The man in slush-dirtied Kenneth Cole knock-offs trudged through the industrial park. The Cup O’ Noodles clutched in his angry, defeated, ashamed, rueful hand followed. Or something to that Stephen King’s The Gunslinger series effect.
Archive for the ‘Comical’ Category
The source: Male. Late 50s. Large. Very large. Eyes turned beady due to fleshy face. Oxygen tank parked by his legs. He’s wearing shorts with athletic socks. Cell phone. He’s got a cell phone and he’s conducting all of his correspondence on it.
Transcript: “No, no. Patti. PATTI! PATTI, JUST GET IN THE SHOWER AND PUSH THE BUTTON! I can get off. I can get off. North Quincy? I’m at North Quincy now. PATTI, DON’T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE! What did you have for breakfast? Oh yes, dear – ME, TOO! Blueberries! And bananas! My doctor got me hooked on them. Yeah. Yeah. He says they’re good for my ‘tasium or something. I don’t remember. How’s the DVVV player working? I love it! I love mine! That ray thing. Yes, yes, and when my cable went out that time, I was still able to watch movies! It was incredible! Oh, that DVVV player. Hold on, it’s Daniel. *clicks over* Daniel! DON’T YOU GET ME ANGRY ON THIS TRAIN! I’m on the train! You are a big boy, and you do what you think is necessary, Daniel. THAT DOCTOR SAID SIX WEEKS! DANIEL, I DON’T WANT TO ARGUE WITH YOU – I’M ON THE TRAIN! You’re a big boy. You do what you want. You’re mad and going to do what you want anyway. No, six weeks. The doctor…he said…Daniel. You are wrong. You are in the wrong, but I don’t care. I’m out of it. I’m staying out of it. I gotta get back to Patti. Patti. I SAID PATTI! Bye. *clicks back over* Patti? Patti? Are you there, dear?
“DUDE FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK DUDE!”
“FUCK FUCK FUCK DUDE FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!”
“DUDE DUDE DUDE DUDE FUCK FUCK FUCK!”
That’s how their conversation initially sounded to the person unschooled in “young douchebag.” Eventually I and the other spectators who were just trying to mind our individual business while waiting for our rides were able to figure out that someone gave someone a dirty look. A girlfriend might have been involved? Pinhead #1 was white and short. Pinhead #2 was perhaps Filipino(?) and short. I say “Filipino” because he had brown skin and Asian features. I am a close-to-middle aged white woman and I have next to no clue how to discern between certain ethnicities. White people in America are clueless. There’s guilt about it. To be frank, there’s not so much “guilt” as there is “fear of being found out as ignorant.” Yes, I worry about these things.
Pinheads #1 and #2 did a lot of literal chest thumping, I noticed Pinhead #2 still had one earbud in. Was he being coached? It’s like Cyrano De Roxanne!I need to completely remove my ear buds when I speak to people, and when I order at Dunkies so I am sure to SCREAM at the counter person without meaning to.
The threats and dialogue got increasingly more amusing. It was confirmed by the smirks and chuckles of the two other young men trying to separate them.
“Dude, you wanna fucking go? You wanna fucking go?”
“I’ll fucking slap you, man.”
“You’re gonna stab me? YOU’RE GONNA STAB ME, MOTHERFUCKER?!?!”
I’ve never seen someone get so enraged by thinking someone threatened to stab them. Most people would just run, or find a brick, or call a cop. Pinhead #1 began clawing at the neck of his t-shirt, and flexing his (sub-standard) muscles. It reminded me faintly of Randy “Macho Man” Savage, a former WWF (that’s what they called it back then) wrestler whom I used to watch as a child and thrill to his weird speech intonations when I wasn’t staring at spandexed man ass and pretending to care about champion belt match outcomes.
There’s more –
Hi. Wow, I think I started receiving death threats. How hot is THAT? So I got a new gig and it involves me social media-ing, and blogging a lot and obviously I left this place abandoned like when a kidnapper has a basement girl and he gets killed and what a horrifying metaphor this is going to be so I’ll stop. Oh, and I decided to start off by answering all the questions left on my last entry (including the gross watch in the toilet one from Bill Cosby and fuck him for asking that cuz’ it’s known I think poop is gross). I would throw up the Unqualified picture but I can’t find the damn thing and I’m too lazy to go back and Save As that mess. I am seriously run down in the life, huh?
