Archive for the ‘Here's To Crime’ Category

Uncle Jessie (Allegedly) Tapped The Wrong Underaged Ass

July 13, 2010

Run your underage fingers through this silkiness, baby...

I never had the fascination for Full House that others (I see you, Bill Cosby) did. Though I was sorta into the mannish face on Kimmy Gibler. When she was legal! But I’ll tell you now, “Kokomo” will be summoning visions of underage jailbait in hot tubs and soft, bushy-mulleted celebrities with cocaine nosejobs from now on. That really makes the song so much better for me. Anyway, the Associated Press is sayin’ that John Stamos has been the victim of a blackmail plot. Wait til’ you hear what Uncle Jessie was supposedly up in, and it wasn’t Lori Loughlin (though it sounds like the Olsen twins may not have been safe…)

A Marquette, Michigan woman named Allison Coss is claiming she had a sexy (gross) fling with the actor during a spring break trip to Florida in 2004. When she was 17. HI-YOOOOO! And it wasn’t just a journey of romance through the bar area and ending up at a tastefully decorated hotel room provided by the American Broadcasting Corporation. We had hookas, strippahs, cocainya, and herp germs percolating in the jacuzzi!

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Jeremy London What? Who?

June 18, 2010

I'm not really a doctor. But I sure as hell am a crack cocaine kidnapping victim.

I'm not really a doctor. But I sure as hell am a crack cocaine kidnapping victim.

I thought Palm Springs was some sort of monied community? Who knew it was a desolate locale, straight out of The Warriors? The Baseball Furies supposedly kidnapped actor Jeremy London, made him smoke the drugs, and then forced him at gunpoint to provide booze to the people in the gangland streets(?) of Palm Springs. Or at least he says. Didn’t we see this shit happen to Dexter on a different TV show?

From Radar:

Sergeant Steve Douglas, from Palm Springs Police Department, told RadarOnline.com the kidnapper forcibly took London — who played Griffin Holbrook on the hit FOX series Party of Five and Chandler Hampton on 7th Heaven — and drove him around in his own vehicle, while terrorizing him at gun point.

The suspect had a small hand gun, police said.

London told the po po that he was trying to change a flat tire outside the Bahama Hotel & Apartments on North Palm Canyon Drive on June 10 (someone celebrated my birthday by kidnapping and terrorizing a druggy actor) when suspect Brandon Adams stopped and offered to help. This “help” reportedly involved driving Jeremy around for five hours in his own car (so they fixed the flat first?), making him smoke crack and having him buy drinks for everyone down in the hood aka “a gang area of Palm Springs,” say the cops. London says he managed to escape around 3 AM.

Again, I am feeling the following was referenced in someone’s head (*cough* Jeremy’s *cough*) before this tomfoolery broke out (warning, this is the sequence that caused a lot of people to quit the show):

Adams was arrested and booked but watch out for the potholes in this story. London has had some issues with drugs in the past, and this sounds like some sort of bitch didn’t pay his bill incident. Having to act on 7th Heaven would make anyone take a lighter to the pipe. I still want to know why they were all white and the youngest daughter was Puerto Rican and there was no sort of adoption storyline. Suspect.

Update –

And whattayaknow? Radar now sez that there’s a bench warrant out for London’s arrest for driving without a license. He was already on probation for a DUI in aught four. “I was forced to smoke crack cocaine, officer.” Hmmph.

If Karma’s Real, This Bitch Is Going To End Up Eaten Alive By Mutant Rats

June 7, 2010

Ok, so earlier today I filled you in on Gary Coleman‘s ex-wife (BUT THEY WERE PLANNING ON RE-MARRYING, GOD I THINK I FEEL A SEIZURE COMING ON, SOMEONE FETCH ME SOME SORT OF OXYGEN DEVICE WITH MASK) taking his unfortunate death on the road to get herself some coin. And now, TMZ is reporting that this bitch might be saving herself a seat on the hell barge right next to your average Al Qaeda member, that Ugandan eat da poo poo guy, and a former manager of mine who shall remain nameless.

Gary Coleman’s ex-wife is the mastermind behind the photos which show the actor in the hospital, bloodied, with tubes sticking out of his body … and there’s also a photo taken after he died. We’re told Shannon Price had a production company shoot the photos. Our sources say Shannon is featured in one of the photos.

