Archive for the ‘Disaster Porn’ Category

I Really Don’t Even Wanna Tackle This Shit (Literally) But I Really Need To Write Some Blog Entries

November 7, 2010

This is seriously what came up when I typed in watch in the toilet. I got nothing. Charlie Sheen is all done up on the coke so he probably sold his watch.

Sigh, next question.

QUESTION: You go to put your watch on after taking a dump and it falls in the hopper. Unfortunately, you didn’t flush yet. How much poo is too much to stop you from reaching in and grabbing your watch?

If a watch doesn’t mean that much to you, we can swap it out for a sandwich.

Also, do you think Annette Benning is pretty?

That was from long time commentator Bill Cosby. Count on Bill to shove a Pudding Pop made of a brown, oogy substance that ain’t pudding into your face.

Honestly, it depends on the watch. If it was like Tag Heuer, I’d use something to fetch it out and wash the damn thing. As you learn throughout life, shit (both literal and metaphorical) washes off. If it was like a Swatch or something gumball machine-ish…well, I’d take it out anyways. You can’t flush a watch.

I hate shit questions. This was an exercise in begrudgingly. I’m glad I don’t wear a watch. I get the time from my phone. I dropped a cell phone in a Port-A-Potty once. I don’t tell that story.

Yes, I think Annette Bening is pretty. Although I didn’t like the part in The Kids Are Alright when she told Mark Ruffalo that she needed whatever like she needed “a dick in my ass.” It seemed very tough guy crude. But I think that was what she was going for as an acting choice. Oh, and she was so dementedly awesome in Running With Scissors as the crazy bitch with the shag. She’d fish a poop watch out of a toilet. She has no fear.

Wherein I Return To My Blog And Answer Questions (Here You Go, Peppermint…)

November 7, 2010

This is what you get when you Google return. How hot were the clothes back then? That chick with the butterfly collar is choice.

Hi. Wow, I think I started receiving death threats. How hot is THAT? So I got a new gig and it involves me social media-ing, and blogging a lot and obviously I left this place abandoned like when a kidnapper has a basement girl and he gets killed and what a horrifying metaphor this is going to be so I’ll stop. Oh, and I decided to start off by answering all the questions left on my last entry (including the gross watch in the toilet one from Bill Cosby and fuck him for asking that cuz’ it’s known I think poop is gross). I would throw up the Unqualified picture but I can’t find the damn thing and I’m too lazy to go back and Save As that mess. I am seriously run down in the life, huh?

(more…)

I’m Totally Pissed At David Boreanaz

July 23, 2010

I assume this was taken before he shot on her in the Mini-Cooper.

Listen to me. Joss Whedon shows are the nearest and dearest to my heart. It feels like yesterday that I was watching and streaming salty tears at Buffy having to shank Angel so that Acathla wouldn’t swallow the world (you are a complete and total geek if you understand what I’m typing). Actually it was yesterday, right before I had to sell my Buffy box set for food and Percocet. What I am trying to say is, if you are part of the Joss Whedon company of actors – you keep your sexual crazy on LOCKDOWN. He is trying to get The Avengers together, you don’t embarrass him this way! David Boreanaz (aka Angel) is being sued by a Bones extra for sexual harrassment. And she’s claiming he did some JACKED-UP shite. And say hey and by the way, Boreanaz publicly confessed to effing around on his wife Jaime Bergman back in May

Actress Kristina Hagen (the woman with my hairline who is NOT Angel’s wife in the picture above) claims that it all began on the set of Bones last August when David began sexting her ass. Then shit got REAL according to her suit, via TMZ.

The suit also claims David was driving with Kristina in September, 2009 and told her he was “the boss” and that he could “make things happen for her.”

The suit claims David then parked his car, and “attempted to kiss her and touch her breasts but she pushed him away.” The suit then alleges Boreanaz “unzipped his pants, pulled out his penis and began stroking it until he ejaculated.”

She stayed for the denoument?!? “Yeah, I gotta go, there’s some Turtle Wax interior wipes in the glovie if you get any on the dash.” Did he threaten to kill her if she told? Didn’t Jackie Earle Hailey pull (literally) that shit in the best scene in Little Children in front of the chick from Hung? Great movie. Anyway – Cordelia, Fred and Lorne are giving Angelcakes the side-eye for this!

The suit goes on to say that David also “grabbed, kissed, and fondled her — and then masturbated in front of her” in his trailer that September. Angel’s camp (basically Harmony with a briefcase…MORE GEEK REFERENCES) denies Hagen’s claim.

