Archive for the ‘Potential suicide’ Category

I’m Going To Gay For A Second: The Mildred Pierce Remake

September 14, 2010

She better have the DOUBLE SLAP down...

Here’s the trailer for director Todd Haynes‘ remake of the classic Mildred Pierce. As opposed to a two-hour journey of dramatic sacrifice and shrewery, it’s going to be a five part miniseries adapting the novel (more closely than the original film I suppose) for HBO. Weird. Kate Winslet is stepping into Joan Crawford‘s very famous role, and Sophie-Anne the vampire queen of Louisiana is Veda Pearce, Mildred’s daughter who puts the “face” in “bitchface.” I don’t know what that means but I’m fraught with concern that this mini-series will wreck the movie for me.

The original is rad. I was never one to watch classic flicks. I can name on one hand the amount of black & whites I’ve ever enjoyed – Psycho, A Patch of Blue, the beginning of Oz, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf…see? But then my friend Joe threw a couple of get-togethers in which he ran old-school flicks that everyone should see. The ones that made a real impression on me were the one with the scary senior citizen lady governess who was lezzin’ for the dead wife and scarin’ the pants off the new one (I believe she showed off the dead ladies’ squirrel covers?) and Mildred Pierce. Mainly because it didn’t matter that it was black and white. Joan (who in real life was a big fucking mess) was MELODRAMA. Sacrificing herself for a BITCH daughter who hates that its her mom’s waitress job keeping them afloat and still gives her the business even when Mom opens Mildred’s theme restaurants all across Cali because Mom is still “common” and Veda has tentacles coming out of her because she’s from the 13th portcullis of Hades and then Mildred has had ENOUGH and you’ve heard of the double clap (?) well, Mildred hands Veda a DOUBLE SLAP because bitch keeps fixing her mouth to say hainty things.

Witness:

Despite the DOUBLE SLAP, Veda gets on the man Millie married to improve her social standing in Veda’s eyes and then someone gets shot and I’ve spoiled you enough on this film classic. It’s just…really, really good. It’s hardcore. And by that I mean the real deal, the big eyes and the 40s hair and all the sexy subtext and Joan’s infinite patience and pluck as our beleaguered heroine Mill. I know Kate can make this her own because she’s the shit and its Todd Haynes who made Velvet Goldmine. And I mean, Velvet Goldmine.

I have my doubts about Evan Rachel Wood. She turned the vampire queen who could have been glamorous and deadly into a minor character from Dynasty. And not even Joan or Linda…we’re talkin’ Stephanie Beachum. Your veil and poodleless skirt are overpowering your acting, Evan.

I assume this is going to be a whole different animal and won’t sully Joan’s memory at all. I mean, more sullied than a child-abusing alcoholic already has been by her vengeful daughter. Did mother have the last laugh? Did she?

This post has been brought to you by the letter GAY. DOUBLE SLAP!

Jersey’s Finest Want To Get Paid (More)

July 19, 2010

If there isn't a Season 3, I will kill myself by swallowing vast quantities of Axe combination bodyspray/roofie pheromone.


You might have to go to the club yourself, wearing some Affliction and Ed Hardy mess, doing cartwheels while baring your vagine and pounding the ground like an ape in heat, because Season 3 of Jersey Shore has stopped filming. Bump-Its don’t come cheap, bitch! Who’s gonna put herp in the jacuzzi now? *crestfallen*

Filming of the third season of Jersey Shore has come grinding to a halt due to a strike! Snookie‘s doing some Norma Rae shit! Picture her goblin ass up on a workbench, holding a UNION sign! And then eating a pickle. TMZ says that the cast are demanding more money per episode.

The cast was supposed to begin shooting “at home” scenes today for season three, but we’re told JWoww, Ronnie, Sammi, Pauly D and Vinny — who are spread out between New York and Rhode Island — told the crews they weren’t shooting without new contracts.

The Situation and Snooki are supposed to shoot tomorrow, and we’re told Snooki plans to do the same

But wait, did you know that MTV considers jerky-bodied The Situation to be the the show’s breakout guido? They offered him some sort of secret contract to secure his Axe-smelling self in the MTV corral. Uh, hello….there’s a tiny pumpkin-faced ankle biter who is CLEARLY shining brighter than the sun in that house!

