Archive for the ‘The Sounds You Hear In Hell’ Category

Overheard On A Flight To Indianapolis….

September 22, 2013

Grumpy

US Airways Flight I Don’t Have My Old Boarding Pass In Front Of Me To Indianapolis
Tarmac, Logan, Approximately 1:15 PM

There is a middle-aged bordering on elderly couple sitting two rows behind me.

There is a shrieking toddler behind them.

The husband begins to grumble.

Husband (turned around and looking back over his seat at the child’s guardian): You’re going to have to do something about that.

Guardian: (murmurs something I don’t catch)

Toddler: AAAIEEEEEEHHHHHHHHH! AAAAOOWWWWWWWW! MMMMMMOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW! RRRRRRRAAAAARRR!

Husband: HE IS KICKING MY CHAIR! HE PULLED MY WIFE’S HAIR!

Guardian: (silence)

Toddler: AAAIEEEEHHH!! STOP STABBING ME, PLANE GHOST! IS THAT BLOOD COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? MY SCREAMS ARE LEGEND!

Husband (to the female flight attendant currently helping a couple in the row across from me stow their bullshit-sized carry-ons, seriously, just fucking check it, you’re ruining everything by trying to store the Ark of the fucking Covenant in the overhead bin): Miss? MISS? We need help here!

Entire plane  (to themselvessome excited and others dreading what’s to come): Oh, it’s on now…

The flight attendant is early 40s, pleasant-looking but also has that veteran passenger wrangler air about her. This dude is clearly in trouble if he thinks he’s going to tussle with her.

Flight attendant: Yes, sir? How can I help you?

Husband: You NEED to do something about this (I assume he indicated the horror behind him with an indignant thumb). He is KICKING MY CHAIR. And he has PULLED MY WIFE’S HAIR ALREADY! He keeps KICKING MY CHAIR.

Oddly, it bothers me somewhat that he keeps referring to his seat as a “chair”. That’s not a chair. Stop it.

Flight attendant: Sir, we have a full flight. There are no empty seats. Let me see if I can resolve this, though. Ok?

Husband: *harumph*

Toddler: FFFUCCKCCK THISS GUYYYY!!! I AM GOING TO SCCREEAMMMMM!! AAIIEEEEEHH!! MURDER DEATH BODIES BLOOD!!!!

I can hear the attendant talking in a hushed tone with the child’s guardian. The child’s screaming volumes down slightly. The attendant makes her way back up the aisle to the front of the plane. The child’s screaming ratchets up to maximum volume. Shifty kid.

Husband. Great. GREAT. Can you believe this?

We can believe it. The entire plane hates you and that kid. It would be a toss-up as to which of you we would jettison if we were allowed. Probably you, because toddlers can be cute.

The flight attendant makes her way down the aisle heading to the back of the plane.

Toddler: AAAIEEEEHHHH!! THIS BITCH CAN’T SHUT ME UP! DREAM ON, ASSHOLE! AAAIIEEEEHHH!!!! WWWHHYYY ISS GOD TORMENTING ME SO THAT I HAVE TO SCREAM THIS LOUD!!!!

Husband (losing it): MISS! MISS! THIS IS ENOUGH! WE PAID A LOT OF MONEY FOR THESE TICKETS AND HE WON’T STOP KICKING MY SEAT AND HE’S PULLED MY WIFE’S HAIR! YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING OR WE’RE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM!

Me: (under my breath) Seriously?

The guy to the left of me: (under his breath) Asshole.

The guy to the right of me: (under his breath) Sky Mall has some cool shit.

Flight attendant (gritting her teeth but keeping it together): Sir, I have already explained to you that this flight is FULL. There is nowhere to move you or your wife to. I’m very sorry. These things happen. Perhaps…

Husband (interrupting her ass): REALLY? REALLY? OK, HOWABOUT YOU SIT HERE AND TAKE THIS AND I’LL WALK UP AND DOWN THE AISLES, DOO TOO DOO!

Yes, the last thing he said was in a sing-songy voice meant to imply that she walked up and down the aisles like she had some brain components missing. The entire plane went silent (except for the kid so maybe they didn’t go silent because jesus, he was loud). I could HEAR her jaw tighten.

Before she could respond (I actually heard an intake of breath because she was going to let him have it), a couple approached her and they conferred.

