Archive for the ‘The Valley of the Dolls is a real place’ Category

Paris Hilton TOTALLY Jacking Lindsay Lohan’s Useless Cokewhore Swag

September 1, 2010

I would use my limited Photoshop skills to clumsily draw rifle sights over their faces but I don't want the police to come after me. Celebrities can do that!

I KNEW IT! For real. No one just opens up the purse they’re carrying and dumps out a bag of powder in front of the police. How sick is it that these crazed sinkhole bitches will commit felonies just to get back in the limelight? Does it really raise your appearance fee up that much? Word is that Paris Hilton, jealous that Freckles McLeggins (Lindsay Lohan) got so much press from her recent incarceration, PLANNED to get busted for cocainya. Is it bad to wish someone could be sent through a crematorium but still be alive? We could make the coffin pretty at least..

E! has the speculation this morning. Did wall-eyed fuck pony Hilton get so jealous of her former friend Leggins McEffYouNail’s recent infamy that she got pulled over on the Vegas strip on purpose? Her and the gentleman she is currently allowing in her nethers were rollin’ down the street, with weed smoke BILLOWING out of their car. After being yanked, Hilton asked the cop if she could go use the bathroom at the Wynn. He escorted her, at which time she asked for her bag back to get some lip chap (herpes sores need soothing) and she let a Ziplock fulla .8 grams of disco dust fly outta there.

Paris dialed up the obvious and said it was someone else’s bag, despite the presence of her credit cards in said bag. You know, the ones that had her name printed on them.

And I can see it. It’s not far-fetched. She and her dude were probably frantically sucking on joints to create enough of a smoke signal to attract law enforcement. How much weed do you have to smoke so that people can VISIBLY SEE THE CLOUD AS YOU ARE DRIVING PAST THEM? Did she step out of the car with dreds in?

So far, she’s free and clear because celebrities can sink an axe into the heads of babies and MAYBE get a ticket. They really are a class of people valued higher than the rest of us by the dreck that runs this world. Then again, E! and I propagate the mess by reporting on these people. I mean this E! report is basically just me speculating on that skank’s motivation, but with a nicer looking blog and better pay. It wasn’t a news story. So we’re actually worse than she is. If it makes everyone feel better, my life is a pit of shadows.

Hopefully this will backfire on her caricature ass and she ends up in jail for a long time. Actually eff that, hopefully she ends up in some serial killer’s dungeon and experiencing the table saw. Serial killers need to leave off killing innocent people and going for the ones no one likes. Like her.

In other news, I saw a man today wearing a livestrong bracelet and carrying a copy of the The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. And I wanted to behead him. Is that bad? Where was your The North Face backpack? Can we talk about The Office?

I Feel Kinda Bad For Mrs. Jackson

June 21, 2010

Isn't this a nice picture of them? I'm not being a cooze, I really mean it.

Isn't this a nice picture of them? I'm not being a cooze, I really mean it.

Katherine Jackson gave her first “How I feel about MJ dying” full-length interview to People, and she says that she doesn’t think Michael did any pills. Or other drugs. Uh. Oh. Well. Um. Oh, Katie.

“I heard from people that he was taking prescription drugs but I never saw my son in any way drugged.”

“If I could see him again,” she says, “I would want to know one thing: ‘Who did this to you?’ ”

Uh, well, I’m going to say he sorta/kinda did it to himself. Cuz’, I’m pretty sure he was taking A GRIP of drugs. Didn’t he also note publicly some years back (I think right before he fled to the Middle East during the bed sharing with children incident part 2) that he had a painkiller addiction? And didn’t the autopsy show that he was nothing BUT drugs? Like “hi, my body is 75% pharmaceuticals with my pasty skin and fake facial parts on top?”

Seriously, I can’t snark that much on her ass. She seems like a nice lady. And MJ did have some creepy hangers-on who were a little too prescription pad-happy. And she has to put up with that gross demon of a money-sucking husband. And raise three young kids. I know, she has money but it still can’t be easy.

Oh, and she also says that Michael’s kids (Paris, Prince, and Comforter) are home-schooled but will go to a private school next year. Oh, THAT’s not going to be tough for them or anything. Then again, they get to avoid having their grandfather trying to screw them out of their allowance and lemonade stand money all day. That guy is a surefire dick.

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to FurlAdd to Newsvine

January Jones For The Win (And Not Just Cuz’ She Has A Hot Porn Name)

June 11, 2010

After this cigarette and bridge with the girls, it's time for fucking and attempted vehicular manslaughter!

