Archive for the ‘Feed me’ Category

Temp Diary, Final Day (1)

March 19, 2015

cupzfjZz.Em.156

The man in slush-dirtied Kenneth Cole knock-offs trudged through the industrial park. The Cup O’ Noodles clutched in his angry, defeated, ashamed, rueful hand followed. Or something to that Stephen King’s The Gunslinger series effect.

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How Being A Messy Eater Makes You Socially Unacceptable (9:49 AM, Near Kendall Square)

September 18, 2012

Time: 9:49 AM
Place: Off of Kendall Square

Sleep last night wasn’t happening, whether because of wedding worries or Scotty constantly putting the dog in our bed and then going to watch TV and the dog wanting to be with Scotty so it has to wake me up to get him to Scotty. Go fuck yourself, Cooper. Anyway, all I could think about during my MBTA commute was:

A) a medium hot tea with skim and three Splenda
B) the can of Diet Pepsi I was going to shotgun once I got to work (gay internet sex workers get free soda, it’s a perk and something to drink while you’re praying the next set of pics you have to look at doesn’t include a prolapsed rectum)

and I’m setting the next one apart so you realize it’s importance…

C) A COFFEE CAKE MUFFIN FROM DUNKIE’S

I got my muffin, but it was ruined due to me having the mobile table manners of a feral child. Read on.

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Gone Too Soon: An Amanda Bynes Career Retrospective

June 21, 2010

Is it REALLY a coup to look like a kumquat? Really?

Is it REALLY a coup to look like a kumquat? Really?

No, Penny Pingleton ain’t dead. But she did launch a thousand screaming sobs and God-cursing dives onto the coffin when she recently Twittered that she has left acting for good. Amanda Bynes, star of…that show with Kelly Taylor from 90210, and didn’t she have some sort of comedy thing on Nickelodeon when she was little…and uh, I think she foolishly re-did that awesome 80s movie where the girl poses as a dude in high school to like, uncover sexism (cuz’ no one noticed it before) and falls in love with the rebel. *tentatively* That was it, right? I mean it’s Amanda fucking Bynes. It’s not like Vanessa Redgrave has tapped out here. Oh, and she played Penny Pingleton. Mandy, no!

I’ve never written the movies & tv shows I’ve been apart of I’ve only acted like the characters the producers or directors wanted me to play
6:58 AM Jun 19th via web

Being an actress isn’t as fun as it may seem
6:59 AM Jun 19th via web

If I don’t love something anymore I stop doing it
7:47 AM Jun 19th via web

I don’t love acting anymore so I’ve stopped doing it
7:48 AM Jun 19th via web

I know 24 is a young age to retire but you heard it here first I’ve #retired
7:50 AM Jun 19th via web

Well, that’s it folks. Bynes out. You know Amanda doesn’t….wait…wow….jesus christ, look at that pic. That bitch is ORANGE. Remember back in the Marie Antoinette era when women wanted to be as pale as possible because it meant they didn’t work out in the fields? That script got flipped, huh?

For more of Amanda’s performing prowess, fast forward to 1:15. Uta Hagen herself couldn’t have gotten more emphasis out of “SeeWUHED!”

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Angelina Jolie Helping Bitches Out…

June 16, 2010
The dude behind her senses the evil.

The dude behind her senses the evil.

Doesn’t it seem like she’s secretly the who caused it? There’s Mordor in her eyes! Bitch is Sauron! Anyway, United Nations Goodwill Ambassador Angelina Jolie filmed a new PSA for World Refugee Day (click on that link because I am not an uncaring bitch….that much). Here it is.

I am the worst person in the our shallow nation because I was totally ignoring the footage of humans in pain and suffering to catch glimpses of how her hair looked. I can admit it. I suck. I am desensitized to tragedy and evil. Her hair made the grade, though. It seemed ok on volume, and I was sort of liking the little bangs action she had going on.

She’s a beautiful woman but there is a whole parallel universe of evil behind those eyes. In her thoughts, she’s wearing black latex, and wielding a whip over the backs of doughy white Americans carrying her on some sort of land barge. Her multitudes of multi-ethnic children march in front, carrying golden banners with her face on them. There is no evil here, I have eliminated all of your sickness, pain, and suffering, but you must fork over at least 100 souls every third month that I may feast upon them!

Stormclouds roll and thunder as birds caw in terror and scatter to the four winds! Washerwomen drop the buckets down the wells out of fright and run screaming into the forest as her procession enters the town square. She’s like Ming the Merciless with tits! You know one of her vacation homes is the damn Death Star.