This Is What I Took Away From A Visit To A Beat Amusement Park In Agawam, Massachusetts aka Screw Your Phone Socks!July 5, 2010
Ok, so Scotty and I decided we wanted to go take a day trip together a couple of weeks back. Because most of our time is spent catering to the whims of our fucking dog (and I mean “fucking” in the most loving way possible, like a gentle blossom falling onto a placid lake) and we don’t actually have any time when we’re really alone. So of course, being the mature adults we are we decide to go to Six Flags New England.
See, when you’re a gay guy you don’t really have that much responsibility to handle all the time and there can be a certain lack of maturity for some of us who are…I guess…fun-loving? Unwilling to hang up our Chuck Taylors? So, whereas most couples would elect to maybe journey to a darling little seaport for a day of shopping punctuated with lunch and cocktails, we decided to go tempt a miscarriage by riding the Superman coaster and tracking just how redneck the teens in western Mass have become (we are talking tramp stamped butterflys, the smoking habits of 1970s Vegas strippers, and mullets galore. Throw in a Slipknot tee, some messy French kissing and dry humping in public and puree. I thought I was at a biker rally in Laconia, NH.)
Anyway, the trip was a wash (except for when we found out that their water park has a tiki bar…getting slightly drunk and critiquing the scary people in unflattering swimwear in the smoking area wasn’t bad). Roller coasters…hurt now. Isn’t that sad to admit? And they’re scary because when you get older, you know what pain and loss is like.
And we also discovered that there is a grave injustice going on in the world of phone socks! Keep reading.
R.Pattz says he has a simple idea to get the “Can’t Be Tamed” singer to come over to the fang side. He laughed, “It’s so obvious—just watch Eclipse.”
Musclehead (ed. note – that’s funny that he gets that description, someone at E! wants out) Lautner doesn’t care if Cyrus is hating on vamps. “She doesn’t need to like vampires,” he said. “As long as she likes werewolves, we’re cool.”
Stewart was a bit surprised to hear Cyrus dislikes our favorite creatures of the night . “She does?” Stewart asked wide-eyed when we broke the sad news to her. “Is she scared of them or does she just not like them?”
Ok, I need to break this up now. Because I am stupider for having read that, let alone copied, pasted, bolded and italicized it. I have probably pained my two readers who have read this far. You have my apologies. I am truly sorry. We are all dumber for me having done this. I am gaping at how vapid and horrible the celebrity machine is. Oh, but one more tidbit. Kristen Stewart couldn’t resist interjecting herself into Miley’s place. She is a grouchy palomino who will not be tamed!
Whatever the reason, Stewart said, “I don’t think you should convince people of something if they already have their way of thinking about. Whatever—if she hates vampires, that’s cool.”
I don’t know what’s worse. Miley Cyrus hating vampires and the reaction of FAKE VAMPIRES to it is a news story or that none of these people (including the person who wrote this story and myself) have been hired as suicide bombers.
Radar is getting ALL the good shit lately. So you probably know the gnome depicted above, she’s Snooki from Jersey Shore! She’s the one who sucks pickles, gets punched in the face by steroid insane drunk dudes, and totally got burned by Tim Burton when she wasn’t cast in this role. Seriously, is her last name Roy?
Word is that Snookie got her Bump-It in a twist at SL in NYC on Wednesday night, threw a drink at the bouncer, and then uttered this gem. This sparkly, sparkly, bauble of awesome.
“I’m a f**king star, beautiful enough to do what I want!”
Jesus, that did me right. This is so the line I’m using next time at the ATM, the barroom, my dry cleaners, or at your local grocer. I need to ask RiRi Harvey if I was using this line at age six out on the playground when some dolt cut in line for the slide. Picture a sassy little large-headed munchkin with his hand on his hip interrupting Four Square with THAT pronouncement.
Anyway, Snookie was scuba diving to the bottom of her drink when she said that and tossed it in the bouncer’s mug for no reason. The best part? Bitches started cracking up at Deep Roy Snooki.
“Everyone just sort of looked at her in shock but then started laughing, including the bouncer!”