It would have been enough if this soulless whore had whipped out her phone or some shit, BUT SHE HIRED A PRODUCTION COMPANY?!? Which means she planned all along to make these photos look as clear and gory as possible to fetch a good sum. Which she did. A tabloid has purchased three of the pictures (even they didn’t want to buy THE POST-MORTEM ONE SHE HAD TAKEN).

I could write more about how cold this trick is, but then I thought to myself…what if this was all planned? Gary had heart issues. Ronald McDrummond said they were having money troubles. Maybe this was his way of making sure she was sorta taken care of for at least a little while after he kicked? Kind of a sad showbiz O. Henry story?

Nah. She’s seriously evil. I wouldn’t stand near her. Nature is bound to take care of this.

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Hide. Now.

August 31, 2009

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This call to sell your things, change your name and run with your children to the mountains is ganked from writer Warren Ellis’ blog.

I choose to believe she is experimenting with fictional impulses via her Facebook status update.

Otherwise – someone is making drugs look bad with all the ritual murder and feces smearing and children eating! Gawd! Jerks.

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VH-1’s Screening Process Totally Sucks

August 24, 2009

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So by now you’ve heard about a Mr. Ryan Jenkins, the supposed “millionaire” who appears in two unaired VH-1 reality grossness events and is said to have brutally murdered and disfigured his model wife Jasmine Fiore before being found dead via suicide in a motel in British Columbia this weekend. Flava Flav wants to know when the love died.

Normally these shows (Flavor of Love, I Love Your Grille, Real Chance At Love, Charm School Girls Want To Fuck A Millionaire…those ones) mainly just feature a lot of booty-tootin’, greasy, lost in the desert-caliber thirsty fame mongrels who fight, bang, yell, throw things, get shittoed, all in the name of like….five bucks and some camera time and maybe an extra DVD screener of Behind the Music: Styx. Nowadays, the contestants are wanted for murder and offing themselves. BACKGROUND CHECKS, PEOPLE!

Jenkins had already filmed spots on I Love Money 3, and Megan Wants A Millionaire. Whoever Megan is, bitch probably already bought a Sheinhardt wig and changed her address when she heard he was on the run. I seriously can only watch these shows on a hangover Sunday and even then, I start to want to oops my cookies and last night’s Mandarin and Soda when I realize the depths that stupid people will sync to for attention. And I am an attention whore, so you know it’s bad if I’m giving the side-eye and wondering if these people had parents who did more than provide the number for poison control.

Jenkins was reportedly irritated that his wife was texting a former boyfriend. They checked into a San Diego motel together on August 13, he left with a suitcase the next morning and reported her missing that Saturday. Which, in a shocking coincidence was the day that Fiore’s body was found in a suitcase in a dumpster in Orange County, CA. Oh, and she was reportedly missing his fingers and teeth. That’s fairly ruthless. Unfortunately, her murderer didn’t count on her breast implants bearing a serial number. See – tit jobs can help to solve your own murder. Everyone should have one.

Anyway, Jenkins went on the lam and was found hanging in a closet at the Thunderbird Motel in British Columbia yesterday. All signs point to him as Fiore’s killer and he wasn’t waiting around for innocent until proven guilty apparently.

Keep reading for more on their relationship and whether or not VH-1 is going to air either of the two shows.

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Squeaky Fromme Is Free!

August 19, 2009

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Now don’t jump the gun. I am not celebrating the eventual release of psychopathic murder accomplices or wannabe presidential assassins. Ritual murder/assassination/wearing red cloaks out in public during the daytimes = BAD. I’m aware.

It was announced last week that Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme was being released from the joint after doing 34 years of hard time for leveling a gun at President Gerald Ford in 1975 in Sacramento, California. I was one!

SF2

Going after the president with an unloaded gun wasn’t the first station that Squeaky baby’s crazy train stopped at. You see, she was the de facto leader of the Manson Family after Charlie and the other girls got pinched for the Tate/LaBianca murders in 1969. Fromme acted as his mouthpiece to the media, relaying everything everyone needed to know about saving the redwoods to prevent being murdered in your bed, carving “x”s into your forehead to show solidarity with your jailed cult leader, and kneeling outside of the courthouse until the end of time or until “our father, aka Jesus Christ, is released.”

