US Airways Flight I Don’t Have My Old Boarding Pass In Front Of Me To Indianapolis
Tarmac, Logan, Approximately 1:15 PM
There is a middle-aged bordering on elderly couple sitting two rows behind me.
There is a shrieking toddler behind them.
The husband begins to grumble.
Husband (turned around and looking back over his seat at the child’s guardian): You’re going to have to do something about that.
Guardian: (murmurs something I don’t catch)
Toddler: AAAIEEEEEEHHHHHHHHH! AAAAOOWWWWWWWW! MMMMMMOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW! RRRRRRRAAAAARRR!
Husband: HE IS KICKING MY CHAIR! HE PULLED MY WIFE’S HAIR!
Toddler: AAAIEEEEHHH!! STOP STABBING ME, PLANE GHOST! IS THAT BLOOD COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? MY SCREAMS ARE LEGEND!
Husband (to the female flight attendant currently helping a couple in the row across from me stow their bullshit-sized carry-ons, seriously, just fucking check it, you’re ruining everything by trying to store the Ark of the fucking Covenant in the overhead bin): Miss? MISS? We need help here!
Entire plane (to themselves, some excited and others dreading what’s to come): Oh, it’s on now…
The flight attendant is early 40s, pleasant-looking but also has that veteran passenger wrangler air about her. This dude is clearly in trouble if he thinks he’s going to tussle with her.
Flight attendant: Yes, sir? How can I help you?
Husband: You NEED to do something about this (I assume he indicated the horror behind him with an indignant thumb). He is KICKING MY CHAIR. And he has PULLED MY WIFE’S HAIR ALREADY! He keeps KICKING MY CHAIR.
Oddly, it bothers me somewhat that he keeps referring to his seat as a “chair”. That’s not a chair. Stop it.
Flight attendant: Sir, we have a full flight. There are no empty seats. Let me see if I can resolve this, though. Ok?
Toddler: FFFUCCKCCK THISS GUYYYY!!! I AM GOING TO SCCREEAMMMMM!! AAIIEEEEEHH!! MURDER DEATH BODIES BLOOD!!!!
I can hear the attendant talking in a hushed tone with the child’s guardian. The child’s screaming volumes down slightly. The attendant makes her way back up the aisle to the front of the plane. The child’s screaming ratchets up to maximum volume. Shifty kid.
Husband. Great. GREAT. Can you believe this?
We can believe it. The entire plane hates you and that kid. It would be a toss-up as to which of you we would jettison if we were allowed. Probably you, because toddlers can be cute.
The flight attendant makes her way down the aisle heading to the back of the plane.
Toddler: AAAIEEEEHHHH!! THIS BITCH CAN’T SHUT ME UP! DREAM ON, ASSHOLE! AAAIIEEEEHHH!!!! WWWHHYYY ISS GOD TORMENTING ME SO THAT I HAVE TO SCREAM THIS LOUD!!!!
Husband (losing it): MISS! MISS! THIS IS ENOUGH! WE PAID A LOT OF MONEY FOR THESE TICKETS AND HE WON’T STOP KICKING MY SEAT AND HE’S PULLED MY WIFE’S HAIR! YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING OR WE’RE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM!
Me: (under my breath) Seriously?
The guy to the left of me: (under his breath) Asshole.
The guy to the right of me: (under his breath) Sky Mall has some cool shit.
Flight attendant (gritting her teeth but keeping it together): Sir, I have already explained to you that this flight is FULL. There is nowhere to move you or your wife to. I’m very sorry. These things happen. Perhaps…
Husband (interrupting her ass): REALLY? REALLY? OK, HOWABOUT YOU SIT HERE AND TAKE THIS AND I’LL WALK UP AND DOWN THE AISLES, DOO TOO DOO!
Yes, the last thing he said was in a sing-songy voice meant to imply that she walked up and down the aisles like she had some brain components missing. The entire plane went silent (except for the kid so maybe they didn’t go silent because jesus, he was loud). I could HEAR her jaw tighten.
Before she could respond (I actually heard an intake of breath because she was going to let him have it), a couple approached her and they conferred.
Flight attendant: Sir, these gracious people have been generous enough to offer to switch seats with you. That’s all I can do for you. Hurry now.
Husband: Fine. Fine. You know, I like kids. I don’t hate kids. We have grandchildren. It’s just that he was pulling my…
Flight attendant (over it and talking down to him so blatantly that I’m waiting for him to accuse her of pulling his wife’s hair): Hurry! Hurry now! Hurry up! We’re waiting to taxi because of this. Please hurry!
Toddler: III’MMM SSTTTILLL SCREAMING, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!! FLECKS OF BLOOD FROM MY VOCAL CHORDS ARE SPATTERING ALL OF YOUR HAIR AND MAGAZINES!!!!!
The kid stopped crying the very second we left the runway, and remained quiet until we touched down. At which point he began screaming again. *end scene*