She’s so hilarious that they probably let her garden gnome ass keep drinking so she would impart more gems of wisdom on the crowd. Team Snooki over here. How do I get what she said on a vanity plate?
Well. Here’s Snoop Dogg‘s video for “Oh, Sookie.” It’s a hip-hop tribute to….Sookie Stackhouse. From True Blood. *hangs head*. Playa, no…
Fun J. Harvey fact: the only hip-hop album I ever listened to over and over and cherished completely was Snoop’s Doggystyle. Weird, huh? “This one goes out to my nigga Slick Rick. And for those who don’t like it? Eat a dick.” Yes, there was a young gay guy mouthing the words to that in the subway while commuting to school. It must have been the “eat a dick” part that I found particularly interesting, cuz’ girl, I had more tricks in that subway bathroom!
Anyway, Snoop is a beloved part of our pop culture tapestry now and so he can probably get away with something as Gouda as this. Maybe he was inhaling some particularly kind bud when this offer came across the coffee table. There are hoes in the back wearing Merlotte’s uniforms. I can’t with this.
Preface – I ripped this photo off from Dlisted, and it’s a Splash photo which means I will probably be asked to cut the shit and take it down and then beaten by a minor cast member of The City. Which I totally will.
But first, people need to see some real love. And when I say real love, I mean a photo of Dustin Hoffman and Jason Bateman getting some Harold & Maude romantic shit done in the stands at last night’s Celtics game in Los Angeles.
Now I know in reality this was to bag on the paparazzi or maybe gross out Kevin Garnett or Dustin’s in the Arrested Development movie and they are laying some comedic marketing pipe. But I would rather see it as like Luke and Obi One finally putting down their sabers after a tough day of training and talking about how well they could kill womp rats with their land speeder’s lasers and their eyes meeting and then…bliss. And around them, a stadium bursts into cheers.
I was always hot for Tootsie, too, Jason.
Contest! Seeing as I will be asked to take this pic down, I ask readers to submit their own representations of Jason Bateman and Dustin Hoffman making out in the bleachers! Whether it’s digital art, or a crayon drawing or in blood! The winner will be added to this post for posterity (in place of my stolen picture,) and will receive a special prize from yours truly, J. Harvey! Judging will begin by a panel of experts (meaning, me, and I might ask Scotty his opinion) on Friday morning! DO IT!
Lady Gaga Doesn’t Have Lupus. And I Don’t Have Scurvy. And You Don’t Have Multiple Personality Disorder (That We Know Of)…June 1, 2010
People with Lupus everywhere are quickly putting a hand flat against their chests and tearfully and dramatically exhaling over Lady Gaga revealing that she is not joining their numbers. Head Lupus sufferer Renee T. Crahbacher of Monroe, Ill. issued a statement today saying “It’s a great relief to the thousands of people suffering from Lupus across this great land of ours that Lady Gaga has managed to evade this serious disease. Despite the pain, the medication, the side effects, the worst part of having this dread disease was the thought that Lady Gaga might get it someday. I couldn’t bear that. I mean, those foil hats and quirky shoes. It would be too much, Too, too much.” Ms. Crahbacher died shortly after releasing this statement…her final words being “at least it wasn’t Lady Gaga dying today…*thunk*”
Yeah, so Gaga doesn’t have Lupus. But she’s very close, she could drop at any minute! Great. I’d much rather hear about why she’s issuing a throwaway single like “Alejandro” when “Teeth” is so much hotter.
ps and ohmygod: Everything I learned about Lupus (which I can’t remember what I learned) was from One Life To Live. Megan Gordon, Viki’s daughter, had Lupus and was dying from it, right? And her sweetie Jake was off being held as a POW in Jawa City. And Reverend Andy who was in love with her had to go to Jawa City and rescue the woman he loved’s true love and he was selfless and did it. And Jake got back just in time to show Megan the tree he had moved into the hospital yard. I guess it was some Valentine’s Day tree they had together and the guy just UPROOTED IT and plunked it down on the hospital lawn. Fuck you, hospital landscapers, it was a tearjerker! Oh, and Marty Saybrooke had Lupus, too, and she’s still a character on the show but she lost the Lupus storyline after her epic gang rape storyline. Now she’s a shrink and gets pushed down stairs while pregnant and loses baby. Tough break.