Archive for the ‘My eyes!’ Category

These Bitches Are Awful

July 14, 2010

AAIEEEEEHHHHHH! MY ENERGGGGYYYYYY!!!!


There needs to be shame in this game.


This is the old prostitution whore table flip pic, but for serious, is it a badly applied lacefront wig?

And I know she’s only a mean teen, but I think Ashley is the worst. Anyway, so the other night Bravo showed the eagerly awaited part 2 to the fashion show/country club/my Chinchilla mini-jacket from Paterson, New Jersey is waiting to kill you, Danielle, you BITCH! episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. And shit was effed up!

It was sort of everything you pray for in a gross reality show about plastic-faced, aging narcissists. You had broken heels, hair-pulling, screaming, running, big-haired women mourning the death of class, crazy women who go to “energists” taking refuge in Bentleys, really weird hairlines (what is going on with Teresa‘s hair? I won’t ask her personally because she’s from Paterson, did you know she was from Paterson?), snotty mean teens getting wet over discovering that becoming the villainess on a reality show is way better than being Homecoming Queen, and why being being called “honey” is better than being called “bitch.”

Anyway, I’m thinking that the producers have these tricks blow a couple of rails before having the Kim Twins wrangle their asses to the same events and then they let the fur, er, the extensions, fly.

And I know none of it is actually really “real.” Teresa knows that if she plants her Chinchilla mini-jacketed ass outside in the foyer waiting for Danielle to walk by so that the blood games can begin, she will surely get re-signed for next season. The two Kims know if they stage a fashion show, and play both sides, and have fuck hair (did you see the hair on Danielle’s primary Kim? What, did she let a train get run on her before the Posche show?), it could possibly result in becoming a main cast member next season. After all, they are out one Housewife! Hell, the Two Kims should get their own show! That Bethany slut over in NYC got hers and that show consisted of her raging at her mo’ wedding planner and shopping at Costco!

These women aren’t fools, they are business ladies, and they are getting theirs!

Danielle Staub seems to be the craziest, most paranoid middle-aged waspface ever to grace our screens, but she’s on the fast track to becoming a household name! Who else calls the cops when they break a heel and suddenly can not move or breathe after being yelled at after a country club (emphasis on “cunt”) fashion show? Perfection!

And that Ashley girl. Man, have you ever wanted to take off your evening glove, weight it with a brick, and smack a smug teen upside her nosejob? Ooo, Danielle and Teresa are just crazy, but this one is young and immature and thinks she’s Alexis Carrington. When in actuality, she’s attention-starved, sneer-faced imbecile trash (although, props for “un-beweave-able” – even her totally ineffectual mother smirked at that shit). When she was mouthing off to her parents at the end, I wanted her to experience Carrie’s mom, Joan Crawford, and the woman who drove her kids into the lake all at the same time. Can the guy who punched Snookie punch Ashley?

This show is actually so soul-deadening that it gives me chest pains after I watch it for too long. Considering all the bad press Joisee has gotten lately, how hasn’t there been a mass exodus? At this point I would lie and say I was from Cleveland.

So We Went To The Monster Ball Last Night…

July 3, 2010
Mom, cut it out.

Mom, cut it out.

That’s not Lady Gaga, that’s one of the many fun hos who came dressed as her. Scotty wouldn’t let me take a pic of his Monster Ball outfit because we thought the ASPCA would have a problem with the fact that he wore Cooper in a cage on top of his head as a hat. Seriously, Scotty wanted to put all those other bitches in the ground.

It was the show to go last night here in Boston. Picture every disaffected and Rubenesque teenage girl who wants you to read her blog or she’ll stab herself in her pot belly (shut up and stop looking at me), aging queen trying to recapture pop glory dance fun (shut up and stop looking at me), twink with a set of sparkly pumps in his closet (and they werked em’ last night, let me tell you, ankles must have been snapping from Section 330 and down) and suburban mom who saw how surprisingly eloquent Gaga was on Oprah that time come together in a big sweaty melting pot to watch Stefani Germanotta hump a piano in a swirl of glitter.

