Archive for the ‘Get the Lord on board’ Category

Overheard On A Flight To Indianapolis….

September 22, 2013

Grumpy

US Airways Flight I Don’t Have My Old Boarding Pass In Front Of Me To Indianapolis
Tarmac, Logan, Approximately 1:15 PM

There is a middle-aged bordering on elderly couple sitting two rows behind me.

There is a shrieking toddler behind them.

The husband begins to grumble.

Husband (turned around and looking back over his seat at the child’s guardian): You’re going to have to do something about that.

Guardian: (murmurs something I don’t catch)

Toddler: AAAIEEEEEEHHHHHHHHH! AAAAOOWWWWWWWW! MMMMMMOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW! RRRRRRRAAAAARRR!

Husband: HE IS KICKING MY CHAIR! HE PULLED MY WIFE’S HAIR!

Guardian: (silence)

Toddler: AAAIEEEEHHH!! STOP STABBING ME, PLANE GHOST! IS THAT BLOOD COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? MY SCREAMS ARE LEGEND!

Husband (to the female flight attendant currently helping a couple in the row across from me stow their bullshit-sized carry-ons, seriously, just fucking check it, you’re ruining everything by trying to store the Ark of the fucking Covenant in the overhead bin): Miss? MISS? We need help here!

Entire plane  (to themselvessome excited and others dreading what’s to come): Oh, it’s on now…

The flight attendant is early 40s, pleasant-looking but also has that veteran passenger wrangler air about her. This dude is clearly in trouble if he thinks he’s going to tussle with her.

Flight attendant: Yes, sir? How can I help you?

Husband: You NEED to do something about this (I assume he indicated the horror behind him with an indignant thumb). He is KICKING MY CHAIR. And he has PULLED MY WIFE’S HAIR ALREADY! He keeps KICKING MY CHAIR.

Oddly, it bothers me somewhat that he keeps referring to his seat as a “chair”. That’s not a chair. Stop it.

Flight attendant: Sir, we have a full flight. There are no empty seats. Let me see if I can resolve this, though. Ok?

Husband: *harumph*

Toddler: FFFUCCKCCK THISS GUYYYY!!! I AM GOING TO SCCREEAMMMMM!! AAIIEEEEEHH!! MURDER DEATH BODIES BLOOD!!!!

I can hear the attendant talking in a hushed tone with the child’s guardian. The child’s screaming volumes down slightly. The attendant makes her way back up the aisle to the front of the plane. The child’s screaming ratchets up to maximum volume. Shifty kid.

Husband. Great. GREAT. Can you believe this?

We can believe it. The entire plane hates you and that kid. It would be a toss-up as to which of you we would jettison if we were allowed. Probably you, because toddlers can be cute.

The flight attendant makes her way down the aisle heading to the back of the plane.

Toddler: AAAIEEEEHHHH!! THIS BITCH CAN’T SHUT ME UP! DREAM ON, ASSHOLE! AAAIIEEEEHHH!!!! WWWHHYYY ISS GOD TORMENTING ME SO THAT I HAVE TO SCREAM THIS LOUD!!!!

Husband (losing it): MISS! MISS! THIS IS ENOUGH! WE PAID A LOT OF MONEY FOR THESE TICKETS AND HE WON’T STOP KICKING MY SEAT AND HE’S PULLED MY WIFE’S HAIR! YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING OR WE’RE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM!

Me: (under my breath) Seriously?

The guy to the left of me: (under his breath) Asshole.

The guy to the right of me: (under his breath) Sky Mall has some cool shit.

Flight attendant (gritting her teeth but keeping it together): Sir, I have already explained to you that this flight is FULL. There is nowhere to move you or your wife to. I’m very sorry. These things happen. Perhaps…

Husband (interrupting her ass): REALLY? REALLY? OK, HOWABOUT YOU SIT HERE AND TAKE THIS AND I’LL WALK UP AND DOWN THE AISLES, DOO TOO DOO!

Yes, the last thing he said was in a sing-songy voice meant to imply that she walked up and down the aisles like she had some brain components missing. The entire plane went silent (except for the kid so maybe they didn’t go silent because jesus, he was loud). I could HEAR her jaw tighten.

