Archive for the ‘Fuck assisted living!’ Category

Overheard On A Flight To Indianapolis….

September 22, 2013

Grumpy

US Airways Flight I Don’t Have My Old Boarding Pass In Front Of Me To Indianapolis
Tarmac, Logan, Approximately 1:15 PM

There is a middle-aged bordering on elderly couple sitting two rows behind me.

There is a shrieking toddler behind them.

The husband begins to grumble.

Husband (turned around and looking back over his seat at the child’s guardian): You’re going to have to do something about that.

Guardian: (murmurs something I don’t catch)

Toddler: AAAIEEEEEEHHHHHHHHH! AAAAOOWWWWWWWW! MMMMMMOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW! RRRRRRRAAAAARRR!

Husband: HE IS KICKING MY CHAIR! HE PULLED MY WIFE’S HAIR!

Guardian: (silence)

Toddler: AAAIEEEEHHH!! STOP STABBING ME, PLANE GHOST! IS THAT BLOOD COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? MY SCREAMS ARE LEGEND!

Husband (to the female flight attendant currently helping a couple in the row across from me stow their bullshit-sized carry-ons, seriously, just fucking check it, you’re ruining everything by trying to store the Ark of the fucking Covenant in the overhead bin): Miss? MISS? We need help here!

Entire plane  (to themselvessome excited and others dreading what’s to come): Oh, it’s on now…

The flight attendant is early 40s, pleasant-looking but also has that veteran passenger wrangler air about her. This dude is clearly in trouble if he thinks he’s going to tussle with her.

Flight attendant: Yes, sir? How can I help you?

Husband: You NEED to do something about this (I assume he indicated the horror behind him with an indignant thumb). He is KICKING MY CHAIR. And he has PULLED MY WIFE’S HAIR ALREADY! He keeps KICKING MY CHAIR.

Oddly, it bothers me somewhat that he keeps referring to his seat as a “chair”. That’s not a chair. Stop it.

Flight attendant: Sir, we have a full flight. There are no empty seats. Let me see if I can resolve this, though. Ok?

Husband: *harumph*

Toddler: FFFUCCKCCK THISS GUYYYY!!! I AM GOING TO SCCREEAMMMMM!! AAIIEEEEEHH!! MURDER DEATH BODIES BLOOD!!!!

I can hear the attendant talking in a hushed tone with the child’s guardian. The child’s screaming volumes down slightly. The attendant makes her way back up the aisle to the front of the plane. The child’s screaming ratchets up to maximum volume. Shifty kid.

Husband. Great. GREAT. Can you believe this?

We can believe it. The entire plane hates you and that kid. It would be a toss-up as to which of you we would jettison if we were allowed. Probably you, because toddlers can be cute.

The flight attendant makes her way down the aisle heading to the back of the plane.

Toddler: AAAIEEEEHHHH!! THIS BITCH CAN’T SHUT ME UP! DREAM ON, ASSHOLE! AAAIIEEEEHHH!!!! WWWHHYYY ISS GOD TORMENTING ME SO THAT I HAVE TO SCREAM THIS LOUD!!!!

Husband (losing it): MISS! MISS! THIS IS ENOUGH! WE PAID A LOT OF MONEY FOR THESE TICKETS AND HE WON’T STOP KICKING MY SEAT AND HE’S PULLED MY WIFE’S HAIR! YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING OR WE’RE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM!

Me: (under my breath) Seriously?

The guy to the left of me: (under his breath) Asshole.

The guy to the right of me: (under his breath) Sky Mall has some cool shit.

Flight attendant (gritting her teeth but keeping it together): Sir, I have already explained to you that this flight is FULL. There is nowhere to move you or your wife to. I’m very sorry. These things happen. Perhaps…

Husband (interrupting her ass): REALLY? REALLY? OK, HOWABOUT YOU SIT HERE AND TAKE THIS AND I’LL WALK UP AND DOWN THE AISLES, DOO TOO DOO!

Yes, the last thing he said was in a sing-songy voice meant to imply that she walked up and down the aisles like she had some brain components missing. The entire plane went silent (except for the kid so maybe they didn’t go silent because jesus, he was loud). I could HEAR her jaw tighten.

Before she could respond (I actually heard an intake of breath because she was going to let him have it), a couple approached her and they conferred.

Flight attendant: Sir, these gracious people have been generous enough to offer to switch seats with you. That’s all I can do for you. Hurry now.

