Archive for the ‘LOOK AT ME!’ Category

Lindsay Lohan Out One Lawyer, Teaching Civics Now

July 9, 2010

Professor Lindsay.

This bitch here. Your Lindsay Lohan is a spoiled cunt update is now available for download. So Lohan’s lawyer got tired of all the leggings sweat, traces of cocaine cut with baby laxative, and crusts of psychotic delusion Lindsay would leave around the office and in her lawyer-type Escalade. So she has parted ways with her client. TMZ says that when they contacted Shawn Chapman Holley‘s office, she told their asses that she and Lindsay were over.

Lohan’s preferred method of communication (besides Twitter, god love her) is now nail sculpture. So maybe legal eagle Holley flashed her own fuckfinger at Lindsay with the digit-ized message of “get new counsel, crazy bitch” at her.

You know Lindsay’s Dad has already tried to contact her (throwing a note tied to a brick through her window) to offer his legal services.

And Lindsay apparently thinks that her civil rights are being violated because she’s being sent to prison. Bitch thinks she’s the Rosa Parks of lawfully prosecuted drunk-driving, multiple probation violating coke whores! Lindsay will NOT be sent to the back of the bus! She Twittered this mess this other night. There’s some other bullshit, too. I think her Twitter should be renamed #Some Other Bullshit.

It is clearly stated in Article 5 of the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights that, “No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.”

There really is our world and then the glorious world in her head that caters solely to Lindsay Lohan, huh? In her world, there should be parades in support of her skank ass and the Miami Heat should be looking to sign her.

Lindsay’s Parents Upholding The Family Tradition Of “Whorish Moron”

July 7, 2010

I'd rather have Fred and Rosemary West as parents (look it up)...

Ooh, is anyone else hung over from the Lindsay Is Going To Jail party? I am. I think someone slipped me a roofie right after our third viewing of I Know Who Killed Me, and I woke up with the Duff sisters on top of me. You know those old-school tween stars raised a glass last night cuz’ bitch went down!

As expected, Dina Lohan acted her usual enabling stagemom “who’s gonna float me my Xanax money?” self yesterday when Lohan’s tearbombs burst as she heard she was going to do a bid and Dina heard the verdict. Here’s what Popeater says she said:

“This is so not fair to do this to my child,” a flabbergasted Dina Lohan told PopEater exclusively shortly after Judge Marsha Revel made the announcement.

Come again? Fair?!?!

Someone on Facebook mentioned that they sorta kinda felt bad for Lindsay because it’s fairly obvious this aging hag supported her ass by building the “you can do anything you want, you’re Supergirl, now sign this check for Mommy” scaffolding around her. Which made her a sociopath. Frankly, I think that as an adult, you can’t blame your shithead behavior on your parents. There is something called “responsibility.” RiRi Harvey once made me wear Chinese knock-off Nikes from Building #19 with the swish REVERSED and in GOLD LAME (they would be so hot nowadays) to school and I haven’t raped a nun, yet. Although it totally made me like boys…

But nevertheless it IS obvious that Lohan had next to no chance to even OBSERVE how a normal adult carries themselves while growing up. Not that it excuses anything. I wouldn’t excuse her from the Sarlac pit at this point, she’s so awful.

Oh, and don’t think Manic Mike Lohan didn’t show his crazy self outside the courtroom. Firstly, word is he tried to barge INTO the courtroom during the proceedings to attempt to read some sort of statement on behalf on Lindsay. Keep in mind that his entire estranged family wants nothing to do with him, and he is INSERTING himself into the center for attention. This is a grown-ass man. And check this out:

While he declined to issue a comment following the sentencing (ed. note – he must have had food in his mouth or something), his spokeswoman baffled reporters when she urged Lohan to report to rehab immediately, apparently unaware the actress must first go to jail. When corrected by an onlooker, the unidentified rep said the rehab portion of the ruling was “a great victory” for the Lohan family.

So basically, even their EMPLOYEES are crackers. Then again, this was probably some slut he met down the pub and declared her his “spokeswoman.” Right?

Insanity Is Funny. And Scary. And Funny.

June 29, 2010

“Want to go shopping?” “Not really.” So this queen is RARIN’ to get into this Toronto mall, which was apparently closed due to the riots happening in protest to the G20 summit. When he encounters some locked doors…..well, all bets are off as he unleashes a torrent of bellowing and demands to know why he isn’t being allowed to mall walk his ass around the place.

Is it really that serious, I asked myself when I first watched this? Then when he turned around and his crazy hard boiled egg eyes alighted on the cameraman, I knew it wasn’t a case of perceived injustice. It was a case of “this mo’ snapped quite some time ago and this is just the latest chapter in his wackjob epic.” Seriously, this is a workplace shooter-type individual. You don’t eff with that guy, you merely hide your smirk behind your hand and keep walking.