(more…)

Compare and Contrast:This Would Have Been So Much Hotter If It Came Out BEFORE The Video

June 21, 2010
Timing is everything.

Timing is everything.

Here’s Lady Gaga‘s new Rolling Stone cover. I would have been so much happier with this if it had come out before the video. As like a teaser. That’s a great prop. But I’ve seen it, so I’m not enthralled.

In other news, I feel like I know her body better than she does. Seriously, I feel like I’m her gyno sometimes. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I need just a scootch less ass and womynflower from her.

Here’s her last one. Which do you think is better?

This bathwater is dirty.

This bathwater is dirty.

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You ARE Beautiful Enough To Do What You Want, Snooki.

June 21, 2010
I'd duck.

I'd duck.

Radar is getting ALL the good shit lately. So you probably know the gnome depicted above, she’s Snooki from Jersey Shore! She’s the one who sucks pickles, gets punched in the face by steroid insane drunk dudes, and totally got burned by Tim Burton when she wasn’t cast in this role. Seriously, is her last name Roy?

Word is that Snookie got her Bump-It in a twist at SL in NYC on Wednesday night, threw a drink at the bouncer, and then uttered this gem. This sparkly, sparkly, bauble of awesome.

“I’m a f**king star, beautiful enough to do what I want!”

Jesus, that did me right. This is so the line I’m using next time at the ATM, the barroom, my dry cleaners, or at your local grocer. I need to ask RiRi Harvey if I was using this line at age six out on the playground when some dolt cut in line for the slide. Picture a sassy little large-headed munchkin with his hand on his hip interrupting Four Square with THAT pronouncement.

Anyway, Snookie was scuba diving to the bottom of her drink when she said that and tossed it in the bouncer’s mug for no reason. The best part? Bitches started cracking up at Deep Roy Snooki.

“Everyone just sort of looked at her in shock but then started laughing, including the bouncer!”

She’s so hilarious that they probably let her garden gnome ass keep drinking so she would impart more gems of wisdom on the crowd. Team Snooki over here. How do I get what she said on a vanity plate?

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Oh, Snoop, No…

June 18, 2010
Despite this awfulness, he should totally play Tara's new boyfriend. She needs someone laid back.

Despite this awfulness, he should totally play Tara's new boyfriend. She needs someone laid back.

This totally belongs in Nana's china hutch, right next to the Precious Moments figurines.

This totally belongs in Nana's china hutch, right next to the Precious Moments figurines.

Well. Here’s Snoop Dogg‘s video for “Oh, Sookie.” It’s a hip-hop tribute to….Sookie Stackhouse. From True Blood. *hangs head*. Playa, no…

Fun J. Harvey fact: the only hip-hop album I ever listened to over and over and cherished completely was Snoop’s Doggystyle. Weird, huh? “This one goes out to my nigga Slick Rick. And for those who don’t like it? Eat a dick.” Yes, there was a young gay guy mouthing the words to that in the subway while commuting to school. It must have been the “eat a dick” part that I found particularly interesting, cuz’ girl, I had more tricks in that subway bathroom!

Anyway, Snoop is a beloved part of our pop culture tapestry now and so he can probably get away with something as Gouda as this. Maybe he was inhaling some particularly kind bud when this offer came across the coffee table. There are hoes in the back wearing Merlotte’s uniforms. I can’t with this.

Someone Hold Me…(The Trailer For Trash Humpers)

June 16, 2010

Can we just go see Despicable Me, Mommy?

Can we just go see Despicable Me, Mommy?