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Levi Johnston’s Sister Isn’t Having It

June 16, 2010
This is her.

This is her.

Ok, I don't think that's her and Levi doesn't look like that anymore but this picture is so rad and I am totally feeling that chick's gun glamour. It makes me want to visit Alaska and meet these hillbillies but act as straight as possible so I don't get my homosexual head blown off.

Ok, I don't think that's her and Levi doesn't look like that anymore but this picture is so rad and I am totally feeling that chick's gun glamour. It makes me want to visit Alaska and meet these hillbillies but act as straight as possible so I don't get my homosexual head blown off.

So my friend Madams sent me the link to the blog of Mercede Johnston. Who’s she? She’s the sister of Levi Johnston. Who’s he? He’s the redneck youth who knocked up former vice-presidential candidate/bimbo politico Sarah Palin‘s daughter Bristol. Apparently, Mercede (Madams is funny because he suggested she was named that because Mrs. Johnson thought Mercedes was the plural) hates her twat of a former-girlfriend-in-law and needed to set the record straight. I LOVE when adjunct non-celebrities of sorta-celebrities set the record straight. Oh she’s got a Paypal button on her blog, don’t even disbelieve it, honey.

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Lady Gaga Goes For “Subtle” At Sister’s Graduation

June 9, 2010
But how did she read the program under that? She's never gonna know who the salutorian is now!

But how did she read the program under that? She's never gonna know who the salutorian is now!

Michael K. over at Dlisted pretty much summed everything up about this picture of Lady Gaga at her sister’s high school graduation in NYC yesterday. Yes, we are all hoping that her little sis asked her to do it up art freak style for her big day. Because that would at least partially excuse this ploy. True, saying “oh no, sweetie, it’s your day, I’ll just wear a simple suit and pearls, it’s YOUR day” would have been preferable. But at the very least it lets her partially off the hook then if she just wore this not realizing she’s basically taken up residence in her own asshole with this move.

But the real reason I wanted to post this was because it TOTALLY reminded me of my FAVORITE wedding horror story. Whether it’s true or not, I have no idea but a former co-worker of mine told it with such relish that I choose to believe it really happened.

She said that she attended a wedding in which the groom’s mom had it in for the bride. Like that Gilmore Girls episode where Emily finds the carbon copy of Trix’s letter to Richard imploring him not to marry her. She was dead set against the wedding, but her hot problems did not make them call it off. So, to silently exhibit her protest…the bitch wore a black dress complete WITH HUGE BLACK HAT AND VEIL. She was walked down the aisle with her face covered by a big black veil as if in morning. Oh yes, it was all about her that day, kids. Horrifying sociopath behavior but I would have laughed all the way through Mass, along cocktail hour, during the toast, on the dance floor, and then finally stopped at the after party. Where I would then have been able to apologize to the bride and commiserate with her pain.

I hope someone wears a black veil to my wedding. I really couldn’t blame anyone in Scotty’s family.

p.s. No, this blog isn’t turning into J. Gaga but there’s nothing else really going on. Well, there’s some kind of oil spill thingy ruining our planet but there’s no glamour in that!

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Hey, Katy Perry – Shut Your Mouth

June 9, 2010
She's just mad because she wore half of Lindsay Lohan's outfit.

She's just mad because she wore half of Lindsay Lohan's outfit.

Ugh, this bitch just fell off. So Katy Perry seems to have watched Lady Gaga‘s new vid for “Alejandro,” and being a devout Christian got all offended. So people should only be provocative on your terms? She should be more offended that her music is fucking awful. Did you hear that dreck song “California Gurls?” Is someone holding Snoop Dogg’s family hostage so that he would guest on it?

Anyway, E! reports that she threw shade at Gaga on Twitter, The Social Messaging Choice of Twats Everywhere.

“Using blasphemy as entertainment is as cheap as a comedian telling a fart joke,” Perry tweeted yesterday.

I don’t like her point. I, myself, am not into toilet humor but Sophia had some pretty good fart jokes on The Golden Girls, and they were comediennes extraordinaire. And doesn’t this trick realize fauxmosexuality is blasphemy (as well as the supposed bisexuality she was singing about) to her Christian community? I kissed a girl…to sell records! Eat a dick, Katy.

What’s blasphemy is co-opting every single musical style possible in a soulless manner just to get your corny ass on the radio. Rock, dance, bubblegum pop, oh she’s SO diverse. Right. And your blue wig sucks.

Look at me, defending Gaga like some hysterical queen. I wasn’t overly jazzed about the clip myself, but I will totally send Katy’s high horse to the glue factory for her.