Before she could respond (I actually heard an intake of breath because she was going to let him have it), a couple approached her and they conferred.

Flight attendant: Sir, these gracious people have been generous enough to offer to switch seats with you. That’s all I can do for you. Hurry now.

Husband: Fine. Fine. You know, I like kids. I don’t hate kids. We have grandchildren. It’s just that he was pulling my…

Flight attendant (over it and talking down to him so blatantly that I’m waiting for him to accuse her of pulling his wife’s hair): Hurry! Hurry now! Hurry up! We’re waiting to taxi because of this. Please hurry!

Toddler: III’MMM SSTTTILLL SCREAMING, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!! FLECKS OF BLOOD FROM MY VOCAL CHORDS ARE SPATTERING ALL OF YOUR HAIR AND MAGAZINES!!!!!

The kid stopped crying the very second we left the runway, and remained quiet until we touched down. At which point he began screaming again. *end scene*

Either Dave Chappelle Still Hasn’t Got His Sanity Back, Or He Fails To Realize Meta-Comedy Doesn’t Fly On Airplanes

July 5, 2010
Considering the subject of this story, Google Images was pretty on point when it supplied me with this image for "Dave Chappelle crazy."

Considering the subject of this story, Google Images was pretty on point when it supplied me with this image for "Dave Chappelle crazy."

When I first read this story, I was wondering if there were some cameras hidden somewhere and Dave Chappelle was just trying to engineer some sort of “funny” incident on a plane to show to an audience later…as in “Crazy Celebrity Interferes With Flight Because He Couldn’t Find The Bathroom And Gets Mistaken For A Terrorist” or “Crazy Celebrity Decides To Do Stand-Up Routine In Cockpit To Amuse Pilots And Hilarity Ensues.”  But, no, it sounds like he’s still completely crackers.  Bitch is lucky he didn’t get his ass clubbed by a flight attendant with a fire extinguisher!

TMZ says that former comedic superstar Dave Chappelle was responsible for causing a private jet bound for Ohio to instead land in Pittsburgh Friday night when Rick James was found to be a safety risk. “I’m here to crash your plane, bitch!”

During the flight, we’re told Dave “freaked out” and refused to put his seat belt on. Then — according to sources — Dave repeatedly walked into the cockpit, asking how much longer the flight would be, and started grabbing the pilot’s arms.

And the pilot merely landed? If this was a civilian, he would have ended up hogtied with seat belts, with one fashioned into a noose around his throat, and the aforementioned fire-extinguisher wielding flight attendant would have upgraded to running the drink cart over his damn head. Grabbed the pilot’s arm? Capt. Friendly had every right to pull out a piece and stick it in Dave’s nostril at that point!

Oh, and it gets weirder. Dave’s rep claims that this was all caused because Dave ate something that disagreed with him and didn’t find the bathroom on the jet to be adequate for what he had to do. I’m not one for bathroom humor (I’m a lady) but damn, what did you eat that was causing you to take down a plane to find a sturdier bathroom?

A rep for Chappelle explains the incident to TMZ by saying Dave really needed to use the restroom — he ate something that didn’t sit well — and the bathroom on the plane was “not the kind he needed.”

Uh, ok. Chappelle reportedly checked into a Pittsburgh hotel that evening and was then said to have been looking for a car to drive to his home in Ohio. Except that he was said to admit that he didn’t know where he lived. Ok, well it’s time to stop smoking crack out of lightbulbs and get your shit together. Because your show was really funny and you were a major talent and now your time is spent trying to find…lead-lined bathrooms to smoke your stuff in?

Don’t you fucking make me regret watching that Mad Real World skit with the white guy with all the hard ghetto roommates seven THOUSAND TIMES because I laughed so hard when Tron mentioned that “Katie’s ‘s got some big-ass titties, man!” Oh my god, and we laughed.

2005 was not a good year for Dave when he went insane and ended that show and went to South Africa.  Make this your ringtone like I did. This is what the Harvey boys say to each other when we meet up.

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Someone Hold Me…(The Trailer For Trash Humpers)

June 16, 2010

Can we just go see Despicable Me, Mommy?

Can we just go see Despicable Me, Mommy?

