Archive for the ‘Bullshit Movies That I Will Never See’ Category

Apparently Julia Roberts Is A Huge Bitch

August 13, 2010

I'm going to have my own party in your party so you feel shitty about your party.

America’s Sweetheart (apologies to Sandy Bullock) Julia Roberts is reportedly in no way reluctant to flip the I’m A Star, So You Can Die switch. And here’s the thing…I can’t really fault her that much. She’s Julia Roberts. She’s one of the few real movie stars left. And when I say “movie star,” I don’t mean amazing actress. Julia is no Meryl. Hell, Julia is no Jodie. Or Annette. Or Julianne. She’s just charisma. We love the big mouth, and sparkling eyes, and the infectious laugh. Unfortunately, Julia REALIZES she’s one of the last real move stars left and it’s gone to her head. Someone needs to remind her ass that she once played second fiddle to Justine Bateman. Mallory, get over here!

So, Julia’s new epic Eat, Pray, Drugs is out..and ok, basically the gist of why she’s a bitch is that she went to the premiere party and then commented that it was “tacky” and threw her own party within the party and excluded a lot of people (including the author of the book) and people had to like abandon family members to be able to enter and it was really shitty of her. The rundown is over on Lainey Gossip (a very good gossip blog) and there are even more instances of why Julia is a huge bitch. Especially THIS one in which it’s evident that the people around her basically tell her she’s a goddess all the time so when she gets whiff of criticism, she goes berserk because she’s a STAR, damnit! A NEELY O’HARA-SIZED star.

But what I decided I wanted to post about is how everyone loves Eat, Pray, Drugs and a friend (who senses I’ve been in a questioning spiral of what the fuck? for decades) RECOMMENDED it to me because she thought it could help. Which was nice, but after reading the book jacket and seeing the trailer for what looks to be an eh-type of movie I’m left with this one thought:

THAT BITCH CAN GO ON A SOUL-SEARCHING WORLD TRIP AND EAT COUNTRYSIDES AND MEET AMAZING PEOPLE AND EXPERIENCE DIFFERENT CULTURES AND DRY-HUMP ELEPHANTS BECAUSE SHE HAS THE MONEY TO DO SO!

Bitch is like a high-powered editor or something! She has riches! She can just jet around the world. Regular people who are lower middle-class who are depressed and questioning why they’re even here can’t just hop on a fucking plane and make like some sort of entitled Carmen Sandeigo (sp.)! I can barely afford to find myself and commune with our world in the ice cream freezer down at the Tedeschi’s!

It’s a big slap in the face to those of us who feel they aren’t fulfilling society’s expectations of “successful.” Howabout a popular memoir and movie about two queers in an apartment who are barely making rent and have job woes and the puppy is barking REALLY loudly and what’s on the DVR and the only thing that anesthesizes at this point me is a Golden Girls re-run and microwave risotto. The meds aren’t working. It’s hot in the city, and sometimes I sit on the edge of the bed in my towel after showering in the morning (control your boner) and I have to physically summon the effort to get up and get dressed and go out the door into this shitty world. I can always wear a sari or something to give it a more multicultural flavor for the film version.

No one’s going to buy that, huh? Julia is pretty and even if her character doesn’t have her shit together, she’s representative of the people in the world who actually DO. The people who seem like a conundrum to me. Whom I ask “how?” about…

Anyway, as for Julia being a huge bitch, so be it. She’s got money. Though I am reminded of what Cher supposedly said about Madonna back in the late 80s. “I think she can afford to be a little more magnanimous and a little less of a cunt.” Dude, when that happened, did all the gays spin and die? It’s like if you were in Ancient Greece and Athena threw some shade at Hera.

This Was An Actual Conversation.

June 25, 2010

You can probably guess that I used this pic because Miley is dressed like Jesus Christ playing guitar in a field.

You can probably guess that I used this pic because Miley is dressed like Jesus Christ playing guitar in a field.