“The allegations concerning any alleged inappropriate conduct by David Boreanaz are totally fabricated and absurd. There is no validity to this lawsuit.”

What in hell is going on in TV Land lately? Is Caligula an executive producer at Fox?

Either Dave Chappelle Still Hasn’t Got His Sanity Back, Or He Fails To Realize Meta-Comedy Doesn’t Fly On Airplanes

July 5, 2010
Considering the subject of this story, Google Images was pretty on point when it supplied me with this image for "Dave Chappelle crazy."

Considering the subject of this story, Google Images was pretty on point when it supplied me with this image for "Dave Chappelle crazy."

When I first read this story, I was wondering if there were some cameras hidden somewhere and Dave Chappelle was just trying to engineer some sort of “funny” incident on a plane to show to an audience later…as in “Crazy Celebrity Interferes With Flight Because He Couldn’t Find The Bathroom And Gets Mistaken For A Terrorist” or “Crazy Celebrity Decides To Do Stand-Up Routine In Cockpit To Amuse Pilots And Hilarity Ensues.”  But, no, it sounds like he’s still completely crackers.  Bitch is lucky he didn’t get his ass clubbed by a flight attendant with a fire extinguisher!

TMZ says that former comedic superstar Dave Chappelle was responsible for causing a private jet bound for Ohio to instead land in Pittsburgh Friday night when Rick James was found to be a safety risk. “I’m here to crash your plane, bitch!”

During the flight, we’re told Dave “freaked out” and refused to put his seat belt on. Then — according to sources — Dave repeatedly walked into the cockpit, asking how much longer the flight would be, and started grabbing the pilot’s arms.

And the pilot merely landed? If this was a civilian, he would have ended up hogtied with seat belts, with one fashioned into a noose around his throat, and the aforementioned fire-extinguisher wielding flight attendant would have upgraded to running the drink cart over his damn head. Grabbed the pilot’s arm? Capt. Friendly had every right to pull out a piece and stick it in Dave’s nostril at that point!

Oh, and it gets weirder. Dave’s rep claims that this was all caused because Dave ate something that disagreed with him and didn’t find the bathroom on the jet to be adequate for what he had to do. I’m not one for bathroom humor (I’m a lady) but damn, what did you eat that was causing you to take down a plane to find a sturdier bathroom?

A rep for Chappelle explains the incident to TMZ by saying Dave really needed to use the restroom — he ate something that didn’t sit well — and the bathroom on the plane was “not the kind he needed.”

Uh, ok. Chappelle reportedly checked into a Pittsburgh hotel that evening and was then said to have been looking for a car to drive to his home in Ohio. Except that he was said to admit that he didn’t know where he lived. Ok, well it’s time to stop smoking crack out of lightbulbs and get your shit together. Because your show was really funny and you were a major talent and now your time is spent trying to find…lead-lined bathrooms to smoke your stuff in?

Don’t you fucking make me regret watching that Mad Real World skit with the white guy with all the hard ghetto roommates seven THOUSAND TIMES because I laughed so hard when Tron mentioned that “Katie’s ‘s got some big-ass titties, man!” Oh my god, and we laughed.

2005 was not a good year for Dave when he went insane and ended that show and went to South Africa.  Make this your ringtone like I did. This is what the Harvey boys say to each other when we meet up.

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Tiffany and Debbie Gibson To Fight Giant Snakes and Alligators

June 26, 2010
Debbie seems to have won the preservation contest, huh?

Debbie seems to have won the preservation contest, huh?

This is what Google Images gives you when you ask for a python and an alligator. So Tiff and Deb will be fighting this. But bigger?

This is what Google Images gives you when you ask for a python and an alligator. So Tiff and Deb will be fighting this. But bigger?

The Hollywood Reporter has their finger on the pulse of my need to know about whatever Debbie (eff that “Deborah” shite) and Tiffany are doing at any given moment, so they really gifted me with this one. Hot on the heels of Debbie’s triumphant turn in Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus, SyFy has announced that she will now star opposite her chief rival for 80s relevancy in Mega-Python Vs. Gatoroid. Ohmygod, I love life.

And not only that, but the bitches will be duking it out in a catfight. IN A SWAMP! Is Tiffany playing Gatoroid?

Gibson will play a fanatical animal-rights activist who frees illegally imported exotic snakes from pet stores, sending them into the Everglades, where they grow to mega sizes. Tiffany will play an overzealous park ranger who uses dangerous methods to save endangered alligators.

In the script, the pair brawl at a party, then take matters outside into the swamp.