You know someone is round’ the bend plumb loco when even the dick children behind him kinda shrug and give up on mocking him. His insanity outlasts “brat.” There’s no shame in this fruit bat’s game.

Update – The original has been taken down (hey, if this crazy came to your house with a Taser in a shopping bag demanding you stop sullying his image, you would take it down, too). But please enjoy the remix.

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Your Justin Bieber Update: The Parents (Because You Know You Got The Bieba Feva)

June 26, 2010
No, not the one in the bejeweled turban...

No, not the one in the bejeweled turban...

Ok, I totally don’t understand the Justin Bieber thing because he’s 3, but I do understand tween/teen fanaticism because it’s totally how I felt about (old-school) Johnny Quest when I was five. Seriously, the turtleneck…the twink haircut….I was down for it. I was crying and screaming and holding signs at our TV. Plus, the Bieberdom is starting to yield some interesting shit…notably that his parents are getting yanked into the tween idol maelstrom and we all know that never works out.

Exhibit A:

*side-eye*

*side-eye*

Exhibit B:

Ok, Lindsay is really only an idol to crackheads at this point, but here's her mom. Who obviously isn't helping matters...

Ok, Lindsay is really only an idol to crackheads at this point, but here's her mom. Who obviously isn't helping matters...

Point is – Justin’s dad has his own website, complete with plenty of topless photos. And Playboy has reportedly offered Justin’s moms 50K to show off her tatters. SCORE!

(more…)

This Was An Actual Conversation.

June 25, 2010

You can probably guess that I used this pic because Miley is dressed like Jesus Christ playing guitar in a field.

You can probably guess that I used this pic because Miley is dressed like Jesus Christ playing guitar in a field.

So this week was kinda full of running around and sweating a lot (“Africa hot” – seriously, I am so grody that I sweat through my Ponang chair from IKEA yesterday. This is not a joke, this not a hoax. Fuck summer.) and dropping the blogging ball so I hopped on Google reader and found this gem. Miley Cyrus doesn’t like vampires. And E! NEEDED to let the cast of Twilight know at the premiere of Eclipse last night in LA. More importantly, did the Twihard Tent City people hear this and try to track Miley’s fauxmosexual ass down? Who knew they could hate someone more than Bella?

R.Pattz says he has a simple idea to get the “Can’t Be Tamed” singer to come over to the fang side. He laughed, “It’s so obvious—just watch Eclipse.”

Musclehead (ed. note – that’s funny that he gets that description, someone at E! wants out) Lautner doesn’t care if Cyrus is hating on vamps. “She doesn’t need to like vampires,” he said. “As long as she likes werewolves, we’re cool.”

Stewart was a bit surprised to hear Cyrus dislikes our favorite creatures of the night . “She does?” Stewart asked wide-eyed when we broke the sad news to her. “Is she scared of them or does she just not like them?”

Ok, I need to break this up now. Because I am stupider for having read that, let alone copied, pasted, bolded and italicized it. I have probably pained my two readers who have read this far. You have my apologies. I am truly sorry. We are all dumber for me having done this. I am gaping at how vapid and horrible the celebrity machine is. Oh, but one more tidbit. Kristen Stewart couldn’t resist interjecting herself into Miley’s place. She is a grouchy palomino who will not be tamed!

Whatever the reason, Stewart said, “I don’t think you should convince people of something if they already have their way of thinking about. Whatever—if she hates vampires, that’s cool.”

I don’t know what’s worse. Miley Cyrus hating vampires and the reaction of FAKE VAMPIRES to it is a news story or that none of these people (including the person who wrote this story and myself) have been hired as suicide bombers.

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Gone Too Soon: An Amanda Bynes Career Retrospective

June 21, 2010

Is it REALLY a coup to look like a kumquat? Really?

Is it REALLY a coup to look like a kumquat? Really?

No, Penny Pingleton ain’t dead. But she did launch a thousand screaming sobs and God-cursing dives onto the coffin when she recently Twittered that she has left acting for good. Amanda Bynes, star of…that show with Kelly Taylor from 90210, and didn’t she have some sort of comedy thing on Nickelodeon when she was little…and uh, I think she foolishly re-did that awesome 80s movie where the girl poses as a dude in high school to like, uncover sexism (cuz’ no one noticed it before) and falls in love with the rebel. *tentatively* That was it, right? I mean it’s Amanda fucking Bynes. It’s not like Vanessa Redgrave has tapped out here. Oh, and she played Penny Pingleton. Mandy, no!

