Archive for the ‘Hurray for Hollywood’ Category

I’m Sorry, Yo Mama – I Was Way Late With This

November 7, 2010

This is what you get in Google when looking for too late. But damn, what is going on with the creepy misogyny. This shit wouldnt be up at on the wall down at the Loews nowadays. Gloria Steinem would have ripped this shit off the wall and eaten it.

QUESTION: I need Halloween costume ideas, stat! Preferably something celebrity related.

Yeah, looks like I was tardy for this one. I don’t know, do you want answers for this one for next year? Sure, why not. Here’s some celebrities.


Watch This: The Incredibly Hot Trailer For Black Swan

August 18, 2010

Aaieieeeh! Ballet is makin' me crazy!

Christ, even the title is rad…

We all sit around hoping for a Dario Argento/Fatal Attraction/The Turning Point/Single White Female/Phantom of the Paradise mess to seduce us into renting Suspiria while wearing mascara and drinking absinthe, only to break into the local opera house and paint it blood red. It’s on now. Here’s the HAWT trailer for Darren Aronofsky’s (the man responsible for the best ass-to-ass scene ever shown outside of Tom Cruise‘s screening room) Black Swan. Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis play rival ballerinas in this one, along with that French actor that’s in everything French and Barbara Hershey (who never gets enough credit for that TV movie in which she played the lady with the bad perm who axed her friend to death). And clearly we will receive the usual jealousy and madness and lust that comes with the world of dance. Stellar. And the whole thing will be about is Natalie really crazy or is all this wacky bullshit actually happening and Mila is the Devil? I say Mila is the devil. I HOPE Mila is the devil. Ballet is evil. We all know it. The last time I went to the ballet it was like succubi in tutus.

And this just in, Winona Ryder is in this mess! So if your ballet flats are missing…I’m just sayin’.

The Real Highlight Of This Debbie Gibson/Tiffany Catfight is The Hot Piece In The Deputy Uniform

July 27, 2010

Vodpod videos no longer available.

gatoroid, posted with vodpod

Bitch, please. I have the same reaction to Teri Hatcher too, Kathyrn. You just want to club her like a seal.

The above footage are outtakes from a cat scratch fever brawl between TIFFANY and MUTHATRUCKIN’ DEBBIE GIBSON on the set of Scorcese’s Mega-Python Vs. Gatoroid. Pies, cleavage, Tiffany’s now juicy juice ass and plastic champagne sippy glasses from Izzaparty (there’s a LOT of financial backing behind this SyFy masterpiece) go flying in all directions. Homegirls end up wet in a swamp (because of the swamp, this is a family film) but the real deal is that broad with the shocked expression on her face representin’ the popo! Mrs. McCluskey, I see you!

That’s hot character actress Kathryn Joosten, who plays the evil (and by “evil” I mean “the only reason to watch that show since they killed Edie”) neighbor to Felicity Huffman on Desperate Housewives. I know they sorta hint that she has a heart of gold, but I used to love to watch her scare children and irritate the yentas up on Wisteria Lane. I often wanted her to cuff Teri Hatcher one in the Botox. Just on principle.

Ms. Joosten needs to pay that condo note, so she will appear in a whole bunch of silly shit. And bring class to every occasion!

So not only is this shit going to have bad CGI, dueling 80s pop queens in bad prom dresses from Cache’s 1992 collection, and what I pray will be softcore porn actresses in bikinis being chomped on by radioactive animals…but Karen McCluskey is the sherrif! She’s the sherrif. My DVR is going to give me oral out of gratitude!

Remind Me To Start Watching ‘House’ Regularly

July 22, 2010

Do drugs with us. Or get out. Here's your throwing knife.

What the devil is going on over at the House set? It sounds like a non-stop sadomasochistic cocainya disco party! I will say that a friend of a friend used to work in the costume department over there and claims Cuddy is totally seeing people next Tuesday with demands for flunkies to be available to tie her shoelaces. True story. Bend over like the rest of us do, hooker! TMZ is reporting that a former assistant prop master for the show named Carl Jones is suing producers and other people on the set over some CRAZY shit. He was fired in March.

In the suit, Jones claims he was harassed by two of his supervisors for refusing to engage in “visits to strip bars, participation in getting drunk, stoned or intoxicated on cocaine, to participate in sexual conduct at the trailer, and other dangerous conduct.”

Jones claims the supervisors would often refer to him — and other employees — as “fags, pussies, bitches, slaves, dummies, retards and idiots.”

Jones also claims one of his supervisors brought a gun to the set “several times”

Sounds like my last job. Carl also says there was knife-throwing on the set while drunk on tequila (Party! You know that Jennifer Morrison ho is good with a shank) and that his complaints to an executive producer were what got him blackballed and then fired. He says that this left him massively depressed and somehow physically injured. He is suing NBC Universal for a cool million. House’s masters are saying that the suit is “without merit.”

I always knew the dude from Dead Poets’ Society would slap me in the face with “fag!” and demand I blow some coke off a stripper’s hey nanny nanny if I ever partied with him. You know he’s got a freaky secret.