Fuck, what wasn’t I invited to that damn party? The party of the century! And I love how Debbie is playing a stupid character who releases snakes that grow to epic proportions because the water is….irradiated? Well, there is a big friggin’ oil spill currently ruining our ecosystem, and the lives of several thousand people, fish and fowl so why not? BP is going to be SCREWED when a giant water moccasin attacks their world headquarters. Dumb bitches.

Anyway, the girls are thrilled to be working again even if it’s an a giant monster movie with crap CGI for basic cable. Please, Tiffany just finished her last Hot Pocket and those things don’t grow on trees!

“I know that pop culture fanatics have been dying for Tiffany and me to collaborate for the past 24 years!” said Gibson in a statement. “What better way to do it than by battling each other in a campy romp through the Everglades?”

“Only in my dreams have I been able to have a catfight with Debbie Gibson…until now!” Tiffany said. “This is soo MEGA cool!”

I was going to award Debbie the medal for best pre-filming quote when she rightly noted this is “campy,” but then Tiffany had to go and use a Debbie Gibson song title basically insuring herself the win. Kudos, Tiff.

p.s. And if you want to see how awesome(ly bad) this project could be, check out Debbie giving her finest actress skillz in her previous project. When the shark eats the Golden Gate Bridge, I come alive inside.

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Oh, Snoop, No…

June 18, 2010
Despite this awfulness, he should totally play Tara's new boyfriend. She needs someone laid back.

Despite this awfulness, he should totally play Tara's new boyfriend. She needs someone laid back.

This totally belongs in Nana's china hutch, right next to the Precious Moments figurines.

This totally belongs in Nana's china hutch, right next to the Precious Moments figurines.

Well. Here’s Snoop Dogg‘s video for “Oh, Sookie.” It’s a hip-hop tribute to….Sookie Stackhouse. From True Blood. *hangs head*. Playa, no…

Fun J. Harvey fact: the only hip-hop album I ever listened to over and over and cherished completely was Snoop’s Doggystyle. Weird, huh? “This one goes out to my nigga Slick Rick. And for those who don’t like it? Eat a dick.” Yes, there was a young gay guy mouthing the words to that in the subway while commuting to school. It must have been the “eat a dick” part that I found particularly interesting, cuz’ girl, I had more tricks in that subway bathroom!

Anyway, Snoop is a beloved part of our pop culture tapestry now and so he can probably get away with something as Gouda as this. Maybe he was inhaling some particularly kind bud when this offer came across the coffee table. There are hoes in the back wearing Merlotte’s uniforms. I can’t with this.

Someone Hold Me…(The Trailer For Trash Humpers)

June 16, 2010

Can we just go see Despicable Me, Mommy?

Can we just go see Despicable Me, Mommy?

Ok, so awhile back I was home on a hungover Saturday afternoon and saw this film Gummo listed on On Demand and noted it was by Harmony Korine, the dude who wrote Kids for Larry Clark. So I watched it. And oh my lord. It was this ramshackle, rough-looking non-linear piece which followed around a bunch of redneck BMX kids with FUCKED UP hair in what looked like the 80s after a hurricane hit their town. And they spent the whole movie torturing cats, and riding around on their bikes and visiting hookers with Down’s Syndrome. And then there’s other even creepier characters interspersed (like the guy pimping out his mentally challenged sister) and then Chloe Sevigny has electrical tape on her nipples and a bad dye job but doesn’t she always? It was totally heart-warming and I think Sandra Bullock was supposed to star (she would have played the cat) but she pulled out.

Anyway, it made me uneasy inside, which is why I think Korine makes movies. There’s little to no plot to his films, they just kinda meander and show you things that aren’t pretty but that’s kind of a blessing in our Blu-Ray HD Michael Bay and James Cameron extremely crisp Avatar world. Korine’s films tend to look like a VHS tape. Then again VHS these days screams snuff film to me.What does it mean when old school signifies evil?

Speaking of evil, I saw this trailer to his latest movie called (wait for it…) Trash Humpers. Which is about a “loser-gang cult-freak collective” that…well, read the title. Help me.

Holy shite. In the wikipedia entry for the film, Korine is quoted as saying that he planned to just leave the cassette the film is on just lying on a sidewalk somewhere for someone to find(!!!) instead of releasing it traditionally. Isn’t that when the FBI would have gotten involved? The one shot of the guy energetically porking the dumpster is going to stay with me for the rest of my life. Something about the film quality, and the old school electronic font, and the creepy old people masks makes me want to watch The Little Mermaid immediately.

