Archive for the ‘Guys can be so fucking stupid.’ Category

Overheard: Wollaston MBTA Station 6:45 PM (FIGHT!)

August 1, 2012

“DUDE FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK DUDE!”

“FUCK FUCK FUCK DUDE FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!”

“DUDE DUDE DUDE DUDE FUCK FUCK FUCK!”

That’s how their conversation initially sounded to the person unschooled in “young douchebag.” Eventually I and the other spectators who were just trying to mind our individual business while waiting for our rides were able to figure out that someone gave someone a dirty look. A girlfriend might have been involved? Pinhead #1 was white and short. Pinhead #2 was perhaps Filipino(?) and short. I say “Filipino” because he had brown skin and Asian features. I am a close-to-middle aged white woman and I have next to no clue how to discern between certain ethnicities. White people in America are clueless. There’s guilt about it. To be frank, there’s not so much “guilt” as there is “fear of being found out as ignorant.” Yes, I worry about these things.

Pinheads #1 and #2 did a lot of literal chest thumping, I noticed Pinhead #2 still had one earbud in. Was he being coached? It’s like Cyrano De Roxanne!I need to completely remove my ear buds when I speak to people, and when I order at Dunkies so I am sure to SCREAM at the counter person without meaning to.

The threats and dialogue got increasingly more amusing. It was confirmed by the smirks and chuckles of the two other young men trying to separate them.

“Dude, you wanna fucking go? You wanna fucking go?”

“I’ll fucking slap you, man.”

“You’re gonna stab me? YOU’RE GONNA STAB ME, MOTHERFUCKER?!?!”

I’ve never seen someone get so enraged by thinking someone threatened to stab them. Most people would just run, or find a brick, or call a cop. Pinhead #1 began clawing at the neck of his t-shirt, and flexing his (sub-standard) muscles. It reminded me faintly of Randy “Macho Man” Savage, a former WWF (that’s what they called it back then) wrestler whom I used to watch as a child and thrill to his weird speech intonations when I wasn’t staring at spandexed man ass and pretending to care about champion belt match outcomes.

There’s more –

(more…)

Overheard/Witnessed: MBTA Car, Inbound, Ashmont to Alewife, 8:15 AM

September 21, 2010

I could have forgiven the whole thing if they were wearing this...

This one was actually pretty short but it bears writing about.

Dramatis Personae:

The Dancer. Youth, early 20s. White sweatshirt, designer jeans, black plastic sneakers. Braids.

In The Moment. Youth, early 20s. Black hoodie. What looks like harpoons in his face.

The Dancer boards, holding on the pole to the left of me. He has ear buds in, and it is loud enough to hear the hip-hop joint that he begins DANCING to. Not crazy-ass dancing (I once saw a girl in NYC do a pole dance to the music only she could hear on her iPod, it’s one of my favorite NYC moments) but there is some bobbing, some ass action, and some challenging an imaginary adversary to a dance-off on the floor. Except we’re on an inbound MBTA car, son. Oh, and did I say the adversary was imaginary? Not anymore!

In The Moment boards. He looks like he has seen the other side and it’s not exactly halcyon up in there. His handheld device is BLARING some kind of combination nu-metal/rap concoction. Worse than say Linkin Park or Korn (is that possible?). He is without ear buds, he is just LISTENING to his phone play shitty music. And making the rest of us do the same. My morning trip to Venice (I finally got around to reading The City of Falling Angels by John Berendt) has been ruined. The city has already been sunk for me.

The Dancer (still dancing) dances to the other side of the car, directly opposite In The Moment. Their eyes lock. It’s a spaghetti western. Correction, it’s an asshole western. In The Moment closes his eyes tightly, brings the handheld device (still blaring “You Thought Metal Was Bad But We Added Shitty Rapping To It” by Suck) to his chin and freezes. He is In The Moment. He is lost in shredding guitar riffs and bellowing. The Dancer begins to bump his ass against the doors directly behind him, angry that In The Moment has chosen passive resistance. He wants to throw down, but what he doesn’t get is that In The Moment IS throwing down. Because this music is SO good he simply has to FEEL it. The Dancer puffs his chest out and club steps in place.

Is this the shitty remake of Fame? Is this a fucking Droid commercial? Can they tie their wrists together and knife fight and do us all a favor and hit the right artery at exactly the same moment? At least Scott Pilgrim had cool effects during this scene and Allison Pill on drums!