I have always had a fascination with the Manson Family and their crimes. I read Helter Skelter when I was a kid and I slept with the lights on for a week straight afterwards. Then I read Ed Sanders’ The Family, which is an even scarier book – detailing all of the stuff that didn’t make it into Helter Skelter. These waifs and burnouts were gathered together by a shabby little ex-con with an iota of charisma and basically ended the peace and free love mindet of the 60s with edged weaponry. That’s a big deal. Plus – home invasion by knife-wielding murderous hippies is terrifying. These hoes would bust out of the desert at night, go on a kill rampage, and adjourn back to the sand the next morning. How scary is that?!?!

This is so her senior picture from the Murder High yearbook...

This is so her senior picture from the Murder High yearbook...

But of all of the mixed-up, murderous weirdos involved – Squeaky holds a special place in my heart. Why? Because she’s crazy, while being essentially non-lethal. You can’t be a spokesmodel for your cause and still keeping painting on the walls with the blood of the people you’re trying to reach. It’s just bad PR.

The Squeaksta WAS involved in some shady shit, don’t get it twisted. She was the chief threatener of snitches (she arranged for the attempted murder by LSD overdose in the hamburger of a former Manson Family member who was set to testify against Charlie’s Angels, no really). She was also briefly associated with the murder of a married couple by members of the Aryan Brotherhood after most of the Family had scattered to the winds. And then there was the day in Sacramento when she rolled up on the pratfall President in a red dress and cap and took out her pistol.

She said she knew Ford was in town and near her, “and I said, ‘I gotta go and talk to him,’ and then I thought, ‘That’s foolish. He’s not going to stop and talk to you.’ People have already shown you can lay blood in front of them and they’re not, you know, they don’t think anything of it. I said, ‘Maybe I’ll take the gun,’ and I thought, ‘I have to do this. This is the time.’ ”

She said it never occurred to her that she could wind up in prison. Asked whether she had any regrets, Fromme said, “No. No, I don’t. I feel it was fate.” However, she said she thought that her incarceration was “unnecessary” and that she couldn’t see herself repeating her offense.

That’s from CNN. Uh, ok, Squeaks.

Fromme had been incarcerated at a prison in Texas and was reportedly released on August 16 to wreak havoc on the populace. She was supposed to have been let out last year but she got some extra time tacked on for escaping from prison in 1987 when she heard Charlie was ill. She was found only a few miles from the prison. Guess law enforcement gets over that sort of thing, eventually.

Is it bad that I want her to come and stay with us? I’m sure she’ll just end up working at a Panera in San Pueblo. She will have a graying ponytail under her cap, and clean off the tables with a wistful look outside…thinking of what might have been if they had been allowed to live their dreams. Which would have amounted to everyone dying in a race war, and the Apocalypse happening and people living in a hole in the desert, and guess what? “Helter Skelter” was a song about British playground equipment, you stupid bitches! Hippies are so dumb.

"Does this robe make me look crazy?" You should chucked the deuces, Squeak!

p.s. Squeaky also gets props for her story about how she initially met Manson. She claims that she had been tossed out of her home in Redondo Beach, California and was crying on the curb when Shorty McStabYa sauntered over. He is supposed to have introduced himself to her as “The God of Fuck.” They did, and history followed.

p.p.s. Squeaky also gets props for telling the cops when she was arrested in Death Valley that Charlie had her blowing dogs as a symbol of her devotion. Now THAT’S a harem wife!

p.p.p.s. This is AMAZING footage from Lawrence Merrick’s 1973 documentary Manson, which reaches you about total outlaw shack, butch cut girls 60s counterculture gun glamour. Look at these gorgeous creatures in their revolutionary lunacy. Special attention must be made to Squeaky talking about her big gun as if it was her lover. Well, Charlie WAS in jail. Merrick, who was able to get stellar interview footage of perhaps the nuttiest tribe of people up til’ the Jacksons, was later gunned down and the murder was never solved. Yeah, it was probably a good idea to avoid this people around that time. Now they’re all old and can’t actually lift butcher knives or firearms without using some form of mechanical attachment on their Hoverround chairs.

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Chris Brown’s Dumbass Apologizes

July 20, 2009

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So Chris Brown issued a video today in which he apologized for beating the stuffing (and just about everything else) out of ex-girlfriend Rihanna in the beginning of this year. Why the apology now? Well, he has a record coming out his lawyer is finally allowing him to talk since he got off with a slap to the wrist.