When you were a kid (this might be more true for guys), was there an older kid in the neighborhood who was kinda sketchy and shouldn’t have been hanging out with younger kids and he would get you alone and show you things like the dead rat he was saving in his backyard under an abandoned rowboat, or his daddy’s gun collection? And then one day he showed you naked pics of his grandma or his parent’s sex toy that he found? That’s what this trailer made me feel like. Ugh.

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The Scariest Picture I’ve Ever Seen: Tom Brady’s New Hairpiece

June 15, 2010
Um....

Um....

Do you-? I….not sure. Why would….can someone….? Maybe his wife….

We are NEVER going to win another Superbowl.

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Lady Gaga Goes For “Subtle” At Sister’s Graduation

June 9, 2010
But how did she read the program under that? She's never gonna know who the salutorian is now!

But how did she read the program under that? She's never gonna know who the salutorian is now!

Michael K. over at Dlisted pretty much summed everything up about this picture of Lady Gaga at her sister’s high school graduation in NYC yesterday. Yes, we are all hoping that her little sis asked her to do it up art freak style for her big day. Because that would at least partially excuse this ploy. True, saying “oh no, sweetie, it’s your day, I’ll just wear a simple suit and pearls, it’s YOUR day” would have been preferable. But at the very least it lets her partially off the hook then if she just wore this not realizing she’s basically taken up residence in her own asshole with this move.

But the real reason I wanted to post this was because it TOTALLY reminded me of my FAVORITE wedding horror story. Whether it’s true or not, I have no idea but a former co-worker of mine told it with such relish that I choose to believe it really happened.

She said that she attended a wedding in which the groom’s mom had it in for the bride. Like that Gilmore Girls episode where Emily finds the carbon copy of Trix’s letter to Richard imploring him not to marry her. She was dead set against the wedding, but her hot problems did not make them call it off. So, to silently exhibit her protest…the bitch wore a black dress complete WITH HUGE BLACK HAT AND VEIL. She was walked down the aisle with her face covered by a big black veil as if in morning. Oh yes, it was all about her that day, kids. Horrifying sociopath behavior but I would have laughed all the way through Mass, along cocktail hour, during the toast, on the dance floor, and then finally stopped at the after party. Where I would then have been able to apologize to the bride and commiserate with her pain.

I hope someone wears a black veil to my wedding. I really couldn’t blame anyone in Scotty’s family.

p.s. No, this blog isn’t turning into J. Gaga but there’s nothing else really going on. Well, there’s some kind of oil spill thingy ruining our planet but there’s no glamour in that!

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Lindsay Lohan’s Booze Monitoring Anklet Went Drinkin’

June 9, 2010
Oh my god, you guys, I think my bracelet's totally drunk...

Oh my god, you guys, I think my bracelet's totally drunk...

A judge issued an arrest warrant for Lindsay Lohan yesterday since she was supposed to stay off the booze as part of her bail agreement for drunk driving charge #11,300.

Why the warrant? Well, her SCRAM bracelet reportedly went off after Lohan’s appearance in glittery jumpsuit at the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday night. It didn’t just go off. The thing drank all the liquor in Mom and Dad’s cabinet, puked in the begonias and took off with the car, crashing into a Dairy Mart and narrowly avoiding killing a Hostess display.

Most of us who are locked into a court-ordered alcohol-detecting jewelry piece are probably going to AVOID DRINKING ALCOHOL. You know, cuz’ of prison. But Lindsay Lohan decided “hey, I’m at an awards show…why does Katy Perry get to drink…fuck this…IMA DRINK!” *sigh*

Granted, who the hell could remain sober at the MTV Movie Awards? Kristen Stewart‘s mean muggin’ would drive anyone to hunker down with the nearest gas can of grain alcohol.

E! reports that the arrest warrant was called off when a bail bondsman put up $20,000 so that Lohan could remain a free boozebag. Btw, her bail was initially $10,000 but it got doubled on account of her being a fucking idiot.

The rolling wreck of a young actress(?) reportedly Tweeted that she had done nothing wrong. “Who do you believe, oshifer, me or some friggin’ *urp* techno-computer thing which is stiflin’ my career and my art? *hic* IT DOESN’T EVEN COME IN PINK! *drunken sob*”

Can she just pull it together and become a realtor at this point? There’s like two roads here…Eventual Overdose and Death St. or Sad Obscurity Ave. Oh sweetie, pick the one where you live! Buy a house there. Replant those begonias. LIVE!

Because if not, some greedy asshole is going to be sellin’ pics of you on a respirator. It happens.

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