Archive for the ‘That not so fresh feeling’ Category

Overheard: Wollaston MBTA Station 6:45 PM (FIGHT!)

August 1, 2012

“DUDE FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK DUDE!”

“FUCK FUCK FUCK DUDE FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!”

“DUDE DUDE DUDE DUDE FUCK FUCK FUCK!”

That’s how their conversation initially sounded to the person unschooled in “young douchebag.” Eventually I and the other spectators who were just trying to mind our individual business while waiting for our rides were able to figure out that someone gave someone a dirty look. A girlfriend might have been involved? Pinhead #1 was white and short. Pinhead #2 was perhaps Filipino(?) and short. I say “Filipino” because he had brown skin and Asian features. I am a close-to-middle aged white woman and I have next to no clue how to discern between certain ethnicities. White people in America are clueless. There’s guilt about it. To be frank, there’s not so much “guilt” as there is “fear of being found out as ignorant.” Yes, I worry about these things.

Pinheads #1 and #2 did a lot of literal chest thumping, I noticed Pinhead #2 still had one earbud in. Was he being coached? It’s like Cyrano De Roxanne!I need to completely remove my ear buds when I speak to people, and when I order at Dunkies so I am sure to SCREAM at the counter person without meaning to.

The threats and dialogue got increasingly more amusing. It was confirmed by the smirks and chuckles of the two other young men trying to separate them.

“Dude, you wanna fucking go? You wanna fucking go?”

“I’ll fucking slap you, man.”

“You’re gonna stab me? YOU’RE GONNA STAB ME, MOTHERFUCKER?!?!”

I’ve never seen someone get so enraged by thinking someone threatened to stab them. Most people would just run, or find a brick, or call a cop. Pinhead #1 began clawing at the neck of his t-shirt, and flexing his (sub-standard) muscles. It reminded me faintly of Randy “Macho Man” Savage, a former WWF (that’s what they called it back then) wrestler whom I used to watch as a child and thrill to his weird speech intonations when I wasn’t staring at spandexed man ass and pretending to care about champion belt match outcomes.

There’s more –

(more…)

Paris Hilton TOTALLY Jacking Lindsay Lohan’s Useless Cokewhore Swag

September 1, 2010

I would use my limited Photoshop skills to clumsily draw rifle sights over their faces but I don't want the police to come after me. Celebrities can do that!

I KNEW IT! For real. No one just opens up the purse they’re carrying and dumps out a bag of powder in front of the police. How sick is it that these crazed sinkhole bitches will commit felonies just to get back in the limelight? Does it really raise your appearance fee up that much? Word is that Paris Hilton, jealous that Freckles McLeggins (Lindsay Lohan) got so much press from her recent incarceration, PLANNED to get busted for cocainya. Is it bad to wish someone could be sent through a crematorium but still be alive? We could make the coffin pretty at least..

E! has the speculation this morning. Did wall-eyed fuck pony Hilton get so jealous of her former friend Leggins McEffYouNail’s recent infamy that she got pulled over on the Vegas strip on purpose? Her and the gentleman she is currently allowing in her nethers were rollin’ down the street, with weed smoke BILLOWING out of their car. After being yanked, Hilton asked the cop if she could go use the bathroom at the Wynn. He escorted her, at which time she asked for her bag back to get some lip chap (herpes sores need soothing) and she let a Ziplock fulla .8 grams of disco dust fly outta there.

Paris dialed up the obvious and said it was someone else’s bag, despite the presence of her credit cards in said bag. You know, the ones that had her name printed on them.

And I can see it. It’s not far-fetched. She and her dude were probably frantically sucking on joints to create enough of a smoke signal to attract law enforcement. How much weed do you have to smoke so that people can VISIBLY SEE THE CLOUD AS YOU ARE DRIVING PAST THEM? Did she step out of the car with dreds in?

So far, she’s free and clear because celebrities can sink an axe into the heads of babies and MAYBE get a ticket. They really are a class of people valued higher than the rest of us by the dreck that runs this world. Then again, E! and I propagate the mess by reporting on these people. I mean this E! report is basically just me speculating on that skank’s motivation, but with a nicer looking blog and better pay. It wasn’t a news story. So we’re actually worse than she is. If it makes everyone feel better, my life is a pit of shadows.

Hopefully this will backfire on her caricature ass and she ends up in jail for a long time. Actually eff that, hopefully she ends up in some serial killer’s dungeon and experiencing the table saw. Serial killers need to leave off killing innocent people and going for the ones no one likes. Like her.

