Archive for the ‘Creatures of the night’ Category

Lindsay Lohan Accepting Prison? (Out Second Lawyer)

July 20, 2010

How many balloons of cocaine CAN I fit in my vagine?

In a shocking twist, Lindsay Lohan seems to be accepting the fact that she’s about to be ensconced in a comfortable jail cell.

(Fact – It’s not like they will put this mess in solitary with a hole for toilette. She’ll have air conditioning for chrissakes. And a blanket. And she can probably get drugs more easily IN prison than outside it. I’ve seen OZ. They have em’ in condoms or balloons and people put them up themselves. I’m guessing she’s played that game before.)

Lohan brought Walt Disney into it on her Twitter. Eeeks.

the only “bookings” that i’m familiar with are Disney Films, never thought that i’d be “booking” into Jail… eeeks
about 9 hours ago via web

The last time this bitch was looked at by Disney was when she drove by Disneyland in Anaheim on a drug run.

Freckles may have come to the realization that she was definitely donning orange when her newest lawyer, famed O.J. legal eagle Robert Shapiro, rolled his eyes and left.

TMZ reports that Shapiro met with peoples’ hero Judge Marsha yesterday and informed her that he was audi. This is an easy point to make, but this dude represented a man who cut his ex-wife’s head off and killed a waiter as a bonus. Represented him to a “not guilty” verdict. After said psychopath led cops on a high-speed chase. And he couldn’t handle sitting with Lindsay Lohan at a long table for a couple of hours. Make of that what you will.

Stay tuned today to see if Lohan actually turns up at the pokey. Or if she sends Dina in leggins’, a wig and stage freckles.

Jersey’s Finest Want To Get Paid (More)

July 19, 2010

If there isn't a Season 3, I will kill myself by swallowing vast quantities of Axe combination bodyspray/roofie pheromone.

You might have to go to the club yourself, wearing some Affliction and Ed Hardy mess, doing cartwheels while baring your vagine and pounding the ground like an ape in heat, because Season 3 of Jersey Shore has stopped filming. Bump-Its don’t come cheap, bitch! Who’s gonna put herp in the jacuzzi now? *crestfallen*

Filming of the third season of Jersey Shore has come grinding to a halt due to a strike! Snookie‘s doing some Norma Rae shit! Picture her goblin ass up on a workbench, holding a UNION sign! And then eating a pickle. TMZ says that the cast are demanding more money per episode.

The cast was supposed to begin shooting “at home” scenes today for season three, but we’re told JWoww, Ronnie, Sammi, Pauly D and Vinny — who are spread out between New York and Rhode Island — told the crews they weren’t shooting without new contracts.

The Situation and Snooki are supposed to shoot tomorrow, and we’re told Snooki plans to do the same

But wait, did you know that MTV considers jerky-bodied The Situation to be the the show’s breakout guido? They offered him some sort of secret contract to secure his Axe-smelling self in the MTV corral. Uh, hello….there’s a tiny pumpkin-faced ankle biter who is CLEARLY shining brighter than the sun in that house!

According to the proposed deal, MTV is offering Mikey a one-time bonus for the impending Season 2 in Miami, ranging from $60,000 to $180,000, depending on ratings.

Word is that one of the coverboys of New York magazine’s “Queer” issue (hee) will snatch $27,500 to $45,000 an episode for Season 4. Right now, all these bitches only make 10K. “Only.” What am I saying? Hell, pay me $100 an episode to go down to the club with a blowback and a fake bake and act gross and I’d do it. It’s open bar, right? I can get into a tube dress and do midget ninja cartwheels while men throw beer at my nethers!

The Situation hasn’t accepted this deal yet, according to TMZ.

Does this mean that when the rest of the trogs find out The Situation is clearing more cash than them, they are going to turn on each other and there’s going to be tanning grease and blood all over the duck phone? Hopefully.

Here’s Mel Gibson Sounding Enraged And Coked Out Of His Mind

July 12, 2010

[redlasso id=”d135898c-f6f7-4bbb-b5d4-4bc6c46565fb”]

First off, you might want to turn the volume down on this bitch because if you’re at your office, someone might thing you’re being attacked in your cubicle by a crazy with racial issues. Or if you’re at home, the kids might think Daddy got into some blow and had a life-changer before he got home. Here’s Mel Gibson making a strong case for a muscle relaxant to be administered or a straight jacket to be tried on in a taped phone call to ex Oksana Grigorieva. Radar acquired the tape.

