Archive for the ‘I wanna crack rock’ Category

Wherein I Return To My Blog And Answer Questions (Here You Go, Peppermint…)

November 7, 2010

This is what you get when you Google return. How hot were the clothes back then? That chick with the butterfly collar is choice.

Hi. Wow, I think I started receiving death threats. How hot is THAT? So I got a new gig and it involves me social media-ing, and blogging a lot and obviously I left this place abandoned like when a kidnapper has a basement girl and he gets killed and what a horrifying metaphor this is going to be so I’ll stop. Oh, and I decided to start off by answering all the questions left on my last entry (including the gross watch in the toilet one from Bill Cosby and fuck him for asking that cuz’ it’s known I think poop is gross). I would throw up the Unqualified picture but I can’t find the damn thing and I’m too lazy to go back and Save As that mess. I am seriously run down in the life, huh?


Remind Me To Start Watching ‘House’ Regularly

July 22, 2010

Do drugs with us. Or get out. Here's your throwing knife.

What the devil is going on over at the House set? It sounds like a non-stop sadomasochistic cocainya disco party! I will say that a friend of a friend used to work in the costume department over there and claims Cuddy is totally seeing people next Tuesday with demands for flunkies to be available to tie her shoelaces. True story. Bend over like the rest of us do, hooker! TMZ is reporting that a former assistant prop master for the show named Carl Jones is suing producers and other people on the set over some CRAZY shit. He was fired in March.

In the suit, Jones claims he was harassed by two of his supervisors for refusing to engage in “visits to strip bars, participation in getting drunk, stoned or intoxicated on cocaine, to participate in sexual conduct at the trailer, and other dangerous conduct.”

Jones claims the supervisors would often refer to him — and other employees — as “fags, pussies, bitches, slaves, dummies, retards and idiots.”

Jones also claims one of his supervisors brought a gun to the set “several times”

Sounds like my last job. Carl also says there was knife-throwing on the set while drunk on tequila (Party! You know that Jennifer Morrison ho is good with a shank) and that his complaints to an executive producer were what got him blackballed and then fired. He says that this left him massively depressed and somehow physically injured. He is suing NBC Universal for a cool million. House’s masters are saying that the suit is “without merit.”

I always knew the dude from Dead Poets’ Society would slap me in the face with “fag!” and demand I blow some coke off a stripper’s hey nanny nanny if I ever partied with him. You know he’s got a freaky secret.

And if I may impart my view on House. I’ve watched the show a couple of times, and it’s entertaining. But if that twat with the cane started giving me sarcasm and shade when I was laying there dying? I would rise up and hit that bug-eyed slut in the face with my IV pole! Not cute.

Lindsay Lohan Accepting Prison? (Out Second Lawyer)

July 20, 2010

How many balloons of cocaine CAN I fit in my vagine?

In a shocking twist, Lindsay Lohan seems to be accepting the fact that she’s about to be ensconced in a comfortable jail cell.

(Fact – It’s not like they will put this mess in solitary with a hole for toilette. She’ll have air conditioning for chrissakes. And a blanket. And she can probably get drugs more easily IN prison than outside it. I’ve seen OZ. They have em’ in condoms or balloons and people put them up themselves. I’m guessing she’s played that game before.)

Lohan brought Walt Disney into it on her Twitter. Eeeks.

the only “bookings” that i’m familiar with are Disney Films, never thought that i’d be “booking” into Jail… eeeks
about 9 hours ago via web

The last time this bitch was looked at by Disney was when she drove by Disneyland in Anaheim on a drug run.

Freckles may have come to the realization that she was definitely donning orange when her newest lawyer, famed O.J. legal eagle Robert Shapiro, rolled his eyes and left.

TMZ reports that Shapiro met with peoples’ hero Judge Marsha yesterday and informed her that he was audi. This is an easy point to make, but this dude represented a man who cut his ex-wife’s head off and killed a waiter as a bonus. Represented him to a “not guilty” verdict. After said psychopath led cops on a high-speed chase. And he couldn’t handle sitting with Lindsay Lohan at a long table for a couple of hours. Make of that what you will.

Stay tuned today to see if Lohan actually turns up at the pokey. Or if she sends Dina in leggins’, a wig and stage freckles.

Here’s Mel Gibson Sounding Enraged And Coked Out Of His Mind

July 12, 2010

[redlasso id=”d135898c-f6f7-4bbb-b5d4-4bc6c46565fb”]

First off, you might want to turn the volume down on this bitch because if you’re at your office, someone might thing you’re being attacked in your cubicle by a crazy with racial issues. Or if you’re at home, the kids might think Daddy got into some blow and had a life-changer before he got home. Here’s Mel Gibson making a strong case for a muscle relaxant to be administered or a straight jacket to be tried on in a taped phone call to ex Oksana Grigorieva. Radar acquired the tape.

