Archive for the ‘Tasteful’ Category

Joan Rivers And I Feel The Same Way About Dancing With The Stars

August 31, 2010

I feel you, mama-san.

Joan Rivers told E! that the producers of Dancing With The Stars can “go fuck themselves” for never asking her to particpate. Old girl might be 77 and had enough plastic surgery that she’s transformed from Jewish to Asian, but she is up for the challenge!

“I would do it for the exercise,” she said. “Making yourself dance everyday for six hours a day I think would be so great.”

I only watched DWTS when Joey Fatone was on and bouncing that big linebacker ass around like he was sending me a message in morse code. That message was “Dot Dot Dash, J. Harvey take this ass.” Apparently, security at DWTS wasn’t apprised of his sexy invitation to me. Do you know that those Taser things have barbs and get hooked in your skin? Damn!

Back to Joan. This summer I checked out Piece of Work, which follows a year in Joan’s life documentary-style. And let me tell you this. While the rest of you are choosing between Value Menu Option #2 and #6 so you don’t have to cook when you get home, Ms. Rivers is trekking her ancient ass to the wastelands of Alaska to perform comedy for three loggers and a legless Inuit woman! BITCH WORKS! She hustles! Seriously, she’s in her late 70s and works EVERY SINGLE DAY. This is why the older generation has one up on us, their work ethic is pretty much unparalleled. Joan realizes she has to pay for her upkeep, because her apartment looks like Versailles. No lie. You expect Kirsten Dunst to run by holding her hoop skirt out while a Strokes song plays in the background as Joan shows off her hovel.

I grew to admire her. She was pretty much ahead of her time. Perhaps realizing that she wasn’t the most beautiful woman in the world, she decided to be the most honest. She was rifling off abortion jokes on daytime talk shows in the early 70s! You didn’t do that back then, especially if you were a woman. A lot of people find Joan to be a disgusting whore and well yeah, but still. She blazed a trail for ALL of these other funny chicks.

Plus I was thrilled when I noted that she keeps a library card catalog filing system full of jokes in her office! It spans a wall! Who doesn’t like a Dewey Decimal system of anal sex jokes told by a woman in her 70s?

Jennifer Aniston Is Insensitive

August 20, 2010

Caw! Caw!

So, there’s a movement on to get rid of using the word “retarded” to describe stupid actions or a dumb movie or your sister-in-law trying to drive an SUV home from the Cape after a wedding and twenty-five Bud Lights in . I’m not sure censoring actual words is a good idea. They tried it with “gay” as in “ugh, that’s totally gay, Jennifer.” It didn’t work, if what I overhear EVERYDAY is an indication. But I understand the intent. I have friends with kids who have Downs, and that’s hurtful to hear that. The kid has enough obstacles, like he or she needs that in their life. I blame Corky for giving everyone with Downs a bad name and causing them to use that word. Did you see when he tried to rap? If I had Downs, I would be bullshit and want to kick him in the nuts. So it’s all about tact. So here’s an idea…don’t use the term when it’s going to offend certain segments of the population. Like on live television, Jennifer Aniston. You beige, boring Wheat Thin.

Rachel is shilling that TERRIBLE-looking new movie wherein she gets sexy with a turkey baster and has a kid and Jason Bateman should know better. She talked to Reeg and that dorky bitch Kelly (who hasn’t done anything useful since she played that drunk-ass Hayley on All My Children) and was talking about her recent stint dressing up as Babs Streisand for Harper’s Bazaar. And when Reeg accused her of always playing dress-up (well, it’s not like she has anything better to do since Satan stole her man), she replied:

“Yes, I play dress up! I do it for a living, like a retard!”

Old girl should know better. You just KNOW she refers to her cleaning lady as Juanita despite the fact that her name is Julie. And she’s white. So the people over at an advocacy group called The Arc heard about her dumb ass, and let Us know how they felt.

“Frankly, someone in her position ought to know better. She is using language that is offensive to a large segment of the population in this country. We estimate that there are probably in excess of 5 million people in the country with intellectual disabilities, and when you think about all of them, their family members and friends, you’re talking about tens of millions of people who find the use of that term to be really offensive. Every time folks hear that word, it kind of reminds them of all the discrimination and oppression they’ve experienced in their lives. Even if it wasn’t intended to insult them, that is the effect of it.”