According to the proposed deal, MTV is offering Mikey a one-time bonus for the impending Season 2 in Miami, ranging from $60,000 to $180,000, depending on ratings.

Word is that one of the coverboys of New York magazine’s “Queer” issue (hee) will snatch $27,500 to $45,000 an episode for Season 4. Right now, all these bitches only make 10K. “Only.” What am I saying? Hell, pay me $100 an episode to go down to the club with a blowback and a fake bake and act gross and I’d do it. It’s open bar, right? I can get into a tube dress and do midget ninja cartwheels while men throw beer at my nethers!

The Situation hasn’t accepted this deal yet, according to TMZ.

Does this mean that when the rest of the trogs find out The Situation is clearing more cash than them, they are going to turn on each other and there’s going to be tanning grease and blood all over the duck phone? Hopefully.

Really? Really? You’re Gonna Kill Rue? Fuck You.

June 3, 2010
Who knew she wrote a book about her man adventures? I didn't! *sob*

Who knew she wrote a book about her man adventures? I didn't! *sob*

Ya know…this is not the time right now to hear that there’s only one Golden Girl left and the vivacious and horny as all hell southern belle known as Blanche…wait, sorry…the vivacious and incredibly talented actress who PLAYED her, Rue McClanahan, died this morning of a massive stroke. One of my heroes in life was 76 when she passed onto Big Daddy’s plantation in the sky.

I seriously can’t take this shite. It’s been a week-weekend-week of ills, and now Blanche Devereaux is no longer around to show us how to use our feminine wiles and a sloe gin fizz to lure a man into our palm tree-painted boudouirs.

If you watch the reruns (as we all do), you will note that Rue often had the best comedic timing of the bunch. Her expressions, and the way she delivered a line so skillfully and deliberately for comedic detonation, were unparalled in the history of television comedy. Well, except for Bea and Betty and Estelle. I am tearing up.

Rue won an Emmy in 1987. And rightfully so. The LA Times had a quote from her about playing the succulent honeyblossom known as Blanche:

Her Blanche Devereaux, she said, “is in love with life and she loves men. I think she has an attitude toward women that’s competitive. She is friends with Dorothy and Rose, but if she has enough provocation she becomes competitive with them. I think basically she’s insecure. It’s the other side of the Don Juan syndrome.”

I don’t have anything else. The world’s emptier. There is no God. Betty, get frozen now and make sure they don’t play kickball with your head like they did to Ted Williams.

For your pleasure (and your mourning), here’s some Blanche moments I found on YouTube. Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to sit in the corner with a cheesecake, collecting lingerie for needy sexy people and wishing for a kinder, gentler time (the 80s) when funny old bitches didn’t die on me.

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Lindsay Lohan Claims She’s Broken Up With Drugs

February 23, 2010

In some kind of performance art comedy piece, Lindsay Lohan gave an interview to Britain’s The Sun tabloid in which the favorite of drug dealers everywhere claims she’s given her last rugmunch for the coke residue at the bottom of someone’s  purse. Hee. Illegally obtained prescription bottles of pills everywhere just rolled their little plastic eyes!

“When my father was going public, that’s when I hit rock bottom. I abused substances too much and it wasn’t the answer to my problems. People need to know that. I tried to mask my problems with alcohol, cocaine and mind-altering substances. Now I’m in a place where I don’t need to use anything and I can feel emotions because I choose to. I learnt from my mistakes and I’m now healthy and happier. I never want to be close to losing everything I worked for and aspired to have my whole life,” she says. Emotions like “berserk drug-fueled rage” and  that feeling you get when you just want to rip off your top and fling yourself through your ex-girlfriend’s picture window.

Besides blaming her asshole father Michael Lohan for her hot drug probs, the actress(?, what DOES she do nowadays, god, Mean Girls was so good) Lohan says that she was just working way too hard, you guys.

“There was a point when I didn’t know how to say ‘No’ and I was trying to please everyone. I was doing pop and making films. I was young and thought I could go out, have fun, then go on set and record. I ran myself down and I lost track of who I was.”

But never fear, now she just opts to get her drink on because she has it all under control. If I didn’t think the conversation would be me, me, me, and she would try to steal my wallet like the hooker in Vegas, I might wanna party with her. She’s probably a good time if you leave before she starts trying to snort the potpourri.