He flips out about her alleged “foreign bodies” (aka breast implants), and tells the mother of his child that she’s a whore and looks like a “bitch on heat” (which makes her sound like she’s on a stove). My favorite part is when he tells her that her clothes are so slutty that he can see her vagina from the back (it’s like x-Ray ‘gina vision)!

And of course he makes his now infamous comment implying that black guys are running around looking for ladies to rape as a group sporting event.

Why do I get the impression this chick was smiling the entire time as she listened to his mania and watched the recorder’s digital time read-out increase?

Lindsay Lohan Out One Lawyer, Teaching Civics Now

July 9, 2010

Professor Lindsay.

This bitch here. Your Lindsay Lohan is a spoiled cunt update is now available for download. So Lohan’s lawyer got tired of all the leggings sweat, traces of cocaine cut with baby laxative, and crusts of psychotic delusion Lindsay would leave around the office and in her lawyer-type Escalade. So she has parted ways with her client. TMZ says that when they contacted Shawn Chapman Holley‘s office, she told their asses that she and Lindsay were over.

Lohan’s preferred method of communication (besides Twitter, god love her) is now nail sculpture. So maybe legal eagle Holley flashed her own fuckfinger at Lindsay with the digit-ized message of “get new counsel, crazy bitch” at her.

You know Lindsay’s Dad has already tried to contact her (throwing a note tied to a brick through her window) to offer his legal services.

And Lindsay apparently thinks that her civil rights are being violated because she’s being sent to prison. Bitch thinks she’s the Rosa Parks of lawfully prosecuted drunk-driving, multiple probation violating coke whores! Lindsay will NOT be sent to the back of the bus! She Twittered this mess this other night. There’s some other bullshit, too. I think her Twitter should be renamed #Some Other Bullshit.

It is clearly stated in Article 5 of the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights that, “No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.”

There really is our world and then the glorious world in her head that caters solely to Lindsay Lohan, huh? In her world, there should be parades in support of her skank ass and the Miami Heat should be looking to sign her.

Either Dave Chappelle Still Hasn’t Got His Sanity Back, Or He Fails To Realize Meta-Comedy Doesn’t Fly On Airplanes

July 5, 2010
Considering the subject of this story, Google Images was pretty on point when it supplied me with this image for "Dave Chappelle crazy."

Considering the subject of this story, Google Images was pretty on point when it supplied me with this image for "Dave Chappelle crazy."

When I first read this story, I was wondering if there were some cameras hidden somewhere and Dave Chappelle was just trying to engineer some sort of “funny” incident on a plane to show to an audience later…as in “Crazy Celebrity Interferes With Flight Because He Couldn’t Find The Bathroom And Gets Mistaken For A Terrorist” or “Crazy Celebrity Decides To Do Stand-Up Routine In Cockpit To Amuse Pilots And Hilarity Ensues.”  But, no, it sounds like he’s still completely crackers.  Bitch is lucky he didn’t get his ass clubbed by a flight attendant with a fire extinguisher!

TMZ says that former comedic superstar Dave Chappelle was responsible for causing a private jet bound for Ohio to instead land in Pittsburgh Friday night when Rick James was found to be a safety risk. “I’m here to crash your plane, bitch!”

During the flight, we’re told Dave “freaked out” and refused to put his seat belt on. Then — according to sources — Dave repeatedly walked into the cockpit, asking how much longer the flight would be, and started grabbing the pilot’s arms.

And the pilot merely landed? If this was a civilian, he would have ended up hogtied with seat belts, with one fashioned into a noose around his throat, and the aforementioned fire-extinguisher wielding flight attendant would have upgraded to running the drink cart over his damn head. Grabbed the pilot’s arm? Capt. Friendly had every right to pull out a piece and stick it in Dave’s nostril at that point!

Oh, and it gets weirder. Dave’s rep claims that this was all caused because Dave ate something that disagreed with him and didn’t find the bathroom on the jet to be adequate for what he had to do. I’m not one for bathroom humor (I’m a lady) but damn, what did you eat that was causing you to take down a plane to find a sturdier bathroom?

A rep for Chappelle explains the incident to TMZ by saying Dave really needed to use the restroom — he ate something that didn’t sit well — and the bathroom on the plane was “not the kind he needed.”

Uh, ok. Chappelle reportedly checked into a Pittsburgh hotel that evening and was then said to have been looking for a car to drive to his home in Ohio. Except that he was said to admit that he didn’t know where he lived. Ok, well it’s time to stop smoking crack out of lightbulbs and get your shit together. Because your show was really funny and you were a major talent and now your time is spent trying to find…lead-lined bathrooms to smoke your stuff in?

