Archive for the ‘Marriage Fail’ Category

In Celebration Of Robbie Williams’ “Marriage”

August 9, 2010

Not the bride...

I added those quotes because apparently everyone thinks Robbie is strictly dickly and doing that thing that flaming queens (shut up) do where they “kee kee” behind their hands at the delusion. Robbie Williams is gay?!? How did I miss this? I have long been a fan of the puppy-faced wacky depressed druggie British Lothario and I never once got a shiver of queer from him. What does this say about me? Do I NEED men to be straight so I keep my self-defeating run of crushing on straight morons intact? I need to get to a therapist when I’m denying hot guys are gay! I need to turn inward and explore this crevasse in my psyche.

Oh, so Robbie Williams married some actress named Ayda Field (sounds like a drag name…just sayin’) over the weekend and we give em’ about two months until he’s back at The Abbey in a baseball cap and sunglasses and looking for a right rogering in his arse area.

p.s. Here’s the video for “Rock DJ” which is my favorite Robbie song, and includes him flailing about in bikini briefs, and then skinning himself. Hot. The briefs I mean. What am I – Lorena from True Blood?

That Was Fast: Levi Johnston And Bristol Palin’s Second Engagement Ended The Day They Announced It

August 3, 2010

That kid knew what was up...

Someone get Mercede (Levi smoked the “s” up in his bong) Johnston on the clam and ask her what’s up! Bristol Palin has told People that her second engagement with redneckian Levi Johnston was over before it began. People from Alaska are fickle. Actually, people from Alaska probably want these two dumb muthafuckas to stop repping their state.

“It’s over. I broke up with him,” Bristol Palin tells PEOPLE exclusively of her second try at an engagement to Levi Johnston, father of her 19-month-old son Tripp.

Palin, 19, says the relationship soured on July 14, the very same day they announced their marriage intentions to the world. Palin says he told her that evening he might have fathered a baby with another teenage girl. (Palin did not name the young woman, but a pregnant former girlfriend of Johnston’s has since publicly denied his paternity.)

Alaska’s former gubernatorial teen pregnancy advocate says that Levi was too busy rubbing his balls on the “O” in the Hollywood sign to actually care about getting married. Also, he was a lie-teller. He’s smart enough to tell a convincing lie?

“The final straw was him flying to Hollywood for what he told me was to see some hunting show but come to find out it was that music video mocking my family,” she says. “He’s just obsessed with the limelight and I got played.”

It warms the cockles of my heart that an immediate relative of a former vice-presidential candidate used the phrase “I got played” in a tearful phone call to People magazine. I’m waiting for Levi to call US and ask “what’s good, pa?”

Sarah Palin released some bullshit statement that I can’t even bother to highlight…and copy…and paste but it was blah blah blah Bristol is special and her heart will go on. As for Bristol, she wants to find “someone who has religious beliefs and a good family.” Um, HELLO! YOU HAD SOMEONE WHO HAS A GOOD FAMILY! You need to remember the hotness you HAD in your immediate area before you got on the rag!

Groundbreaking Lesbian Performers Who Later Got Breast Cancer And Survived Can Be Cold-Ass Bitches, Too

July 5, 2010
Don't get too cozy, I totally have my eye on Jillian Michaels...

Don't get too cozy, I totally have my eye on Jillian Michaels...

Melissa Etheridge, normally the picture of easy-going graciousness and down-home sweetness and bravery, apparently has an icebox for a heart when it comes to offloading the ladies. Her ex Tammy Lynn Michaels (remember how hot she was as Nicole Julian on Popular?) says that Melissa blindsided her with divorce papers and has left her penniless. Yes I Am…..Moving On To The Next Vagina And Leaving You Toe-Up, indeed, Missa!

Tammy Baby has a blog (smart girl) and on it, she posts Rosie O’Donnell-esque poetry spurts about how her life has been going since she and Melissa did the splits. And the resounding themes are “not very well” and “Melissa sucks.”

SMACK!!!!!!!!!!!!
FILE FOR DIVORCE!!!!!!
even though we both promised
agreed
handshook
pinkyswore

no filing until after tour
in the fall

her broken promises
told to me by
headlines

i’m raising the kids
doing what i can
second set of yours

could you stop blind sighting me?

unless it’s another art form you’re working on?

(more…)

The Scariest Picture I’ve Ever Seen: Tom Brady’s New Hairpiece

June 15, 2010
Um....

Um....

Do you-? I….not sure. Why would….can someone….? Maybe his wife….

We are NEVER going to win another Superbowl.