In other news, I saw a man today wearing a livestrong bracelet and carrying a copy of the The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. And I wanted to behead him. Is that bad? Where was your The North Face backpack? Can we talk about The Office?

Lindsay’s Parents Upholding The Family Tradition Of “Whorish Moron”

July 7, 2010

I'd rather have Fred and Rosemary West as parents (look it up)...

Ooh, is anyone else hung over from the Lindsay Is Going To Jail party? I am. I think someone slipped me a roofie right after our third viewing of I Know Who Killed Me, and I woke up with the Duff sisters on top of me. You know those old-school tween stars raised a glass last night cuz’ bitch went down!

As expected, Dina Lohan acted her usual enabling stagemom “who’s gonna float me my Xanax money?” self yesterday when Lohan’s tearbombs burst as she heard she was going to do a bid and Dina heard the verdict. Here’s what Popeater says she said:

“This is so not fair to do this to my child,” a flabbergasted Dina Lohan told PopEater exclusively shortly after Judge Marsha Revel made the announcement.

Come again? Fair?!?!

Someone on Facebook mentioned that they sorta kinda felt bad for Lindsay because it’s fairly obvious this aging hag supported her ass by building the “you can do anything you want, you’re Supergirl, now sign this check for Mommy” scaffolding around her. Which made her a sociopath. Frankly, I think that as an adult, you can’t blame your shithead behavior on your parents. There is something called “responsibility.” RiRi Harvey once made me wear Chinese knock-off Nikes from Building #19 with the swish REVERSED and in GOLD LAME (they would be so hot nowadays) to school and I haven’t raped a nun, yet. Although it totally made me like boys…

But nevertheless it IS obvious that Lohan had next to no chance to even OBSERVE how a normal adult carries themselves while growing up. Not that it excuses anything. I wouldn’t excuse her from the Sarlac pit at this point, she’s so awful.

Oh, and don’t think Manic Mike Lohan didn’t show his crazy self outside the courtroom. Firstly, word is he tried to barge INTO the courtroom during the proceedings to attempt to read some sort of statement on behalf on Lindsay. Keep in mind that his entire estranged family wants nothing to do with him, and he is INSERTING himself into the center for attention. This is a grown-ass man. And check this out:

While he declined to issue a comment following the sentencing (ed. note – he must have had food in his mouth or something), his spokeswoman baffled reporters when she urged Lohan to report to rehab immediately, apparently unaware the actress must first go to jail. When corrected by an onlooker, the unidentified rep said the rehab portion of the ruling was “a great victory” for the Lohan family.

So basically, even their EMPLOYEES are crackers. Then again, this was probably some slut he met down the pub and declared her his “spokeswoman.” Right?

Mel Gibson Said WHAT?!?!

July 1, 2010

Feel free to pull that trigger, Dan.

Feel free to pull that trigger, Dan.

Sugartits himself didn’t get the message the first time he was caught in a racist-ass meltdown and he’s gone back to the “Fuck, did they get that on tape?” buffet.

The story is that Mel Gibson and his post-divorce impregnated jumpoff , Oksana Grigorieva, are currently embroiled in a restraining order swordfight. And Oksana just jabbed her sword up his ass by providing the court with tapes she recorded of Mel being verbally abusive about the way she dressed. And don’t think he didn’t drop the N-bomb when he thought he was behind closed doors. So black people can now join our Jewish friends in driving by and throwing flaming bags of feces on Mel’s reputation.

Radar says that the following gems are on tape for the divorce court’s delight. Can Oksana just order diamond tiara now or does she have to wait until this is notarized?

“You’re an embarrassment to me. You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault.

“How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so fucking nice.”

“I am going to come and burn the fucking house down… but you will blow me first.”

“Look what you did to me… look what you are… look what every part of you is… fucking fake… fucking fake. You are the most synthetic person… who the fuck are you?”

That first one is nice. Does Danny Glover know that Mel feels that way? Would Danny and his “pack” show up to rehearsal and rub Mel’s racist ass the wrong way on the set of Lethal Weapon 1 – Aught Four or something?

Mel’s done, right? This would be “done?”

And next time I want to get blown, I’ m telling Scotty that I’m setting the apartment on fire. Does that actually work? Anyone?

This Was An Actual Conversation.

June 25, 2010

You can probably guess that I used this pic because Miley is dressed like Jesus Christ playing guitar in a field.

You can probably guess that I used this pic because Miley is dressed like Jesus Christ playing guitar in a field.

