Archive for the ‘Television that I can stand’ Category

I’m Going To Gay For A Second: The Mildred Pierce Remake

September 14, 2010

She better have the DOUBLE SLAP down...

Here’s the trailer for director Todd Haynes‘ remake of the classic Mildred Pierce. As opposed to a two-hour journey of dramatic sacrifice and shrewery, it’s going to be a five part miniseries adapting the novel (more closely than the original film I suppose) for HBO. Weird. Kate Winslet is stepping into Joan Crawford‘s very famous role, and Sophie-Anne the vampire queen of Louisiana is Veda Pearce, Mildred’s daughter who puts the “face” in “bitchface.” I don’t know what that means but I’m fraught with concern that this mini-series will wreck the movie for me.

The original is rad. I was never one to watch classic flicks. I can name on one hand the amount of black & whites I’ve ever enjoyed – Psycho, A Patch of Blue, the beginning of Oz, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf…see? But then my friend Joe threw a couple of get-togethers in which he ran old-school flicks that everyone should see. The ones that made a real impression on me were the one with the scary senior citizen lady governess who was lezzin’ for the dead wife and scarin’ the pants off the new one (I believe she showed off the dead ladies’ squirrel covers?) and Mildred Pierce. Mainly because it didn’t matter that it was black and white. Joan (who in real life was a big fucking mess) was MELODRAMA. Sacrificing herself for a BITCH daughter who hates that its her mom’s waitress job keeping them afloat and still gives her the business even when Mom opens Mildred’s theme restaurants all across Cali because Mom is still “common” and Veda has tentacles coming out of her because she’s from the 13th portcullis of Hades and then Mildred has had ENOUGH and you’ve heard of the double clap (?) well, Mildred hands Veda a DOUBLE SLAP because bitch keeps fixing her mouth to say hainty things.


Despite the DOUBLE SLAP, Veda gets on the man Millie married to improve her social standing in Veda’s eyes and then someone gets shot and I’ve spoiled you enough on this film classic. It’s just…really, really good. It’s hardcore. And by that I mean the real deal, the big eyes and the 40s hair and all the sexy subtext and Joan’s infinite patience and pluck as our beleaguered heroine Mill. I know Kate can make this her own because she’s the shit and its Todd Haynes who made Velvet Goldmine. And I mean, Velvet Goldmine.

I have my doubts about Evan Rachel Wood. She turned the vampire queen who could have been glamorous and deadly into a minor character from Dynasty. And not even Joan or Linda…we’re talkin’ Stephanie Beachum. Your veil and poodleless skirt are overpowering your acting, Evan.

I assume this is going to be a whole different animal and won’t sully Joan’s memory at all. I mean, more sullied than a child-abusing alcoholic already has been by her vengeful daughter. Did mother have the last laugh? Did she?

This post has been brought to you by the letter GAY. DOUBLE SLAP!

How Project Runway Got Its Mood Back

August 27, 2010

Stop talking.

(Ed. Note – there are spoilers for this week’s episode of ProjRun up in this bitch.)

God, that was SUPPOSED to be a clever takeoff of that Angela Bassett movie where she picks up young stud ass in Jamaica and rediscovers fucking or something…and then I referenced Mood (which has a dog now?!?) because “Mood” and “Groove” and “oo” and if you have to explain it…how awful. Seriously, Sharon Osbourne just triggered the big red X on me. I should really change it, but my other post title idea was “Gretchen Is A Cooze” but that’s sort of blunt.

Anyway, has anyone noticed that someone over at Project Runway Quality Control came off of disability (burnt by a cigarette pant) and started doing their job? Because ProjRun is the best it’s been since the shit moved to Lifetime!


Antoine Dodson Looks To The Future

August 2, 2010

Some douche decided to “rape errybody out heah” (aka the Lincoln Park projects in Huntsville, Alabama) and Antoine Dodson and his beautiful sister were on hand to halt the assailant who is “snatchin’ people out their beds.” Antoine has become a touchstone of mine, someone I wish I could turn to for comfort and wisdom, rosemary and thyme.