Flight attendant: Sir, these gracious people have been generous enough to offer to switch seats with you. That’s all I can do for you. Hurry now.

Husband: Fine. Fine. You know, I like kids. I don’t hate kids. We have grandchildren. It’s just that he was pulling my…

Flight attendant (over it and talking down to him so blatantly that I’m waiting for him to accuse her of pulling his wife’s hair): Hurry! Hurry now! Hurry up! We’re waiting to taxi because of this. Please hurry!

Toddler: III’MMM SSTTTILLL SCREAMING, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!! FLECKS OF BLOOD FROM MY VOCAL CHORDS ARE SPATTERING ALL OF YOUR HAIR AND MAGAZINES!!!!!

The kid stopped crying the very second we left the runway, and remained quiet until we touched down. At which point he began screaming again. *end scene*

How Does 9-Year-Old Willow Smith Have A Single And I Am Carrying A Bologna Sandwich To Work?

September 8, 2010

She's 9. I think she tried to kill James Bond.

So here’s Willow Smith‘s hot track “Whip My Hair”. She’s the 9-year-old daughter of superstar Will Smith and his wife Jada Pinkett-Smith. Willow has an incredibly obnoxious brother Jaden (wait, check this photo, how obnoxious is he?)

Throwing up the deuces? You practically just came out of your mom. Settle down.

who was so annoying in The Day The Earth Stood Still that I wanted to reach through the TV and alarm DSS. The Smith family are always together on the red carpet, and the kids are always in edgy outfits despite being kids. I hate that. I had boogers at that age.

Will is one of those guys that there are gay rumors about but I tend to think he turns to dudes only because sex with Jada looks like it might be painful, like humping up on a large concrete hexagon. She just looks like she has a lot of edges. Ow.

When you’re 9 and fabulously wealthy, you get to cut hot singles in the studio about whipping your hair. It makes me a little uneasy. I don’t think a 9 year old should be whipping her hair about. I think I saw Morgan McMichaels showing a rotund housewife how to do that so she can reclaim the sexy fire in her life on Rupaul’s Drag U. Little girls don’t need to be anywhere near sexy fire. They need to wait until they’re at least 30. Doesn’t she have dolls? Why is someone auto-tuning a 9-year-old?

Imagine you’re the producer and you have to bow down to this little girl in the studio. “I want a sound like when unicorns booty dance. WHERE IS MY CAPRI SUN?”

What about Yo Gabba Gabba and blankies *sad face*? The lyrics sound fairly clean, but who at 9 has the drive to go running around with her little gal pals and giving face and acting like they are grown-up fierce ladies, and being the terror at the food court? Who am I kidding? They all do.

Also, her music has one up on her mom’s. Cause Jada is a big dykie Korn fan or some shit.

Here’s Mel Gibson Sounding Enraged And Coked Out Of His Mind

July 12, 2010

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First off, you might want to turn the volume down on this bitch because if you’re at your office, someone might thing you’re being attacked in your cubicle by a crazy with racial issues. Or if you’re at home, the kids might think Daddy got into some blow and had a life-changer before he got home. Here’s Mel Gibson making a strong case for a muscle relaxant to be administered or a straight jacket to be tried on in a taped phone call to ex Oksana Grigorieva. Radar acquired the tape.

He flips out about her alleged “foreign bodies” (aka breast implants), and tells the mother of his child that she’s a whore and looks like a “bitch on heat” (which makes her sound like she’s on a stove). My favorite part is when he tells her that her clothes are so slutty that he can see her vagina from the back (it’s like x-Ray ‘gina vision)!

And of course he makes his now infamous comment implying that black guys are running around looking for ladies to rape as a group sporting event.

Why do I get the impression this chick was smiling the entire time as she listened to his mania and watched the recorder’s digital time read-out increase?

Tone-Deaf Woodchuck Kisses Female Back-Up Dancer In Bid For “Edgy”

June 4, 2010
She might as well be yawning into her mouth...

She might as well be yawning into her mouth...

So Miley Cyrus performed her severely wretched new song on Britain’s Got Talent, and the only halfway interesting part was when she pretended to lick up on a female backup dancer. Cuz’ she’s God-like or goes to church or something. And when I say halfway interesting, I mean not interesting at all. You know when you have to fill out a tax form, or listen to your doctor tell you to stop drinking because your liver is damaged and you just nod and start snoring and blah blah blah? Way more interesting.