So this week was kinda full of running around and sweating a lot (“Africa hot” – seriously, I am so grody that I sweat through my Ponang chair from IKEA yesterday. This is not a joke, this not a hoax. Fuck summer.) and dropping the blogging ball so I hopped on Google reader and found this gem. Miley Cyrus doesn’t like vampires. And E! NEEDED to let the cast of Twilight know at the premiere of Eclipse last night in LA. More importantly, did the Twihard Tent City people hear this and try to track Miley’s fauxmosexual ass down? Who knew they could hate someone more than Bella?

R.Pattz says he has a simple idea to get the “Can’t Be Tamed” singer to come over to the fang side. He laughed, “It’s so obvious—just watch Eclipse.”

Musclehead (ed. note – that’s funny that he gets that description, someone at E! wants out) Lautner doesn’t care if Cyrus is hating on vamps. “She doesn’t need to like vampires,” he said. “As long as she likes werewolves, we’re cool.”

Stewart was a bit surprised to hear Cyrus dislikes our favorite creatures of the night . “She does?” Stewart asked wide-eyed when we broke the sad news to her. “Is she scared of them or does she just not like them?”

Ok, I need to break this up now. Because I am stupider for having read that, let alone copied, pasted, bolded and italicized it. I have probably pained my two readers who have read this far. You have my apologies. I am truly sorry. We are all dumber for me having done this. I am gaping at how vapid and horrible the celebrity machine is. Oh, but one more tidbit. Kristen Stewart couldn’t resist interjecting herself into Miley’s place. She is a grouchy palomino who will not be tamed!

Whatever the reason, Stewart said, “I don’t think you should convince people of something if they already have their way of thinking about. Whatever—if she hates vampires, that’s cool.”

I don’t know what’s worse. Miley Cyrus hating vampires and the reaction of FAKE VAMPIRES to it is a news story or that none of these people (including the person who wrote this story and myself) have been hired as suicide bombers.

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Perez Hilton Is One Dumb Bitch

June 15, 2010
Please tell me someone punched him after this picture was taken.

Please tell me someone punched him after this picture was taken.

Anytime Karma twists its lips into a sneer and kicks Perez Hilton in the cooch (don’t make an argument that there’s a penis there, we all watched his sobbing Wil.i.am beat me up video), I consider going back to being Catholic and hauling ass to the nearest church to thank Jesus. Because he was dumb enough to allegedly Twitter a link to a photo of Miley Cyrus‘ vagina. And she’s 17. Which means she’s not of age. Which means it was illegal. Which means someone at the LA DA’s office with a particular dislike for his gross ass could pursue this in a court of law. Which means he could go to jail. Which means I could take over, be way (ok, a little) less irritating and ascend to that bitch’s throne. Oh, who am I kidding…it would totally be that slut over at DListed.

From Salon:

“We’re not talking about a misdemeanor,” attorney Jeffrey Douglas told the website. “You don’t have to know what the definition of the law is; all you have to do is knowingly distribute the photograph.”

On Monday night, Hilton posted a video — not a direct response to the photo link, mind you — in which he says that “it’s OK for Miley to be a little sexier, because she’s almost 18.” And on Tuesday afternoon he posted a link to a picture of Miley fully clothed, allegedly “proving” underwear was present because you can see it through her frock.

Which makes it so much more wholesome, as he’s trying to drill to see if a 17-year-old girl has panties on to prove his point. This is one dumb cow. And I don’t mean Miley. She’s a woodchuck. Miley is annoying me lately, but I hope she and her boyfriend father run with this and sue that tub.

Where do I sign the petition to make sure they prosecute him? Then again, this is LA. Lindsay Lohan could fucking behead a nun and throw it at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre while driving past in a stolen car and only catch some community service time which she would ignore.

Oh yeah, and I realize that I do the same thing as Perez does. But I think I’m at least a little more entertaining. And I don’t wear those clothes. Or that wig. Or those hats. Fuck, compared to him I should be receiving some sort of citation for bravery and the key to the city.

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Tone-Deaf Woodchuck Kisses Female Back-Up Dancer In Bid For “Edgy”

June 4, 2010
She might as well be yawning into her mouth...

She might as well be yawning into her mouth...

So Miley Cyrus performed her severely wretched new song on Britain’s Got Talent, and the only halfway interesting part was when she pretended to lick up on a female backup dancer. Cuz’ she’s God-like or goes to church or something. And when I say halfway interesting, I mean not interesting at all. You know when you have to fill out a tax form, or listen to your doctor tell you to stop drinking because your liver is damaged and you just nod and start snoring and blah blah blah? Way more interesting.