They also added “…and every movie she’s done besides The Good Girl has sucked salty nuts.” Maybe Aniston was in a mood because of the picture above getting ouit. That Baba Yaga-looking thing is Aniston un-retouched from a recent photoshoot. And holy damn, isn’t she the one that demanded the eye from Perseus in Clash of the Titans?

Oh and by the way, everyone with developmental disabilities is getting together to ride bikes over Aniston’s lawn this weekend! Please join us in Malibu this coming Saturday at 10 AM. There will be a bounce house!

Antoine Dodson Looks To The Future

August 2, 2010

Some douche decided to “rape errybody out heah” (aka the Lincoln Park projects in Huntsville, Alabama) and Antoine Dodson and his beautiful sister were on hand to halt the assailant who is “snatchin’ people out their beds.” Antoine has become a touchstone of mine, someone I wish I could turn to for comfort and wisdom, rosemary and thyme.

He’s also become a viral sensation, and the news team that delivered him to us like a gentle kiss on the lips went back to ask Antoine about what his future holds. I love this guy. I also love that he’s going to kick the shit out of the would-be rapist and blow up 911’s cell at the same time. Probably while still holding that baby. This needs to be a movie.

I Was WAITING For Mercede Johnston To Give Us Her Opinion!

July 16, 2010

Mercede had to lie on her FB or the government would steal her thoughts.

As you may know, I am a fan of Levi Johnston’s sister Mercede (someone blew the “s” off with a shotgun blast while aiming at a caribou). And I am a HUGE fan of her no-nonsense blog in which she dances delicately around how much she hates her brother’s babymama (you can just smell “that douchebag” wanting to pop out from in between the lines), and accuses the government of stealing the valuable state secrets that are on her Slipknot-stickered laptop. This week, Mercede’s dumb brother announced he had gotten engaged to the mother of his child, Bristol Palin. Yeah, Bristol is daughter of failed vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin. And Sarah is the politico pin-up girl for conservative closet cases. She ain’t that cute. I waited to write about the engagement until I heard what Mercede (her mother used the “s” to try and club the Down’s out of her other child) had to say. After all, bitch is at the center of this maelstrom! And by “maelstrom,” I mean “Sarah Palin spreading those fame legs in time for the 2012 political season.”

On her blog, Mercede lets us (and her brother and future sister-in-law) know what’s what.

“I do wish you guys would take a little more time with this decision. I certainly do not understand why you are rushing things. Unless of course there is some reason for the hurry.”

(ed. note – this is where Mercede accuses Bristol of having a baby in her womb. Or is just calling her fat. Slick, Mercede.)

She also says that she hopes the engagement “is a sincere decision” which “will bring you happiness.”

Oh my god, does she hate that bitch, huh? There’s going to be a lot of gum-snapping and side-eyes up in that church. And I’m talking about Sarah Palin as well as Mercede. Then again, Mercede is a refined lady. She will cover that tramp stamp for the occasion, only carry a pearl-handled revolver in her clutch as opposed to the usual .45, and perhaps even wrap a napkin around her PBR at the reception. You be that example, Mercede (the “s” busted out of there when Sarah told it Russia could invade at any second across the frozen expanse and a mortally wounded Jennifer Grey would pull the pin on a live grenade to take some Russkie troops with her. WOLVERINES! It’s Sarah’s favorite movie.)

These Bitches Are Awful

July 14, 2010


There needs to be shame in this game.

This is the old prostitution whore table flip pic, but for serious, is it a badly applied lacefront wig?

And I know she’s only a mean teen, but I think Ashley is the worst. Anyway, so the other night Bravo showed the eagerly awaited part 2 to the fashion show/country club/my Chinchilla mini-jacket from Paterson, New Jersey is waiting to kill you, Danielle, you BITCH! episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. And shit was effed up!

It was sort of everything you pray for in a gross reality show about plastic-faced, aging narcissists. You had broken heels, hair-pulling, screaming, running, big-haired women mourning the death of class, crazy women who go to “energists” taking refuge in Bentleys, really weird hairlines (what is going on with Teresa‘s hair? I won’t ask her personally because she’s from Paterson, did you know she was from Paterson?), snotty mean teens getting wet over discovering that becoming the villainess on a reality show is way better than being Homecoming Queen, and why being being called “honey” is better than being called “bitch.”

