Archive for the ‘He's gay’ Category

Open For Business

June 29, 2012

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I’m toying with blogging again. I’ve had lots of therapy. Hopefully my block is cleared. I’m just not sure what to write about. Little vignettes about my day? Even typing that made me want to shear off my face with something sharp. Posts about my hatred of things? I could write about celebrity bullshit, but did you guys know Michael K. at DListed hired me out of the blue to cover for him when he’s got the clap and it’s affecting his laptop? How fucking huge was that for my ass? So whenever there’s a holiday or he has a flare-up, it looks like I’ll be over there handling famous douche. I hope. FUCK, what if he decides I suck? That last thought was why I see a therapist once a week. Anyway, thay was a fucking dream come true. And ironic, seeing as in the post where I closed this blog, I noted that he was a way better writer than I am. Still true, but if you can’t beat em – beat them off.

I could post secrets people told me, but thinly veil them. SHROUD THEM. So “fucked his husband” becomes “got that used on Craigslist.” 

The posts about what I saw on the T were pretty popular. But now I pay for parking. Did you guys know I work with my future husband…

OH SHIT, THIS COULD BE A TOTALLY BORING BLOG ABOUT HOW I’M GETTING MARRIED IN OCTOBER. It could be like one of those bride blogs where I tell you about how the sand in that centerpiece was imported from Revere Beach. Smokin’ butts. Tannin’.

I need to keep my peabrain busy, so I guess I’ll just post about whatever strikes my fancy. Here’s where I make a promise to myself (I PROMISE TO TRY, BUT IT FEELS LIKE A LIE. I still think Like A Prayer is her best album.) to post once a week. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH. That’ll happen. 

Has anyone had Mrs. Fields cookies that come individually wrapped in a box. Shit, those are good.

I need a new banner. I am taking submissions.

John Travolta’s Been Outed For The 3 Millionth Time

September 2, 2010

Mwah!

A lot of times as a gay man who also writes about celebrities, I’m often asked about who in Hollywood is downlow dicking the pool boy. And I always respond with “Tom Cruise” (obvi, even those feral children who were locked in a room for the first seventeen years and unable to learn languages know that Tom Cruise likes to be slapped in the face with peen) and “John Travolta.” And people FREAK when I say Johnny Trav. Like, get incensed at me. Yeah, John Travolta is the GAYEST gay in Hollywood. Everyone knows he’s gay. The wife knows he’s gay, too. There are numerous stories about him rolling up on dudes in the steam room, he’s been photographed kissing his boyfriend at the time goodbye (and this ain’t Italy) on a runway, and he obviously doesn’t give a shit. Who cares? But a lot of people are way into Grease (I’m a Grease 2-er myself, COOOOOL RIDAH!) and they don’t want me to hammer their dreams of Johnny Trav as pompadour musicality toughness into tiny bits. Too bad. Dude’s GAY.

Anyway, there’s a new book coming out in which some dude who Travolta tried to back that ass up on outs him and claims that he’s part of (oh god, this is awesome) the “underground secret world of celebrity gay spa sex.” HAHAHAHAHHA. More on that later. Robert Randolph tells The National Enquirer how this all went down.

“I met John in 1998, after he had married Kelly. I believe the marriage is a total fraud because John is totally into guys and has been having sex with them behind Kelly’s back for years. He came on to me a number of times. I always turned him down. But there was always some guy who was willing to have sex with him. And John didn’t stop cheating on Kelly after either of their children was born. John’s a cheating dog. It’s just been wrong, because his wife seems like such a sweet woman.”

Homo. Who is this a revelation for besides your mom? Believe me, Kelly cries into her pillowcase stuffed with diamonds and her tears glisten elegantly on the sculpted chest of her “personal trainer.”

My major delight in this story is that this dude is trying to make the “underground secret world of celebrity gay spa sex” sound like an insidious subculture. Like it’s a fetish! People, gay dudes have been fucking in your gyms for, like, centuries. I can assure you that your gym has at least a couple of gay guys doing blow (and I don’t mean cocainya) in the steam room or the locker room. It’s a time-honored tradition. Men are pigs, and gay men are worse. There are gays who go to the gym and consider finding dick their damn workout. Trust. That shifty guy at the gym who you never actually see doing anything besides entering the locker room? Notice how his ass has never even been within two feet of the elliptical? Yeah, lookin’ for peen. You do not need 48 Hours for this shit, Robert Randolph.

