Archive for the ‘Fashion shouldn't be deadly’ Category

Attack Of My Diaper Jeans

August 18, 2010

I feel you, girl

This is why she does so many drugs.

I have diaper jeans on today.

You know when women wear those high-waisted jeans that make their pelvis area look all puffy? Not exactly Mom jeans, but more like I was in a car accident and no longer have control of my continence and I am wearing a safety garment under these? They made a slight comeback a couple of years ago but better had they not lived at all! Check out Jessica Simpson looking like pudding in some above.

My current employer doesn’t give a holy hell what I roll through and wear to work, so I basically just fall into the metro racking that holds our clothes in the morning, hope something suitable and not too garish catches on one of my rolls, and stagger to the T. To my horror, I caught my reflection this morning and I am wearing diaper jeans!

See, sometime back in the day, I was probably out of clean clothes and went down to the Marshalls because I needed to look presentable that evening. And I don’t try on clothes. Because when you try on clothes they have cameras in those stalls! Or there are people behind the mirror laughing at you! Gretchen and LaShonda are sitting in a booth behind the two-way mirror, eating salted almonds, checking their texts and looking up to laugh at you!

Yes, that’s paranoia, but seriously..the lighting in those dressing rooms is like being under a neutron microscope and it highlights every flaw. You look about 300 lbs, with a face like a peach pit and I don’t mean where Brandon and Brenda hung out. So I just grab my size and so be it. Except I grabbed these Calvin Klein jeans, and they are DIAPER JEANS! And I didn’t have time to return em’, and I needed something to wear that evening, so I am now the owner of diaper jeans! I probably wore a button-down that reached my ankles that evening to disguise them!

It looks like I am wearing five pairs of pantaloons under these things. Granted, they make my junk look bigger than it actually is but I just look misshapen. And they also go way past my shoes so they are too long. WHO IN THE HELL PUT 36/30 ON THESE WHEN THEY ARE ACTUALLY 42/42 except in the pelvic length area where they are 2? But then they go up to my moobs! Someone needs to laze the cataracts over at CK’s sweatshop in Taiwan! Seriously, people must think I am fucking June Allyson and that ho is dead!

I once witnessed a grown woman go berserk in a Calvin Klein outlet (true story) because she could not find white jeans that would fit her ass. WHERE WERE THOSE JEANS WHEN I NEED THEM!

Plus, I put on a t-shirt that’s an L instead of an XL, which means it’s fairly short on me so you can see my diaper jeans in all of their bulky glory.

Maybe I could work this look in certain areas of Brooklyn, or London but I am in Massachusetts. There is no salvation for a man in DIAPER JEANS in Massachusetts.

I am going to sue Marshalls for subjecting me to this. I will bring TJX to its knees for this travesty!

An old woman gave my diaper jeans a disgusted look when I passed her this morning! And she was about 450 and her shower cap DID NOT match her caftan! But what did she care, she wasn’t in DIAPER JEANS!

The Scariest Picture I’ve Ever Seen: Tom Brady’s New Hairpiece

June 15, 2010


Do you-? I….not sure. Why would….can someone….? Maybe his wife….

We are NEVER going to win another Superbowl.

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“Smize?”, Bitch? SMIZE?!?!

September 17, 2009
That's not a smize, Ty Ty! You're showing your chiclets!

That's not a smize, Ty Ty! You're showing your chiclets!

Any of you hookers who watched Top Model last night were treated to an embarrassing spectacle. Never before have I seen something on TV as rigoddamndiculous as Tyra Banks as “Supersmize.” What is Supersmize? It’s Tyra’s new flat weaved, canned H.A.M. (hot ass mess) supercrazy vaccuum packed in some spandex and defeating gay photographers by smiling with her eyes acting job.

Stumbling in dressed as Clark Kunt and over-acting, she launched into a series of poses with the cheapest, most horrifying camera work since that … “documentary” (porno) I shot at Bear Week in P-Town this past summer. And those poor girls had to cheer and clap! Oh, it hurt my ovaries with the awful.

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Banks has created a new term, “smize”, for her (self-described) major talent – smiling with your eyes. She wants it on Urban Dictionary, she wants gays across this fey land using it, and she wants to obviously cause burgeoning models to lose their jobs because if I was a photographer and some waif asked me if she should “smize”, I would ask her ass to leave and take her Diet Coke and ciggies with her. Because Tyra Banks is ruining modeling for the rest of us by trying to remake it in her own image. And that image is “fucking crazy meglomaniacal bitch!”

Imagine Anna Wintour using “smize?” Me neither.

Oh, and you achieve “smize” by imagining a delicious food you want to eat. These are models. If they imagine food, someone is going to pass the fuck out! They’re not eating dick besides half a rice cake and some cocainya! And some dick.

You know that feeling you get when the gay teacher on Glee performs hip-hop (I mean the main dude) or when Tyra inexplicably launches into a French accent (the French must hate her ass)? That feeling of being embarrassed for someone who doesn’t realize there’s been some soiling of their panties? Multiple that by ten. That’s Supersmize’s real fucking mutant ability.

To demonstate – Tornetta Danjazhands is staying with us and I looked over at one point and she had her face in her hands and was shivering from what we were witnessing. I myself actually attempted to crawl face-first into a fan to make it stop. Yes, I would rather have no face than know Supersmize.

SUPERSMIZE?!?!? SMIZE?!?! Girl, bye!

p.s. And don’t think it won’t catch on. All of us fags urge each other to “smile with your eyes” when someone’s snapping pics on their iPhones. Now it’s gonna be, “smize, bitches!” I am only going to accept “smize” from a mo’ if he’s wearing Tyra’s Supersmize outfit.

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Ra’Mon’s Scat Dress On Project Runway

September 16, 2009
"Ra'mon, why does your garment smell like stinkies?"

This was one of the few rags on ProjRun this season that I was feeling. And then I found out the crazy bitch with the soft eyes dyed it in a toilet bowl. Blech.

(Project Runway is not doing it for me this season. I’m just bored. I don’t mean to hate because the show is a classic of gay and good times. But it’s not must-see for me anymore. Note the lack of recaps.)

Page Six has a hot story in which Tim Gunn reveals that Mitchell-hating (me, too) Ra’Mon Lawrence Coleman used a toilet to dye his neoprene dress for the incredibly stupid and nonsensical design surfwear with a matching avant-garde piece challenge. Dude, Nina Garcia and Kors keep banging into work because EVERYONE hates LA and they brought in the writers of Army Wives or some shit because that challenge made not a lick of sense.

Anyway –

“What the audience didn’t see is me going into the men’s room, saying to Ra’mon, ‘Would you please get that neoprene thing out of the toilet? If you’re going to dye it, dye it in the sink. It’s more hygienic,’ ” Gunn told

Purportedly, Coleman liked the fact that the toilet bowl provided a deeper basin than the sink, but he caved to Gunn’s pleas.

Coleman’s model wasn’t exactly bowled over at the idea of wearing the look on the runway, said Gunn.

“His model was refusing to wear it, because she knew it had been in the toilet. I had a showdown with her in the sewing room about how you’re a professional, this is what you have to do.”

Don’t mind the e coli, Chanel. Just make it work. Can you blame the twig? Damn. Hey Tim, you wear an ascot that I got out of this dirty diaper pail.

I guess I missed The Models Of The Runway episode that dealt with this toilet mess? That show. For real. It’s not like there’s anything they can do to not get kicked off. If you just show up, and can walk…you’re not exactly contributing to your own fate. And now I gotta watch that fucking show for the model selection. I hate Lifetime.

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