Archive for the ‘Nerd terrors’ Category

This Is What I Get For Going To See ‘Transformers: Age Of Extinction’

July 1, 2014

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Here’s a personal truth – I like big, stupid, ridiculous, blockbuster action flicks. If your movie has intensive CGI, theater-shaking explosions, martial arts, motorcycle chases, evil women who kill, spaceships, robots, natural disasters, spandexed people with mutant abilities, rocket launchers fired backwards for laughs, or anything that requires sheepish actors to act against a green screen and opposite an “X” made out of tape, there’s a distinct possibility I’m in your theater. This brings us to the Transformers franchise. These are some stupid movies. But they’re BIG, EXPENSIVE, VISUALLY THRILLING stupid movies and the robots transforming from vehicles (and now dinosaurs!) into robots is so thrilling. The fifth grader in me wants all the toys, and wants to be riding in Bumblebee when the Deceptacons attack and Bumblebee has to quick change to a robot and I go flying through the air and over a bridge and HE CATCHES ME and sparks and crashes and he turns back into a car and I’m safe! The CGI that James Cameron-lite director Michael Bay provides is top notch, and I can honestly say that the Transformers flick prior to this weekend’s Transformers: Age of Extinction had some of the loveliest and movie-experience enhancing 3D I’ve ever experienced. So, yeah, dumb movies.

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Twihards Have No Problem Getting Stank In The Hopes Of Meeting Their Vampire Fantasy Lover

June 22, 2010
I can't even imagine what this tent city smells like. Hysterical tears, patchouli and rotted Manic Panic.

I can't even imagine what this tent city smells like. Hysterical tears, patchouli and rotted Manic Panic.

So the next chapter in the Twilight…you aren’t really wanting me to type “saga” are you…just kick me in the nuts, then…premieres in LA on Thursday. It is now 10:22 pm Eastern time on Tuesday. Guess who’s camping out down at LA’s LA Live complex with cardboard cutouts of Robert Pattinson, tearful declarations that they would have his baby if only he would look at them and SEE THEIR EXTREME LOVE, and shitty panties (there is no way Ashley is getting out of line to use the bathroom at the taco place on the corner because he might show up and look at Jenn instead and Ashley got Robert’s face tattooed on her upper lip because he is vampire majesty who stalks her dreams and she will run Jenn over with her parent’s Honda Element if Robert ever dared look at Jenn and not her)? Yeah, Twihards. (more…)

Someone Hold Me…(The Trailer For Trash Humpers)

June 16, 2010

Can we just go see Despicable Me, Mommy?

Can we just go see Despicable Me, Mommy?

Ok, so awhile back I was home on a hungover Saturday afternoon and saw this film Gummo listed on On Demand and noted it was by Harmony Korine, the dude who wrote Kids for Larry Clark. So I watched it. And oh my lord. It was this ramshackle, rough-looking non-linear piece which followed around a bunch of redneck BMX kids with FUCKED UP hair in what looked like the 80s after a hurricane hit their town. And they spent the whole movie torturing cats, and riding around on their bikes and visiting hookers with Down’s Syndrome. And then there’s other even creepier characters interspersed (like the guy pimping out his mentally challenged sister) and then Chloe Sevigny has electrical tape on her nipples and a bad dye job but doesn’t she always? It was totally heart-warming and I think Sandra Bullock was supposed to star (she would have played the cat) but she pulled out.

Anyway, it made me uneasy inside, which is why I think Korine makes movies. There’s little to no plot to his films, they just kinda meander and show you things that aren’t pretty but that’s kind of a blessing in our Blu-Ray HD Michael Bay and James Cameron extremely crisp Avatar world. Korine’s films tend to look like a VHS tape. Then again VHS these days screams snuff film to me.What does it mean when old school signifies evil?

Speaking of evil, I saw this trailer to his latest movie called (wait for it…) Trash Humpers. Which is about a “loser-gang cult-freak collective” that…well, read the title. Help me.

Holy shite. In the wikipedia entry for the film, Korine is quoted as saying that he planned to just leave the cassette the film is on just lying on a sidewalk somewhere for someone to find(!!!) instead of releasing it traditionally. Isn’t that when the FBI would have gotten involved? The one shot of the guy energetically porking the dumpster is going to stay with me for the rest of my life. Something about the film quality, and the old school electronic font, and the creepy old people masks makes me want to watch The Little Mermaid immediately.

When you were a kid (this might be more true for guys), was there an older kid in the neighborhood who was kinda sketchy and shouldn’t have been hanging out with younger kids and he would get you alone and show you things like the dead rat he was saving in his backyard under an abandoned rowboat, or his daddy’s gun collection? And then one day he showed you naked pics of his grandma or his parent’s sex toy that he found? That’s what this trailer made me feel like. Ugh.