This is not your performing arts high school! It’s really loud on this fucking train now! This is not the dorm or your living room. People have books and ear buds for a reason so everyone can keep whatever they’re into to their goddamn selves. This is Boston. People’s lives shouldn’t get splashed all over each other! No one wants this. This is not a rebellion, these are challenged people!

Anyway – no one won. In fact, I think we all lost a little this morning.

The only way I can forgive audible music on the subway is if it’s coming out of a boom box that lights up and it’s 1983 and someone’s named Lazer.

John Travolta’s Been Outed For The 3 Millionth Time

September 2, 2010

Mwah!

A lot of times as a gay man who also writes about celebrities, I’m often asked about who in Hollywood is downlow dicking the pool boy. And I always respond with “Tom Cruise” (obvi, even those feral children who were locked in a room for the first seventeen years and unable to learn languages know that Tom Cruise likes to be slapped in the face with peen) and “John Travolta.” And people FREAK when I say Johnny Trav. Like, get incensed at me. Yeah, John Travolta is the GAYEST gay in Hollywood. Everyone knows he’s gay. The wife knows he’s gay, too. There are numerous stories about him rolling up on dudes in the steam room, he’s been photographed kissing his boyfriend at the time goodbye (and this ain’t Italy) on a runway, and he obviously doesn’t give a shit. Who cares? But a lot of people are way into Grease (I’m a Grease 2-er myself, COOOOOL RIDAH!) and they don’t want me to hammer their dreams of Johnny Trav as pompadour musicality toughness into tiny bits. Too bad. Dude’s GAY.

Anyway, there’s a new book coming out in which some dude who Travolta tried to back that ass up on outs him and claims that he’s part of (oh god, this is awesome) the “underground secret world of celebrity gay spa sex.” HAHAHAHAHHA. More on that later. Robert Randolph tells The National Enquirer how this all went down.

“I met John in 1998, after he had married Kelly. I believe the marriage is a total fraud because John is totally into guys and has been having sex with them behind Kelly’s back for years. He came on to me a number of times. I always turned him down. But there was always some guy who was willing to have sex with him. And John didn’t stop cheating on Kelly after either of their children was born. John’s a cheating dog. It’s just been wrong, because his wife seems like such a sweet woman.”

Homo. Who is this a revelation for besides your mom? Believe me, Kelly cries into her pillowcase stuffed with diamonds and her tears glisten elegantly on the sculpted chest of her “personal trainer.”

My major delight in this story is that this dude is trying to make the “underground secret world of celebrity gay spa sex” sound like an insidious subculture. Like it’s a fetish! People, gay dudes have been fucking in your gyms for, like, centuries. I can assure you that your gym has at least a couple of gay guys doing blow (and I don’t mean cocainya) in the steam room or the locker room. It’s a time-honored tradition. Men are pigs, and gay men are worse. There are gays who go to the gym and consider finding dick their damn workout. Trust. That shifty guy at the gym who you never actually see doing anything besides entering the locker room? Notice how his ass has never even been within two feet of the elliptical? Yeah, lookin’ for peen. You do not need 48 Hours for this shit, Robert Randolph.

I’m Totally Pissed At David Boreanaz

July 23, 2010

I assume this was taken before he shot on her in the Mini-Cooper.

Listen to me. Joss Whedon shows are the nearest and dearest to my heart. It feels like yesterday that I was watching and streaming salty tears at Buffy having to shank Angel so that Acathla wouldn’t swallow the world (you are a complete and total geek if you understand what I’m typing). Actually it was yesterday, right before I had to sell my Buffy box set for food and Percocet. What I am trying to say is, if you are part of the Joss Whedon company of actors – you keep your sexual crazy on LOCKDOWN. He is trying to get The Avengers together, you don’t embarrass him this way! David Boreanaz (aka Angel) is being sued by a Bones extra for sexual harrassment. And she’s claiming he did some JACKED-UP shite. And say hey and by the way, Boreanaz publicly confessed to effing around on his wife Jaime Bergman back in May

Actress Kristina Hagen (the woman with my hairline who is NOT Angel’s wife in the picture above) claims that it all began on the set of Bones last August when David began sexting her ass. Then shit got REAL according to her suit, via TMZ.

The suit also claims David was driving with Kristina in September, 2009 and told her he was “the boss” and that he could “make things happen for her.”

The suit claims David then parked his car, and “attempted to kiss her and touch her breasts but she pushed him away.” The suit then alleges Boreanaz “unzipped his pants, pulled out his penis and began stroking it until he ejaculated.”