Here’s the gist. With commentary from me! It’s like you’re watching it with me! Try to be able to hear it over my copious eye-rolling.

“I wish I had the chance to live those few moments again (because they severely messed with my cashflow), but unfortunately I cant… I’m not gonna sit here and make any excuses (that will be in the third paragraph)…. I take great pride in being able to exercise self-control (obviously not, girlfriend had antelope horns due to your little fists!)  and what I did was inexcusable. I’m very sad (that I might lose money over this) and very ashamed about what I’ve done. My mother and my spiritual teachers have taught me way better than that…

I have told Rihanna countless times (she didn’t want her money game jeopardized either so she recorded those calls to use as samples for her comeback from gettin’ hit album, it will go double platinum, trust) and I’m telling you today that I’m truly truly sorry that I wasnt able to handle the situation better (translation: I should have knocked her ass out before she could scream and gotten her to somewhere I could have convinced her not to say anything when she woke the fuck up)….I’ve spent a lot time soul searching (over PS3 while listening to various hangers-on telling me that it was her fault and to lie, lie, lie), and I’m trying to understand what happened and why (you’re an asshole who hits women). No one is more disappointed in me than I am. (that’s doubtful. I liked “Forever.” Now I’m all torn up inside.)

As many of you know, I grew up in a home where there was domestic violence, and I saw first-hand what uncontrolled rage can do (excuses smells like assholes, Chris). I’ve sought help to insure what occurred in February, can never happen again…I promise that (didn’t you say before that you were just meeting with your religious leaders? Howabout some actual therapy, you bitch ass. Why not actually solve the problem as opposed to trying to get in good with whatever imaginary deity you want to thank at the Grammys?)


What I did is unacceptable, 100% . I can only ask and pray that you forgive me, please.

I hope that others learn from my mistake. I intend to live my life so I am truly worthy of the term role model (well, we know you’re good at punching women, so you’re a role model to other dickless people). Thank you.”

I know, right? By the way, rumor has it that this is just the start of the “I’m Sorry” tour in support of his new album. I’ve already had enough. What could make this better? Some dude will roll up on him and break his nose during an appearance. Start your prayer circle now.

chris-brown-ass-kick

p.s. WHAT is that….top(?)…doing? Why is this bitch buying shirts at Fashion Bug?

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LaToya Jackson Wasn’t Playin’

July 16, 2009

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I don’t know who that 80s queen is (I mean the guy) but he is one lucky bitch to be able to crouch near so much beauty. The headband alone. Anyway, remember last weekend when LaToya Jackson claimed that her brother Michael Jackson was a murder victim (if you hadn’t heard, he died)? Well, it appears as though people aren’t doing their usual look up from their coffee, “there, there, Toy Toy”, and then looking away from her looney. TMZ is reporting that Michael’s death is being investigated as a murder. Do you feel this plot? It seems like it’s thickening.

Law enforcement sources tell us the evidence points to the anesthesia Propofol as the primary cause of Jackson’s death. As we first reported, vials of Propofol were found in Jackson’s home after he died.

Law enforcement sources say there is already “plenty of powerful evidence” linking Dr. Murray as the person who administered the drug to Jackson. The evidence includes various items found in Jackson’s house, including the Propofol, an IV stand and oxygen tank.

There is also word that the LAPD are interested in Michael’s shady doctor (who in his life WASN’T shady? Hell, even the housekeeper probably had connections with a cartel or once killed her mother) because of certain statements that came out of his mouth at the crime scene. Someone was self-prescribing!

Anyway, this is a total win for LaToya. From horse-riding satiny crazy to justice seeker. She needs to solve more crimes. Like Katie Holmes‘ obvious brain-washing, how many virgins Madge has killed to look like that, and why I can’t seem to avoid eating two ice cream sandwiches at a time.

latoya-jackson

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LaToya Jackson, P.I.

July 13, 2009

latoya_jackson_horse1

It whinnied! The Jacksons are going to milk MJ’s untimely death for all it’s celebrity worth. The real Ms. Jackson If You Nasty, LaToya, has revealed to the world that her brother Michael Jackson was MURDERED! Holy shite! Instead of using her detective skills to find her sanity, LaToya is determined to suss out who offed her brother! Go to it, VI Warshawski!