He’s also become a viral sensation, and the news team that delivered him to us like a gentle kiss on the lips went back to ask Antoine about what his future holds. I love this guy. I also love that he’s going to kick the shit out of the would-be rapist and blow up 911’s cell at the same time. Probably while still holding that baby. This needs to be a movie.

The Real Highlight Of This Debbie Gibson/Tiffany Catfight is The Hot Piece In The Deputy Uniform

July 27, 2010

Vodpod videos no longer available.

gatoroid, posted with vodpod

Bitch, please. I have the same reaction to Teri Hatcher too, Kathyrn. You just want to club her like a seal.

The above footage are outtakes from a cat scratch fever brawl between TIFFANY and MUTHATRUCKIN’ DEBBIE GIBSON on the set of Scorcese’s Mega-Python Vs. Gatoroid. Pies, cleavage, Tiffany’s now juicy juice ass and plastic champagne sippy glasses from Izzaparty (there’s a LOT of financial backing behind this SyFy masterpiece) go flying in all directions. Homegirls end up wet in a swamp (because of the swamp, this is a family film) but the real deal is that broad with the shocked expression on her face representin’ the popo! Mrs. McCluskey, I see you!

That’s hot character actress Kathryn Joosten, who plays the evil (and by “evil” I mean “the only reason to watch that show since they killed Edie”) neighbor to Felicity Huffman on Desperate Housewives. I know they sorta hint that she has a heart of gold, but I used to love to watch her scare children and irritate the yentas up on Wisteria Lane. I often wanted her to cuff Teri Hatcher one in the Botox. Just on principle.

Ms. Joosten needs to pay that condo note, so she will appear in a whole bunch of silly shit. And bring class to every occasion!

So not only is this shit going to have bad CGI, dueling 80s pop queens in bad prom dresses from Cache’s 1992 collection, and what I pray will be softcore porn actresses in bikinis being chomped on by radioactive animals…but Karen McCluskey is the sherrif! She’s the sherrif. My DVR is going to give me oral out of gratitude!

Remind Me To Start Watching ‘House’ Regularly

July 22, 2010

Do drugs with us. Or get out. Here's your throwing knife.

What the devil is going on over at the House set? It sounds like a non-stop sadomasochistic cocainya disco party! I will say that a friend of a friend used to work in the costume department over there and claims Cuddy is totally seeing people next Tuesday with demands for flunkies to be available to tie her shoelaces. True story. Bend over like the rest of us do, hooker! TMZ is reporting that a former assistant prop master for the show named Carl Jones is suing producers and other people on the set over some CRAZY shit. He was fired in March.

In the suit, Jones claims he was harassed by two of his supervisors for refusing to engage in “visits to strip bars, participation in getting drunk, stoned or intoxicated on cocaine, to participate in sexual conduct at the trailer, and other dangerous conduct.”

Jones claims the supervisors would often refer to him — and other employees — as “fags, pussies, bitches, slaves, dummies, retards and idiots.”

Jones also claims one of his supervisors brought a gun to the set “several times”

Sounds like my last job. Carl also says there was knife-throwing on the set while drunk on tequila (Party! You know that Jennifer Morrison ho is good with a shank) and that his complaints to an executive producer were what got him blackballed and then fired. He says that this left him massively depressed and somehow physically injured. He is suing NBC Universal for a cool million. House’s masters are saying that the suit is “without merit.”

I always knew the dude from Dead Poets’ Society would slap me in the face with “fag!” and demand I blow some coke off a stripper’s hey nanny nanny if I ever partied with him. You know he’s got a freaky secret.

And if I may impart my view on House. I’ve watched the show a couple of times, and it’s entertaining. But if that twat with the cane started giving me sarcasm and shade when I was laying there dying? I would rise up and hit that bug-eyed slut in the face with my IV pole! Not cute.