And if I may impart my view on House. I’ve watched the show a couple of times, and it’s entertaining. But if that twat with the cane started giving me sarcasm and shade when I was laying there dying? I would rise up and hit that bug-eyed slut in the face with my IV pole! Not cute.

To Celebrate Lindsay Lohan Hopefully Going To Prison Day…

July 20, 2010

Nun of This!

This is a still of Lindsay Lohan from Robert Rodriguez‘s upcoming Machete (hopefully prononounced “MA-CHET-EE”). Apparently, Lohan plays my favorite fictional archetype – a nun with a gun! She should totally rock this look when she shows up to do time. Think of all the drugs you can hide in a habit and wimple. Plus, nuns get all the kitty they want. It’s not like Jesus is showing up to twatblock. This entry got gross and offensive.

I just had an awful thought…what if this whole prison thing is just some awful marketing for MA-CHET-EE? What if Lohan stages a prison break and comes out in this and then turns to the TMZ cameras and goes “MA-CHET-EE, September 3, 2010!” and then winks? DON’T YOU DO THIS TO ME, HOLLYWOOD!!!

Lindsay Lohan Accepting Prison? (Out Second Lawyer)

July 20, 2010

How many balloons of cocaine CAN I fit in my vagine?

In a shocking twist, Lindsay Lohan seems to be accepting the fact that she’s about to be ensconced in a comfortable jail cell.

(Fact – It’s not like they will put this mess in solitary with a hole for toilette. She’ll have air conditioning for chrissakes. And a blanket. And she can probably get drugs more easily IN prison than outside it. I’ve seen OZ. They have em’ in condoms or balloons and people put them up themselves. I’m guessing she’s played that game before.)

Lohan brought Walt Disney into it on her Twitter. Eeeks.

the only “bookings” that i’m familiar with are Disney Films, never thought that i’d be “booking” into Jail… eeeks
about 9 hours ago via web

The last time this bitch was looked at by Disney was when she drove by Disneyland in Anaheim on a drug run.

Freckles may have come to the realization that she was definitely donning orange when her newest lawyer, famed O.J. legal eagle Robert Shapiro, rolled his eyes and left.

TMZ reports that Shapiro met with peoples’ hero Judge Marsha yesterday and informed her that he was audi. This is an easy point to make, but this dude represented a man who cut his ex-wife’s head off and killed a waiter as a bonus. Represented him to a “not guilty” verdict. After said psychopath led cops on a high-speed chase. And he couldn’t handle sitting with Lindsay Lohan at a long table for a couple of hours. Make of that what you will.

Stay tuned today to see if Lohan actually turns up at the pokey. Or if she sends Dina in leggins’, a wig and stage freckles.

Mark Ruffalo Is Fiery With The Sexy And Can Play Any Superhero He Damn Well Wants

July 15, 2010

Hulk smash?

Eddie Norton can bite my green weenus

So those of you who are geeks (Team Fanboy, Stand The Fuck Up!), might know that Marvel is going to be taking all of their superhero franchises (Iron Man ft. Black Widow and Samuel Jackson as Muthertruckin’ Nick Fury, The Incredible Hulk, and the upcoming Captain America as well as the future Thor movie) and emulating their comic book history by combining them in one big geekgasm called The Avengers. I have already bought extra Kleenex (not for crying) and Vicodin (for before and after) for when this comes about. Mostly because one of my favorite creators, Joss Whedon, is directing this shite. Whedon gave us Buffy. Buffy gave us the world *sob*.

Anyway, Robert Downey Jr. is totally in as Tony Stark but the current Hulk is not. Edward Norton is known to be kind of the pissiest bitch under the Hollywood sign (he often claims he personally rewrites the scripts of the films he appears in), and talks broke down with Marvel over reprising his role as Bruce Banner.

Norton, obviously psychologically damaged from all those years dating Courtney Love and wiping crack spittle off his cheek if he is refusing to work with Joss, released a surprisingly calm statement about how the money wasn’t there or some shit while the studio and his agent battled it out via press releases. I would bore you with the details but eff that, because really good news came from E! today that Mark Ruffalo is in talks to play Hulk.

Yes, the curly haired, sex-faced cherub acting storm known as Ruffalo might be waking up in shredded purple pants and no shirt on the floor of a forest after a Hulk rampage! Mark Ruffalo has done it for me since he played Laura Linney‘s asshole brother in You Can Count On Me, and he keeps doing it for me up until this very day. Hi, did you see how sexy-ass he was in Zodiac with the bow ties and the shoulder holsters?

I would go back in time and deal with Vietnam and Anita Bryant just to get fingerprinted by this bitch.

Fuck, I would gladly get hogtied, stabbed and written about in a coded letter to the San Francisco Examiner if Mark Ruffalo was taking on my case!