In an interview with the Daily Mail, the beautiful equestrienne says that she suspected Michael was iced by his creepy drug-supplying entourage from the very start. And here I thought a “spokesman” who went by the nom de guerre of “Dr. Tohme Tohme” was totally on the up and up.

Fighting back tears, La Toya, 53, said: ‘I believe Michael was murdered, I felt that from the start. Not just one person was involved, rather it was a conspiracy of people.

He was surrounded by a bad circle. Michael was a very meek, quiet, loving person. People took advantage of that. People fought to be close to him, people who weren’t always on his side.

ToyToy also says that she was wearing her swami hat recently and salivating over her crystal ball because SHE. KNEW. HER. BROTHER. WAS. GOING. TO. DIE. (apparently, the King of Pop thought so, too.)

‘Less than a month ago, I said I thought Michael was going to die before the London shows because he was surrounded by people who didn’t have his best interests at heart.

‘Michael was worth more than a billion dollars. When anyone is worth that much money, there are always greedy people around them. I said to my family a month ago,

“He’s never going to make it to London.” He was worth more dead than alive.’
La Toya revealed Michael himself ‘never believed he would live to be an old man’ and feared he would die in his fifties.

LaToya (why couldn’t this be Rebbie Jackson? “The Centipede” needs to get on the come up once again…) says that she’s determined to get paid from this somehow get “the truth out there.”  “The truth” being discomfiting personal details about the family’s grief. Cuz, jesus, Tactless. The cynical side of me thinks she should have saved all this for the book, cuz’ this is some profitable prose.

She says: ‘There was a towel over his face and I lifted it and the kids saw him and Paris said, “Oh Daddy, I love you.”

‘We hugged and kissed him and the children lifted up his hands. He didn’t look like he was gone. His eyes were half open and he looked like he was sleeping. He wasn’t cold.

‘The kids had been screaming and crying but once they were in that room and saw Michael they stopped and became calm. We said prayers over him. I asked them, “What do you want to say to Daddy?” and they said private things to him.

Paris was holding his hand. We were all sitting around the bed. His chest was very red from the attempts to revive him. I lifted the covers to see his legs. Everything looked fine.’

You know, I’ve been in the room with a dead loved one and my first instinct wasn’t to “see his legs.” Huh? Michael’s virtual twin in the face (minus the pallor) also reports that she doesn’t trust Michael’s personal doctor Conrad Murray, and that there were “fresh needle marks” on his bod. Also, the previously mentioned spokesperson, Dr. Tohme Tohme, lived up his incredibly suspicious nickname by firing the staff at two of MJ’s homes at 11 AM the day of his death. Ok, I’m with her on that one.

He had needle marks on his neck and on his arms and more about those will emerge in the next few weeks. I cannot discuss that any further as I may jeopardise the investigation. I can, however, say that I have not changed my mind about my feeling that Michael was murdered.’

I can’t wait for the trial when LaToya shows up in a black hat and veil and wails dramatically on the stand for her new reality show cameras. I’m also waiting for a new Playboy shoot in which LaToya wears nothing but a Sherlock Holmes cap, a magnifying glass in her hand, and a crazed glare.

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Jesus Christ Was A Pre-Teen Terminator Badass Breast Man According To National Geographic

July 1, 2009

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angry_child

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So last night I was watching this shitshow. Now let me preface this by saying that I like talking about religion about as much as I like talking about politics, which is little to none. Keep it to your damn self, do what you like, but don’t hurt anyone. How’s that for religion? But this show rocked my world. Mainly because I was brought up fairweather Catholic (CCD, baptized and confirmed, but we only went to church if RiRi saw a hot church number down at the Lane Bryant or if there was some sort of Easter guilt). But if I had known that there were gospels about Jesus Christ being some sort of Damian Thorne-OMEN child-superpowered hainty murdering crankcase badass into titties, I would have stuck around and not decided organized religion wasn’t the business.

Anyway, this show (National Geographic’s The Secret Lives Of Jesus – which is a hot title,  cuz’ it makes it sound like Jesus was into cross-dressing or participated in fight clubs) was about all the Gospels that various fans of Jesus wrote that didn’t make it into the Bible. Perhaps they took all the printing costs into consideration and didn’t want to leave all that hot imagery about whores and beasts in Revelations out of it. Because that’s your Bible CGI right there. Anyway, over the years, scholars have unearthed alternate gospels reportedly detailing Christ’s early years and some of it is rad. Keep reading!

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