She stayed for the denoument?!? “Yeah, I gotta go, there’s some Turtle Wax interior wipes in the glovie if you get any on the dash.” Did he threaten to kill her if she told? Didn’t Jackie Earle Hailey pull (literally) that shit in the best scene in Little Children in front of the chick from Hung? Great movie. Anyway – Cordelia, Fred and Lorne are giving Angelcakes the side-eye for this!

The suit goes on to say that David also “grabbed, kissed, and fondled her — and then masturbated in front of her” in his trailer that September. Angel’s camp (basically Harmony with a briefcase…MORE GEEK REFERENCES) denies Hagen’s claim.

“The allegations concerning any alleged inappropriate conduct by David Boreanaz are totally fabricated and absurd. There is no validity to this lawsuit.”

What in hell is going on in TV Land lately? Is Caligula an executive producer at Fox?

Uncle Jessie (Allegedly) Tapped The Wrong Underaged Ass

July 13, 2010

Run your underage fingers through this silkiness, baby...

I never had the fascination for Full House that others (I see you, Bill Cosby) did. Though I was sorta into the mannish face on Kimmy Gibler. When she was legal! But I’ll tell you now, “Kokomo” will be summoning visions of underage jailbait in hot tubs and soft, bushy-mulleted celebrities with cocaine nosejobs from now on. That really makes the song so much better for me. Anyway, the Associated Press is sayin’ that John Stamos has been the victim of a blackmail plot. Wait til’ you hear what Uncle Jessie was supposedly up in, and it wasn’t Lori Loughlin (though it sounds like the Olsen twins may not have been safe…)

A Marquette, Michigan woman named Allison Coss is claiming she had a sexy (gross) fling with the actor during a spring break trip to Florida in 2004. When she was 17. HI-YOOOOO! And it wasn’t just a journey of romance through the bar area and ending up at a tastefully decorated hotel room provided by the American Broadcasting Corporation. We had hookas, strippahs, cocainya, and herp germs percolating in the jacuzzi!

(more…)

Here’s Mel Gibson Sounding Enraged And Coked Out Of His Mind

July 12, 2010

[redlasso id=”d135898c-f6f7-4bbb-b5d4-4bc6c46565fb”]

First off, you might want to turn the volume down on this bitch because if you’re at your office, someone might thing you’re being attacked in your cubicle by a crazy with racial issues. Or if you’re at home, the kids might think Daddy got into some blow and had a life-changer before he got home. Here’s Mel Gibson making a strong case for a muscle relaxant to be administered or a straight jacket to be tried on in a taped phone call to ex Oksana Grigorieva. Radar acquired the tape.

He flips out about her alleged “foreign bodies” (aka breast implants), and tells the mother of his child that she’s a whore and looks like a “bitch on heat” (which makes her sound like she’s on a stove). My favorite part is when he tells her that her clothes are so slutty that he can see her vagina from the back (it’s like x-Ray ‘gina vision)!

And of course he makes his now infamous comment implying that black guys are running around looking for ladies to rape as a group sporting event.

Why do I get the impression this chick was smiling the entire time as she listened to his mania and watched the recorder’s digital time read-out increase?

Mel Gibson Said WHAT?!?!

July 1, 2010

Feel free to pull that trigger, Dan.

Feel free to pull that trigger, Dan.

Sugartits himself didn’t get the message the first time he was caught in a racist-ass meltdown and he’s gone back to the “Fuck, did they get that on tape?” buffet.

The story is that Mel Gibson and his post-divorce impregnated jumpoff , Oksana Grigorieva, are currently embroiled in a restraining order swordfight. And Oksana just jabbed her sword up his ass by providing the court with tapes she recorded of Mel being verbally abusive about the way she dressed. And don’t think he didn’t drop the N-bomb when he thought he was behind closed doors. So black people can now join our Jewish friends in driving by and throwing flaming bags of feces on Mel’s reputation.

Radar says that the following gems are on tape for the divorce court’s delight. Can Oksana just order diamond tiara now or does she have to wait until this is notarized?

“You’re an embarrassment to me. You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault.

“How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so fucking nice.”

“I am going to come and burn the fucking house down… but you will blow me first.”

“Look what you did to me… look what you are… look what every part of you is… fucking fake… fucking fake. You are the most synthetic person… who the fuck are you?”

That first one is nice. Does Danny Glover know that Mel feels that way? Would Danny and his “pack” show up to rehearsal and rub Mel’s racist ass the wrong way on the set of Lethal Weapon 1 – Aught Four or something?

Mel’s done, right? This would be “done?”