Ok, so awhile back I was home on a hungover Saturday afternoon and saw this film Gummo listed on On Demand and noted it was by Harmony Korine, the dude who wrote Kids for Larry Clark. So I watched it. And oh my lord. It was this ramshackle, rough-looking non-linear piece which followed around a bunch of redneck BMX kids with FUCKED UP hair in what looked like the 80s after a hurricane hit their town. And they spent the whole movie torturing cats, and riding around on their bikes and visiting hookers with Down’s Syndrome. And then there’s other even creepier characters interspersed (like the guy pimping out his mentally challenged sister) and then Chloe Sevigny has electrical tape on her nipples and a bad dye job but doesn’t she always? It was totally heart-warming and I think Sandra Bullock was supposed to star (she would have played the cat) but she pulled out.

Anyway, it made me uneasy inside, which is why I think Korine makes movies. There’s little to no plot to his films, they just kinda meander and show you things that aren’t pretty but that’s kind of a blessing in our Blu-Ray HD Michael Bay and James Cameron extremely crisp Avatar world. Korine’s films tend to look like a VHS tape. Then again VHS these days screams snuff film to me.What does it mean when old school signifies evil?

Speaking of evil, I saw this trailer to his latest movie called (wait for it…) Trash Humpers. Which is about a “loser-gang cult-freak collective” that…well, read the title. Help me.

Holy shite. In the wikipedia entry for the film, Korine is quoted as saying that he planned to just leave the cassette the film is on just lying on a sidewalk somewhere for someone to find(!!!) instead of releasing it traditionally. Isn’t that when the FBI would have gotten involved? The one shot of the guy energetically porking the dumpster is going to stay with me for the rest of my life. Something about the film quality, and the old school electronic font, and the creepy old people masks makes me want to watch The Little Mermaid immediately.

When you were a kid (this might be more true for guys), was there an older kid in the neighborhood who was kinda sketchy and shouldn’t have been hanging out with younger kids and he would get you alone and show you things like the dead rat he was saving in his backyard under an abandoned rowboat, or his daddy’s gun collection? And then one day he showed you naked pics of his grandma or his parent’s sex toy that he found? That’s what this trailer made me feel like. Ugh.

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The Scariest Picture I’ve Ever Seen: Tom Brady’s New Hairpiece

June 15, 2010
Um....

Um....

Do you-? I….not sure. Why would….can someone….? Maybe his wife….

We are NEVER going to win another Superbowl.

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Lady Gaga Goes For “Subtle” At Sister’s Graduation

June 9, 2010
But how did she read the program under that? She's never gonna know who the salutorian is now!

But how did she read the program under that? She's never gonna know who the salutorian is now!

Michael K. over at Dlisted pretty much summed everything up about this picture of Lady Gaga at her sister’s high school graduation in NYC yesterday. Yes, we are all hoping that her little sis asked her to do it up art freak style for her big day. Because that would at least partially excuse this ploy. True, saying “oh no, sweetie, it’s your day, I’ll just wear a simple suit and pearls, it’s YOUR day” would have been preferable. But at the very least it lets her partially off the hook then if she just wore this not realizing she’s basically taken up residence in her own asshole with this move.

But the real reason I wanted to post this was because it TOTALLY reminded me of my FAVORITE wedding horror story. Whether it’s true or not, I have no idea but a former co-worker of mine told it with such relish that I choose to believe it really happened.

She said that she attended a wedding in which the groom’s mom had it in for the bride. Like that Gilmore Girls episode where Emily finds the carbon copy of Trix’s letter to Richard imploring him not to marry her. She was dead set against the wedding, but her hot problems did not make them call it off. So, to silently exhibit her protest…the bitch wore a black dress complete WITH HUGE BLACK HAT AND VEIL. She was walked down the aisle with her face covered by a big black veil as if in morning. Oh yes, it was all about her that day, kids. Horrifying sociopath behavior but I would have laughed all the way through Mass, along cocktail hour, during the toast, on the dance floor, and then finally stopped at the after party. Where I would then have been able to apologize to the bride and commiserate with her pain.

