Archive for the ‘Someone Grab Judge Judy’ Category

Snooki Got Pinched

July 30, 2010

Nana, we're leaving!

I know this doesn’t look like it, but this is a pic of Jersey Shore‘s glamorous Kewpie doll Snooki getting busted today for disorderly conduct on the beach in Seaside Heights, NH. There isn’t word on exactly what she was doing but TMZ says she was seen engaging in body shots in a bar (Cointreau judging by her coloring) and was then doing shots of…soda… out of a beer bong? What?

Snooki was so effed up that she was shooting soda. It’s time to go home for a Hot Pocket when you’re trying to get shit-faced on Coca-Cola products.

This pic kills me, though. She looks like an out of control senior citizen. The New Jersey version of Shelly Winters as Nana Mary when she appeared on Roseanne. JWoww better change her diaper before they close the cell door otherwise the other prisoners are gonna go on a hunger strike and start setting fires in their cells to be let out.

Smirky Bitch Lindsay Lohan Behind Bars

July 20, 2010

No, I didn't pull this off TMZ. *looks shiftily around*

A smirking Lindsay Lohan was late for court this morning, but that didn’t prevent mythical goddess of truth Judge Marsha from having her clapped into cuffs and hustled off to the reformatory. Girl, bye! Here’s the mug shot. I don’t know why she’s thinkin’ she’s cute. This is not the situation of a refined society lady.

And get this shit – so since O.J. savior Robert Shapiro dove screaming out of Lindsay’s limo of entitled cuntiness and did a roll onto the highway to escape her, Shawn Chapman Holley came back! What? Then again, LiLo will be behind bars so she really only had to deal with her awful ass for a couple of hours. Though I sincerely doubt she’s going to actually get paid. “Do you want this cami top? I only wore it once.”

Oh, and reportedly she’s only going to serve 23 days due to our prison overcrowding problem. Damn, just release a couple of hookers, a murderous nurse, and a black widow killer or two. We need to imprison the REAL EVIL in the world!

Lindsay Lohan Accepting Prison? (Out Second Lawyer)

July 20, 2010

How many balloons of cocaine CAN I fit in my vagine?

In a shocking twist, Lindsay Lohan seems to be accepting the fact that she’s about to be ensconced in a comfortable jail cell.

(Fact – It’s not like they will put this mess in solitary with a hole for toilette. She’ll have air conditioning for chrissakes. And a blanket. And she can probably get drugs more easily IN prison than outside it. I’ve seen OZ. They have em’ in condoms or balloons and people put them up themselves. I’m guessing she’s played that game before.)

Lohan brought Walt Disney into it on her Twitter. Eeeks.

the only “bookings” that i’m familiar with are Disney Films, never thought that i’d be “booking” into Jail… eeeks
about 9 hours ago via web

The last time this bitch was looked at by Disney was when she drove by Disneyland in Anaheim on a drug run.

Freckles may have come to the realization that she was definitely donning orange when her newest lawyer, famed O.J. legal eagle Robert Shapiro, rolled his eyes and left.

TMZ reports that Shapiro met with peoples’ hero Judge Marsha yesterday and informed her that he was audi. This is an easy point to make, but this dude represented a man who cut his ex-wife’s head off and killed a waiter as a bonus. Represented him to a “not guilty” verdict. After said psychopath led cops on a high-speed chase. And he couldn’t handle sitting with Lindsay Lohan at a long table for a couple of hours. Make of that what you will.

Stay tuned today to see if Lohan actually turns up at the pokey. Or if she sends Dina in leggins’, a wig and stage freckles.

Fast Forward To 4:27 For The Schadenfreude Of A Lifetime

July 6, 2010


Before the fall...

If you’re unaware what that is, here you go.
It should be my middle name because I am a bitch. But not in this case because that entitled cokehead snotty skank known as Lindsay Lohan is GOING TO JAIL. Can you feel a brand new day? Someone call out the Lollipop League and wheel in the keg, cuz’ it’s party time.

Can you think of anyone more deserving of jailtime than this fake-ass delusional ho? For going on years now, she has evaded prosecution for numerous offenses, managing to weasel out of just about every charge brought against her. She has repeatedly made the Los Angeles court system seem like the most dickless and ineffectual provider of justice since George Clooney starred as Batman. And why? Because she’s a cokey actress who was briefly relevant? But now you might want to send an Edible Arrangement to Judge Marsha Revel because that stand-up lady of the cloth (wait…robe?) just sent Lindsay Lohan to jail for 90 days. Huzzah!