And next time I want to get blown, I’ m telling Scotty that I’m setting the apartment on fire. Does that actually work? Anyone?

Chris Brown Had Better Sob!

June 28, 2010
MJ should be looking down at him like "Really? Really, Chris?"

The BET Awards were held last night, and Chris Brown was responsible for the Michael Jackson tribute (he died a year ago around this time). They couldn’t get Usher? At least Usher didn’t punch a lady about the head and shoulders. That we know of. Sure, Usher is an annoying twat but he didn’t try to launch a album on the heels of a domestic abuse charge, either. And Usher can dance! Sorta. He does a lot of kinda sluggish popping and locking and a couple of steps, usually down stairs that light up. Seriously, shoulda gone with Usher.

Oh, and the gist of this post is that Bust-her Brown got all choked up during his tribute and couldn’t finish singing “Man in the Mirror.” I’d get weepy, too, if I had Ike Turnered my girlfriend and everyone found out about it and my career did that thing that dirgible did back in the 1800s when the announcer was screaming and it just BLEW UP and not in a good way. And then had to look in a mirror.

(Sorry, the video is such a suckjob, but BET is being hainty about the rights.)

He was so tearstricken that he reportedly had to be led off the stage by Jermaine Jackson. So the debate is on as to whether he was really touched by an angel known as MJ or staging the emotional flash flood to get the public back on his side. I am one cynical bitch, so I’m going to say he’s crying because of all the bits of green paper that are currently flying out of his windows.

To get over this farce, we need to pray over the outfit Prince wore to the show last night. It will fill you up and put you firmly on the path you need to be on. Because someone needs to wear a spaceship turtleneck with their own likeness emblazoned about it. And his name is Prince. And he is funky.

Girlfriend is lookin' like Malificent and the Grinch had a baby lately...

Girlfriend is lookin' like Malificent and the Grinch had a baby lately...

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to FurlAdd to Newsvine

The Scariest Picture I’ve Ever Seen: Tom Brady’s New Hairpiece

June 15, 2010
Um....

Um....

Do you-? I….not sure. Why would….can someone….? Maybe his wife….

We are NEVER going to win another Superbowl.

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to FurlAdd to Newsvine

Jodie Foster Is NOT The Dyke To Mess With

June 11, 2010

Badass. Hot. Don't bother her at the mall.

Badass. Hot. Don't bother her at the mall.

I want to be the Not The Queen To Mess With. So Jodie Foster was at LA’s The Grove shopping mall with her kid. She goes to the mall with her kids? Can’t she speak French? I don’t associate super-intelligent lesbian actresses who speak French with going to the mall. Can you picture Jodie walking by Claire’s and thinking (she thinks in French because she is hyper-intelligent lesbian actress Jodie Foster) “Merde, ce sont des boucles d’oreilles à bas prix-ass …?”

Anyway, this 17-year-old says that he approached her to get a photo and Jodie ATTACKED HIS ASS! His father filed a police report against Clarice Starling. How dare they? Hey bitches, you saw The Brave One. She still wants her dog back. BANG!

According to the NY Daily News:

According to the police report, Foster came up to the boy, pushed him in the chest and said, “Do you even have a mother, you slime ball?”

It got so bad, says the father, that Foster’s son apologized to the couple after the actress finally stopped berating the teen.

But Jodie’s people say that the kid was actually paparazzi and intruding on her ass.

“This guy was most definitely a professional paparazzo,” says Foster’s camp. “He tailed Jodie all the way from the movie theater to the valet. This guy’s behavior was completely inappropriate, and the police report is a fabrication of what happened.”

Can you picture Jodie’s spokesperson being Shane from The L Word? She just rolls off of Jodie’s honeypot and gets on the phone to huskily tell the press the TRUE story, then she gets back on that. Jodie and Shane would make a fiery hot couple. Jodie, snatch that piece (literally). You’re Hollywood’s biggest power lesbian, you can make your vagine dreams come true. *sigh* I had such a hard-on for Shane.

Take me, Shane.

Take me, Shane.

Note: paparazzi do come in mini nowadays. And about these people. Look, it’s their job and bloggers like me pretty much need them to do our jobs (well, I did back when I was legit). And celebrities know what they’re getting into. But people DO need to practice some restraint and have some respect for people’s personal space. My question is…hasn’t technology progressed enough that you can get a relatively inexpensive camera with an INCREDIBLY POWERFUL ZOOM? Jesus, just fucking go behind the Auntie Anne’s Pretzels stand and take the photo from there. Dummies.

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to FurlAdd to Newsvine