Anyway, I’m thinking that the producers have these tricks blow a couple of rails before having the Kim Twins wrangle their asses to the same events and then they let the fur, er, the extensions, fly.

And I know none of it is actually really “real.” Teresa knows that if she plants her Chinchilla mini-jacketed ass outside in the foyer waiting for Danielle to walk by so that the blood games can begin, she will surely get re-signed for next season. The two Kims know if they stage a fashion show, and play both sides, and have fuck hair (did you see the hair on Danielle’s primary Kim? What, did she let a train get run on her before the Posche show?), it could possibly result in becoming a main cast member next season. After all, they are out one Housewife! Hell, the Two Kims should get their own show! That Bethany slut over in NYC got hers and that show consisted of her raging at her mo’ wedding planner and shopping at Costco!

These women aren’t fools, they are business ladies, and they are getting theirs!

Danielle Staub seems to be the craziest, most paranoid middle-aged waspface ever to grace our screens, but she’s on the fast track to becoming a household name! Who else calls the cops when they break a heel and suddenly can not move or breathe after being yelled at after a country club (emphasis on “cunt”) fashion show? Perfection!

And that Ashley girl. Man, have you ever wanted to take off your evening glove, weight it with a brick, and smack a smug teen upside her nosejob? Ooo, Danielle and Teresa are just crazy, but this one is young and immature and thinks she’s Alexis Carrington. When in actuality, she’s attention-starved, sneer-faced imbecile trash (although, props for “un-beweave-able” – even her totally ineffectual mother smirked at that shit). When she was mouthing off to her parents at the end, I wanted her to experience Carrie’s mom, Joan Crawford, and the woman who drove her kids into the lake all at the same time. Can the guy who punched Snookie punch Ashley?

This show is actually so soul-deadening that it gives me chest pains after I watch it for too long. Considering all the bad press Joisee has gotten lately, how hasn’t there been a mass exodus? At this point I would lie and say I was from Cleveland.

Lindsay’s Parents Upholding The Family Tradition Of “Whorish Moron”

July 7, 2010

I'd rather have Fred and Rosemary West as parents (look it up)...

Ooh, is anyone else hung over from the Lindsay Is Going To Jail party? I am. I think someone slipped me a roofie right after our third viewing of I Know Who Killed Me, and I woke up with the Duff sisters on top of me. You know those old-school tween stars raised a glass last night cuz’ bitch went down!

As expected, Dina Lohan acted her usual enabling stagemom “who’s gonna float me my Xanax money?” self yesterday when Lohan’s tearbombs burst as she heard she was going to do a bid and Dina heard the verdict. Here’s what Popeater says she said:

“This is so not fair to do this to my child,” a flabbergasted Dina Lohan told PopEater exclusively shortly after Judge Marsha Revel made the announcement.

Come again? Fair?!?!

Someone on Facebook mentioned that they sorta kinda felt bad for Lindsay because it’s fairly obvious this aging hag supported her ass by building the “you can do anything you want, you’re Supergirl, now sign this check for Mommy” scaffolding around her. Which made her a sociopath. Frankly, I think that as an adult, you can’t blame your shithead behavior on your parents. There is something called “responsibility.” RiRi Harvey once made me wear Chinese knock-off Nikes from Building #19 with the swish REVERSED and in GOLD LAME (they would be so hot nowadays) to school and I haven’t raped a nun, yet. Although it totally made me like boys…

But nevertheless it IS obvious that Lohan had next to no chance to even OBSERVE how a normal adult carries themselves while growing up. Not that it excuses anything. I wouldn’t excuse her from the Sarlac pit at this point, she’s so awful.

Oh, and don’t think Manic Mike Lohan didn’t show his crazy self outside the courtroom. Firstly, word is he tried to barge INTO the courtroom during the proceedings to attempt to read some sort of statement on behalf on Lindsay. Keep in mind that his entire estranged family wants nothing to do with him, and he is INSERTING himself into the center for attention. This is a grown-ass man. And check this out:

While he declined to issue a comment following the sentencing (ed. note – he must have had food in his mouth or something), his spokeswoman baffled reporters when she urged Lohan to report to rehab immediately, apparently unaware the actress must first go to jail. When corrected by an onlooker, the unidentified rep said the rehab portion of the ruling was “a great victory” for the Lohan family.