Pride: Ten Gay Things

June 12, 2010
Pride just the way I like it - fat, ridiculous, ass-baring and complete with headband.

Pride just the way I like it - fat, ridiculous, ass-baring and complete with headband.

Tomorrow is Gay Pride here in the city of Boston. And, although I am currently feeling like hell in the head and throat, I wanted to celebrate the day all of us gays….go to a fair-to-middling parade (needs more leather daddies and less strollers), and then…usually drink at a block party and trick with some random that you’re going to ignore the next time you see him….wow, pride….where was I? Oh yeah, I wanted to present a neat top ten list! Because people love lists! Especially gays! Pick up an Entertainment Weekly sometime! I thought I would list Ten Gay Things! Keep reading because I’m sure to offend someone because most of the things I list are usually considered straight. HAH!

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Dustin Hoffman And Jason Bateman Are Lovers

June 4, 2010

Go on you little slut, make out with Rain Man...

Go on you little slut, make out with Rain Man...


And the winner is...Massimo!

And the winner is...Massimo!


Preface – I ripped this photo off from Dlisted, and it’s a Splash photo which means I will probably be asked to cut the shit and take it down and then beaten by a minor cast member of The City. Which I totally will.

But first, people need to see some real love. And when I say real love, I mean a photo of Dustin Hoffman and Jason Bateman getting some Harold & Maude romantic shit done in the stands at last night’s Celtics game in Los Angeles.

Now I know in reality this was to bag on the paparazzi or maybe gross out Kevin Garnett or Dustin’s in the Arrested Development movie and they are laying some comedic marketing pipe. But I would rather see it as like Luke and Obi One finally putting down their sabers after a tough day of training and talking about how well they could kill womp rats with their land speeder’s lasers and their eyes meeting and then…bliss. And around them, a stadium bursts into cheers.

I was always hot for Tootsie, too, Jason.

Contest! Seeing as I will be asked to take this pic down, I ask readers to submit their own representations of Jason Bateman and Dustin Hoffman making out in the bleachers! Whether it’s digital art, or a crayon drawing or in blood! The winner will be added to this post for posterity (in place of my stolen picture,) and will receive a special prize from yours truly, J. Harvey! Judging will begin by a panel of experts (meaning, me, and I might ask Scotty his opinion) on Friday morning! DO IT!

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Gay Face: Guess Who?

June 2, 2010

Edgy like your knife!

Can you guess? I couldn’t until I read the post (and ganked the photo) over at D-Listed. Click on the link for the answer. And when you’ve got nothing but time on your hands, you go and get draggy and you salvage that relevance!

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Sue Sylvester Is No Longer A Free Bitch, Baby

June 2, 2010
Marry me, Sue.

Marry me, Sue.

Let me tell you this much right now. Jane Lynch is the be-all, end-all. Who would have thought a middle-aged stretch of a deadpan lesbian would become America’s Snark Sweetheart? Last week’s Glee was missing a whole lot of Sue Sylvester and let me tell you, Idina Menzel and Lea Michaels‘ mother and daughter nose-off was NOT making up for it (though that was kind of a cool rendition of “Poker Face”).

And in some love news for Jane, Star is reporting that she married her girlfriend, psychologist Dr. Lara Embry, at the Blue Heron restaurant in SUNDERLAND, MASSACHUSETTS after just two coffees and one date! I kid, lesbians get married after three dates and four coffees now.

Yes, Sue Sylvester tied the dental dam in my home state! Here’s some details:

After the vows, the party retreated inside for a reception dinner. Jane and Lara were very involved in choosing all details, including the beige and neutral color scheme and the mix of seasonal flowers. “It was a really beautiful event,” said Scott.

Guests had an option of grilled sea bass or duck for the entrée, and the restaurant created a white chocolate mousse layer cake for dessert. A band provided music and guests mingled and danced until 10 pm.