After this cigarette and bridge with the girls, it's time for fucking and attempted vehicular manslaughter!

Some of you may watch AMC’s Mad Men, you know the bit where they all wear rad suits, drink Scotch, and the gals are DEpressed and OPPressed? Yeah, anyway, one of its stars has found herself in a Lohan. Meaning she reportedly left the scene of an accident and didn’t expect to get called back for it. Bitch, those pearls you wear on the show are cutting off circulation to your brain!

TMZ reports that Ms. January Jones (god, what a great name) reportedly banged up several cars (four in total, damn how many Sidecars did she have, Jon Hamm?) with her SUV near her home in LA and then left claiming that the paparazzi were at fault and caused her to freak and swerve. “Freak and Swerve” is the name of my new YouTube hip hop dance viral video.

Here’s the best part:

We’re told a witness reported the accident to police and claimed that January fled on foot after saying, “I can’t deal with this commotion.”

Which is exactly what I say when I play Demolition Derby for reals on the streets of LA.

January Baby’s car was impounded, but cops don’t think drugs or booze had anything to do with the accident. But she might have had other things on her blonde mind. Because this picture of her Riding the Cab of Shame was taken outside her house the morning BEFORE.

I have absolutely no problem with this. And you're a judgey bitch if you do.

I have absolutely no problem with this. And you're a judgey bitch if you do.

She was at a party the NIGHT before. In the same dress. GET IT, GIRL!

Personally, I think the dress looked better later when it was post-hotel room floor.

Personally, I think the dress looked better later when it was post-hotel room floor.

If she was distraught over being caught like that, she needs to relax. She is a free, adult woman. You do what you need to do, Jan.

I hope I am asked to take these pics down because it means someone in the industry is reading this blog.

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to FurlAdd to Newsvine

Bijou Phillips Is Making Some Sense, I Think I’ll At Least Allow Some Mama Cass Songs Back In My iTunes

September 25, 2009

phillips-395x298-famoussistersgallery

So I’m fascinated/skeeved when relatively famous people vomit forth a big ole’ scandal like incest…so I’ve been following this Mackenzie Phillips ruckus closely. Mackenzie’s half-sister Bijou released a statement to Oprah in which she doesn’t actually agree with Mac but is a little less “shut up, delusional junkie bitch” than Michelle Phillips was.

“When I was 13, Mackenzie told me that she had a consensual sexual relationship with our father. This news was confusing and scary, as I lived alone with my father since I was 3. I didn’t know what to believe, and it didn’t help that shortly there after Mackenzie told me it didn’t happen. Mackenzie’s history with our father is hers, but also clouded with 30 years of drug abuse. I hope she can come to terms with this and find peace. The life I had with my father was very different. He was Mr. Mom, encouraging and loving. The man that raised me would never be capable of doing such things, and if he was, it is heartbreaking to me to think that my family would leave me alone with him. I understand Mackenzie’s need to come clean with a history she feels will help others, but it’s devastating to have the world watch as we try and mend broken fences, especially when the man in question isn’t here to defend himself.”

She has her points. And here I thought she was kinda flighty-seeming. By the way, Bijou flew to Mackenzie’s rescue when she got pinched at LAX with coke and heroin last year. So they’re close. You know who your friends are if they roll up with your bail money. Mackenzie went on Oprah (again) today and answered Bijou’s questions.

Mackenzie Phillips told Winfrey that her family’s disbelief and anger saddened her, especially since she and Bijou Phillips have been very close. Phillips recalled the way Bijou immediately came to her aid when she was arrested last year for cocaine and heroin possession.

“I love my baby sister, and I miss having contact with her,” Mackenzie said.

“By the time Bijou was living with my father, I felt she was safe. I did take her out of there if I felt like she wasn’t being watched properly,” she said in her defense.

God, this story seriously has me wishing for childhood items like my binky, my blanket, and my Barbie doll. These bitches could have afforded an in-house therapist and shit. Was there anyone on watch who could have said something to someone? They need to go have some sort of service at dude’s grave and hash it out Steel Magnolias screaming at the graveyard-style. Then maybe go for a cocktail. Well, Mackenzie might wanna have a Shirley Temple….

Oh, and I have to add this despite being pretty much an atheist. Chynna Phillips has hitched her star to Mackenzie’s wagon and has been publicly supporting her (she has an album coming out…not with Wilson Phillips, which is a damn shame). Anyway, Chynna has urged Mackenzie to deal with her problems by getting “the Lord on board.” HAH! I love that one!