He flips out about her alleged “foreign bodies” (aka breast implants), and tells the mother of his child that she’s a whore and looks like a “bitch on heat” (which makes her sound like she’s on a stove). My favorite part is when he tells her that her clothes are so slutty that he can see her vagina from the back (it’s like x-Ray ‘gina vision)!

And of course he makes his now infamous comment implying that black guys are running around looking for ladies to rape as a group sporting event.

Why do I get the impression this chick was smiling the entire time as she listened to his mania and watched the recorder’s digital time read-out increase?

So We Went To The Monster Ball Last Night…

July 3, 2010
Mom, cut it out.

Mom, cut it out.

That’s not Lady Gaga, that’s one of the many fun hos who came dressed as her. Scotty wouldn’t let me take a pic of his Monster Ball outfit because we thought the ASPCA would have a problem with the fact that he wore Cooper in a cage on top of his head as a hat. Seriously, Scotty wanted to put all those other bitches in the ground.

It was the show to go last night here in Boston. Picture every disaffected and Rubenesque teenage girl who wants you to read her blog or she’ll stab herself in her pot belly (shut up and stop looking at me), aging queen trying to recapture pop glory dance fun (shut up and stop looking at me), twink with a set of sparkly pumps in his closet (and they werked em’ last night, let me tell you, ankles must have been snapping from Section 330 and down) and suburban mom who saw how surprisingly eloquent Gaga was on Oprah that time come together in a big sweaty melting pot to watch Stefani Germanotta hump a piano in a swirl of glitter.


Mel Gibson Said WHAT?!?!

July 1, 2010

Feel free to pull that trigger, Dan.

Feel free to pull that trigger, Dan.

Sugartits himself didn’t get the message the first time he was caught in a racist-ass meltdown and he’s gone back to the “Fuck, did they get that on tape?” buffet.

The story is that Mel Gibson and his post-divorce impregnated jumpoff , Oksana Grigorieva, are currently embroiled in a restraining order swordfight. And Oksana just jabbed her sword up his ass by providing the court with tapes she recorded of Mel being verbally abusive about the way she dressed. And don’t think he didn’t drop the N-bomb when he thought he was behind closed doors. So black people can now join our Jewish friends in driving by and throwing flaming bags of feces on Mel’s reputation.

Radar says that the following gems are on tape for the divorce court’s delight. Can Oksana just order diamond tiara now or does she have to wait until this is notarized?

“You’re an embarrassment to me. You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault.

“How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so fucking nice.”

“I am going to come and burn the fucking house down… but you will blow me first.”

“Look what you did to me… look what you are… look what every part of you is… fucking fake… fucking fake. You are the most synthetic person… who the fuck are you?”

That first one is nice. Does Danny Glover know that Mel feels that way? Would Danny and his “pack” show up to rehearsal and rub Mel’s racist ass the wrong way on the set of Lethal Weapon 1 – Aught Four or something?

Mel’s done, right? This would be “done?”

And next time I want to get blown, I’ m telling Scotty that I’m setting the apartment on fire. Does that actually work? Anyone?

Insanity Is Funny. And Scary. And Funny.

June 29, 2010

“Want to go shopping?” “Not really.” So this queen is RARIN’ to get into this Toronto mall, which was apparently closed due to the riots happening in protest to the G20 summit. When he encounters some locked doors…..well, all bets are off as he unleashes a torrent of bellowing and demands to know why he isn’t being allowed to mall walk his ass around the place.

Is it really that serious, I asked myself when I first watched this? Then when he turned around and his crazy hard boiled egg eyes alighted on the cameraman, I knew it wasn’t a case of perceived injustice. It was a case of “this mo’ snapped quite some time ago and this is just the latest chapter in his wackjob epic.” Seriously, this is a workplace shooter-type individual. You don’t eff with that guy, you merely hide your smirk behind your hand and keep walking.

You know someone is round’ the bend plumb loco when even the dick children behind him kinda shrug and give up on mocking him. His insanity outlasts “brat.” There’s no shame in this fruit bat’s game.

Update – The original has been taken down (hey, if this crazy came to your house with a Taser in a shopping bag demanding you stop sullying his image, you would take it down, too). But please enjoy the remix.