You can watch the vid here, because annoying twats aren’t allowing hard-working bloggers to embed it. Why you gonna deny a hard working hooker a john, YouTube? It’s at 1:05.

Anyway, I will state for the pop culture record that Bucky here has some songs I am totally into. I love the best friend Leslie song, and Party in my taxi not wearing stilletos. Oh god, and “Hoedown Throwdown” is the shit!

But this song is terrible, and you can tell she knows it’s terrible because she stumbles out at the beginning sorta half-heartedly threaten-dancing at her dancers, and then, ok, let’s get those feathers moving, girls. And what’s with the bird motif? “Tamed,” would be like a lion or a bucking bronco or something right? She’s already got the teeth, do a horse theme! All the feathers and flapping…it’s like a Key West drag show and the queen is too drunk to be on stage (shut up, someone obviously roofied me that night).

Here’s the video for it. CAW CAW!

Also, making out with a girl isn’t edgy anymore. Throw up in her mouth on stage and then I’ll put you in my zine.

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Blonde Kardashians = Barf

June 3, 2010
This gross pic was ganked from the Kardashians by way of Celebuzz, but I used to work for them before they laid me off so they kinda owe me one. But if they want me to take it down, I will. Even though that's mean, I mean I have like two readers. Dicks.

This gross pic was ganked from the Kardashians by way of Celebuzz, but I used to work for them before they laid me off so they kinda owe me one. But if they want me to take it down, I will. Even though that's mean, I mean I have like two readers. Dicks.

Fetch my pail for I am to be sick. So Us has this cutesy news bit about how the Kardashian sisters (Slutty, Stupid, and Sasquatch) participated in some beach slut photoshoot in which they donned blonde wigs to I guess portray blonde girls in a negative light merely by appearing to be blonde. It’s the Kardashians, you don’t want their whore asses on your team. Blonde girls have enough hot probs as it is with their marketing.

Khloe (the big one) posted a photo of the one with the kid. And then blogged some bullshit.


“I felt very Lady Gaga with that ‘do, especially since we weren’t wearing any pants LOL,” she wrote. “I wanted to bring the wig home to strut around in it for Lamar [Odom], but they wouldn’t let me haha. I think I like myself better as a brunette anyway. I did the whole blonde thing in high school when I thought I was Britney Spears — no need to revisit the teenage years … Unfortunately I didn’t get a pic of myself with the blonde wig so you’ll just have to wait until the final images from the shoot are released!

Shit, do I have time to kill myself before that? Gaga just put some pants on, and winced behind this minute’s cheesecloth veil set on fire upon hearing that namedrop. Kourtney looks like Isabella Rossellini’s character in Wild At Heart, except aborted first.

WHY DO THEY ALL HAVE PORN STAR FIRST NAMES?!?! I am including Kim in that grouping because, while “Kim” is a normal name, she’s actually IN a porn movie. And it’s a golden shower of power!

I think I just wrote this post to mention how much I hate the Kardashians. Why? Because back when I blogged for money (I’m not bitter), I had to be positive about them despite the fact that they are useless. Now when I see that one ad wherein Kim climbs her skank ass out of the swimming pool, and the big one tries to lie in a certain way so that we don’t notice that she’s as big as Voltron but hairier, I am just filled with unexpressed rage. Until now. Many thanks, WordPress.

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Screech Better Shut His Fool Mouth Or He’s Going To Get Zack Attacked!

September 25, 2009

ZACKdustin-diamond

Where does this bitch get off? Dustin Diamond (aka Screech from…do I even need to say it?) is claiming that Zack Morris (swoon, Sun-In and acid-washed Girbauds) did ‘roids in a new tell-all book.

Who in homemade dirty sanchez porn hell gave Dustin “Dignity” Diamond a book contract? Was it produced down at the Copy Cop?

Anyway, TV Guide is reporting that among some other sorta lame anecdotes in his tissue of lies, Diamond says that Mark Paul Gosselaar was juicin’ during the surely Emmy award-winning Saved By The Bell: The College Years in 1994.

“He suddenly exploded with manliness, loading 25 pounds of muscle on his once-scrawny frame in, oh, about a month,” says Diamond.

Is that why he was beating Kelly Capowski in the face when she didn’t return his Color Me Badd cd, and there was that very special episode about shrinky dink? I refuse! The Zack Attack would never do drugs! Preppie don’t play that!