Ok, so awhile back I was home on a hungover Saturday afternoon and saw this film Gummo listed on On Demand and noted it was by Harmony Korine, the dude who wrote Kids for Larry Clark. So I watched it. And oh my lord. It was this ramshackle, rough-looking non-linear piece which followed around a bunch of redneck BMX kids with FUCKED UP hair in what looked like the 80s after a hurricane hit their town. And they spent the whole movie torturing cats, and riding around on their bikes and visiting hookers with Down’s Syndrome. And then there’s other even creepier characters interspersed (like the guy pimping out his mentally challenged sister) and then Chloe Sevigny has electrical tape on her nipples and a bad dye job but doesn’t she always? It was totally heart-warming and I think Sandra Bullock was supposed to star (she would have played the cat) but she pulled out.

Anyway, it made me uneasy inside, which is why I think Korine makes movies. There’s little to no plot to his films, they just kinda meander and show you things that aren’t pretty but that’s kind of a blessing in our Blu-Ray HD Michael Bay and James Cameron extremely crisp Avatar world. Korine’s films tend to look like a VHS tape. Then again VHS these days screams snuff film to me.What does it mean when old school signifies evil?

Speaking of evil, I saw this trailer to his latest movie called (wait for it…) Trash Humpers. Which is about a “loser-gang cult-freak collective” that…well, read the title. Help me.

Holy shite. In the wikipedia entry for the film, Korine is quoted as saying that he planned to just leave the cassette the film is on just lying on a sidewalk somewhere for someone to find(!!!) instead of releasing it traditionally. Isn’t that when the FBI would have gotten involved? The one shot of the guy energetically porking the dumpster is going to stay with me for the rest of my life. Something about the film quality, and the old school electronic font, and the creepy old people masks makes me want to watch The Little Mermaid immediately.

When you were a kid (this might be more true for guys), was there an older kid in the neighborhood who was kinda sketchy and shouldn’t have been hanging out with younger kids and he would get you alone and show you things like the dead rat he was saving in his backyard under an abandoned rowboat, or his daddy’s gun collection? And then one day he showed you naked pics of his grandma or his parent’s sex toy that he found? That’s what this trailer made me feel like. Ugh.

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Lindsay Lohan’s Booze Monitoring Anklet Went Drinkin’

June 9, 2010
Oh my god, you guys, I think my bracelet's totally drunk...

Oh my god, you guys, I think my bracelet's totally drunk...

A judge issued an arrest warrant for Lindsay Lohan yesterday since she was supposed to stay off the booze as part of her bail agreement for drunk driving charge #11,300.

Why the warrant? Well, her SCRAM bracelet reportedly went off after Lohan’s appearance in glittery jumpsuit at the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday night. It didn’t just go off. The thing drank all the liquor in Mom and Dad’s cabinet, puked in the begonias and took off with the car, crashing into a Dairy Mart and narrowly avoiding killing a Hostess display.

Most of us who are locked into a court-ordered alcohol-detecting jewelry piece are probably going to AVOID DRINKING ALCOHOL. You know, cuz’ of prison. But Lindsay Lohan decided “hey, I’m at an awards show…why does Katy Perry get to drink…fuck this…IMA DRINK!” *sigh*

Granted, who the hell could remain sober at the MTV Movie Awards? Kristen Stewart‘s mean muggin’ would drive anyone to hunker down with the nearest gas can of grain alcohol.

E! reports that the arrest warrant was called off when a bail bondsman put up $20,000 so that Lohan could remain a free boozebag. Btw, her bail was initially $10,000 but it got doubled on account of her being a fucking idiot.

The rolling wreck of a young actress(?) reportedly Tweeted that she had done nothing wrong. “Who do you believe, oshifer, me or some friggin’ *urp* techno-computer thing which is stiflin’ my career and my art? *hic* IT DOESN’T EVEN COME IN PINK! *drunken sob*”

Can she just pull it together and become a realtor at this point? There’s like two roads here…Eventual Overdose and Death St. or Sad Obscurity Ave. Oh sweetie, pick the one where you live! Buy a house there. Replant those begonias. LIVE!

Because if not, some greedy asshole is going to be sellin’ pics of you on a respirator. It happens.