So let’s break this down: Ruffalo as Hulk, Chris (Sex in Spandex) Evans as Captain America, Chris Pine‘s hot dad from the beginning of Star Trek as Thor?!?! And RDJ, while not my cup of tea in the wanking arena, is hilarious and awesome. And then you throw in ScarJo‘s spiral perm as Black Widow? They might as well advertise this shit on ManHunt!

Uncle Jessie (Allegedly) Tapped The Wrong Underaged Ass

July 13, 2010

Run your underage fingers through this silkiness, baby...

I never had the fascination for Full House that others (I see you, Bill Cosby) did. Though I was sorta into the mannish face on Kimmy Gibler. When she was legal! But I’ll tell you now, “Kokomo” will be summoning visions of underage jailbait in hot tubs and soft, bushy-mulleted celebrities with cocaine nosejobs from now on. That really makes the song so much better for me. Anyway, the Associated Press is sayin’ that John Stamos has been the victim of a blackmail plot. Wait til’ you hear what Uncle Jessie was supposedly up in, and it wasn’t Lori Loughlin (though it sounds like the Olsen twins may not have been safe…)

A Marquette, Michigan woman named Allison Coss is claiming she had a sexy (gross) fling with the actor during a spring break trip to Florida in 2004. When she was 17. HI-YOOOOO! And it wasn’t just a journey of romance through the bar area and ending up at a tastefully decorated hotel room provided by the American Broadcasting Corporation. We had hookas, strippahs, cocainya, and herp germs percolating in the jacuzzi!


Today Was Basically Christmas For You If You Think Lindsay Lohan Sucks

July 6, 2010

Is it my birthday?

Not only did Lindsay Lohan get sentenced to 90 (count em, 90) days in the joint, but the LA Times reports that she was served papers WHILE IN THE COURTHOUSE ELEVATOR TODAY informing her that she is being sued by an LA boutique for neglecting to return $17,000 worth of clothing. You know, what other people usually refer to as “theft.” But still, even when she gets out of jail, bitch is going right back to court for being shady and shifty and cokey. That’ll learn her.

The civil suit alleges that Lohan defrauded a Los Angeles boutique, Church, out of nearly $17,000 worth of clothing and accessories, TMZ reported Friday. Lohan is accused of telling the owners that her business manager would settle the bill — but only $180 was ever paid, the owners said.

In my eyes, the very worst thing you can do as a celebrity (well besides like eating children or something) is assuming everything you do is paid for. Even if, unlike this dreg, you’re an actual working actress or musician or artist. You don’t think Meryl Streep is running out on a tab, do ya? And this freckled slattern is assuming people will just hand her goods and services because she was in The Parent Trap? Girl, bye!

Oh, and word is Lindsay wouldn’t take the papers so the process server just threw them at her hooves and bailed. Apparently, that’s all you have to do in Cali to serve a bitch. She probably stared down at them uncomprehendingly. What a day for her. Even crazy dumptruck Britney Spears has a moue of disgust on her face towards her. The only way this could have gotten any better for us is if she left the courthouse to find her tires slashed and then someone hit her in the face with a pie.

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Fast Forward To 4:27 For The Schadenfreude Of A Lifetime

July 6, 2010

Before the fall...

If you’re unaware what that is, here you go.
It should be my middle name because I am a bitch. But not in this case because that entitled cokehead snotty skank known as Lindsay Lohan is GOING TO JAIL. Can you feel a brand new day? Someone call out the Lollipop League and wheel in the keg, cuz’ it’s party time.

Can you think of anyone more deserving of jailtime than this fake-ass delusional ho? For going on years now, she has evaded prosecution for numerous offenses, managing to weasel out of just about every charge brought against her. She has repeatedly made the Los Angeles court system seem like the most dickless and ineffectual provider of justice since George Clooney starred as Batman. And why? Because she’s a cokey actress who was briefly relevant? But now you might want to send an Edible Arrangement to Judge Marsha Revel because that stand-up lady of the cloth (wait…robe?) just sent Lindsay Lohan to jail for 90 days. Huzzah!

Skeezy Lohan will reportedly be going to jail for 90 days and then entering rehab (I’m sure that will take) for another 90 for violating her DUI probation by skipping out on her booze classes. Finally, someone with a real set of pendulous low-hangers (sorry, Judge) just smacked that bitch upside her dried-out crackie face. Let’s complete this slash and burn on Lindsay’s entitlement by driving to Long Island and slapping her friggin’ whoring cokemom, family apologist Dina Lohan. Hell, why stop there? Kick ole’ Ali in the ass, too, and don’t even get me started on that douchebag father with the desperation to be on camera and the cellphone on his belt and the turtlenecks. I could go on for hours.

So enjoy the sentencing. Right after Lindsay gives this simpering, bullshit plea for mercy (the lawyer must have shook her roughly immediately before court and said “bitch, you betta say this or you are screwed, you crawl under her robe and kiss her ass, now!”), the judge ignores it, gives her 90 days in the clink, and Lindsay bursts into tears which cleansed my soul. Good. Next! We’re looking at you, Charlie Sheen.

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