Boring. But nice ass. For a lady.
You were supposed to end up with Liz Lemon. Dick.
Note: I know for a fact that I have two straight guy readers. So every once in awhile, I need to put some tail up on the screen to thank them for putting up with this much gayness. This one’s for you, Gerard and Justin.
Ok, so Jennifer Aniston is like a purse made out of popsicle sticks that your daughter made. Real fucking boring but everyone feels they have to coo over her and go “awww…” because a long time ago a smoldering seductress devil worshipping knife fan mysteria stole her man. But that was aeons ago. It’s been awhile. So what else is there here?
She was good on Friends (she has pretty good comedic timing) but since then has done mostly bullshit movies where she meets the right guy in a flower shop but can’t connect with him because she has colitis or some shit (literally). Not as hate-worthy as Owen Wilson or his ilk (actors who do every movie possible, or the same movie over and over, FUCKING MARMADUKE?!?!), but just…why are you still here? The other thing about her is that all her relationships are public and with other celebrities and she inevitably gets dumped so she comes off as pathetic. Her celebrity aura is PATHETIC. It’s a sickly yellow, and empty ice cream cartons orbit it.
But now Showbiz Spy sez that Aniston has hooked up with Floyd from 30 Rock. It’s sticking in my craw for some reason. I like Floyd. I know he married someone else other than Liz Lemon, but whenever he came on the screen to romance Liz, I kinda went “I never noticed it on SNL, but he’s sorta…cute.” He’s one of those thumb-looking guys (before you hate on me, so am I…if Paul Giamatti was a thumb…does anyone have a gas oven I can stick my oversized melon in?) but likable and cutesy.
Anyway, he’s divorced in real life and Popsicle Stick Purse met him on the set of her latest bullshit movie.
When Jen found out he was going through a break-up late last year, she made the effort to invite Jason over for dinner in case he was feeling lonely or down. They talked for hours and really opened up to each other. After a while, Jen realized she missed him in-between dates. She finds him hilarious. He is just what Jen needs — a solid, low key, funny man. It’s early days, but she’s quietly thrilled.
“Quietly thrilled” is how I feel whenever Angie’s strange ass and Aniston are both at the same event and despite Aniston trying to appear like she doesn’t give a fuck and Angie occupied by thinking about adopting more children or buying a new ornamental dagger to hide in a holster on her thigh, their eyes meet for a second and the sound from Kill Bill whenever Uma Thurman sees one of her targets starts howling in Aniston’s head and she sees red. THAT’S “quietly thrilled” for me. That and spicy tuna rolls from Beni in Quincy.
This post ended up in a weird place. It was just an expression of my dismay over Floyd from 30 Rock ending up in the same line-up as douchebag John Mayer and sleazy-ass Gerard Butler. He just seems too cutesy to be in the “I Eventually Dumped Jennifer Aniston” Club.
Note: His actual name is Jason Sudeikis but I know him better as Floyd from 30 Rock.