You can watch the vid here, because annoying twats aren’t allowing hard-working bloggers to embed it. Why you gonna deny a hard working hooker a john, YouTube? It’s at 1:05.

Anyway, I will state for the pop culture record that Bucky here has some songs I am totally into. I love the best friend Leslie song, and Party in my taxi not wearing stilletos. Oh god, and “Hoedown Throwdown” is the shit!

But this song is terrible, and you can tell she knows it’s terrible because she stumbles out at the beginning sorta half-heartedly threaten-dancing at her dancers, and then, ok, let’s get those feathers moving, girls. And what’s with the bird motif? “Tamed,” would be like a lion or a bucking bronco or something right? She’s already got the teeth, do a horse theme! All the feathers and flapping…it’s like a Key West drag show and the queen is too drunk to be on stage (shut up, someone obviously roofied me that night).

Here’s the video for it. CAW CAW!

Also, making out with a girl isn’t edgy anymore. Throw up in her mouth on stage and then I’ll put you in my zine.

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Did Savage Garden Reunite?

July 23, 2009

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I knew I loved you before I saw you in geisha drag gayin’ round Asia! Tornetta Danjahandz always brings me the freshest in Internet freakery and this is some astounding pop homosexuality from Empire of the Sun. Get it with your headdress, big girl! White eye-make up? Check. CRYSTAL BALL (!!!)? Check. Empress of China drag emoting? Why does they look like MGMT’s gay cousins? Check it!

empire-of-the-sunmgmt3

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Mary Murphy Is Tapped

June 25, 2009

marymurphy

HOT TAMALE! Christ, she looks like what would happen if the Abominable Dr. Phibes took up selling Mary Kay. So I don’t watch this show but I caught this big-mouthed bass Mary Murphy on The Soup one day and I was taken aback by the sheer power of her nutty. She’s the maniac judge on Fox’s So You Think You Can Dance. Her Fox bio describes her as an “in-demand film and television star.” Chortle. Orly? The big face, the screaming, how her fellow judges obviously hate her and are sick of the tinnitus her shrieking has stricken them with.

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I think we need more big broads bellowing and scaring people on primetime. A wonderful YouTuber (named Jase, funny how that works out) made this great mash-up of Mary doing her thing.

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Her thing being heaving her boobs and yelling out compliments and acting like she’s at the corner of the bar at Chile’ after work one night and had too many El Presidente margaritas and this is her version of flirting with the bartender. He’s way too young for her but he’s setting her panties on fire and she just can’t contain herself.

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Even More Reason To Hate John Mayer

May 20, 2009

This bitch here.

jm1jm2Oh, you big floppy penis. John Mayer can’t keep the bullshit from shooting forth from his yammery mouth. When he isn’t rallying the paparazzi to hold forth about how he got in and out of Jennifer Aniston‘s depressed vagina, he has to take to Twitter because he has so much inside to express. So much that we need to hear and ponder upon. You know sometimes if a microphone isn’t grounded on stage, you can get electrocuted? I’m not going to go into detail. But some frenzied jerking around, some gasps from the audience, panicked roadies dashing to and fro and then a thud wouldn’t be a negative in this case.

Mayer has dated several famous women. Hence this douche nugget statement. You know what? Those famous broads would probably better off with the average Joe. Shit, date a firefighter, accountant, or schoolteacher. Those guys will probably appreciate you more and won’t hold as many press conferences for all the attention. Why does this twat need that much attention?

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One of the worst parts about dating other celebs is that it’s a combination of two overly enlarged egos that are ready to pop like whiteheads. You’re both already as screwy as fuck because you’re mega personalities that can’t function in the real world and need constant personality massage. Join the two together and it’s flippin’ ugly.

Last night I watched that shiny gay Adam Lambert face off against a piece of cardboard named Kris. And I thought, why don’t we just replace John Mayer with this cardboard:

kris-allen3

Zame zing?