10 PM.? Well, she is 49. She probably wanted to retire to her bridal suite, get into some sweats and catch a Law & Order re-run. I’m thinking my wedding won’t happen until I’m 49, so I would do the same damn thing. I’m fat and tired.

The hot thing about Jane Lynch is that she appeals to everybody. My two asshole brothers think she’s the shit. And you rarely see them re-telling movie lines from female comediennes like they do Jane’s from The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Role Models. As opposed to me, who has every line Olympia Dukakis and Shirley MacLaine in Steel Magnolias and Madeline Kahn and Eileen Brennan in Clue uttered carved on my frontal lobe. Which is a task cuz’ that lobe ain’t too big despite the casing.

Anyway, congrats to Jane and Lara and here’s a link to the restaurant they got married at which was hot enough to contain their love yet obviously way too timid to at least post a pic of the organic hay bales they stood on to get joined for life or at least until a ponytailed yet butch personal trainer gets between them. Way to drum up some publicity, Sapphic restauranteurs! (Don’t get on my case, it’s a dyke wedding and the website says Barbara and Deborah run the place. I know what goes on.)

And this exactly how I feel about your wedding, Jane.

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See, I Told You This Blog Wasn’t Dead. Jerk.

February 15, 2010

Alright, alright, I was gone for way too long. And I got some (3) awfully sweet requests (ok, 2) to start blogging again about ridiculous things that only really I care about. Who are these people? Are they in iron lungs? Are they wafting about a lakeside home, staring at the placid water, and feeling the emptiness inside that comes when J. Harvey‘s lazy ass hasn’t gone to WordPress since November? I think I love them and what am I so afraid of? There were a couple of things that kept me from sharing my vapid thoughts and ill-researched opinions. Jump the hell over and hear me whine and find out fun facts about J. Harvey’s personal life that you never knew before! (That rest stop arrest was just a misunderstanding, there is more than one J. Harvey that operates his own glory hole ya know!)

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Bookmark This Mess: Jack In A Box

October 8, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about "JACK IN A BOX: The Student (Episode 4)", posted with vodpod

jackbox

So Tornetta Danjahandz (my roommate, conduit for Internet freakyshit, and former painter of hams…seriously I have a painting of hers that is of a ham) showed me this photo of online actor/cub hotness Michael Cyril Creighton. And besides MCC being cute as a button with perfectly coiffed hair, Tornetta baby followed it up with a link to his web series.

Are you snarky? Bitter? Do you like cupcakes? Are you failed in life? Do you have cool glasses and shorts with an adorable pocket lining? Are you gay? Again, cupcakes? You are gonna LOVE this. This is episode 4 of Jack In A Box. Creighton portrays a failed actor named Jack who works in an off-Broadway ticket booth. He hates his job, smokes too much and is generally resentful and bitchy. Score!

Seriously, this is droll and funny and kind of sad…and we all know this guy. And some of us ARE this guy. SHUT UP, I’ll get a job I hate eventually.

Danjahandz might as well just write this blog. My Internet porn addiction seriously prohibits me from scouring the World Wide Webzers for rad shit.

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Gay And Hag For Jim Beam

September 25, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about "The Girlfriend", posted with vodpod

So our new roommate Tornetta Danjahandz (who is like my conduit for all things hot on the Internet) showed me this shizz. The Grimace gueen in the back is cracking me up. How many of these couples do YOU know. This is a fag hag wake up call. The hags don’t just come in Rubenesque form and work at the dentist’s office and make AWESOME Rice Krispie treats and let you bum smokes off of them anymore. They are also spunky, wayward career-oriented women who secretly pray Nathan will stop looking at Jon Hamm and explore their intimate mystery after yoga.

Admittedly, this video also does it for me because that is Tornetta in the background. True story.

I am so taken with it that it makes me want to drink Jim Beam. And normally I need my licka fruity. With more fruity. And a soft delivery so I can drink many. Like I will have the Orange Sherbert rainbow cloudtini in a Batgirl glass with a soft shawl to wrap around my shoulders please.

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