So basically, even their EMPLOYEES are crackers. Then again, this was probably some slut he met down the pub and declared her his “spokeswoman.” Right?

Tiffany and Debbie Gibson To Fight Giant Snakes and Alligators

June 26, 2010
Debbie seems to have won the preservation contest, huh?

Debbie seems to have won the preservation contest, huh?

This is what Google Images gives you when you ask for a python and an alligator. So Tiff and Deb will be fighting this. But bigger?

This is what Google Images gives you when you ask for a python and an alligator. So Tiff and Deb will be fighting this. But bigger?

The Hollywood Reporter has their finger on the pulse of my need to know about whatever Debbie (eff that “Deborah” shite) and Tiffany are doing at any given moment, so they really gifted me with this one. Hot on the heels of Debbie’s triumphant turn in Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus, SyFy has announced that she will now star opposite her chief rival for 80s relevancy in Mega-Python Vs. Gatoroid. Ohmygod, I love life.

And not only that, but the bitches will be duking it out in a catfight. IN A SWAMP! Is Tiffany playing Gatoroid?

Gibson will play a fanatical animal-rights activist who frees illegally imported exotic snakes from pet stores, sending them into the Everglades, where they grow to mega sizes. Tiffany will play an overzealous park ranger who uses dangerous methods to save endangered alligators.

In the script, the pair brawl at a party, then take matters outside into the swamp.

Fuck, what wasn’t I invited to that damn party? The party of the century! And I love how Debbie is playing a stupid character who releases snakes that grow to epic proportions because the water is….irradiated? Well, there is a big friggin’ oil spill currently ruining our ecosystem, and the lives of several thousand people, fish and fowl so why not? BP is going to be SCREWED when a giant water moccasin attacks their world headquarters. Dumb bitches.

Anyway, the girls are thrilled to be working again even if it’s an a giant monster movie with crap CGI for basic cable. Please, Tiffany just finished her last Hot Pocket and those things don’t grow on trees!

“I know that pop culture fanatics have been dying for Tiffany and me to collaborate for the past 24 years!” said Gibson in a statement. “What better way to do it than by battling each other in a campy romp through the Everglades?”

“Only in my dreams have I been able to have a catfight with Debbie Gibson…until now!” Tiffany said. “This is soo MEGA cool!”

I was going to award Debbie the medal for best pre-filming quote when she rightly noted this is “campy,” but then Tiffany had to go and use a Debbie Gibson song title basically insuring herself the win. Kudos, Tiff.

p.s. And if you want to see how awesome(ly bad) this project could be, check out Debbie giving her finest actress skillz in her previous project. When the shark eats the Golden Gate Bridge, I come alive inside.

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Lady Gaga Goes For “Subtle” At Sister’s Graduation

June 9, 2010
But how did she read the program under that? She's never gonna know who the salutorian is now!

But how did she read the program under that? She's never gonna know who the salutorian is now!

Michael K. over at Dlisted pretty much summed everything up about this picture of Lady Gaga at her sister’s high school graduation in NYC yesterday. Yes, we are all hoping that her little sis asked her to do it up art freak style for her big day. Because that would at least partially excuse this ploy. True, saying “oh no, sweetie, it’s your day, I’ll just wear a simple suit and pearls, it’s YOUR day” would have been preferable. But at the very least it lets her partially off the hook then if she just wore this not realizing she’s basically taken up residence in her own asshole with this move.

But the real reason I wanted to post this was because it TOTALLY reminded me of my FAVORITE wedding horror story. Whether it’s true or not, I have no idea but a former co-worker of mine told it with such relish that I choose to believe it really happened.