So this week was kinda full of running around and sweating a lot (“Africa hot” – seriously, I am so grody that I sweat through my Ponang chair from IKEA yesterday. This is not a joke, this not a hoax. Fuck summer.) and dropping the blogging ball so I hopped on Google reader and found this gem. Miley Cyrus doesn’t like vampires. And E! NEEDED to let the cast of Twilight know at the premiere of Eclipse last night in LA. More importantly, did the Twihard Tent City people hear this and try to track Miley’s fauxmosexual ass down? Who knew they could hate someone more than Bella?

R.Pattz says he has a simple idea to get the “Can’t Be Tamed” singer to come over to the fang side. He laughed, “It’s so obvious—just watch Eclipse.”

Musclehead (ed. note – that’s funny that he gets that description, someone at E! wants out) Lautner doesn’t care if Cyrus is hating on vamps. “She doesn’t need to like vampires,” he said. “As long as she likes werewolves, we’re cool.”

Stewart was a bit surprised to hear Cyrus dislikes our favorite creatures of the night . “She does?” Stewart asked wide-eyed when we broke the sad news to her. “Is she scared of them or does she just not like them?”

Ok, I need to break this up now. Because I am stupider for having read that, let alone copied, pasted, bolded and italicized it. I have probably pained my two readers who have read this far. You have my apologies. I am truly sorry. We are all dumber for me having done this. I am gaping at how vapid and horrible the celebrity machine is. Oh, but one more tidbit. Kristen Stewart couldn’t resist interjecting herself into Miley’s place. She is a grouchy palomino who will not be tamed!

Whatever the reason, Stewart said, “I don’t think you should convince people of something if they already have their way of thinking about. Whatever—if she hates vampires, that’s cool.”

I don’t know what’s worse. Miley Cyrus hating vampires and the reaction of FAKE VAMPIRES to it is a news story or that none of these people (including the person who wrote this story and myself) have been hired as suicide bombers.

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Twihards Have No Problem Getting Stank In The Hopes Of Meeting Their Vampire Fantasy Lover

June 22, 2010
I can't even imagine what this tent city smells like. Hysterical tears, patchouli and rotted Manic Panic.

I can't even imagine what this tent city smells like. Hysterical tears, patchouli and rotted Manic Panic.

So the next chapter in the Twilight…you aren’t really wanting me to type “saga” are you…just kick me in the nuts, then…premieres in LA on Thursday. It is now 10:22 pm Eastern time on Tuesday. Guess who’s camping out down at LA’s LA Live complex with cardboard cutouts of Robert Pattinson, tearful declarations that they would have his baby if only he would look at them and SEE THEIR EXTREME LOVE, and shitty panties (there is no way Ashley is getting out of line to use the bathroom at the taco place on the corner because he might show up and look at Jenn instead and Ashley got Robert’s face tattooed on her upper lip because he is vampire majesty who stalks her dreams and she will run Jenn over with her parent’s Honda Element if Robert ever dared look at Jenn and not her)? Yeah, Twihards. (more…)

Jennifer Aniston’s A Bore But I’m Sorta Annoyed She Landed Floyd From 30 Rock

June 11, 2010

Boring. But nice ass. For a lady.

Boring. But nice ass. For a lady.


You were supposed to end up with Liz Lemon. Dick.

You were supposed to end up with Liz Lemon. Dick.

Note: I know for a fact that I have two straight guy readers. So every once in awhile, I need to put some tail up on the screen to thank them for putting up with this much gayness. This one’s for you, Gerard and Justin.

Ok, so Jennifer Aniston is like a purse made out of popsicle sticks that your daughter made. Real fucking boring but everyone feels they have to coo over her and go “awww…” because a long time ago a smoldering seductress devil worshipping knife fan mysteria stole her man. But that was aeons ago. It’s been awhile. So what else is there here?