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Lindsay Lohan Claims She’s Broken Up With Drugs

February 23, 2010

In some kind of performance art comedy piece, Lindsay Lohan gave an interview to Britain’s The Sun tabloid in which the favorite of drug dealers everywhere claims she’s given her last rugmunch for the coke residue at the bottom of someone’s  purse. Hee. Illegally obtained prescription bottles of pills everywhere just rolled their little plastic eyes!

“When my father was going public, that’s when I hit rock bottom. I abused substances too much and it wasn’t the answer to my problems. People need to know that. I tried to mask my problems with alcohol, cocaine and mind-altering substances. Now I’m in a place where I don’t need to use anything and I can feel emotions because I choose to. I learnt from my mistakes and I’m now healthy and happier. I never want to be close to losing everything I worked for and aspired to have my whole life,” she says. Emotions like “berserk drug-fueled rage” and  that feeling you get when you just want to rip off your top and fling yourself through your ex-girlfriend’s picture window.

Besides blaming her asshole father Michael Lohan for her hot drug probs, the actress(?, what DOES she do nowadays, god, Mean Girls was so good) Lohan says that she was just working way too hard, you guys.

“There was a point when I didn’t know how to say ‘No’ and I was trying to please everyone. I was doing pop and making films. I was young and thought I could go out, have fun, then go on set and record. I ran myself down and I lost track of who I was.”

But never fear, now she just opts to get her drink on because she has it all under control. If I didn’t think the conversation would be me, me, me, and she would try to steal my wallet like the hooker in Vegas, I might wanna party with her. She’s probably a good time if you leave before she starts trying to snort the potpourri.

“I’m allowed to drink now but I know my limits. There are certain situations where I have obligations. There’s no reason to (drink) because I don’t want to feel like s*** in the morning. I’ve now learned my boundaries and I’ve been very good with cleaning house with people who I know didn’t have my best intentions at heart. A lot of people in LA are very self destructive. Partying so hard simply isn’t worth it. Life is worth living and there is so much to do and experience, it’s wonderful,” she said with a straight face.

This totally sounds like the interview Patsy Stone envisioned giving to Hello! magazine on Ab Fab before she had the acid peel. You know, where the picture is of her wearing workout gear and holding a bottle of Perrier. Fastforward to 5:58. Or hell, watch the whole thing. It’s that good.

Vodpod videos no longer available.
more about “Absolutely Fabulous – Hospital 3/3“, posted with vodpod

Lohan also adds that she wants to help other people with their drug problems. By relieving them of their drugs and doing them herself. She’s all about sacrificing for others. She’s kind of like Jesus. If Jesus was a trashy, self-involved, highly delusional cocaine addict.

What? WHAT?!?

February 18, 2010

By the looks of things, this one has kids. You can just tell by the tired ponytail AND THE “DICKEATER” GAME JERSEY. In twelve years, there’s going to be a whirly-eyed little purse snatcher cooking something up in a spoon and laughing with his “I just needed the money, it was only one time”-talking sister about “Ma’s ‘Dick Eater’ shirt.”

As noted, this is from People of Wal-Mart. It was so appalling that I had to comment. I’m more of a Tarjhay lad myself, but it’s always good to see what’s happening across town. Apparently what’s happening is that dignity is a foreign land. Unless this is Photoshopped, and my hat’s off to you if so.

This also reminds me of something that happened in those halcyon days when I eschewed higher learning for a life less ordinary – namely working shitty jobs and trying to achieve coma status through drinking and pills. I worked at an auto auction and Monday was the big auction day when we would hire temps to assist in the office while we tried to get titles off of incredibly shifty sellers who would trade in cars with fresh hemoglobin stains in their trunks. One of these temporary ladies, we’ll call her Rosario, was very friendly and perky and quick to lend a hand. Her grasp of English wasn’t that great (she still sounded more intelligible than Penelope Cruz) but she got along. She also gave one of the most nonsensical, yet greatest responses to a coworker’s problem that I have ever heard.

Coworker 1 is complaining of chest pains and rubbing her breastbone. She is standing beside the mammoth copier while Rosario is loading paper into it and I am probably avoiding work and just hanging around being a nuisance.

Coworker 1: Ow, my chest hurts. Like in the bone.

Me: You ok? Indigestion?