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Jennifer Aniston’s A Bore But I’m Sorta Annoyed She Landed Floyd From 30 Rock

June 11, 2010

Boring. But nice ass. For a lady.

Boring. But nice ass. For a lady.


You were supposed to end up with Liz Lemon. Dick.

You were supposed to end up with Liz Lemon. Dick.

Note: I know for a fact that I have two straight guy readers. So every once in awhile, I need to put some tail up on the screen to thank them for putting up with this much gayness. This one’s for you, Gerard and Justin.

Ok, so Jennifer Aniston is like a purse made out of popsicle sticks that your daughter made. Real fucking boring but everyone feels they have to coo over her and go “awww…” because a long time ago a smoldering seductress devil worshipping knife fan mysteria stole her man. But that was aeons ago. It’s been awhile. So what else is there here?

She was good on Friends (she has pretty good comedic timing) but since then has done mostly bullshit movies where she meets the right guy in a flower shop but can’t connect with him because she has colitis or some shit (literally). Not as hate-worthy as Owen Wilson or his ilk (actors who do every movie possible, or the same movie over and over, FUCKING MARMADUKE?!?!), but just…why are you still here? The other thing about her is that all her relationships are public and with other celebrities and she inevitably gets dumped so she comes off as pathetic. Her celebrity aura is PATHETIC. It’s a sickly yellow, and empty ice cream cartons orbit it.

But now Showbiz Spy sez that Aniston has hooked up with Floyd from 30 Rock. It’s sticking in my craw for some reason. I like Floyd. I know he married someone else other than Liz Lemon, but whenever he came on the screen to romance Liz, I kinda went “I never noticed it on SNL, but he’s sorta…cute.” He’s one of those thumb-looking guys (before you hate on me, so am I…if Paul Giamatti was a thumb…does anyone have a gas oven I can stick my oversized melon in?) but likable and cutesy.

Anyway, he’s divorced in real life and Popsicle Stick Purse met him on the set of her latest bullshit movie.

When Jen found out he was going through a break-up late last year, she made the effort to invite Jason over for dinner in case he was feeling lonely or down. They talked for hours and really opened up to each other. After a while, Jen realized she missed him in-between dates. She finds him hilarious. He is just what Jen needs — a solid, low key, funny man. It’s early days, but she’s quietly thrilled.

“Quietly thrilled” is how I feel whenever Angie’s strange ass and Aniston are both at the same event and despite Aniston trying to appear like she doesn’t give a fuck and Angie occupied by thinking about adopting more children or buying a new ornamental dagger to hide in a holster on her thigh, their eyes meet for a second and the sound from Kill Bill whenever Uma Thurman sees one of her targets starts howling in Aniston’s head and she sees red. THAT’S “quietly thrilled” for me. That and spicy tuna rolls from Beni in Quincy.

This post ended up in a weird place. It was just an expression of my dismay over Floyd from 30 Rock ending up in the same line-up as douchebag John Mayer and sleazy-ass Gerard Butler. He just seems too cutesy to be in the “I Eventually Dumped Jennifer Aniston” Club.

Note: His actual name is Jason Sudeikis but I know him better as Floyd from 30 Rock.

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I Can’t Believe I’m Writing About Gary Coleman, But His Widow Is Acting The Fool

June 7, 2010
The look on his face says it all. This might have been a suicide.

The look on his face says it all. This might have been a suicide.

As some of you are aware (despite Blanche Devereaux’s untimely passing eclipsing it like a parasol hides the face of a demure Southern belle, ok, bad analogy), Gary Coleman died. And it’s sad, because he died as sort of a running pop culture joke. A former child star who wanted to remain relevant but was only still popular because he was a former child star who wanted to remain relevant. And a former child star who would get into public fights with people mocking him, and marry publicity-thirsty slags (check the photo), and refuse to say “Whatchoo talkin’ bout, America?” when prodded. Who can blame him for wanting to hang onto his last shred of dignity, right?

Anyway, Gary’s ex-wife Shannon Price is some kinda bitch, because she is on an Arnold Drummond death tour and looking for scraps. And by scraps, I mean as much money as she can squeeze out of the little man’s death. The little man who, by the way, died sort of mysteriously after hitting his head during a fall at their home (supposedly it was a seizure?). You know this bitch tried to bite him with those monster chiclets and he was running away when he fell!

Anyway, Big Red took her clown act to Good Morning America this morning and continued to elude class and dignity by insisting that she was going to re-marry Gary (she wasn’t named in the will and they were divorced despite living together) and had nothing to do with his death. Oh, and during the interview, E! reports that she briefly halted it to fake a seizure. Girrrrllllll……

(more…)

Sandy Bullock Is Classy (No Joke)

June 7, 2010
Ok, maybe I got just a slight boner off this...