She was good on Friends (she has pretty good comedic timing) but since then has done mostly bullshit movies where she meets the right guy in a flower shop but can’t connect with him because she has colitis or some shit (literally). Not as hate-worthy as Owen Wilson or his ilk (actors who do every movie possible, or the same movie over and over, FUCKING MARMADUKE?!?!), but just…why are you still here? The other thing about her is that all her relationships are public and with other celebrities and she inevitably gets dumped so she comes off as pathetic. Her celebrity aura is PATHETIC. It’s a sickly yellow, and empty ice cream cartons orbit it.

But now Showbiz Spy sez that Aniston has hooked up with Floyd from 30 Rock. It’s sticking in my craw for some reason. I like Floyd. I know he married someone else other than Liz Lemon, but whenever he came on the screen to romance Liz, I kinda went “I never noticed it on SNL, but he’s sorta…cute.” He’s one of those thumb-looking guys (before you hate on me, so am I…if Paul Giamatti was a thumb…does anyone have a gas oven I can stick my oversized melon in?) but likable and cutesy.

Anyway, he’s divorced in real life and Popsicle Stick Purse met him on the set of her latest bullshit movie.

When Jen found out he was going through a break-up late last year, she made the effort to invite Jason over for dinner in case he was feeling lonely or down. They talked for hours and really opened up to each other. After a while, Jen realized she missed him in-between dates. She finds him hilarious. He is just what Jen needs — a solid, low key, funny man. It’s early days, but she’s quietly thrilled.

“Quietly thrilled” is how I feel whenever Angie’s strange ass and Aniston are both at the same event and despite Aniston trying to appear like she doesn’t give a fuck and Angie occupied by thinking about adopting more children or buying a new ornamental dagger to hide in a holster on her thigh, their eyes meet for a second and the sound from Kill Bill whenever Uma Thurman sees one of her targets starts howling in Aniston’s head and she sees red. THAT’S “quietly thrilled” for me. That and spicy tuna rolls from Beni in Quincy.

This post ended up in a weird place. It was just an expression of my dismay over Floyd from 30 Rock ending up in the same line-up as douchebag John Mayer and sleazy-ass Gerard Butler. He just seems too cutesy to be in the “I Eventually Dumped Jennifer Aniston” Club.

Note: His actual name is Jason Sudeikis but I know him better as Floyd from 30 Rock.

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Kristen Stewart Is Such A Surly, Complainy Little Bitch That Even The Things That She Says That Aren’t Surly And Bitchy Come Out Surly And Bitchy

June 1, 2010
Oh, the bitter taste of fame. And wealth. And general good fortune. Shut up.

Oh, the bitter taste of fame. And wealth. And general good fortune. Shut up.

What is it with this one? Remember at the Oscars when she was like coughing and looking like she wanted to be anywhere else in the world and every bitch across America was like “Then don’t be there, ho!” Every move this one makes is just fraught with grouch. Fuck, Kristen Stewart. If it’s that difficult for you being rich and famous, quit and move to wherever the hell Shelly Duvall hangs out now. Open a fucking pie shop and get laid in the back of an RV and have some crib midgets and save us from your stank.

As for my headline, case in point. Popsugar has some quotes from Kristen’s interview from Elle UK in which she talks about that shitty vampire series of movies (seriously, I still laugh when I think about the part of the trailer for the last one when she’s like in the Vatican and running through a fountain screaming and I’m like..really? Can Sookie, Bill, Tara, Angel, Buffy, and Spike kill this bitch soon? Please. Still haven’t seen either of these bullshit movies…). And you can just hear the mewling and mumbling in these quotes, and the eye rolling, and finger sucking. Hey Bella, fuck you. There’s about 13 jillion little actress types who would be grateful for the work. God, can she just have Renessme (isn’t that the name of the baby? Iesus! Spoiler.) and finish this once and for fucking all?

On her relationship with Robert: “People always ask me if I’m dating Robert. It’s beyond annoying . . . What I say is, that, why would I want anything that’s private to become entertainment for other people? This is what I wanted to show you on here. People say that if I just tell them everything I’ll be left alone, but God, you think if I tell people they’ll leave me alone? They pick up every little scrap, and that’s much worse.”