Jersey’s Finest Want To Get Paid (More)

July 19, 2010

If there isn't a Season 3, I will kill myself by swallowing vast quantities of Axe combination bodyspray/roofie pheromone.

You might have to go to the club yourself, wearing some Affliction and Ed Hardy mess, doing cartwheels while baring your vagine and pounding the ground like an ape in heat, because Season 3 of Jersey Shore has stopped filming. Bump-Its don’t come cheap, bitch! Who’s gonna put herp in the jacuzzi now? *crestfallen*

Filming of the third season of Jersey Shore has come grinding to a halt due to a strike! Snookie‘s doing some Norma Rae shit! Picture her goblin ass up on a workbench, holding a UNION sign! And then eating a pickle. TMZ says that the cast are demanding more money per episode.

The cast was supposed to begin shooting “at home” scenes today for season three, but we’re told JWoww, Ronnie, Sammi, Pauly D and Vinny — who are spread out between New York and Rhode Island — told the crews they weren’t shooting without new contracts.

The Situation and Snooki are supposed to shoot tomorrow, and we’re told Snooki plans to do the same

But wait, did you know that MTV considers jerky-bodied The Situation to be the the show’s breakout guido? They offered him some sort of secret contract to secure his Axe-smelling self in the MTV corral. Uh, hello….there’s a tiny pumpkin-faced ankle biter who is CLEARLY shining brighter than the sun in that house!

According to the proposed deal, MTV is offering Mikey a one-time bonus for the impending Season 2 in Miami, ranging from $60,000 to $180,000, depending on ratings.

Word is that one of the coverboys of New York magazine’s “Queer” issue (hee) will snatch $27,500 to $45,000 an episode for Season 4. Right now, all these bitches only make 10K. “Only.” What am I saying? Hell, pay me $100 an episode to go down to the club with a blowback and a fake bake and act gross and I’d do it. It’s open bar, right? I can get into a tube dress and do midget ninja cartwheels while men throw beer at my nethers!

The Situation hasn’t accepted this deal yet, according to TMZ.

Does this mean that when the rest of the trogs find out The Situation is clearing more cash than them, they are going to turn on each other and there’s going to be tanning grease and blood all over the duck phone? Hopefully.

Tiffany and Debbie Gibson To Fight Giant Snakes and Alligators

June 26, 2010
Debbie seems to have won the preservation contest, huh?

Debbie seems to have won the preservation contest, huh?

This is what Google Images gives you when you ask for a python and an alligator. So Tiff and Deb will be fighting this. But bigger?

This is what Google Images gives you when you ask for a python and an alligator. So Tiff and Deb will be fighting this. But bigger?

The Hollywood Reporter has their finger on the pulse of my need to know about whatever Debbie (eff that “Deborah” shite) and Tiffany are doing at any given moment, so they really gifted me with this one. Hot on the heels of Debbie’s triumphant turn in Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus, SyFy has announced that she will now star opposite her chief rival for 80s relevancy in Mega-Python Vs. Gatoroid. Ohmygod, I love life.

And not only that, but the bitches will be duking it out in a catfight. IN A SWAMP! Is Tiffany playing Gatoroid?

Gibson will play a fanatical animal-rights activist who frees illegally imported exotic snakes from pet stores, sending them into the Everglades, where they grow to mega sizes. Tiffany will play an overzealous park ranger who uses dangerous methods to save endangered alligators.

In the script, the pair brawl at a party, then take matters outside into the swamp.

Fuck, what wasn’t I invited to that damn party? The party of the century! And I love how Debbie is playing a stupid character who releases snakes that grow to epic proportions because the water is….irradiated? Well, there is a big friggin’ oil spill currently ruining our ecosystem, and the lives of several thousand people, fish and fowl so why not? BP is going to be SCREWED when a giant water moccasin attacks their world headquarters. Dumb bitches.

Anyway, the girls are thrilled to be working again even if it’s an a giant monster movie with crap CGI for basic cable. Please, Tiffany just finished her last Hot Pocket and those things don’t grow on trees!