Ok, maybe I got just a slight boner off this...

Here’s Sandy Bullock making her second (she appeared at some guys’ awards show that isn’t as popular first) public appearance since her Nazi went and found his ass a new Eva Braun at the MTV Movie Awards last night.

Here’s the clip:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about "‘Can We Please Go Back to Normal?’", posted with vodpod

So she wants normalcy. Can’t blame her. Also, Betty White makes ovary jokes. Even better. Can Betty White just talk about her inner workings at every awards show? I would much rather hear about her downstairs at length than ever see Kristen Stewart’s grouch ass again.

Sandy IS class. Because I would have gotten up there and discussed everything from Jesse James’ butt acne to that Nazi hooker’s Easy Bake gas chamber for Jews in her basement. I would have gone off on penis size, breath, how he married me for money, how she obviously came out of a crack pipe, etc. There woulda been a big fucking reckoning on that stage. Ryan Reynolds would have cried into his abs a little from the ferocity. But Sandy doesn’t play it that way. (Although I liked when she asked Scarjo why she was there. It’s sort of what I ask about her when I see her in flicks except Ghost World and well, see the last paragraph).

I really love her. Her movies are eh, but good to go see with RiRi Harvey or watch while hungover on a Saturday afternoon before leaving to get drunk again. She just radiates America. And when I say America, I mean laid back, good people who just want to do their job and live their life and get along. Do you know what I’m saying?

Ok, granted, she is up there mostly because people feel bad for her that the thug she married ended up with every Neo-Nazi hosebag and tattoo parlor taxi dancer slut in this hemisphere. And she has more money than God. I am such a naive douche, she probably has the best PR person and media coach money can buy. Who am I kidding? She probably keeps slaves.

Oh, and as you will see – Sandy plants one on Scarjo. I felt absolutely nothing, but then again, I want to see Joey Fatone make out with the cute guy from Stargate Universe. I don’t watch that show. I just know there’s a cute guy and I don’t mean Richie Valens or the psycho from Trainspotting.

Oh, say hey and by the way. I know Iron Man 2 was a letdown for a lot of bitches. But that scene in which Scarjo spider defeats every gunman in the building was so very hot. I would actually buy the DVD to watch that one again and again. It almost (but not quite) reached the level of the Hit Girl in the library hallway with the guns scene for me. I am nerd, hear me roar.

p.s. Reader Christo supplied me with this gem. God, I look amazing. You know I already own that get-up.

J. Harvey make good sexy Russian superspy, no?

J. Harvey make good sexy Russian superspy, no?

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Get Her!

June 5, 2010
I love you way more than Daddy does.

I love you way more than Daddy does.

So Kate Gosselin and her child junta will once again grace TLC in a new special called Kate Plus 8 Minus Fucktard Still Cunty. The actual title is Kate Plus 8 but see what I did there? Anyway, People has a sneak preview and Kate takes her kids to the Everglades for a vacation? Check the adventure!

What else is in store for Kate and the kids on Sunday’s show? More close encounters with creatures — they’ll feed sting rays and exotic birds and swim with dolphins — as well as some tasty treats. They’ll participate in an orange juice squeezing contest and eat birthday cake, of course!

It’s the kids’ sixth birthday celebration. Uh, have you heard of a place called Disney, Mom? Cuz’ raping hillbillies in swamp shacks on stilts and deadly water moccasins are not my idea of awesome birthday times! Alexis needs to drop her a note or something!

Anyway, they go on one of those Everglades tours that I will never ever be a part of because of my fear of reptiles. Here’s Kate’s battle with an alligator. The alligator needs to get on the stick and handle this business! But it’s too damn lazy! Couldn’t someone have put some raw meat on Kate’s head?

Oh, and my kingdom for the ability to make one of those gif things of Kate imitating what the alligator sounded like when it supposedly threatened her. “AWWHEHHHH!” Say it again, Kate! “AWWEHHHH!!” That’s the sound Jon makes when he squeezes into his Ed Hardy shirts and prays that coke dick won’t mess up his swingin’ new bachelor lifestyle again.

In other news, it’s wrong that I miss Kate’s angry cockatoo hairstyle, right?

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Sandy Bullock? I’m Sorry, Baby. You Don’t Deserve This Shit.

March 24, 2010
I'd totally go chola too if my husband fucked around on me without my say-so. Find that bitch and use yo razor, Sandy.

I'd totally go chola too if my husband fucked around on me without my say-so. Find that bitch and use yo razor, Sandy.