Oh, and yeah, in the interest of fairness…I have “Self-Inflicted” on my iPod. I heard it on Pandora one day, and I got into it. See, my honesty might reveal me to be a hypocrite but it’s still honesty! I’m not perfect! I have flaws! But those flaws comprise A DIAMOND!

Check this out. AWFUL.

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Get Her!

June 5, 2010
I love you way more than Daddy does.

I love you way more than Daddy does.

So Kate Gosselin and her child junta will once again grace TLC in a new special called Kate Plus 8 Minus Fucktard Still Cunty. The actual title is Kate Plus 8 but see what I did there? Anyway, People has a sneak preview and Kate takes her kids to the Everglades for a vacation? Check the adventure!

What else is in store for Kate and the kids on Sunday’s show? More close encounters with creatures — they’ll feed sting rays and exotic birds and swim with dolphins — as well as some tasty treats. They’ll participate in an orange juice squeezing contest and eat birthday cake, of course!

It’s the kids’ sixth birthday celebration. Uh, have you heard of a place called Disney, Mom? Cuz’ raping hillbillies in swamp shacks on stilts and deadly water moccasins are not my idea of awesome birthday times! Alexis needs to drop her a note or something!

Anyway, they go on one of those Everglades tours that I will never ever be a part of because of my fear of reptiles. Here’s Kate’s battle with an alligator. The alligator needs to get on the stick and handle this business! But it’s too damn lazy! Couldn’t someone have put some raw meat on Kate’s head?

Oh, and my kingdom for the ability to make one of those gif things of Kate imitating what the alligator sounded like when it supposedly threatened her. “AWWHEHHHH!” Say it again, Kate! “AWWEHHHH!!” That’s the sound Jon makes when he squeezes into his Ed Hardy shirts and prays that coke dick won’t mess up his swingin’ new bachelor lifestyle again.

In other news, it’s wrong that I miss Kate’s angry cockatoo hairstyle, right?

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“Smize?”, Bitch? SMIZE?!?!

September 17, 2009
That's not a smize, Ty Ty! You're showing your chiclets!

That's not a smize, Ty Ty! You're showing your chiclets!

Any of you hookers who watched Top Model last night were treated to an embarrassing spectacle. Never before have I seen something on TV as rigoddamndiculous as Tyra Banks as “Supersmize.” What is Supersmize? It’s Tyra’s new flat weaved, canned H.A.M. (hot ass mess) supercrazy vaccuum packed in some spandex and defeating gay photographers by smiling with her eyes acting job.

Stumbling in dressed as Clark Kunt and over-acting, she launched into a series of poses with the cheapest, most horrifying camera work since that … “documentary” (porno) I shot at Bear Week in P-Town this past summer. And those poor girls had to cheer and clap! Oh, it hurt my ovaries with the awful.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about "[HD] America’s Next Top Model Cycle 1…", posted with vodpod

Banks has created a new term, “smize”, for her (self-described) major talent – smiling with your eyes. She wants it on Urban Dictionary, she wants gays across this fey land using it, and she wants to obviously cause burgeoning models to lose their jobs because if I was a photographer and some waif asked me if she should “smize”, I would ask her ass to leave and take her Diet Coke and ciggies with her. Because Tyra Banks is ruining modeling for the rest of us by trying to remake it in her own image. And that image is “fucking crazy meglomaniacal bitch!”

Imagine Anna Wintour using “smize?” Me neither.

Oh, and you achieve “smize” by imagining a delicious food you want to eat. These are models. If they imagine food, someone is going to pass the fuck out! They’re not eating dick besides half a rice cake and some cocainya! And some dick.

You know that feeling you get when the gay teacher on Glee performs hip-hop (I mean the main dude) or when Tyra inexplicably launches into a French accent (the French must hate her ass)? That feeling of being embarrassed for someone who doesn’t realize there’s been some soiling of their panties? Multiple that by ten. That’s Supersmize’s real fucking mutant ability.

To demonstate – Tornetta Danjazhands is staying with us and I looked over at one point and she had her face in her hands and was shivering from what we were witnessing. I myself actually attempted to crawl face-first into a fan to make it stop. Yes, I would rather have no face than know Supersmize.

SUPERSMIZE?!?!? SMIZE?!?! Girl, bye!

p.s. And don’t think it won’t catch on. All of us fags urge each other to “smile with your eyes” when someone’s snapping pics on their iPhones. Now it’s gonna be, “smize, bitches!” I am only going to accept “smize” from a mo’ if he’s wearing Tyra’s Supersmize outfit.