Hi, I can barely afford rent. And I eat pasta by necessity every once in awhile. Shut your whore mouth. Give me your job and I will give scraps til’ people don’t want my scraps no more. You are a CELEBRITY. When this shit is over, you will be crying for it back.

And here’s one in which she kinda sounds happy about Twilight’s success but then kinda shits on it. Read it and see if you feel the same way:

On Twilight growing into a series: “We never thought it was going to be so huge; we never thought we’d do a second, a third. I’m quite nervous about the third one, actually. It’s such a privilege to be able to play a role for so long. Also, it’s such a product now; it didn’t start out as a product. I read the first book and thought, ‘Wow, this is a page turner.’ There was something in the script — the energy. It’s raw desire, that’s what that book is. Which is why it’s weird that little kids read it. I’m like, ‘What are you thinking about when you’re reading it?’ I thought that it was going to be a really simple, overly dramatic — which was what was attractive about it — rotten love story. When they cast me it wasn’t like, ‘Omigod, I got this huge movie’; it was like, ‘OK, I got this film.’ You have to rev up to it.”

Like when she denounced it as product. I mean, she’s RIGHT and everything. But it’s the PRODUCT that’s keeping her in weed and not having to ride the subway with the rest of us savages. So celebrate that product.

Anyway, she sucks. Although there is a bit where she refers to her upbringing as positive and says that it’s the reason why she’s not as “off the rails” as Lohan. That was hot. She’s still in the red with me, but anything that might get Lindsay to try and set Bella’s lawn on fire and then get Tasered over it is at least trying with me.

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Bullshit Movies That I Will Never See: Is Eddie Murphy Being Blackmailed?

June 10, 2009
Vodpod videos no longer available.

While sitting and waiting for Pixar to punch me in the face over and over again and make me cry like when Shelby (her colors? Blush and Bashful.) died in Steel Magnolias and Sally Field realized her coiff did indeed look like a brown football helmet (aka Up), this piece of shit trailer was thrust upon us.

This is some new Eddie Murphy movie and someone needs to launch some sort of investigation. What is going on with his chicks with dicks-lovin’ ass, exactly? Let’s look at the trailer first, for a film called Imagine That!. Apparently, Ed’s a career-obsessed single dad who ignores his needy little girl until her magic woobie blanket starts predicting corporate mergers that benefit Eddie’s career. So he has to start acting creepy to appease the magical spirits in her blanket? Who the fuck wrote this? Rose Nylund? A magic blanket? Wait, does the litle girl actually have mental problems and the coincidence feeds into Eddie’s greed? This could be some SVU shite! Magic blanket? Howabotu snow globe or sword or mirror or ring. A magic blanket? Damn. Hollywood sucks, and is doing far too much coke laced with cleaning products because their slow ideas continue to sound great to them.

And as for Eddie, if we really think about this, we’re going to hit upon the fact that he is SO being blackmailed for his trannie fetish. We have all noticed in the last decade or so that Eddie has dedicated his career to these nightmarish “kid’s movies” that take whatever talent he had, chop it off, and continually portray him as humiliated Dad. What gives? Here’s my theory: some Hollywood producer got ahold of a photo of Eddie sucking the toes of a pre-op while she was beating him on the forehead with her cock.  And has been blackmailing his ass for years now by making him appear in these horrible kiddie films. Once in awhile, he gets an out to make something more his speed like Dreamgirls (he was pretty good in that) but then it’s back to Sherlock Homeboy And His Daring Daughter Solve Crimes With Their Talking TV!

Eddie has long been rumored to be a superfreak, with various rumors going around Hollywood for years that he likes girls with something extra, is way into trannie feet, and also might have been shacking up with, get this, New Edition’s Johnny Gill for a long time – even when he was married. See?

eddie_murphyjohnny_gill2007-med-wide

Those are some closet-ass dark glasses if I’ve ever seen them! An attempt to render himself normal in the eyes of the world a couple of years back failed when he got Scary Spice knocked up (I knew she had a dick) and she bore his child.  He wouldn’t acknowledge it was his until the DNA test dropped and still doesn’t like to talk about it. So, Axel Foley has had an odd life.