I’ve never written the movies & tv shows I’ve been apart of I’ve only acted like the characters the producers or directors wanted me to play
6:58 AM Jun 19th via web

Being an actress isn’t as fun as it may seem
6:59 AM Jun 19th via web

If I don’t love something anymore I stop doing it
7:47 AM Jun 19th via web

I don’t love acting anymore so I’ve stopped doing it
7:48 AM Jun 19th via web

I know 24 is a young age to retire but you heard it here first I’ve #retired
7:50 AM Jun 19th via web

Well, that’s it folks. Bynes out. You know Amanda doesn’t….wait…wow….jesus christ, look at that pic. That bitch is ORANGE. Remember back in the Marie Antoinette era when women wanted to be as pale as possible because it meant they didn’t work out in the fields? That script got flipped, huh?

For more of Amanda’s performing prowess, fast forward to 1:15. Uta Hagen herself couldn’t have gotten more emphasis out of “SeeWUHED!”

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You ARE Beautiful Enough To Do What You Want, Snooki.

June 21, 2010
I'd duck.

I'd duck.

Radar is getting ALL the good shit lately. So you probably know the gnome depicted above, she’s Snooki from Jersey Shore! She’s the one who sucks pickles, gets punched in the face by steroid insane drunk dudes, and totally got burned by Tim Burton when she wasn’t cast in this role. Seriously, is her last name Roy?

Word is that Snookie got her Bump-It in a twist at SL in NYC on Wednesday night, threw a drink at the bouncer, and then uttered this gem. This sparkly, sparkly, bauble of awesome.

“I’m a f**king star, beautiful enough to do what I want!”

Jesus, that did me right. This is so the line I’m using next time at the ATM, the barroom, my dry cleaners, or at your local grocer. I need to ask RiRi Harvey if I was using this line at age six out on the playground when some dolt cut in line for the slide. Picture a sassy little large-headed munchkin with his hand on his hip interrupting Four Square with THAT pronouncement.

Anyway, Snookie was scuba diving to the bottom of her drink when she said that and tossed it in the bouncer’s mug for no reason. The best part? Bitches started cracking up at Deep Roy Snooki.

“Everyone just sort of looked at her in shock but then started laughing, including the bouncer!”

She’s so hilarious that they probably let her garden gnome ass keep drinking so she would impart more gems of wisdom on the crowd. Team Snooki over here. How do I get what she said on a vanity plate?

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Perez Hilton Is One Dumb Bitch

June 15, 2010
Please tell me someone punched him after this picture was taken.

Please tell me someone punched him after this picture was taken.

Anytime Karma twists its lips into a sneer and kicks Perez Hilton in the cooch (don’t make an argument that there’s a penis there, we all watched his sobbing Wil.i.am beat me up video), I consider going back to being Catholic and hauling ass to the nearest church to thank Jesus. Because he was dumb enough to allegedly Twitter a link to a photo of Miley Cyrus‘ vagina. And she’s 17. Which means she’s not of age. Which means it was illegal. Which means someone at the LA DA’s office with a particular dislike for his gross ass could pursue this in a court of law. Which means he could go to jail. Which means I could take over, be way (ok, a little) less irritating and ascend to that bitch’s throne. Oh, who am I kidding…it would totally be that slut over at DListed.

From Salon:

“We’re not talking about a misdemeanor,” attorney Jeffrey Douglas told the website. “You don’t have to know what the definition of the law is; all you have to do is knowingly distribute the photograph.”

On Monday night, Hilton posted a video — not a direct response to the photo link, mind you — in which he says that “it’s OK for Miley to be a little sexier, because she’s almost 18.” And on Tuesday afternoon he posted a link to a picture of Miley fully clothed, allegedly “proving” underwear was present because you can see it through her frock.

Which makes it so much more wholesome, as he’s trying to drill to see if a 17-year-old girl has panties on to prove his point. This is one dumb cow. And I don’t mean Miley. She’s a woodchuck. Miley is annoying me lately, but I hope she and her boyfriend father run with this and sue that tub.

Where do I sign the petition to make sure they prosecute him? Then again, this is LA. Lindsay Lohan could fucking behead a nun and throw it at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre while driving past in a stolen car and only catch some community service time which she would ignore.

Oh yeah, and I realize that I do the same thing as Perez does. But I think I’m at least a little more entertaining. And I don’t wear those clothes. Or that wig. Or those hats. Fuck, compared to him I should be receiving some sort of citation for bravery and the key to the city.

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Jennifer Aniston’s A Bore But I’m Sorta Annoyed She Landed Floyd From 30 Rock

June 11, 2010

Boring. But nice ass. For a lady.

Boring. But nice ass. For a lady.


You were supposed to end up with Liz Lemon. Dick.

You were supposed to end up with Liz Lemon. Dick.