“I’m allowed to drink now but I know my limits. There are certain situations where I have obligations. There’s no reason to (drink) because I don’t want to feel like s*** in the morning. I’ve now learned my boundaries and I’ve been very good with cleaning house with people who I know didn’t have my best intentions at heart. A lot of people in LA are very self destructive. Partying so hard simply isn’t worth it. Life is worth living and there is so much to do and experience, it’s wonderful,” she said with a straight face.

This totally sounds like the interview Patsy Stone envisioned giving to Hello! magazine on Ab Fab before she had the acid peel. You know, where the picture is of her wearing workout gear and holding a bottle of Perrier. Fastforward to 5:58. Or hell, watch the whole thing. It’s that good.

Vodpod videos no longer available.
more about “Absolutely Fabulous – Hospital 3/3“, posted with vodpod

Lohan also adds that she wants to help other people with their drug problems. By relieving them of their drugs and doing them herself. She’s all about sacrificing for others. She’s kind of like Jesus. If Jesus was a trashy, self-involved, highly delusional cocaine addict.

The Second Greatest ANTM Cover Girl Ad That You Will Ever See…

October 26, 2009


erin

Erin kinda looks like Oona from Legend. I'm just sayin'...magical woodland bitch creature. It's the eyebrows.

Erin kinda looks like Oona from Legend. I'm just sayin'...magical woodland bitch creature. It's the eyebrows.

This cycle of America’s Next Top Unemployed Dwarf (get outcha yardsticks and draw a little line on 5’7 for an idea) is sort of keeping my attention. Last go-round, I cashed in my DVR recordings and spent my valuable (*chortle*) time elsewhere because it was nappy times. I don’t even know who won, Tey Beyana or something? She had cat eyes and very little sauce to her nature and I felt unfulfilled.

But this cycle has at least mustered up enough tragedy to keep me focused. Case in point – Erin’s Cover Girl ad. Tornetta Danjahandz and I nearly fell off the couch when we viewed the latest evidence that when it’s good, ANTM is the most amusing reality show on television.

Erin and her snowstorm/died of fright brows had a little trouble with the task at hand. Whether it was a memory block, or having hurt her mind during the hair whipping challenge back at the Home for Tiny Model Wanderers, or Chronic Stupid Model Challenges Fatigue Syndrome, her heart and soul weren't it. But her salty tears were! Makeup!

It was awesome times enough getting to watch the initial effort on her part but then we got to judging and the final product. I have never seen a more jacked up Cover Girl ad in my time watching the show (except for the treasure at the end of this post). This was so bad that it made me want to buy Cover Girl product just to reward everyone involved. Lash Blast me! You’ve earned it, CW! Let's examine the three faces of Erin:

1) Anger – Erin’s opening reflected a kind of had it up to here feeling to it. You heard her say “like many women, my eyes…” but what she was really saying was “you fucking bought shots for sluts and then spent the rest of the rent money on a Wii? Fuck you! Get out!” She was kinda hood at this juncture, as she defied this activity with her shoulders and barked at us about eyes and lashes. She really should have taken this all the way and hurled the plastic tube at Nigel’s face. He is the one torturing her the most at this point.

2) Tired – The second part, in which she actually SLUMPS AGAINST THE WALL as she attempts to languidly deliver the spiel that she herself wrote, is brilliance. Like a junkie on the nod or a girl who has been rendered helplessly malaised by fellow teeny model Nicole’s monotone wanderings about glasses and people’s backgrounds, she is spent. She can barely summon the effort to raise the project to camera level. Just place it on a little end table, Erin, and kinda gesture at it with a limp palm as her eyes rolled back in her head and she slid down said wall to land in a bleached heap.

3) Trauma – Erin winds it up as if she came from her own personal Extremities and not a crying jag over forgetting her lines and how much she hates Tyra. For reals, she can barely choke out “easy, breezy, beautiful” before she inhales deeply and the stupid editor cuts just as she most definitely began wailing. That was the apex moment for me. This wasn’t a Cover Girl commercial shoot for her, this was seemingly her arrival at the police station in a torn blouse. I blame Nigel.

If Tyra and her Bankable minions can keep up this level of insane pseudo-model bullshit quality, I’m recommitting myself to this cause.