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Twihards Have No Problem Getting Stank In The Hopes Of Meeting Their Vampire Fantasy Lover

June 22, 2010
I can't even imagine what this tent city smells like. Hysterical tears, patchouli and rotted Manic Panic.

I can't even imagine what this tent city smells like. Hysterical tears, patchouli and rotted Manic Panic.

So the next chapter in the Twilight…you aren’t really wanting me to type “saga” are you…just kick me in the nuts, then…premieres in LA on Thursday. It is now 10:22 pm Eastern time on Tuesday. Guess who’s camping out down at LA’s LA Live complex with cardboard cutouts of Robert Pattinson, tearful declarations that they would have his baby if only he would look at them and SEE THEIR EXTREME LOVE, and shitty panties (there is no way Ashley is getting out of line to use the bathroom at the taco place on the corner because he might show up and look at Jenn instead and Ashley got Robert’s face tattooed on her upper lip because he is vampire majesty who stalks her dreams and she will run Jenn over with her parent’s Honda Element if Robert ever dared look at Jenn and not her)? Yeah, Twihards. (more…)

Compare and Contrast:This Would Have Been So Much Hotter If It Came Out BEFORE The Video

June 21, 2010
Timing is everything.

Timing is everything.

Here’s Lady Gaga‘s new Rolling Stone cover. I would have been so much happier with this if it had come out before the video. As like a teaser. That’s a great prop. But I’ve seen it, so I’m not enthralled.

In other news, I feel like I know her body better than she does. Seriously, I feel like I’m her gyno sometimes. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I need just a scootch less ass and womynflower from her.

Here’s her last one. Which do you think is better?

This bathwater is dirty.

This bathwater is dirty.

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Oh, Snoop, No…

June 18, 2010
Despite this awfulness, he should totally play Tara's new boyfriend. She needs someone laid back.

Despite this awfulness, he should totally play Tara's new boyfriend. She needs someone laid back.

This totally belongs in Nana's china hutch, right next to the Precious Moments figurines.

This totally belongs in Nana's china hutch, right next to the Precious Moments figurines.

Well. Here’s Snoop Dogg‘s video for “Oh, Sookie.” It’s a hip-hop tribute to….Sookie Stackhouse. From True Blood. *hangs head*. Playa, no…

Fun J. Harvey fact: the only hip-hop album I ever listened to over and over and cherished completely was Snoop’s Doggystyle. Weird, huh? “This one goes out to my nigga Slick Rick. And for those who don’t like it? Eat a dick.” Yes, there was a young gay guy mouthing the words to that in the subway while commuting to school. It must have been the “eat a dick” part that I found particularly interesting, cuz’ girl, I had more tricks in that subway bathroom!

Anyway, Snoop is a beloved part of our pop culture tapestry now and so he can probably get away with something as Gouda as this. Maybe he was inhaling some particularly kind bud when this offer came across the coffee table. There are hoes in the back wearing Merlotte’s uniforms. I can’t with this.

Angelina Jolie Helping Bitches Out…

June 16, 2010
The dude behind her senses the evil.

The dude behind her senses the evil.

Doesn’t it seem like she’s secretly the who caused it? There’s Mordor in her eyes! Bitch is Sauron! Anyway, United Nations Goodwill Ambassador Angelina Jolie filmed a new PSA for World Refugee Day (click on that link because I am not an uncaring bitch….that much). Here it is.

I am the worst person in the our shallow nation because I was totally ignoring the footage of humans in pain and suffering to catch glimpses of how her hair looked. I can admit it. I suck. I am desensitized to tragedy and evil. Her hair made the grade, though. It seemed ok on volume, and I was sort of liking the little bangs action she had going on.

She’s a beautiful woman but there is a whole parallel universe of evil behind those eyes. In her thoughts, she’s wearing black latex, and wielding a whip over the backs of doughy white Americans carrying her on some sort of land barge. Her multitudes of multi-ethnic children march in front, carrying golden banners with her face on them. There is no evil here, I have eliminated all of your sickness, pain, and suffering, but you must fork over at least 100 souls every third month that I may feast upon them!

Stormclouds roll and thunder as birds caw in terror and scatter to the four winds! Washerwomen drop the buckets down the wells out of fright and run screaming into the forest as her procession enters the town square. She’s like Ming the Merciless with tits! You know one of her vacation homes is the damn Death Star.

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