I hope someone wears a black veil to my wedding. I really couldn’t blame anyone in Scotty’s family.

p.s. No, this blog isn’t turning into J. Gaga but there’s nothing else really going on. Well, there’s some kind of oil spill thingy ruining our planet but there’s no glamour in that!

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Something’s Off

June 8, 2010
Crawl out from under that tranny Moe Howard orgy pile, devil girl

Crawl out from under that tranny Moe Howard orgy pile, devil girl

Here’s the new video for Lady Gaga‘s “Alejandro.” It’s well….kinda, overcooked. Overdone? It’s been left in the pastiche oven for too long.

See what I mean? Don’t get me wrong, it’s beautifully filmed and has all the Gaga elements we’ve come to know and love – freaky makeup, attention wigs, costumes made of tubing, cheap symbolism. But I’m left feeling kinda bereft.

Is it because some of the dancing isn’t synched up to the beats? Is it the Three Stooges wigs and fishnets on the male dancers? Is it because during one shot I thought all she had covering her vagine was a single stripe of blood red duct tape? The gun boobies? No, those are just eh frills.

It just feels TOO MUCH almost. TOO Madonna. Too much parody. Too many influences. It’s like she’s trying to cram all of em’ into one nine (!!!) minute video at one time. It’s her video bucket list! Gaga, you don’t HAVE the lupus yet! Take a pop culture deep breath and stop cramming for the quiz!

I will say, I do like the almost simple portion in the middle wherein she’s dressed in Weimar Republic lingerie sans eyebrows and cavorting on beds and line dancing with her girly boys. It seemed almost…refreshingly straight-forward in that it was “Here’s my video. Here’s me dancing with backup dancers. The beats match my moves.”

Also, if I had to sum this video and it’s influences up into a single run-on sentence it would be:

Cabaret The Night Porter nun/Satanic priestess Evita Thunderdome LA riots Dune Sting’s “Russians” video “Oh Father” “Express Yourself” “Like A Prayer” Citizen Kane Das Boot Race The Devil Hogan’s Heroes “True Blue.”

Whew! And to her credit for one so young (she’s only like 23, right?), I’m probably missing about 75% of the influences and references her and director Steven Klein are shoving in here.

And more credit. When was the last time the release of videos was an event? I can think of two eras. MJ’s and Madonna’s. Thriller. Vogue? And now we wait for Gaga’s. And of course I’m gonna watch this bit three trillion more times. Despite feeling lukewarm about this clip, it’s still a helluva lot more interesting than most everything else on our screens. Plus, she Linda Lovelaces some rosary beads. Damn, even Madge didn’t go there.

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Wrong Ass.

June 7, 2010

Uh, THIS is the cover to Scissor Sisters‘ upcoming album Night Work:

Ugh, enough with the scrawn...

Ugh, enough with the scrawn...

And I assume the ass belongs to this guy:

Jake Shears, lead singer of Scissor Sisters. Talented but scrawn.

Jake Shears, lead singer of Scissor Sisters. Talented but scrawn.

When in fact, the ass on said cover should belong to THIS guy:

Babydaddy....just...Babydaddy

Babydaddy....just...Babydaddy

Those pants. Christ, the injustice of it all. Does anyone else feel me on this one? I think a big beefy ass on the cover of Night Work would actually sell more copies as opposed to that…what the hell is that, two bagels in some stretch pants. FUCK THOSE BAGELS! Not literally.

Note: Scotty and I once passed Jake Shears on the street in NYC, and he was wearing this kinda full black overcoat that almost went down to his ankles and looked almost like a cross between a Clint Eastwood cowboy duster and something out of the Harkonnen collection from Dune but it was nice to know that he doesn’t wear the Star Wars slut outfits (wow, Jake Shears is TOTALLY influenced by outer space epics!) out all the time and cares about catching cold. He knows to protect the scrawn. Some people like that sort of thing. *sniff*

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