oh my god, does she hate that bitch, huh? There’s going to be a lot of gum-snapping and side-eyes up in that church. And I’m talking about Sarah Palin as well as Mercede. Then again, Mercede is a refined lady. She will cover that tramp stamp for the occasion, only carry a pearl-handled revolver in her clutch as opposed to the usual .45, and perhaps even wrap a napkin around her PBR at the reception. You be that example, Mercede (the “s” busted out of there when Sarah told it Russia could invade at any second across the frozen expanse and a mortally wounded Jennifer Grey would pull the pin on a live grenade to take some Russkie troops with her. WOLVERINES! It’s Sarah’s favorite movie.)

Twihards Have No Problem Getting Stank In The Hopes Of Meeting Their Vampire Fantasy Lover

June 22, 2010
I can't even imagine what this tent city smells like. Hysterical tears, patchouli and rotted Manic Panic.

I can't even imagine what this tent city smells like. Hysterical tears, patchouli and rotted Manic Panic.

So the next chapter in the Twilight…you aren’t really wanting me to type “saga” are you…just kick me in the nuts, then…premieres in LA on Thursday. It is now 10:22 pm Eastern time on Tuesday. Guess who’s camping out down at LA’s LA Live complex with cardboard cutouts of Robert Pattinson, tearful declarations that they would have his baby if only he would look at them and SEE THEIR EXTREME LOVE, and shitty panties (there is no way Ashley is getting out of line to use the bathroom at the taco place on the corner because he might show up and look at Jenn instead and Ashley got Robert’s face tattooed on her upper lip because he is vampire majesty who stalks her dreams and she will run Jenn over with her parent’s Honda Element if Robert ever dared look at Jenn and not her)? Yeah, Twihards. (more…)

Gone Too Soon: An Amanda Bynes Career Retrospective

June 21, 2010

Is it REALLY a coup to look like a kumquat? Really?

Is it REALLY a coup to look like a kumquat? Really?

No, Penny Pingleton ain’t dead. But she did launch a thousand screaming sobs and God-cursing dives onto the coffin when she recently Twittered that she has left acting for good. Amanda Bynes, star of…that show with Kelly Taylor from 90210, and didn’t she have some sort of comedy thing on Nickelodeon when she was little…and uh, I think she foolishly re-did that awesome 80s movie where the girl poses as a dude in high school to like, uncover sexism (cuz’ no one noticed it before) and falls in love with the rebel. *tentatively* That was it, right? I mean it’s Amanda fucking Bynes. It’s not like Vanessa Redgrave has tapped out here. Oh, and she played Penny Pingleton. Mandy, no!

I’ve never written the movies & tv shows I’ve been apart of I’ve only acted like the characters the producers or directors wanted me to play
6:58 AM Jun 19th via web

Being an actress isn’t as fun as it may seem
6:59 AM Jun 19th via web

If I don’t love something anymore I stop doing it
7:47 AM Jun 19th via web

I don’t love acting anymore so I’ve stopped doing it
7:48 AM Jun 19th via web

I know 24 is a young age to retire but you heard it here first I’ve #retired
7:50 AM Jun 19th via web

Well, that’s it folks. Bynes out. You know Amanda doesn’t….wait…wow….jesus christ, look at that pic. That bitch is ORANGE. Remember back in the Marie Antoinette era when women wanted to be as pale as possible because it meant they didn’t work out in the fields? That script got flipped, huh?

For more of Amanda’s performing prowess, fast forward to 1:15. Uta Hagen herself couldn’t have gotten more emphasis out of “SeeWUHED!”

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Jennifer Aniston’s A Bore But I’m Sorta Annoyed She Landed Floyd From 30 Rock

June 11, 2010

Boring. But nice ass. For a lady.

Boring. But nice ass. For a lady.


You were supposed to end up with Liz Lemon. Dick.

You were supposed to end up with Liz Lemon. Dick.

Note: I know for a fact that I have two straight guy readers. So every once in awhile, I need to put some tail up on the screen to thank them for putting up with this much gayness. This one’s for you, Gerard and Justin.

Ok, so Jennifer Aniston is like a purse made out of popsicle sticks that your daughter made. Real fucking boring but everyone feels they have to coo over her and go “awww…” because a long time ago a smoldering seductress devil worshipping knife fan mysteria stole her man. But that was aeons ago. It’s been awhile. So what else is there here?

She was good on Friends (she has pretty good comedic timing) but since then has done mostly bullshit movies where she meets the right guy in a flower shop but can’t connect with him because she has colitis or some shit (literally). Not as hate-worthy as Owen Wilson or his ilk (actors who do every movie possible, or the same movie over and over, FUCKING MARMADUKE?!?!), but just…why are you still here? The other thing about her is that all her relationships are public and with other celebrities and she inevitably gets dumped so she comes off as pathetic. Her celebrity aura is PATHETIC. It’s a sickly yellow, and empty ice cream cartons orbit it.

But now Showbiz Spy sez that Aniston has hooked up with Floyd from 30 Rock. It’s sticking in my craw for some reason. I like Floyd. I know he married someone else other than Liz Lemon, but whenever he came on the screen to romance Liz, I kinda went “I never noticed it on SNL, but he’s sorta…cute.” He’s one of those thumb-looking guys (before you hate on me, so am I…if Paul Giamatti was a thumb…does anyone have a gas oven I can stick my oversized melon in?) but likable and cutesy.

Anyway, he’s divorced in real life and Popsicle Stick Purse met him on the set of her latest bullshit movie.