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Stormin’ The Stage At The VMAS! (Kanye Wasn’t Alone!)

September 16, 2009
"Gimme that casaba, ya peabrain..."

There’s a hot new trend in Hollywood, and no, I don’t mean shoving meth crystals up your ass while writhing on a stripper pole attached to an ice cream truck (I see you, Miley). Celebrities now like to storm the stage at awards shows! And who can blame them? There’s really only so much attention to go round, and you need to seize that spotlight if you feel people haven’t thought about you and your art in the last five minutes.

The VMAs on MTV were actually sorta thrilling this year (eye roll) due to celebrities acting upon their desperation!

By now, everyone has seen the video of drunk homosexual Kanye West (dude, you’ve seen his piece…that is a gay fashionista’s wet dream of a girlfriend) rolling up on innocent little Christian Taylor Swift to tell her and the world that she didn’t deserve her video of the year award and that it should have gone to Beyonce‘s thick leg for that video she ripped off of Bob Fosse’s piece and had the robot hand of dancing danger. It was a precious moment for Kanye. West, high on Hennessy (check the photo), was trying to make sure he worked some twattiness out of his psyche in front of America and somehow arrange a connection with Beyonce. I think he just wants to style her next photoshoot. And a pretty 18-year-old looked like she wanted to cry. Hot. Beyonce was also able to somehow distance herself from the matter, yet not completely close down the option of Kanye appearing on her next single with a mere look. Bitch knows how to temper it to achieve maximum results!

"Glad we hit the packie before this shitz, girl. These drinks are 'spensive!"

I am every shade of malevolent, and I feel that it is right and just for a teenager to be made to cry in front of America. She has a ton of money, she’s pretty, and she’s on top of the world. She will look back on this (fake) moment in her life and (laugh that it got her even more press and made her look even more like the human version of Barbie’s cousin Skipper) realize it toughened her up. In short, I enjoyed it and I was hoping for a waterfall of tears to soak the front of her dress. Not for that reason, pervs! This tragedy did not touch my heart.

Everyone went up in their arms about this matter, like it was crucial to world politics. Our president (who needs to check his “I’m down with the people” thing a little and focus on some more important shit like being a Nazi about healthcare..I kid) even called Kanye a “jackass!” West has already gone on an apology tour, Taylor’s got something new to talk about besides being pretty, and popular, and accepting Jesus into her heart, and Beyonce gets to look like the Salvation Army of one for offering Taylor screen time to accept her reward without a drunk homo swooping in on her ass.

Frankly, all of these people are useless and this is just going to make THEM MORE MONEY! Someone is going to end up on someone else’s song, and making a surprise appearance at someone’s concert! Don’t get it twisted! Jesus, they had Beyonce and Taylor in matching dresses when she had her come out! All of this shit is planned! There aren’t stupid people! Or at least, theses are stupid people with hard-working publicist types. You know that every other award winner there was wishing Kanye had flitted out to rant during THEIR acceptance speech! Fuck, if I was a celeb type, you would have noted me peeping for Kanye out of the side of my eye and hoping him and his bottle of licka were on the way to ruin my evening for maximum fame results!

I was sitting in a bar yesterday afternoon (don’t judge, I’m unemployed) and I was noting that every story on the Insider seemed to revolve around these dicks. Uh, hello, it should have been the Patrick Swayze appreciation hour and these plastic people got top billing. Boo, bytch, boo! STAGED!

Oh, and like I said. Kanye wasn’t the only one looking to illuminate their lives on someone else’s time. Check this:

"If there wasn't a camera on us right now, I would be dropkicking your midget ass into the front row, bitch."

So Lil’ Mama is kind of a rapper and a judge on one of those reality dance shows, and well, that’s about it. Obviously she realized that she needs to get on the come up and bring everyone’s attention to her and her dwarf act. So she leapt upon the stage during Jay-Z and Alicia Keys‘ performance and posed with them at the end. Hova tried to shoo her ass off the stage to no avail. I’m surprised that that bull dyke Alicia Keys (don’t get mad) didn’t punch her in the bagina. Keys strikes me as someone who doesn’t brook intrusion upon her show. Anyway, Lil’ Mama later issued an apology, causing people to go “who dat?”

To Kanye’s credit, he can inspire a trend that is so delicious bitches are jacking it a half-hour later. That queen is leading the charge!

Hopefully, white people embrace this new trend (seriously, black people are always going to get ripped off by us, it’s sad but true) and we start seeing Kathy Bates bum-rush the show during Cate Blanchett’s speech at the Oscars, insisting that the award should have gone to Edie McClurg.

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