She said that she attended a wedding in which the groom’s mom had it in for the bride. Like that Gilmore Girls episode where Emily finds the carbon copy of Trix’s letter to Richard imploring him not to marry her. She was dead set against the wedding, but her hot problems did not make them call it off. So, to silently exhibit her protest…the bitch wore a black dress complete WITH HUGE BLACK HAT AND VEIL. She was walked down the aisle with her face covered by a big black veil as if in morning. Oh yes, it was all about her that day, kids. Horrifying sociopath behavior but I would have laughed all the way through Mass, along cocktail hour, during the toast, on the dance floor, and then finally stopped at the after party. Where I would then have been able to apologize to the bride and commiserate with her pain.

I hope someone wears a black veil to my wedding. I really couldn’t blame anyone in Scotty’s family.

p.s. No, this blog isn’t turning into J. Gaga but there’s nothing else really going on. Well, there’s some kind of oil spill thingy ruining our planet but there’s no glamour in that!

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Lindsay Lohan’s Booze Monitoring Anklet Went Drinkin’

June 9, 2010
Oh my god, you guys, I think my bracelet's totally drunk...

Oh my god, you guys, I think my bracelet's totally drunk...

A judge issued an arrest warrant for Lindsay Lohan yesterday since she was supposed to stay off the booze as part of her bail agreement for drunk driving charge #11,300.

Why the warrant? Well, her SCRAM bracelet reportedly went off after Lohan’s appearance in glittery jumpsuit at the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday night. It didn’t just go off. The thing drank all the liquor in Mom and Dad’s cabinet, puked in the begonias and took off with the car, crashing into a Dairy Mart and narrowly avoiding killing a Hostess display.

Most of us who are locked into a court-ordered alcohol-detecting jewelry piece are probably going to AVOID DRINKING ALCOHOL. You know, cuz’ of prison. But Lindsay Lohan decided “hey, I’m at an awards show…why does Katy Perry get to drink…fuck this…IMA DRINK!” *sigh*

Granted, who the hell could remain sober at the MTV Movie Awards? Kristen Stewart‘s mean muggin’ would drive anyone to hunker down with the nearest gas can of grain alcohol.

E! reports that the arrest warrant was called off when a bail bondsman put up $20,000 so that Lohan could remain a free boozebag. Btw, her bail was initially $10,000 but it got doubled on account of her being a fucking idiot.

The rolling wreck of a young actress(?) reportedly Tweeted that she had done nothing wrong. “Who do you believe, oshifer, me or some friggin’ *urp* techno-computer thing which is stiflin’ my career and my art? *hic* IT DOESN’T EVEN COME IN PINK! *drunken sob*”

Can she just pull it together and become a realtor at this point? There’s like two roads here…Eventual Overdose and Death St. or Sad Obscurity Ave. Oh sweetie, pick the one where you live! Buy a house there. Replant those begonias. LIVE!

Because if not, some greedy asshole is going to be sellin’ pics of you on a respirator. It happens.

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I Can’t Believe I’m Writing About Gary Coleman, But His Widow Is Acting The Fool

June 7, 2010
The look on his face says it all. This might have been a suicide.

The look on his face says it all. This might have been a suicide.

As some of you are aware (despite Blanche Devereaux’s untimely passing eclipsing it like a parasol hides the face of a demure Southern belle, ok, bad analogy), Gary Coleman died. And it’s sad, because he died as sort of a running pop culture joke. A former child star who wanted to remain relevant but was only still popular because he was a former child star who wanted to remain relevant. And a former child star who would get into public fights with people mocking him, and marry publicity-thirsty slags (check the photo), and refuse to say “Whatchoo talkin’ bout, America?” when prodded. Who can blame him for wanting to hang onto his last shred of dignity, right?

Anyway, Gary’s ex-wife Shannon Price is some kinda bitch, because she is on an Arnold Drummond death tour and looking for scraps. And by scraps, I mean as much money as she can squeeze out of the little man’s death. The little man who, by the way, died sort of mysteriously after hitting his head during a fall at their home (supposedly it was a seizure?). You know this bitch tried to bite him with those monster chiclets and he was running away when he fell!

Anyway, Big Red took her clown act to Good Morning America this morning and continued to elude class and dignity by insisting that she was going to re-marry Gary (she wasn’t named in the will and they were divorced despite living together) and had nothing to do with his death. Oh, and during the interview, E! reports that she briefly halted it to fake a seizure. Girrrrllllll……