Archive for the ‘I’m the worst.’ Category

Temp Diary, Final Day (1)

March 19, 2015

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The man in slush-dirtied Kenneth Cole knock-offs trudged through the industrial park. The Cup O’ Noodles clutched in his angry, defeated, ashamed, rueful hand followed. Or something to that Stephen King’s The Gunslinger series effect.

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This Is What I Get For Going To See ‘Transformers: Age Of Extinction’

July 1, 2014

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Here’s a personal truth – I like big, stupid, ridiculous, blockbuster action flicks. If your movie has intensive CGI, theater-shaking explosions, martial arts, motorcycle chases, evil women who kill, spaceships, robots, natural disasters, spandexed people with mutant abilities, rocket launchers fired backwards for laughs, or anything that requires sheepish actors to act against a green screen and opposite an “X” made out of tape, there’s a distinct possibility I’m in your theater. This brings us to the Transformers franchise. These are some stupid movies. But they’re BIG, EXPENSIVE, VISUALLY THRILLING stupid movies and the robots transforming from vehicles (and now dinosaurs!) into robots is so thrilling. The fifth grader in me wants all the toys, and wants to be riding in Bumblebee when the Deceptacons attack and Bumblebee has to quick change to a robot and I go flying through the air and over a bridge and HE CATCHES ME and sparks and crashes and he turns back into a car and I’m safe! The CGI that James Cameron-lite director Michael Bay provides is top notch, and I can honestly say that the Transformers flick prior to this weekend’s Transformers: Age of Extinction had some of the loveliest and movie-experience enhancing 3D I’ve ever experienced. So, yeah, dumb movies.

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How Being A Messy Eater Makes You Socially Unacceptable (9:49 AM, Near Kendall Square)

September 18, 2012

Time: 9:49 AM
Place: Off of Kendall Square

Sleep last night wasn’t happening, whether because of wedding worries or Scotty constantly putting the dog in our bed and then going to watch TV and the dog wanting to be with Scotty so it has to wake me up to get him to Scotty. Go fuck yourself, Cooper. Anyway, all I could think about during my MBTA commute was:

A) a medium hot tea with skim and three Splenda
B) the can of Diet Pepsi I was going to shotgun once I got to work (gay internet sex workers get free soda, it’s a perk and something to drink while you’re praying the next set of pics you have to look at doesn’t include a prolapsed rectum)

and I’m setting the next one apart so you realize it’s importance…

C) A COFFEE CAKE MUFFIN FROM DUNKIE’S

I got my muffin, but it was ruined due to me having the mobile table manners of a feral child. Read on.

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Open For Business

June 29, 2012

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I’m toying with blogging again. I’ve had lots of therapy. Hopefully my block is cleared. I’m just not sure what to write about. Little vignettes about my day? Even typing that made me want to shear off my face with something sharp. Posts about my hatred of things? I could write about celebrity bullshit, but did you guys know Michael K. at DListed hired me out of the blue to cover for him when he’s got the clap and it’s affecting his laptop? How fucking huge was that for my ass? So whenever there’s a holiday or he has a flare-up, it looks like I’ll be over there handling famous douche. I hope. FUCK, what if he decides I suck? That last thought was why I see a therapist once a week. Anyway, thay was a fucking dream come true. And ironic, seeing as in the post where I closed this blog, I noted that he was a way better writer than I am. Still true, but if you can’t beat em – beat them off.

I could post secrets people told me, but thinly veil them. SHROUD THEM. So “fucked his husband” becomes “got that used on Craigslist.” 

The posts about what I saw on the T were pretty popular. But now I pay for parking. Did you guys know I work with my future husband…

OH SHIT, THIS COULD BE A TOTALLY BORING BLOG ABOUT HOW I’M GETTING MARRIED IN OCTOBER. It could be like one of those bride blogs where I tell you about how the sand in that centerpiece was imported from Revere Beach. Smokin’ butts. Tannin’.

I need to keep my peabrain busy, so I guess I’ll just post about whatever strikes my fancy. Here’s where I make a promise to myself (I PROMISE TO TRY, BUT IT FEELS LIKE A LIE. I still think Like A Prayer is her best album.) to post once a week. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH. That’ll happen. 

Has anyone had Mrs. Fields cookies that come individually wrapped in a box. Shit, those are good.

I need a new banner. I am taking submissions.

Closed Until Further Notice (Obviously)

April 27, 2011

Hi. As you’ve probably noticed, I sorta stopped updating my blog. I have excuses! Plenty of em’. Here’s some:

1) I’m really lazy.
2) I have a problem with depression which affects any motivation I have.
3) I really don’t care about celebrity gossip. I didn’t even care about it when I was getting paid to care about it. I just seem to have a really good memory structure to house stupid facts about vacuous assholes who stumbled on to fame and fortune due to genetics.
4) This wasn’t making me any money, and I wasn’t sure how to monetize it so it would.
5) Blogs like DListed and WWTDD do this sort of thing way better.
6) What? I’m not getting down on myself! I’m a pretty good writer, and fairly amusing. But sometimes I think my humor is forced and a riffing a little too much on other people’s.
7) I had some serious job crazy in the last couple of years. I got laid off my blogging gig, lived in jobless terror for 7 months (which time I should have spent making this blog all kinds of awesome and I didn’t really try), got a job, lived in job terror for close to a year (insane boss), got fired, and then got my current job at the purveyor of gay sex headquarters. Which I hated at first, but then I got a promotion and I love it. Seriously, I look at dudes all day, can look at porn all I want for “work reasons,” I work in probably the most gay-friendly environment ever except for maybe a dildo shop in SF, I get to social media-ize and write all day long…it’s just fun and I look forward to what the day brings. I don’t think I found my calling, but it’s a helluva place to hang out until (if ever) I do.

Those are kind of all the reasons I can think of. Maybe I’ll check in now and then but it’s not looking that way. I will keep it up and open, though. So – yay?

There IS good news. I recently began writing a good portion of the Manhunt Daily. So if you want to follow what I’m up to…here’s the link – http://www.manhuntdaily.com. If you liked this blog, then you will enjoy the Gay Ass Gossip feature. I’ll also be doing some tv recapping this summer, so stay tuned for that.

I’ll also be writing the blog for BigBearDen, coming soon. http://www.bigbearden.com

And if you’re a HUGE J. Harvey fan, here’s where the rest of my day job happens:

http://www.facebook.com/manhunt
http://www.facebook.com/dlistcom
http://www.facebook.com/BigBearDen

Note: A good portion of those (specifically the Manhunt Daily) are COMPLETELY homosexual in nature and very NSFW. You’ve been warned.

Anyway, that’s that. I’m sure I will see you again soon. I love you.