Don’t you fucking make me regret watching that Mad Real World skit with the white guy with all the hard ghetto roommates seven THOUSAND TIMES because I laughed so hard when Tron mentioned that “Katie’s ‘s got some big-ass titties, man!” Oh my god, and we laughed.

2005 was not a good year for Dave when he went insane and ended that show and went to South Africa.  Make this your ringtone like I did. This is what the Harvey boys say to each other when we meet up.

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Jeremy London What? Who?

June 18, 2010

I'm not really a doctor. But I sure as hell am a crack cocaine kidnapping victim.

I'm not really a doctor. But I sure as hell am a crack cocaine kidnapping victim.

I thought Palm Springs was some sort of monied community? Who knew it was a desolate locale, straight out of The Warriors? The Baseball Furies supposedly kidnapped actor Jeremy London, made him smoke the drugs, and then forced him at gunpoint to provide booze to the people in the gangland streets(?) of Palm Springs. Or at least he says. Didn’t we see this shit happen to Dexter on a different TV show?

From Radar:

Sergeant Steve Douglas, from Palm Springs Police Department, told the kidnapper forcibly took London — who played Griffin Holbrook on the hit FOX series Party of Five and Chandler Hampton on 7th Heaven — and drove him around in his own vehicle, while terrorizing him at gun point.

The suspect had a small hand gun, police said.

London told the po po that he was trying to change a flat tire outside the Bahama Hotel & Apartments on North Palm Canyon Drive on June 10 (someone celebrated my birthday by kidnapping and terrorizing a druggy actor) when suspect Brandon Adams stopped and offered to help. This “help” reportedly involved driving Jeremy around for five hours in his own car (so they fixed the flat first?), making him smoke crack and having him buy drinks for everyone down in the hood aka “a gang area of Palm Springs,” say the cops. London says he managed to escape around 3 AM.

Again, I am feeling the following was referenced in someone’s head (*cough* Jeremy’s *cough*) before this tomfoolery broke out (warning, this is the sequence that caused a lot of people to quit the show):

Adams was arrested and booked but watch out for the potholes in this story. London has had some issues with drugs in the past, and this sounds like some sort of bitch didn’t pay his bill incident. Having to act on 7th Heaven would make anyone take a lighter to the pipe. I still want to know why they were all white and the youngest daughter was Puerto Rican and there was no sort of adoption storyline. Suspect.

Update –

And whattayaknow? Radar now sez that there’s a bench warrant out for London’s arrest for driving without a license. He was already on probation for a DUI in aught four. “I was forced to smoke crack cocaine, officer.” Hmmph.

Lindsay Lohan’s Booze Monitoring Anklet Went Drinkin’

June 9, 2010
Oh my god, you guys, I think my bracelet's totally drunk...

Oh my god, you guys, I think my bracelet's totally drunk...

A judge issued an arrest warrant for Lindsay Lohan yesterday since she was supposed to stay off the booze as part of her bail agreement for drunk driving charge #11,300.

Why the warrant? Well, her SCRAM bracelet reportedly went off after Lohan’s appearance in glittery jumpsuit at the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday night. It didn’t just go off. The thing drank all the liquor in Mom and Dad’s cabinet, puked in the begonias and took off with the car, crashing into a Dairy Mart and narrowly avoiding killing a Hostess display.

Most of us who are locked into a court-ordered alcohol-detecting jewelry piece are probably going to AVOID DRINKING ALCOHOL. You know, cuz’ of prison. But Lindsay Lohan decided “hey, I’m at an awards show…why does Katy Perry get to drink…fuck this…IMA DRINK!” *sigh*

Granted, who the hell could remain sober at the MTV Movie Awards? Kristen Stewart‘s mean muggin’ would drive anyone to hunker down with the nearest gas can of grain alcohol.

E! reports that the arrest warrant was called off when a bail bondsman put up $20,000 so that Lohan could remain a free boozebag. Btw, her bail was initially $10,000 but it got doubled on account of her being a fucking idiot.

The rolling wreck of a young actress(?) reportedly Tweeted that she had done nothing wrong. “Who do you believe, oshifer, me or some friggin’ *urp* techno-computer thing which is stiflin’ my career and my art? *hic* IT DOESN’T EVEN COME IN PINK! *drunken sob*”

Can she just pull it together and become a realtor at this point? There’s like two roads here…Eventual Overdose and Death St. or Sad Obscurity Ave. Oh sweetie, pick the one where you live! Buy a house there. Replant those begonias. LIVE!

Because if not, some greedy asshole is going to be sellin’ pics of you on a respirator. It happens.