Addendum:

Despite my intense hatred for this penisface, I have to admit I bought one of his songs on iTunes. It’s called “Say.” Ok, why did I buy it and basically render myself a hypocrite knowing full well that I would be writing another “John Mayer is a dildo” post someday? Well, ok, I was watching One Life To Live (I’m kind of in love with Victoria Lord Riley Buchanan Carpenter Davidson and her seven personalities) one day and this ad came on for 20/20 in which Diane Sawyer went to talk to poor, brave children in the Appalachian Mountains. And everyone in the ad had plastic over their windows and there was a lot of crying and people trying to be brave and earn high school football scholarships and take care of muddy ragdolls and not ask Diane (who’s a bitch, btw, I’ve talked to her on the phone) to take them home with her. And that song was playing. And it touched me. So, yeah, I’m a hypocrite. I didn’t even watch the show. The commercial was enough. And I bought the song because the children had no heat. Yep.

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Why I’m Happy With The American Idol Decision

May 14, 2009

american-idol-0514

Let me be frank (Miller?  Sinatra? Gehry? Zappa?) and state that I’m not a crazy Idol fan.  I will watch the wrap-up at the end of performance night mostly because our DVR insists on including the last five minutes of it before it begins taping Fringe and we’re much too lazy to go in and fix the recording (I missed Blair Brown and her cyborg limb getting blown away in the elevator last week due to our laziness!). But when I read this morning about who got his ass bounced last night (and not in a good way), I was pleased. Keep reading.

(more…)

Didn’t Paula Abdul Just Get Through Saying She WASN’T Cramming Pills Into Her Mouth?

May 5, 2009

paula_abdul_5_2_08

So Paula Abdul has ‘fessed up about her obvious fondness for the abuse of prescription medication. I swear to jaysus I just saw an interview with her demented ass in which she swore up and down that she did not have anything to do with the pillies. She’s been going on and on about this chronic pain condition for a couple of years now, but always says that she got through it shiny and happy and clean at the end without the prolonged aid of colorful capsules. Which we all called “bullshit” on because there are some episodes of American Idol in which girlfriend is flying HIGH. Higher than the sun! And don’t rule out Hey Paula, which was her Bravo reality show that we all sorely miss. There hasn’t been that much stoned to the gills shenanigans since Anna Nicole Smith went house-hunting.

Anyway, Paula tells Ladies Home Journal (the publication endorsed by many a closet Xanax addict) that she went to rehab last November to stop overmedicating herself.

Here’s what Paula was on for her “condition”:

To deal with all this she had regular shots of lidocaine, wore a patch that administered pain medication 80 times stronger than morphine, took nerve medication and would pop a muscle relaxer when needed.

Jesus, that would cause me to go running down the street in my thong with the sparkles. What? I’m a hot bloke. As a refresher, here’s some vintage Paula whacked out on the M&Ms:

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Anyway, Paula claims she’s….uh, clean and sober. And she even has a new song (“Here For The Pills Music”) which she premiered on Ryan Seacrest‘s radio show. She’s reportedly set to perform it on AI this week. So hopefully she will pass out all those pills she’s not swallowing out to the damn audience so they can get through this.

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Deep Dark Secret of J. Harvey’s: I saw Paula Abdul twice in concert. Look, if you don’t understand “Vibeology” and “Promise of a New Day” then I can’t explain it to you. Plus, she was lucid back then and sort of pretty.

Denise Richards Commits A Murder. Again.

May 4, 2009

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If you thought Denise Richards had ended her killing spree after offing motion picture acting for everyone, you were wrong. She bears a grudge against old American standards as well. Here’s Denise (of Denise Richards: It’s A Way To Make Money Complicated fame) choking the life out of “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” at a Cubs game on Friday. Wow. She can’t sing. Someone obviously had a ten-spot and a gram on them because you don’t commit this kind of slut-on-music crime unless it involves money or drugs or someone else is buying the drinks.

Denise should have listened to her long-suffering father who probably told her that she was making a mistake, and to think of the kids. Though if she’s still made at her ex Charlie Sheen, she could always get him on the line and sing this little ditty. It would be like that movie with the chick from Rules of Attraction where the cellphones kill you. He’d be stiff and cold on the ground.

To give this one credit, she did tell the Palm Beach Post that she realized she had committed a crime. When asked how she did, she responded:

Horrifying. I’m not a singer and then to be in front of all those people is a little terrifying.

Think about how they felt. Covering their children’s ears as blood spurted out of their eyes.