Diamond also claims that the cast smoked devil weed (dude, you watched that show, you would need to be high to say those lines, too. “I’m so excited….I’m so….SCARED!”) and that everyone was fuckin’. How is that a revelation unless Lisa, Jessie and Kelly were lickin’ on Belding’s hang-lows? That’s the information I need!

In other news, Dustin Diamond wants to know if you have any change.

p.s. Sorry, I need to post this as many times as humanly possible.

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Gay Face: I’m Not Feeling The Feather Prince

September 22, 2009

featherprince

So I finally caught up with ProjRun last night (my brother got married and it’s been kind of a whirlwind of booze…I mean, familial love) and something cemented inside of my tiny heart. My disdain for Nicolas, aka “The Feather Prince”.

Here’s a video of him in his natural environment…I guess he lives and works there in NYC (is it the East Village, you know where all the punks he hung out with that inspire him lived? big, big *eye roll*)….and you only have to watch a couple of seconds before you want to swing a sewing machine (Brother, of course, thanks Lifetime!) at his face, too. Have you ever wanted to choke a bitch with his own sparkly scarf so much before?

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I have my reasons. I think his designs (EXCEPT for the lace bodysuit which put me in a rocket to the Planet Tacky and for that I am eternally grateful, the fucking lace went over her shoes!) are boring and look cheap. For an example of how an Eastern European or Russian (what is he?) accented person can make quality clothing, look over at Giordano? Godiva? Geodesic? The broad in the corner….she doesn’t say much but she can make firm threads. He should adopt that stance. Instead, he’s a puckered asshole that speaks.

Seriously, at the start of every challenge, he will recite the challenge to us and then piss about it. Look, they’re all going to be zany and hard. This is Project Runway…on Lifetime no less. All of the good writers (I use that term loosely) stayed at Bravo and now you’re dealing with the people who are bringing you Sherri Shepherd in a sitcom. None of these challenges are going to make sense, so just shove a lock of that limp redhead stepchild fag hair in your mouth and shut the hell up.

Also, what is with the FUCKING LEAN INTO THE CAMERA. Scholiosis? Did a spanking session go awry and his top damaged a cheek?? I don’t need you to lean toward me to tell me something confidentially, girlfriend. I suspect you smell like Preparation H. Lean the eff back! Gangsta lean? Mo lean! Is that you, mo lean?

And he’s sooooooooooo judgey. Just keep your eyes on your own paper dress horror, you knob. Christ. It’s “punk.” Apparently, not. Apparently, it’s arthropod. The Feather Prince wouldn’t know punk if it gobbed in his face and then Darby Crash hit him with a mikestand. Oh, I even wanted to punch the picture of him when he was young. He’s just…there’s no sense of humor (except for the lace bodysuit, it’s the only redeeming thing he’s ever done in his life).

LACE

There’s just big gaping vagine. I’m done with his ass. Which I’m sure all his first dates can concur with. Looks 4, hair 2, personality 0. I’m drunk, so just lube up, bend and I can get a taxi. And remind me to avoid that club I met you in next time, Russian Tea Dance.

Also, I don’t truck with people selling each other out on the runway unless they came at you first. I didn’t like it when psychotic feline thrower and all around hateful freckle juice Kenley did it, and I don’t like it now. Yeah, the rotund little coward bitch lied his weepy ass off. But keep it to yourself and make your statement through your clothes. Let go, and let Tim! Oh, and I hate your hair, Nicolas. Get a perm or something. You douche.

p.s. Speaking of….

METHBEAR

This little ball of pathetic should be ashamed of himself. Lies, lies, lies! Man, if you weren’t up to the challenge and needed some more time reconciling with the fact that the most interesting thing about you is your meth addiction, then take it. What a penis. Have you ever seen Tim Gunn cut someone’s ass up like that after he walked out the door? I haven’t. Tim was NOT having it.That’s kind of a big deal because the Gunn man is usually in everyone’s corner (or ON their corner during one of his famous 3 AM mistakes).

I’ve really only heard him throw serious shade on one contestant ever and that was the previously mentioned Kenley. And now weepy little John-John. When he sat there and had basically given up, I was appalled. And then he lied! And then said quitting drugs was easier than being on the show through tears. Other people who have quit drugs think you suck, Meth Bear.

Hey, one thing can be said. At least this episode actually caught my interest. Which is something to be said considering the overall quality this season.

By the way? Can Kors and Nina Garcia come into work please? There’s a lot piling up on their desks…damn.

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