Coworker 1: No, it’s in the muscle or something…

Me: Oh, that’s weird, maybe you’re getting a cold…(ed. note – cause I’m a doctor…)

Rosario looks up at this point.

Coworker 1: Do you ever get chest pains like that, Rosario?

Rosario (cheerfully): Oh, no! All I ever do is suck dick!

Yeah, I don’t know either, but she totally won that day.

Status Update: World/Society

October 19, 2009

balloon boythriller0430_jon_gosselin_tlc_00

Now are the days in which parents hoax the potential death of their child to get themselves a reality show (turn on your tv – that wayward balloon might be carrying a vomiting child!). Where a pop star dies and his pre-death spectral plastic surgery and drug addicted carcass visage staggering around during rehearsal gets released to theaters (Joe Jackson, get that cash!)These are the days where snarly women who have born too many piglets hash out their bitter divorces from Ed Hardy-swathed whiny dumbass fuckstick husbands all over my screen vee!

They couldn’t have come sooner. Society’s been crumbling for the longest time. We might as well enjoy the show, right? If you have a problem, just turn off your TV and your many electronic devices and go look at a tree or the ocean.

The Boyfriend and I decided that if we get engaged anytime soon, we’re getting married on Dec. 21, 2012. Right, we’re thinking getting married on the day the world is supposed to end. That’s right, put us at the alter while John Cusack tugs his children through our ceremony to get to safety somehow. I feel that we’re going to have to have six year old children floating around in escaped weather balloons during the ceremony. Fuck doves.

I knew I needed to blog today, and I was perusing the world and this is what I was feeling.

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Bijou Phillips Is Making Some Sense, I Think I’ll At Least Allow Some Mama Cass Songs Back In My iTunes

September 25, 2009

phillips-395x298-famoussistersgallery

So I’m fascinated/skeeved when relatively famous people vomit forth a big ole’ scandal like incest…so I’ve been following this Mackenzie Phillips ruckus closely. Mackenzie’s half-sister Bijou released a statement to Oprah in which she doesn’t actually agree with Mac but is a little less “shut up, delusional junkie bitch” than Michelle Phillips was.

“When I was 13, Mackenzie told me that she had a consensual sexual relationship with our father. This news was confusing and scary, as I lived alone with my father since I was 3. I didn’t know what to believe, and it didn’t help that shortly there after Mackenzie told me it didn’t happen. Mackenzie’s history with our father is hers, but also clouded with 30 years of drug abuse. I hope she can come to terms with this and find peace. The life I had with my father was very different. He was Mr. Mom, encouraging and loving. The man that raised me would never be capable of doing such things, and if he was, it is heartbreaking to me to think that my family would leave me alone with him. I understand Mackenzie’s need to come clean with a history she feels will help others, but it’s devastating to have the world watch as we try and mend broken fences, especially when the man in question isn’t here to defend himself.”

She has her points. And here I thought she was kinda flighty-seeming. By the way, Bijou flew to Mackenzie’s rescue when she got pinched at LAX with coke and heroin last year. So they’re close. You know who your friends are if they roll up with your bail money. Mackenzie went on Oprah (again) today and answered Bijou’s questions.

Mackenzie Phillips told Winfrey that her family’s disbelief and anger saddened her, especially since she and Bijou Phillips have been very close. Phillips recalled the way Bijou immediately came to her aid when she was arrested last year for cocaine and heroin possession.

“I love my baby sister, and I miss having contact with her,” Mackenzie said.

“By the time Bijou was living with my father, I felt she was safe. I did take her out of there if I felt like she wasn’t being watched properly,” she said in her defense.

God, this story seriously has me wishing for childhood items like my binky, my blanket, and my Barbie doll. These bitches could have afforded an in-house therapist and shit. Was there anyone on watch who could have said something to someone? They need to go have some sort of service at dude’s grave and hash it out Steel Magnolias screaming at the graveyard-style. Then maybe go for a cocktail. Well, Mackenzie might wanna have a Shirley Temple….

Oh, and I have to add this despite being pretty much an atheist. Chynna Phillips has hitched her star to Mackenzie’s wagon and has been publicly supporting her (she has an album coming out…not with Wilson Phillips, which is a damn shame). Anyway, Chynna has urged Mackenzie to deal with her problems by getting “the Lord on board.” HAH! I love that one!

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