Husband: Fine. Fine. You know, I like kids. I don’t hate kids. We have grandchildren. It’s just that he was pulling my…

Flight attendant (over it and talking down to him so blatantly that I’m waiting for him to accuse her of pulling his wife’s hair): Hurry! Hurry now! Hurry up! We’re waiting to taxi because of this. Please hurry!

Toddler: III’MMM SSTTTILLL SCREAMING, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!! FLECKS OF BLOOD FROM MY VOCAL CHORDS ARE SPATTERING ALL OF YOUR HAIR AND MAGAZINES!!!!!

The kid stopped crying the very second we left the runway, and remained quiet until we touched down. At which point he began screaming again. *end scene*

Overheard: Red Line, Wollaston To Kendall, Beginning At 8:42 AM

November 12, 2012

This is what came up in a Google Images search for “Terror Train.” This was much more interesting than Jamie Lee Curtis screaming. The dog seems happy to be riding on a big pig head.

The source: Male. Late 50s. Large. Very large. Eyes turned beady due to fleshy face. Oxygen tank parked by his legs. He’s wearing shorts with athletic socks. Cell phone. He’s got a cell phone and he’s conducting all of his correspondence on it.

Transcript: “No, no. Patti. PATTI! PATTI, JUST GET IN THE SHOWER AND PUSH THE BUTTON! I can get off. I can get off. North Quincy? I’m at North Quincy now. PATTI, DON’T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE! What did you have for breakfast? Oh yes, dear – ME, TOO! Blueberries! And bananas! My doctor got me hooked on them. Yeah. Yeah. He says they’re good for my ‘tasium or something. I don’t remember. How’s the DVVV player working? I love it! I love mine! That ray thing. Yes, yes, and when my cable went out that time, I was still able to watch movies! It was incredible! Oh, that DVVV player. Hold on, it’s Daniel. *clicks over* Daniel! DON’T YOU GET ME ANGRY ON THIS TRAIN! I’m on the train! You are a big boy, and you do what you think is necessary, Daniel. THAT DOCTOR SAID SIX WEEKS! DANIEL, I DON’T WANT TO ARGUE WITH YOU – I’M ON THE TRAIN! You’re a big boy. You do what you want. You’re mad and going to do what you want anyway. No, six weeks. The doctor…he said…Daniel. You are wrong. You are in the wrong, but I don’t care. I’m out of it. I’m staying out of it. I gotta get back to Patti. Patti. I SAID PATTI! Bye. *clicks back over* Patti? Patti? Are you there, dear?

Tiffany and Debbie Gibson To Fight Giant Snakes and Alligators

June 26, 2010
Debbie seems to have won the preservation contest, huh?

Debbie seems to have won the preservation contest, huh?

This is what Google Images gives you when you ask for a python and an alligator. So Tiff and Deb will be fighting this. But bigger?

This is what Google Images gives you when you ask for a python and an alligator. So Tiff and Deb will be fighting this. But bigger?

The Hollywood Reporter has their finger on the pulse of my need to know about whatever Debbie (eff that “Deborah” shite) and Tiffany are doing at any given moment, so they really gifted me with this one. Hot on the heels of Debbie’s triumphant turn in Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus, SyFy has announced that she will now star opposite her chief rival for 80s relevancy in Mega-Python Vs. Gatoroid. Ohmygod, I love life.

And not only that, but the bitches will be duking it out in a catfight. IN A SWAMP! Is Tiffany playing Gatoroid?

Gibson will play a fanatical animal-rights activist who frees illegally imported exotic snakes from pet stores, sending them into the Everglades, where they grow to mega sizes. Tiffany will play an overzealous park ranger who uses dangerous methods to save endangered alligators.

In the script, the pair brawl at a party, then take matters outside into the swamp.

Fuck, what wasn’t I invited to that damn party? The party of the century! And I love how Debbie is playing a stupid character who releases snakes that grow to epic proportions because the water is….irradiated? Well, there is a big friggin’ oil spill currently ruining our ecosystem, and the lives of several thousand people, fish and fowl so why not? BP is going to be SCREWED when a giant water moccasin attacks their world headquarters. Dumb bitches.

Anyway, the girls are thrilled to be working again even if it’s an a giant monster movie with crap CGI for basic cable. Please, Tiffany just finished her last Hot Pocket and those things don’t grow on trees!

“I know that pop culture fanatics have been dying for Tiffany and me to collaborate for the past 24 years!” said Gibson in a statement. “What better way to do it than by battling each other in a campy romp through the Everglades?”