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Jimmy Kimmel And Sarah Silverman Proving That Even The Unattractive Celebrities Should Experience Sex Tape Scandals

September 30, 2009

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The stills above are reportedly from a sex tape featuring comedians Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman entangled in frumpy lust. I know, several of you just winced and went “sheesh..” in your minds. Hey, even people who look like thumbs should be able to exhibit their stupidity by taping their slapping of wets and then letting someone else get ahold of it to their ultimate humiliation.

This could be anyone, though. Or it could be just a goof from Kimmel or his ex. According to this site, the yuck yuck duo (literally) were on vacation and left their cam behind with this in it. The maid probably previewed it and wished she had poured bleach in her eyes when she had the chance.

Here’s the thing. I would probably enjoy this tape. I like big, goofy looking slobs (Note to The Boyfriend – not you, sweetie!) I’m a perv, so watching Kimmel’s big flabby ass bobbing up and down at a medium pace would enthrall me. I bet he gets winded really easily and reaches for a sub that’s down on the floor afterwards. But there would need to be a black bar over Sarah and not cuz’ I’m a mo’.

I often play this game with my straight guy friends…”Sarah Silverman or Tina Fey?” Sarah seems to win. Ugh. She tries too hard. I know her schtick is that she’s one of the guys but a hot(?) girl but I’m just feeling the blech. She seems like the sort of ho who enjoys the smell of her own farts. And likes to talk about it. I am a total chauvinist. It’s true. I like my women hot (in all shapes and sizes), fierce, witty, no-bullshit, stylish and elegant. I don’t like to think that they have rectums. I know they do, I just imagine that they don’t. I have enough gross guys in my life, I don’t need a woman emulating one. I can’t even deal with my own farts, let alone have a female friend telling me about hers. Yeah, I’m prissy like that. So that’s why Sarah Silverman is kinda Josie Grossie to me. I don’t need to hear her queef in a sex tape and then write a song about it.

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I Am Dying/Terrified To See This Flick..

September 13, 2009

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Here’s the new trailer for acclaimed Danish film director Lars Von Triers’ Antichrist. The goddamn font that they use for the title (I’m going to call it Helter Skelter) is enough to get me in the theatre. It makes me want to bar my door.

The gist is that Willem Dafoe (creepy enough just as a human) and his wife Charlotte Gainsbourg (who I thought was the second best thing about I’m Not There after Cate Blanchett) are mourning the death of their toddler so they adjourn to the woods to work out their grief. Defoe is a therapist and he takes his wife on as a patient, which is totally ethical and healthy.

Apparently, the film is very symbolic and full of menace and the trailer gets that across and then some. It looks like such a beautiful movie while being completely terrifying. Von Triers is said to have made the flick while in a deep depression and it caused this big outrage at the Cannes Film Festival. There is supposedly a “misogyny consultant” in the end credits. “How should we portray my rampant hatred of women in this scene?” My friend Shawn is going to have a field day with that one as he’s a huge feminist and always detecting misogyny.

The final third of the movie is supposed to be incredibly gory, gruesome and the term “genital mutilation” has been bandied about. This causes me to close my legs tightly and want to change the channel in my head, yet now I want to see it even more. It’s like walking past a metal pole in the dead of winter and wanting to lick it to see what happens. You know it’s going to lead to gore and pain but you can’t help wanting to do it. People are supposed to have hauled ass out of the theatre at the end and thrown up in the aisles. You’re the one for me, Fatty!

Reportedly the original ending was that you find out that Satan created the world and not God (rad), but the Danish guy had to scrap that mess when the producer opened his yap to the press during filming. Sounds like a pretty accurate ending the first time.

It’s probably going to give me nightmares, be way past my limited intellect and make me yuke up my Reese Peeses but damnit, it will be worth it. Check out this haunting-ass trailer!

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The Scariest Picture I Have Ever Seen: Star Trek/Clown Sweaters

August 6, 2009
Girl bye to the Borg, this is worse!

Girl bye to the Borg, this is worse!

Yeah, I know it’s a Photoshop job, but still – CREEPS. Star Trek kinda gives me the willies anyways with all the allegories and women in skintight unitards but this makes me want to smash the transporter with an axe and make sure these clown sweater-wearing mouthbreathers will never find me. Though, Worf’s inadvertent Afro kinda suits the needlework. This is from one of my favorite comics writers Warren Ellis, by way of Wil Wheaton.

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