“I know that pop culture fanatics have been dying for Tiffany and me to collaborate for the past 24 years!” said Gibson in a statement. “What better way to do it than by battling each other in a campy romp through the Everglades?”

“Only in my dreams have I been able to have a catfight with Debbie Gibson…until now!” Tiffany said. “This is soo MEGA cool!”

I was going to award Debbie the medal for best pre-filming quote when she rightly noted this is “campy,” but then Tiffany had to go and use a Debbie Gibson song title basically insuring herself the win. Kudos, Tiff.

p.s. And if you want to see how awesome(ly bad) this project could be, check out Debbie giving her finest actress skillz in her previous project. When the shark eats the Golden Gate Bridge, I come alive inside.

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Initial Thoughts on Top Chef Washington DC (And Praise For Getting Rid of Dreadlock Dude)

June 18, 2010
The problem here is that they don't make hairnets that big...

The problem here is that they don't make hairnets that big...

I don't know why I bothered thinking they could recapture the Kevin/Eli hotness.

I don't know why I bothered thinking they could recapture the Kevin/Eli hotness.

Top Chef DC premiered this week on Bravo. And I almost couldn’t watch it. For real, I turned to Scotty and said “I don’t think I can watch this. His hair is making me sick. Am I seriously going to be reduced to watching So You Think You Can Dance?

Yeah, I’m talking about John from Michigan, the awkward but seemingly nice dude with the most grotesque hair this side of a dilapidated petting zoo. When he walked on camera, and the dirty dreads were hanging down his back, I almost yuked in my Hamburger Helper (we’re gourmets here). I know he was picked as cannon fodder (you probably should make your own puff pastries, Reggaeton, this is not Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee!) but the casting director needs to be slapped!


I Love You, Pam.

June 14, 2010

Watching the True Blood season premiere this morning (I was FAR too wretched from this weekend’s Boston Shame festivities to watch it last night), I realized that one of the biggest draws of this show is this one. She’s that bitch, if you know what I’m saying.

The many faces of Pam. Glam Pam.

The many faces of Pam. Glam Pam.


Really? Really? You’re Gonna Kill Rue? Fuck You.

June 3, 2010
Who knew she wrote a book about her man adventures? I didn't! *sob*

Who knew she wrote a book about her man adventures? I didn't! *sob*

Ya know…this is not the time right now to hear that there’s only one Golden Girl left and the vivacious and horny as all hell southern belle known as Blanche…wait, sorry…the vivacious and incredibly talented actress who PLAYED her, Rue McClanahan, died this morning of a massive stroke. One of my heroes in life was 76 when she passed onto Big Daddy’s plantation in the sky.

I seriously can’t take this shite. It’s been a week-weekend-week of ills, and now Blanche Devereaux is no longer around to show us how to use our feminine wiles and a sloe gin fizz to lure a man into our palm tree-painted boudouirs.

If you watch the reruns (as we all do), you will note that Rue often had the best comedic timing of the bunch. Her expressions, and the way she delivered a line so skillfully and deliberately for comedic detonation, were unparalled in the history of television comedy. Well, except for Bea and Betty and Estelle. I am tearing up.

Rue won an Emmy in 1987. And rightfully so. The LA Times had a quote from her about playing the succulent honeyblossom known as Blanche:

Her Blanche Devereaux, she said, “is in love with life and she loves men. I think she has an attitude toward women that’s competitive. She is friends with Dorothy and Rose, but if she has enough provocation she becomes competitive with them. I think basically she’s insecure. It’s the other side of the Don Juan syndrome.”

I don’t have anything else. The world’s emptier. There is no God. Betty, get frozen now and make sure they don’t play kickball with your head like they did to Ted Williams.

For your pleasure (and your mourning), here’s some Blanche moments I found on YouTube. Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to sit in the corner with a cheesecake, collecting lingerie for needy sexy people and wishing for a kinder, gentler time (the 80s) when funny old bitches didn’t die on me.

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