I'm sure you were wondering what the GREATEST America's Next Top Best Friend (that's a clue) Cover Girl ad is. Puzzle no more. Watch this and feel WONDERFUL…FABULOUS!

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Is She The Nanny?

September 22, 2009

surihighheels

I live in Boston. And this week every celebrity in creation is up in our city (Cameron Diaz, Sam Neil, U2, Snow Patrol, Ashley Judd, a large assortment of stars and bands), the city of Red Sox and dreams and cute boys and fucking street cleaning in which they tow your car if you forget to move it over to the other side of the street and it costs $112.35 and who has that just lying around when you’re an unemployed blogger (don’t ask about Celebitchy).

Psychosis aside, Tom Cruise, that sad sack he kidnapped from joy and a real life, and their optimistic against all odds child have been seen out and about on Newbury St. and jogging and such. Cruise reportedly yelled “Great city!” at a pap. A Facebook friend has been complaining that Top Bottom ruined his brunch plans when he took over a restaurant for him and the fam and peeps got shut out. Don’t get between a bear and brunch. Tom’s lucky he didn’t get tackled by a big gay with a jonesin’ for home fries and a mimosa in each paw. Though I’m guessing he’d be down with that action.

I see pics like this and I wonder if she knows just how much her state of mind is reflected in her clothing and demeanor. Jesus, this chick is sad. SAD. She loves her daughter (who totally came from some Romanian chick in an insane asylum bed cage, I’ve seen Orphan, I know what goes on) but she wants out and is wondering if she can risk it. Tom has the Church of Scientology on his side and they can hunt her ass down. Plus, she signed some sort of contract with Xenu in blood. The only reason Nicole Kidman escaped is because her porcelain face can deflect tapped phones, infrared photography, and thetan waves.

I am seriously offering to hide these two out. Especially since I sorta wanna try on Suri’s shoes. Come to Dorchester. The neighborhood only looks a little sketch, and we live right near the T. I think one night of cocktails at the Ashmont Grille could do Katie Holmes a world of good.

I’m not saying she has to gear herself up like Beyonce and glamour flash down the street. I’m just saying she shouldn’t look like she’s ready for a burqa and endless Valium sleep.

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Paula Abdul Just Screamed At A Shrub, And Then Passed Out On Degeneres’ Lawn

September 10, 2009

letterman 2 110308ellen-goose

Singing sensation Ellen Degeneres was announced as Paula Abdul‘s replacement on American Idol yesterday. Yeah, I’m confused as well. My thought is that the producers are so annoyed with the Klonopin princess that they wanted to serve her ass even after they managed to get her to drive her nut mobile out of the AI garage.

What the fuck is she going to judge? The irony factor? Potentially hot female contestants? Yes, she is liable to be wonderfully funny and might actually reinvigorate the show. But if I was a singer and she made a comment about my pitch, I would question how someone who explored Celestia’s crazy pussy is qualified to speak!

Yo dawg Randy Jackson told People that Idol pursued the talk show prince.

“We’re all friends with Ellen, and Ryan [Seacrest] and I are pretty close with her. She’s just mad cool,” Jackson said of the talk show host who is filling the seat on the judges panel left open by Paula Abdul.

(Aside – I hate Randy’s constant attempts to cling to “I’m black, cred.” I think I’m blacker and I like Neil Diamond and Beanie Babies. I’m kidding, I don’t actually like Neil Diamond.)

According to Jackson, DeGeneres will bring something new to the show. “There’s so much music industry insider talk with me and Simon [Cowell] and Kara [DioGuardi] that I didn’t think we needed any more of that,” he explained. “Ellen hit it right on the head — I think she could be the voice of the people. It’s like somebody in the home audience watching and going, ‘What would I say [about this contestant]?’ Ellen’s going to be saying it for [them].”

Thanks, homegirl. How is America going to tell the difference between Seacrest and DeGeneres. Well, one of them has a penis. You pick. And now the million dollar question – what the hell did Paula say before she went face-down in her pill basket?

On her Twitter page, Abdul wrote in Webspeak: “I think Ellen will b a gr8 judge on Idol. She is wildly funny, talented and I wish her the best of luck!”

Translation: They…replaced me….get my chair..DYKE! She’s…..I SANG “STRAIGHT UP” god…Arsenio? ARSENIO, CAN YOU HEaR ME BABY? *vomit* *thud*

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