Skeezy Lohan will reportedly be going to jail for 90 days and then entering rehab (I’m sure that will take) for another 90 for violating her DUI probation by skipping out on her booze classes. Finally, someone with a real set of pendulous low-hangers (sorry, Judge) just smacked that bitch upside her dried-out crackie face. Let’s complete this slash and burn on Lindsay’s entitlement by driving to Long Island and slapping her friggin’ whoring cokemom, family apologist Dina Lohan. Hell, why stop there? Kick ole’ Ali in the ass, too, and don’t even get me started on that douchebag father with the desperation to be on camera and the cellphone on his belt and the turtlenecks. I could go on for hours.

So enjoy the sentencing. Right after Lindsay gives this simpering, bullshit plea for mercy (the lawyer must have shook her roughly immediately before court and said “bitch, you betta say this or you are screwed, you crawl under her robe and kiss her ass, now!”), the judge ignores it, gives her 90 days in the clink, and Lindsay bursts into tears which cleansed my soul. Good. Next! We’re looking at you, Charlie Sheen.

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Perez Hilton Is One Dumb Bitch

June 15, 2010
Please tell me someone punched him after this picture was taken.

Please tell me someone punched him after this picture was taken.

Anytime Karma twists its lips into a sneer and kicks Perez Hilton in the cooch (don’t make an argument that there’s a penis there, we all watched his sobbing Wil.i.am beat me up video), I consider going back to being Catholic and hauling ass to the nearest church to thank Jesus. Because he was dumb enough to allegedly Twitter a link to a photo of Miley Cyrus‘ vagina. And she’s 17. Which means she’s not of age. Which means it was illegal. Which means someone at the LA DA’s office with a particular dislike for his gross ass could pursue this in a court of law. Which means he could go to jail. Which means I could take over, be way (ok, a little) less irritating and ascend to that bitch’s throne. Oh, who am I kidding…it would totally be that slut over at DListed.

From Salon:

“We’re not talking about a misdemeanor,” attorney Jeffrey Douglas told the website. “You don’t have to know what the definition of the law is; all you have to do is knowingly distribute the photograph.”

On Monday night, Hilton posted a video — not a direct response to the photo link, mind you — in which he says that “it’s OK for Miley to be a little sexier, because she’s almost 18.” And on Tuesday afternoon he posted a link to a picture of Miley fully clothed, allegedly “proving” underwear was present because you can see it through her frock.

Which makes it so much more wholesome, as he’s trying to drill to see if a 17-year-old girl has panties on to prove his point. This is one dumb cow. And I don’t mean Miley. She’s a woodchuck. Miley is annoying me lately, but I hope she and her boyfriend father run with this and sue that tub.

Where do I sign the petition to make sure they prosecute him? Then again, this is LA. Lindsay Lohan could fucking behead a nun and throw it at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre while driving past in a stolen car and only catch some community service time which she would ignore.

Oh yeah, and I realize that I do the same thing as Perez does. But I think I’m at least a little more entertaining. And I don’t wear those clothes. Or that wig. Or those hats. Fuck, compared to him I should be receiving some sort of citation for bravery and the key to the city.

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Oh, Yuck…

June 14, 2010
The BP oil spill has competition...

The BP oil spill has competition...

I hope this picture makes mothers re-think their approval of their elementary age and tween daughters screaming in delight over 12-year-old lesbian Justin Bieber. Because that’s him frolicking in the surf with….Kim Kardashian. Gross.

People reports that Justin and that ass were taking part in a photoshoot at the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas. Hopefully it was some sort of PSA campaign warning kids about the dangers of associating with trampy uselessness.

In shocking news, Justin has been linked with Kim in the past, leading her to RECEIVE DEATH THREATS from enraged Bieber Babies. HAHAHAH!

Some Bieber fans will surely get riled up by the images, having already strongly objected to Bieber’s friendship with Kardashian after they met at the White House Correspondents’ dinner in May.