“Only in my dreams have I been able to have a catfight with Debbie Gibson…until now!” Tiffany said. “This is soo MEGA cool!”

I was going to award Debbie the medal for best pre-filming quote when she rightly noted this is “campy,” but then Tiffany had to go and use a Debbie Gibson song title basically insuring herself the win. Kudos, Tiff.

p.s. And if you want to see how awesome(ly bad) this project could be, check out Debbie giving her finest actress skillz in her previous project. When the shark eats the Golden Gate Bridge, I come alive inside.

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I Feel Kinda Bad For Mrs. Jackson

June 21, 2010

Isn't this a nice picture of them? I'm not being a cooze, I really mean it.

Isn't this a nice picture of them? I'm not being a cooze, I really mean it.

Katherine Jackson gave her first “How I feel about MJ dying” full-length interview to People, and she says that she doesn’t think Michael did any pills. Or other drugs. Uh. Oh. Well. Um. Oh, Katie.

“I heard from people that he was taking prescription drugs but I never saw my son in any way drugged.”

“If I could see him again,” she says, “I would want to know one thing: ‘Who did this to you?’ ”

Uh, well, I’m going to say he sorta/kinda did it to himself. Cuz’, I’m pretty sure he was taking A GRIP of drugs. Didn’t he also note publicly some years back (I think right before he fled to the Middle East during the bed sharing with children incident part 2) that he had a painkiller addiction? And didn’t the autopsy show that he was nothing BUT drugs? Like “hi, my body is 75% pharmaceuticals with my pasty skin and fake facial parts on top?”

Seriously, I can’t snark that much on her ass. She seems like a nice lady. And MJ did have some creepy hangers-on who were a little too prescription pad-happy. And she has to put up with that gross demon of a money-sucking husband. And raise three young kids. I know, she has money but it still can’t be easy.

Oh, and she also says that Michael’s kids (Paris, Prince, and Comforter) are home-schooled but will go to a private school next year. Oh, THAT’s not going to be tough for them or anything. Then again, they get to avoid having their grandfather trying to screw them out of their allowance and lemonade stand money all day. That guy is a surefire dick.

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Madonna Swingin’ Her Gnarlies About In A Celebration

September 1, 2009

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Here’s Madonna‘s latest clip for her new joint, “Celebration.” I commend her on one thing. She was smart enough to command the cinematographer to flood her segments with enough bright Auntie Gina talking to the demons Poltergeist all are welcome light that we don’t notice things like this:

madonnaflynet1-300x269

When your arms look like those big effing trees that carried Merry and Pippin around in Frodo Land than it’s time to take a break from the yoga. What does she do when she’s displeased with an employee? Just bodily rip their head off with those swamp thing roots?

I do like the spangly Mad Men mini-dress with the shades and the short hair. Notice how she’s 51 now and there’s no more line-dancing with the other minions because her old bones are so withered from lack of food and too much exercise that she might shatter all over some Alvin Ailey graduate. Her ass is in a separate room where no one can get blinded by a stray bone shard.

Btw, that’s her newest underage penis donor conquest (Brazillian model Jesus Luz) pretending to be a DJ while Madonna rubs her dry lips all over him. Both sets, on the TLC tip!

You know she only dates that infant so she can tell people she’s fucking Jesus.

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Squeaky Fromme Is Free!

August 19, 2009

SF1

Now don’t jump the gun. I am not celebrating the eventual release of psychopathic murder accomplices or wannabe presidential assassins. Ritual murder/assassination/wearing red cloaks out in public during the daytimes = BAD. I’m aware.

It was announced last week that Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme was being released from the joint after doing 34 years of hard time for leveling a gun at President Gerald Ford in 1975 in Sacramento, California. I was one!

SF2

Going after the president with an unloaded gun wasn’t the first station that Squeaky baby’s crazy train stopped at. You see, she was the de facto leader of the Manson Family after Charlie and the other girls got pinched for the Tate/LaBianca murders in 1969. Fromme acted as his mouthpiece to the media, relaying everything everyone needed to know about saving the redwoods to prevent being murdered in your bed, carving “x”s into your forehead to show solidarity with your jailed cult leader, and kneeling outside of the courthouse until the end of time or until “our father, aka Jesus Christ, is released.”