Note: I know for a fact that I have two straight guy readers. So every once in awhile, I need to put some tail up on the screen to thank them for putting up with this much gayness. This one’s for you, Gerard and Justin.

Ok, so Jennifer Aniston is like a purse made out of popsicle sticks that your daughter made. Real fucking boring but everyone feels they have to coo over her and go “awww…” because a long time ago a smoldering seductress devil worshipping knife fan mysteria stole her man. But that was aeons ago. It’s been awhile. So what else is there here?

She was good on Friends (she has pretty good comedic timing) but since then has done mostly bullshit movies where she meets the right guy in a flower shop but can’t connect with him because she has colitis or some shit (literally). Not as hate-worthy as Owen Wilson or his ilk (actors who do every movie possible, or the same movie over and over, FUCKING MARMADUKE?!?!), but just…why are you still here? The other thing about her is that all her relationships are public and with other celebrities and she inevitably gets dumped so she comes off as pathetic. Her celebrity aura is PATHETIC. It’s a sickly yellow, and empty ice cream cartons orbit it.

But now Showbiz Spy sez that Aniston has hooked up with Floyd from 30 Rock. It’s sticking in my craw for some reason. I like Floyd. I know he married someone else other than Liz Lemon, but whenever he came on the screen to romance Liz, I kinda went “I never noticed it on SNL, but he’s sorta…cute.” He’s one of those thumb-looking guys (before you hate on me, so am I…if Paul Giamatti was a thumb…does anyone have a gas oven I can stick my oversized melon in?) but likable and cutesy.

Anyway, he’s divorced in real life and Popsicle Stick Purse met him on the set of her latest bullshit movie.

When Jen found out he was going through a break-up late last year, she made the effort to invite Jason over for dinner in case he was feeling lonely or down. They talked for hours and really opened up to each other. After a while, Jen realized she missed him in-between dates. She finds him hilarious. He is just what Jen needs — a solid, low key, funny man. It’s early days, but she’s quietly thrilled.

“Quietly thrilled” is how I feel whenever Angie’s strange ass and Aniston are both at the same event and despite Aniston trying to appear like she doesn’t give a fuck and Angie occupied by thinking about adopting more children or buying a new ornamental dagger to hide in a holster on her thigh, their eyes meet for a second and the sound from Kill Bill whenever Uma Thurman sees one of her targets starts howling in Aniston’s head and she sees red. THAT’S “quietly thrilled” for me. That and spicy tuna rolls from Beni in Quincy.

This post ended up in a weird place. It was just an expression of my dismay over Floyd from 30 Rock ending up in the same line-up as douchebag John Mayer and sleazy-ass Gerard Butler. He just seems too cutesy to be in the “I Eventually Dumped Jennifer Aniston” Club.

Note: His actual name is Jason Sudeikis but I know him better as Floyd from 30 Rock.

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Lady Gaga Goes For “Subtle” At Sister’s Graduation

June 9, 2010
But how did she read the program under that? She's never gonna know who the salutorian is now!

But how did she read the program under that? She's never gonna know who the salutorian is now!

Michael K. over at Dlisted pretty much summed everything up about this picture of Lady Gaga at her sister’s high school graduation in NYC yesterday. Yes, we are all hoping that her little sis asked her to do it up art freak style for her big day. Because that would at least partially excuse this ploy. True, saying “oh no, sweetie, it’s your day, I’ll just wear a simple suit and pearls, it’s YOUR day” would have been preferable. But at the very least it lets her partially off the hook then if she just wore this not realizing she’s basically taken up residence in her own asshole with this move.

But the real reason I wanted to post this was because it TOTALLY reminded me of my FAVORITE wedding horror story. Whether it’s true or not, I have no idea but a former co-worker of mine told it with such relish that I choose to believe it really happened.

She said that she attended a wedding in which the groom’s mom had it in for the bride. Like that Gilmore Girls episode where Emily finds the carbon copy of Trix’s letter to Richard imploring him not to marry her. She was dead set against the wedding, but her hot problems did not make them call it off. So, to silently exhibit her protest…the bitch wore a black dress complete WITH HUGE BLACK HAT AND VEIL. She was walked down the aisle with her face covered by a big black veil as if in morning. Oh yes, it was all about her that day, kids. Horrifying sociopath behavior but I would have laughed all the way through Mass, along cocktail hour, during the toast, on the dance floor, and then finally stopped at the after party. Where I would then have been able to apologize to the bride and commiserate with her pain.

I hope someone wears a black veil to my wedding. I really couldn’t blame anyone in Scotty’s family.

p.s. No, this blog isn’t turning into J. Gaga but there’s nothing else really going on. Well, there’s some kind of oil spill thingy ruining our planet but there’s no glamour in that!

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