Kardashian, who admitted to having “Bieber Fever” at the time, said she even received death threats. Bieber tried to calm things down, calling Kardashian “a very sexy friend but a friend. No need 4 threats. Let’s all be friends and hang out often.”

A sexy friend. Sexy like scabies. Which you know she’s giving to the poor fish in that surf. But honestly, though, how were the Beiber Babies going to kill her? Suffocate her with Lisa Frank stickers? Roll over her while wearing those wheelie sneakers that always freak me out when a child starts GLIDING in the mall?

Anyway, I don’t get the Bieber thing. I understand teen idols but he’s an ovum. What’s next? Crying girls holding homemade signs outside of pregnant women?

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Jodie Foster Is NOT The Dyke To Mess With

June 11, 2010

Badass. Hot. Don't bother her at the mall.

Badass. Hot. Don't bother her at the mall.

I want to be the Not The Queen To Mess With. So Jodie Foster was at LA’s The Grove shopping mall with her kid. She goes to the mall with her kids? Can’t she speak French? I don’t associate super-intelligent lesbian actresses who speak French with going to the mall. Can you picture Jodie walking by Claire’s and thinking (she thinks in French because she is hyper-intelligent lesbian actress Jodie Foster) “Merde, ce sont des boucles d’oreilles à bas prix-ass …?”

Anyway, this 17-year-old says that he approached her to get a photo and Jodie ATTACKED HIS ASS! His father filed a police report against Clarice Starling. How dare they? Hey bitches, you saw The Brave One. She still wants her dog back. BANG!

According to the NY Daily News:

According to the police report, Foster came up to the boy, pushed him in the chest and said, “Do you even have a mother, you slime ball?”

It got so bad, says the father, that Foster’s son apologized to the couple after the actress finally stopped berating the teen.

But Jodie’s people say that the kid was actually paparazzi and intruding on her ass.

“This guy was most definitely a professional paparazzo,” says Foster’s camp. “He tailed Jodie all the way from the movie theater to the valet. This guy’s behavior was completely inappropriate, and the police report is a fabrication of what happened.”

Can you picture Jodie’s spokesperson being Shane from The L Word? She just rolls off of Jodie’s honeypot and gets on the phone to huskily tell the press the TRUE story, then she gets back on that. Jodie and Shane would make a fiery hot couple. Jodie, snatch that piece (literally). You’re Hollywood’s biggest power lesbian, you can make your vagine dreams come true. *sigh* I had such a hard-on for Shane.

Take me, Shane.

Take me, Shane.

Note: paparazzi do come in mini nowadays. And about these people. Look, it’s their job and bloggers like me pretty much need them to do our jobs (well, I did back when I was legit). And celebrities know what they’re getting into. But people DO need to practice some restraint and have some respect for people’s personal space. My question is…hasn’t technology progressed enough that you can get a relatively inexpensive camera with an INCREDIBLY POWERFUL ZOOM? Jesus, just fucking go behind the Auntie Anne’s Pretzels stand and take the photo from there. Dummies.

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January Jones For The Win (And Not Just Cuz’ She Has A Hot Porn Name)

June 11, 2010

After this cigarette and bridge with the girls, it's time for fucking and attempted vehicular manslaughter!

After this cigarette and bridge with the girls, it's time for fucking and attempted vehicular manslaughter!

Some of you may watch AMC’s Mad Men, you know the bit where they all wear rad suits, drink Scotch, and the gals are DEpressed and OPPressed? Yeah, anyway, one of its stars has found herself in a Lohan. Meaning she reportedly left the scene of an accident and didn’t expect to get called back for it. Bitch, those pearls you wear on the show are cutting off circulation to your brain!

TMZ reports that Ms. January Jones (god, what a great name) reportedly banged up several cars (four in total, damn how many Sidecars did she have, Jon Hamm?) with her SUV near her home in LA and then left claiming that the paparazzi were at fault and caused her to freak and swerve. “Freak and Swerve” is the name of my new YouTube hip hop dance viral video.

Here’s the best part:

We’re told a witness reported the accident to police and claimed that January fled on foot after saying, “I can’t deal with this commotion.”

Which is exactly what I say when I play Demolition Derby for reals on the streets of LA.

January Baby’s car was impounded, but cops don’t think drugs or booze had anything to do with the accident. But she might have had other things on her blonde mind. Because this picture of her Riding the Cab of Shame was taken outside her house the morning BEFORE.