I have always had a fascination with the Manson Family and their crimes. I read Helter Skelter when I was a kid and I slept with the lights on for a week straight afterwards. Then I read Ed Sanders’ The Family, which is an even scarier book – detailing all of the stuff that didn’t make it into Helter Skelter. These waifs and burnouts were gathered together by a shabby little ex-con with an iota of charisma and basically ended the peace and free love mindet of the 60s with edged weaponry. That’s a big deal. Plus – home invasion by knife-wielding murderous hippies is terrifying. These hoes would bust out of the desert at night, go on a kill rampage, and adjourn back to the sand the next morning. How scary is that?!?!

This is so her senior picture from the Murder High yearbook...

This is so her senior picture from the Murder High yearbook...

But of all of the mixed-up, murderous weirdos involved – Squeaky holds a special place in my heart. Why? Because she’s crazy, while being essentially non-lethal. You can’t be a spokesmodel for your cause and still keeping painting on the walls with the blood of the people you’re trying to reach. It’s just bad PR.

The Squeaksta WAS involved in some shady shit, don’t get it twisted. She was the chief threatener of snitches (she arranged for the attempted murder by LSD overdose in the hamburger of a former Manson Family member who was set to testify against Charlie’s Angels, no really). She was also briefly associated with the murder of a married couple by members of the Aryan Brotherhood after most of the Family had scattered to the winds. And then there was the day in Sacramento when she rolled up on the pratfall President in a red dress and cap and took out her pistol.

She said she knew Ford was in town and near her, “and I said, ‘I gotta go and talk to him,’ and then I thought, ‘That’s foolish. He’s not going to stop and talk to you.’ People have already shown you can lay blood in front of them and they’re not, you know, they don’t think anything of it. I said, ‘Maybe I’ll take the gun,’ and I thought, ‘I have to do this. This is the time.’ ”

She said it never occurred to her that she could wind up in prison. Asked whether she had any regrets, Fromme said, “No. No, I don’t. I feel it was fate.” However, she said she thought that her incarceration was “unnecessary” and that she couldn’t see herself repeating her offense.

That’s from CNN. Uh, ok, Squeaks.

Fromme had been incarcerated at a prison in Texas and was reportedly released on August 16 to wreak havoc on the populace. She was supposed to have been let out last year but she got some extra time tacked on for escaping from prison in 1987 when she heard Charlie was ill. She was found only a few miles from the prison. Guess law enforcement gets over that sort of thing, eventually.

Is it bad that I want her to come and stay with us? I’m sure she’ll just end up working at a Panera in San Pueblo. She will have a graying ponytail under her cap, and clean off the tables with a wistful look outside…thinking of what might have been if they had been allowed to live their dreams. Which would have amounted to everyone dying in a race war, and the Apocalypse happening and people living in a hole in the desert, and guess what? “Helter Skelter” was a song about British playground equipment, you stupid bitches! Hippies are so dumb.

"Does this robe make me look crazy?" You should chucked the deuces, Squeak!

p.s. Squeaky also gets props for her story about how she initially met Manson. She claims that she had been tossed out of her home in Redondo Beach, California and was crying on the curb when Shorty McStabYa sauntered over. He is supposed to have introduced himself to her as “The God of Fuck.” They did, and history followed.

p.p.s. Squeaky also gets props for telling the cops when she was arrested in Death Valley that Charlie had her blowing dogs as a symbol of her devotion. Now THAT’S a harem wife!

p.p.p.s. This is AMAZING footage from Lawrence Merrick’s 1973 documentary Manson, which reaches you about total outlaw shack, butch cut girls 60s counterculture gun glamour. Look at these gorgeous creatures in their revolutionary lunacy. Special attention must be made to Squeaky talking about her big gun as if it was her lover. Well, Charlie WAS in jail. Merrick, who was able to get stellar interview footage of perhaps the nuttiest tribe of people up til’ the Jacksons, was later gunned down and the murder was never solved. Yeah, it was probably a good idea to avoid this people around that time. Now they’re all old and can’t actually lift butcher knives or firearms without using some form of mechanical attachment on their Hoverround chairs.

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Cougar Women Drop It Low For Police

August 3, 2009

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I nicked this bit from Crunk & Disorderly. Because I was taken aback by how toothless mama and her cronies busted out with such skills for the law enforcement officer. I know this whole thing is some staged bullshit, but I just love the part where the lady in the backseat explains how to either A) come with it at the club or B) ride the D. God bless us and save us all. Also, I applaud the driver’s fearlessness when it comes to her lack of teeth. Oh, there’s a television camera? Fuck that, I’m gonna get mine! Time to shine! Let me wax these gums for the flashing lights!

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