As you may have heard by now, Sandra Bullock has passed on attending the international premieres of her Oscar-winning (I’m trying to get over that one, although I’m happy Sandy won that jam, she’s Sandy and you can’t not like her despite some of her shitty movie choices…) flick The Blind Side. And you know the reason why, too. Her husband, West Coast Choppers reality dude Jesse James, has been fucking everyone under the sun including Nazis (no joke) and various stripper freaks. Why you gotta do Sandy like that, Jess?

Sandy Bullock is one of those celebrities who I can’t help liking. I don’t know, she just never triggered my celebrity gag reflex. She seems like your cool aunt or the chick at work that you can go for a pint with and tell her about the time the plumber caught you whacking off. She’s been in several thousand middle of the road movies (God, I could watch 28 Days every weekend for the rest of my life…it’s that bad/good, like a cinematic Hershey’s kiss, plus I think I want to be Jasper when I grow up despite him being a total wanker – “I’m sorry I make it so hard to love me!” WAH!) and just made America feel content. She’s attractive but non-threatening. Angelina seems like the kind of girl who you would find having sex with your hot mom, Nicole Kidman looks like candle wax, Jennifer Aniston is completely boring and pathetic and no one’s sure why she keeps making movie after movie because no one goes to them but Sandy is just..nice. She does her job and lives her life.

When she ended up married to the scary (but sorta hot before he ended up being a prick fiend) Jesse James, it was kind of a huh? But hey, stranger things have happened (did ya see Britanny Murphy’s husband? Tell me drugs didn’t kill her ass.) A Beauty and the Beast sitch, one can see Jesse wiping grease off his mitts on his jeans as Sandy brings a couple of beers out to the garage and he sweeps her in her arms and she laughs and hey..cool relationship.

Then THIS strumpet with the Nazi fetish and this other slattern came forward to snatch that cash with tales of Jesse lubing up his crank shaft and inserting it into their retread caverns. Sigh. That’s a real downer. Best Actress Oscar curse aside (Kate Winslet took awhile to dump her hubby, btw, so not sure it’s a curse up there with the cast of Poltergeist dying horribly), it really puts a damper on this non-Hollywoodish Hollywood couple love story.

I feel for Sandy. The girl showed up to collect her Razzie in person the same week she won the Oscar. She’s a class act. So she makes movies about FBI agents who become beauty queens, and stalkers who comedically fall down wells. She’s nice. Sandy, if you need a friend, you know how to find me.

“Abused” Jon Gosselin Says Bad Hair Lady Stole His Wedding Band

September 8, 2009

jon gosselin

He’s driving that thing with his fupa. I have tried to avoid writing about the Gosselins as much as possible because they don’t interest me that much and why give two media hungry dolts the press dildoing they so obviously crave. Plus, her hair makes me uneasy. But when someone comes right out and says how they feel and stops beating around the bush (aka Kate’s flat than spiky tufts of gross) – I take notice!

Jon Gosselin, the doughy manboy star of Jon and Kate Plus 8, has given an interview to Good Morning America in which he spills everything he’s been keeping tamped down under those shitty Ed Hardy shirts he’s been sporting around the pools of Vegas.

People reports that Jon claims he was “abused” by Kate verbally, that she ganked his wedding ring (as well she should, it could fetch something on Ebay), and that he “despises” her.

That last part is hot because it just took this bitch to a whole new level. Once you come right out and say how you feel, all bets are off. She’s going to free that bodyguard she’s effing out from under her scare hair and send him after Jon Dough.

Those eight chillun are already rolling their eyes at Mom and Dad. Alexis isn’t feeling this drama. Abuse? She’s abusing all of us with that sour face and that thing on her head. She’s abusing us all like Sybil’s mom kicking her down the stairs and locking her in the basket with the purple crayon!

Gosselin is serious about his accusation that wife for now Kate snatched up his wedding band when he was checking out the babysitter or whatever.

Almost as bad, he says, she stole his wedding band. He put down the ring one day only to have it disappear – and Kate’s the only person who could have taken it, he says.

She does strike me as the kind of ho who would get vindictive. Then again, in her defense (! I know..), if I saw this tubby bitch squeezed into gross Ed Hardy shirts and running around with Michael Lohan to parties on every coast, I’d be heisting his personal jewelry as well. Why don’t you bring the kids to your Rock of Love times, Jon? Perhaps the 23-year-old meth addict with the french tips and bleached porn star asshole can watch the younger ones. Big piece of douche nugget on a chaise lounger at Wet Republic. Ergh.

89933832EM025_Jon_Gosselin_

I will say this, though. You ever seen this dude look that happy on their show?

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