I have absolutely no problem with this. And you're a judgey bitch if you do.

I have absolutely no problem with this. And you're a judgey bitch if you do.

She was at a party the NIGHT before. In the same dress. GET IT, GIRL!

Personally, I think the dress looked better later when it was post-hotel room floor.

Personally, I think the dress looked better later when it was post-hotel room floor.

If she was distraught over being caught like that, she needs to relax. She is a free, adult woman. You do what you need to do, Jan.

I hope I am asked to take these pics down because it means someone in the industry is reading this blog.

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Lindsay Lohan’s Booze Monitoring Anklet Went Drinkin’

June 9, 2010
Oh my god, you guys, I think my bracelet's totally drunk...

Oh my god, you guys, I think my bracelet's totally drunk...

A judge issued an arrest warrant for Lindsay Lohan yesterday since she was supposed to stay off the booze as part of her bail agreement for drunk driving charge #11,300.

Why the warrant? Well, her SCRAM bracelet reportedly went off after Lohan’s appearance in glittery jumpsuit at the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday night. It didn’t just go off. The thing drank all the liquor in Mom and Dad’s cabinet, puked in the begonias and took off with the car, crashing into a Dairy Mart and narrowly avoiding killing a Hostess display.

Most of us who are locked into a court-ordered alcohol-detecting jewelry piece are probably going to AVOID DRINKING ALCOHOL. You know, cuz’ of prison. But Lindsay Lohan decided “hey, I’m at an awards show…why does Katy Perry get to drink…fuck this…IMA DRINK!” *sigh*

Granted, who the hell could remain sober at the MTV Movie Awards? Kristen Stewart‘s mean muggin’ would drive anyone to hunker down with the nearest gas can of grain alcohol.

E! reports that the arrest warrant was called off when a bail bondsman put up $20,000 so that Lohan could remain a free boozebag. Btw, her bail was initially $10,000 but it got doubled on account of her being a fucking idiot.

The rolling wreck of a young actress(?) reportedly Tweeted that she had done nothing wrong. “Who do you believe, oshifer, me or some friggin’ *urp* techno-computer thing which is stiflin’ my career and my art? *hic* IT DOESN’T EVEN COME IN PINK! *drunken sob*”

Can she just pull it together and become a realtor at this point? There’s like two roads here…Eventual Overdose and Death St. or Sad Obscurity Ave. Oh sweetie, pick the one where you live! Buy a house there. Replant those begonias. LIVE!

Because if not, some greedy asshole is going to be sellin’ pics of you on a respirator. It happens.

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If Karma’s Real, This Bitch Is Going To End Up Eaten Alive By Mutant Rats

June 7, 2010

Ok, so earlier today I filled you in on Gary Coleman‘s ex-wife (BUT THEY WERE PLANNING ON RE-MARRYING, GOD I THINK I FEEL A SEIZURE COMING ON, SOMEONE FETCH ME SOME SORT OF OXYGEN DEVICE WITH MASK) taking his unfortunate death on the road to get herself some coin. And now, TMZ is reporting that this bitch might be saving herself a seat on the hell barge right next to your average Al Qaeda member, that Ugandan eat da poo poo guy, and a former manager of mine who shall remain nameless.

Gary Coleman’s ex-wife is the mastermind behind the photos which show the actor in the hospital, bloodied, with tubes sticking out of his body … and there’s also a photo taken after he died. We’re told Shannon Price had a production company shoot the photos. Our sources say Shannon is featured in one of the photos.

It would have been enough if this soulless whore had whipped out her phone or some shit, BUT SHE HIRED A PRODUCTION COMPANY?!? Which means she planned all along to make these photos look as clear and gory as possible to fetch a good sum. Which she did. A tabloid has purchased three of the pictures (even they didn’t want to buy THE POST-MORTEM ONE SHE HAD TAKEN).

I could write more about how cold this trick is, but then I thought to myself…what if this was all planned? Gary had heart issues. Ronald McDrummond said they were having money troubles. Maybe this was his way of making sure she was sorta taken care of for at least a little while after he kicked? Kind of a sad showbiz O. Henry story?

Nah. She’s seriously evil. I wouldn’t stand near her. Nature is bound to take care of this.

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