When Jen found out he was going through a break-up late last year, she made the effort to invite Jason over for dinner in case he was feeling lonely or down. They talked for hours and really opened up to each other. After a while, Jen realized she missed him in-between dates. She finds him hilarious. He is just what Jen needs — a solid, low key, funny man. It’s early days, but she’s quietly thrilled.

“Quietly thrilled” is how I feel whenever Angie’s strange ass and Aniston are both at the same event and despite Aniston trying to appear like she doesn’t give a fuck and Angie occupied by thinking about adopting more children or buying a new ornamental dagger to hide in a holster on her thigh, their eyes meet for a second and the sound from Kill Bill whenever Uma Thurman sees one of her targets starts howling in Aniston’s head and she sees red. THAT’S “quietly thrilled” for me. That and spicy tuna rolls from Beni in Quincy.

This post ended up in a weird place. It was just an expression of my dismay over Floyd from 30 Rock ending up in the same line-up as douchebag John Mayer and sleazy-ass Gerard Butler. He just seems too cutesy to be in the “I Eventually Dumped Jennifer Aniston” Club.

Note: His actual name is Jason Sudeikis but I know him better as Floyd from 30 Rock.

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Hey, Katy Perry – Shut Your Mouth

June 9, 2010
She's just mad because she wore half of Lindsay Lohan's outfit.

She's just mad because she wore half of Lindsay Lohan's outfit.

Ugh, this bitch just fell off. So Katy Perry seems to have watched Lady Gaga‘s new vid for “Alejandro,” and being a devout Christian got all offended. So people should only be provocative on your terms? She should be more offended that her music is fucking awful. Did you hear that dreck song “California Gurls?” Is someone holding Snoop Dogg’s family hostage so that he would guest on it?

Anyway, E! reports that she threw shade at Gaga on Twitter, The Social Messaging Choice of Twats Everywhere.

“Using blasphemy as entertainment is as cheap as a comedian telling a fart joke,” Perry tweeted yesterday.

I don’t like her point. I, myself, am not into toilet humor but Sophia had some pretty good fart jokes on The Golden Girls, and they were comediennes extraordinaire. And doesn’t this trick realize fauxmosexuality is blasphemy (as well as the supposed bisexuality she was singing about) to her Christian community? I kissed a girl…to sell records! Eat a dick, Katy.

What’s blasphemy is co-opting every single musical style possible in a soulless manner just to get your corny ass on the radio. Rock, dance, bubblegum pop, oh she’s SO diverse. Right. And your blue wig sucks.

Look at me, defending Gaga like some hysterical queen. I wasn’t overly jazzed about the clip myself, but I will totally send Katy’s high horse to the glue factory for her.

Oh, and yeah, in the interest of fairness…I have “Self-Inflicted” on my iPod. I heard it on Pandora one day, and I got into it. See, my honesty might reveal me to be a hypocrite but it’s still honesty! I’m not perfect! I have flaws! But those flaws comprise A DIAMOND!

Check this out. AWFUL.

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Gay Face: Guess Who?

June 2, 2010

Edgy like your knife!

Can you guess? I couldn’t until I read the post (and ganked the photo) over at D-Listed. Click on the link for the answer. And when you’ve got nothing but time on your hands, you go and get draggy and you salvage that relevance!

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Jimmy Kimmel And Sarah Silverman Proving That Even The Unattractive Celebrities Should Experience Sex Tape Scandals

September 30, 2009

kimmel

The stills above are reportedly from a sex tape featuring comedians Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman entangled in frumpy lust. I know, several of you just winced and went “sheesh..” in your minds. Hey, even people who look like thumbs should be able to exhibit their stupidity by taping their slapping of wets and then letting someone else get ahold of it to their ultimate humiliation.

This could be anyone, though. Or it could be just a goof from Kimmel or his ex. According to this site, the yuck yuck duo (literally) were on vacation and left their cam behind with this in it. The maid probably previewed it and wished she had poured bleach in her eyes when she had the chance.

Here’s the thing. I would probably enjoy this tape. I like big, goofy looking slobs (Note to The Boyfriend – not you, sweetie!) I’m a perv, so watching Kimmel’s big flabby ass bobbing up and down at a medium pace would enthrall me. I bet he gets winded really easily and reaches for a sub that’s down on the floor afterwards. But there would need to be a black bar over Sarah and not cuz’ I’m a mo’.

I often play this game with my straight guy friends…”Sarah Silverman or Tina Fey?” Sarah seems to win. Ugh. She tries too hard. I know her schtick is that she’s one of the guys but a hot(?) girl but I’m just feeling the blech. She seems like the sort of ho who enjoys the smell of her own farts. And likes to talk about it. I am a total chauvinist. It’s true. I like my women hot (in all shapes and sizes), fierce, witty, no-bullshit, stylish and elegant. I don’t like to think that they have rectums. I know they do, I just imagine that they don’t. I have enough gross guys in my life, I don’t need a woman emulating one. I can’t even deal with my own farts, let alone have a female friend telling me about hers. Yeah, I’m prissy like that. So that’s why Sarah Silverman is kinda Josie Grossie to me. I don’t need to hear her queef in a sex tape and then write a song about it.

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Hide. Now.

August 31, 2009

vxVfD

This call to sell your things, change your name and run with your children to the mountains is ganked from writer Warren Ellis’ blog.

I choose to believe she is experimenting with fictional impulses via her Facebook status update.

Otherwise – someone is making drugs look bad with all the ritual murder and feces smearing and children eating! Gawd! Jerks.

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