I would feel for this guy but don’t because A) he’s rich despite his sad career and B) way back in the day he was merciless with the gay jokes. And listen, I can take a gay joke and probably know more than you. But if the one making the gay jokes is a closet deviant, then HAH, it’s funny that you’re being blackmailed for liking dick! It’s like a free ride when you already paid! And rain on your wedding day! And like when Ryan Reynolds‘ abs dump you for Scarjo! Fuck you, Eddie Murphy. Your legacy is now a magic blanket.

eddie-murphy-cd

Bullshit Movies That I Will Never See: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

May 1, 2009

ghosts_of_girlfriends_past

Ugh, just look at McConaughey’s face on this poster. All airbrushed to tan hell and back. Yeah, I know he’s actually tan and an ok looking stoner but god damn.

For someone who professes to be so earthy-crunchy, how in the hell do you allow a poster to come out with you looking like cheesy hell on it?

I DETEST movies like this. I DETEST these by-the-numbers, fanciful meet cute/breakup cute/reunite cute poisonfests that have nothing identifiable to me in them. In fact, they’re not identifiable to anyone. Even straight couples, who are more worried about why they’re not having sex or how they’re going to pay for Eunice’s overbite. Even the hetero men and women out there who are trying to meet people aren’t this cutesy – they’re worrying about their early onset bald spot being noticed in the club’s lighting or whether he’ll think I’m a whore if I go down on him during the first date.

Even the ones planning weddings and all enraptured about it aren’t this cutesy. Those people want their simple bitch sisters to use some cover-up on the naked lady with dice tattoo if they plan to show up for their bridesmaid duty and whether or not she’ll find out you once j/o’ed with the best man.

These kind of flicks just make people irritated that they don’t look like anyone in them, and cause one to feel deficient because their wedding didn’t have that sort of immense budget. It’s not even an escape! It just makes people feel worse about their situation and makes them feel abnormal in some ways.

No wonder why it’s so hard to keep a relationship going. Hollywood has been injecting this tripe into our brains for so long that we’re not sure how the real world is actually supposed to work. We take all of our cues from movies. Well, brain trusts like me, do. And then I end up sorely disappointed. Fuck you, Hilary Swank!

I’d rather see a fictional movie that resembles Bridezillas than this Hollywood bullshit. Give me a ghettoey bride, some real talk dialogue and a denouement in an Elks hall that ends with a catfight in the parking lot or an argument over the bill and that might make up for this rich white people bullshit.

Ugh, and they just keep pumping these gruesome movies out. Reese, and Matthew, and Vince and Garner (damn, Jenn, do an Alias movie or something) keep getting big paychecks for forcing this idiocy on us.

When you go to see a movie like this, don’t you feel like you left something in the theatre after you leave? Like your mind? Or your soul? Or your self-esteem?

Can we declare a moratorium on these insults to our culture?

I’m going to write a screenplay. It’s going to be about two fat people who find love. And one of their parents is a drunk, but not a funny drunk – an abusive one. And one of the fat people lost a leg to cellulitis. And there’s a sister who eats a lot of pills. And the wedding reception takes place in a crappy backyard. But it’s going to be funny. But real funny, like our lives are. Kate Hudson will not be fighting over the fact that she picked the same dress as Jennifer Lopez. Luke Wilson won’t be faced with the fact that he’s marrying his best friend’s ex-girlfriend. It won’t be sparkly. There will be an uncle with a black tooth. This I swear.

p.s. Remember back when Matthew was kinda real? In Dazed and Confused and when he had the one curl over his forehead in A Time To Kill? Granted, A Time To Kill was kind of a simple flick…but remember that curl and how smoking he was? At least go back to being that hot, dude and enough with this offal!