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Lindsay Lohan Claims She’s Broken Up With Drugs

February 23, 2010

In some kind of performance art comedy piece, Lindsay Lohan gave an interview to Britain’s The Sun tabloid in which the favorite of drug dealers everywhere claims she’s given her last rugmunch for the coke residue at the bottom of someone’s  purse. Hee. Illegally obtained prescription bottles of pills everywhere just rolled their little plastic eyes!

“When my father was going public, that’s when I hit rock bottom. I abused substances too much and it wasn’t the answer to my problems. People need to know that. I tried to mask my problems with alcohol, cocaine and mind-altering substances. Now I’m in a place where I don’t need to use anything and I can feel emotions because I choose to. I learnt from my mistakes and I’m now healthy and happier. I never want to be close to losing everything I worked for and aspired to have my whole life,” she says. Emotions like “berserk drug-fueled rage” and  that feeling you get when you just want to rip off your top and fling yourself through your ex-girlfriend’s picture window.

Besides blaming her asshole father Michael Lohan for her hot drug probs, the actress(?, what DOES she do nowadays, god, Mean Girls was so good) Lohan says that she was just working way too hard, you guys.

“There was a point when I didn’t know how to say ‘No’ and I was trying to please everyone. I was doing pop and making films. I was young and thought I could go out, have fun, then go on set and record. I ran myself down and I lost track of who I was.”

But never fear, now she just opts to get her drink on because she has it all under control. If I didn’t think the conversation would be me, me, me, and she would try to steal my wallet like the hooker in Vegas, I might wanna party with her. She’s probably a good time if you leave before she starts trying to snort the potpourri.

“I’m allowed to drink now but I know my limits. There are certain situations where I have obligations. There’s no reason to (drink) because I don’t want to feel like s*** in the morning. I’ve now learned my boundaries and I’ve been very good with cleaning house with people who I know didn’t have my best intentions at heart. A lot of people in LA are very self destructive. Partying so hard simply isn’t worth it. Life is worth living and there is so much to do and experience, it’s wonderful,” she said with a straight face.

This totally sounds like the interview Patsy Stone envisioned giving to Hello! magazine on Ab Fab before she had the acid peel. You know, where the picture is of her wearing workout gear and holding a bottle of Perrier. Fastforward to 5:58. Or hell, watch the whole thing. It’s that good.

Vodpod videos no longer available.
more about “Absolutely Fabulous – Hospital 3/3“, posted with vodpod

Lohan also adds that she wants to help other people with their drug problems. By relieving them of their drugs and doing them herself. She’s all about sacrificing for others. She’s kind of like Jesus. If Jesus was a trashy, self-involved, highly delusional cocaine addict.

What? WHAT?!?

February 18, 2010

By the looks of things, this one has kids. You can just tell by the tired ponytail AND THE “DICKEATER” GAME JERSEY. In twelve years, there’s going to be a whirly-eyed little purse snatcher cooking something up in a spoon and laughing with his “I just needed the money, it was only one time”-talking sister about “Ma’s ‘Dick Eater’ shirt.”

As noted, this is from People of Wal-Mart. It was so appalling that I had to comment. I’m more of a Tarjhay lad myself, but it’s always good to see what’s happening across town. Apparently what’s happening is that dignity is a foreign land. Unless this is Photoshopped, and my hat’s off to you if so.

This also reminds me of something that happened in those halcyon days when I eschewed higher learning for a life less ordinary – namely working shitty jobs and trying to achieve coma status through drinking and pills. I worked at an auto auction and Monday was the big auction day when we would hire temps to assist in the office while we tried to get titles off of incredibly shifty sellers who would trade in cars with fresh hemoglobin stains in their trunks. One of these temporary ladies, we’ll call her Rosario, was very friendly and perky and quick to lend a hand. Her grasp of English wasn’t that great (she still sounded more intelligible than Penelope Cruz) but she got along. She also gave one of the most nonsensical, yet greatest responses to a coworker’s problem that I have ever heard.

Coworker 1 is complaining of chest pains and rubbing her breastbone. She is standing beside the mammoth copier while Rosario is loading paper into it and I am probably avoiding work and just hanging around being a nuisance.

Coworker 1: Ow, my chest hurts. Like in the bone.

Me: You ok? Indigestion?

Coworker 1: No, it’s in the muscle or something…

Me: Oh, that’s weird, maybe you’re getting a cold…(ed. note – cause I’m a doctor…)

Rosario looks up at this point.

Coworker 1: Do you ever get chest pains like that, Rosario?

Rosario (cheerfully): Oh, no! All I ever do is suck dick!

Yeah, I don’t know either, but she totally won that day.