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to FurlAdd to Newsvine

When Massengill Containers Explode Against Each Other

September 1, 2009

So this guy:

Joe Francis

Joe Francis

reportedly beat the bejeezus out of this guy’s:

Brody Jenner (as represented by his incredibly power bottom gayish cardboard cutout)

Brody Jenner (as represented by his incredibly power bottom gayish cardboard cutout)

Playboy Playmate of the year girlfriend.

jayde-nicole-playmate-of-the-year

This post-op’s name is Jayde Nicole. She dates Laguna Beach/Bromance knob Brody Jenner. The guy on top is former jailbird/drunk underage chick softcore porn peddler/dildo victim Joe Francis. Word is that he whaled the tar out of Ms. Nicole in a Los Angeles club called Guys and Dolls on Friday evening. Francis is pretty much the human equivalent of a Calcutta ladyman hooker’s fucked out asshole (I’m working blue today, but he sucks) and it seems more than reasonable that he did what Ms. Nicole’s publicist claimed (via Gawker):

“On Friday August 28 at approximately 1:20 A.M., Jayde Nicole was the victim of a violent assault when she was attacked from behind, thrown down to the ground by her hair, and beaten in the face and body in front of multiple witnesses by a person identified as Joe Francis.”

You eat the cake when Ike tells you to, bitch! Brody Jenner (not exactly dry from avoiding douchewater himself) reportedly claims that Francis was hitting on some chick in the club at a dickneck pace so Ms. Nicole mustered courage from her fake funbags and hurled a drink at him. This is reportedly when Francis snatched her wig. He denies hitting her though. Well, that’s good. All he did was yank her by the hair. The big girl! Jenner is then supposedly said to have launched a salvo of tool fistery upon Francis.

This was an unprovoked attack,” Francis said. “The security-camera footage pretty much confirms my account of the events entirely. … I was talking with a friend of mine. I got punched in the back and then all of a sudden, [Jayde] poured a drink, and then a glass hits me in the head. I turned around. I reached over. I see it’s a girl, the head of the girl. I wanted to turn her head around. I grabbed her hair, and the next thing I know, my shirt’s being ripped. I’m punched in the face. I go into the submissive ball until the whole thing gets settled down.”

Submissive Ball: The Joe Francis Story. If you want to turn someone’s head around, uh, tap em’ on the shoulder or say their name. Snatching weaves? Joe Francis should be on The Real Housewives of Cunt County.

Police are reportedly investigating the incident. I say shoot all of them. And then gas Los Angeles. That’ll settle a lot of shit.

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to FurlAdd to Newsvine

Eric Dane’s Sex Tape Is A “Naked” Tape, Guys…

August 19, 2009
I wish the quality on that shitty tape was this good...

I wish the quality on that shitty tape was this good...

This doesn't make me want to buy face cream. It makes me want to have pancakes in a tub with a drowned rat smoking butts.

This doesn't make me want to buy face cream. It makes me want to have pancakes in a shallow tub with a drowned rat smoking butts.

So you know the hot guy from Grey’s Anatomy? Yeah, I don’t mean Can’t Buy Me Love dude. Cause – no. And T.R. Knight is cutesy in a pocket gay way. No, I mean the one with kind of a cat face and a rad chest. Eric Dane? I don’t watch the show because I have other things to do like deplucking a potential unibrow or smashing my face through windows. But word is this one and his wife, Noxema girl and ,well, murderess Rebecca Gayheart, and drug-plagued former Miss United States Teen (is that the back alley version of Miss Teen USA? Can I compete?) Kari Ann Peniche made a eff tape. So I went to the site and watched it. You can, too. Here.

And how bored was I? First off – the important part is that you can’t actually see what Dane is twerkin’ with. And his butt doesn’t match up this nice rack. He sorta walks in and out dumbly as he seemingly prepares to water board (note the separation) these two. As for Rebecca, time has not been kind to Dylan McKay’s tragically murdered wife. First off, smoking is gross, smoking in the bathtub is even grosser. Damn, wait til’ you dry off and can get outside. Secondly, I am a grower not a shower so there is no way in hell you are gonna see me putting my junk up on your lens. Gayheart’s flapjack titters are not sending me places. She just seems…sad….sitting, smoking in her tub with her sad taters. As for the other one, this is just the next floor down on her low level sex work, obviously.

Everyone’s reps are fixating on the fact that no one actually does anything in this piece. Rebecca seems like the kind of chick who is extremely worried about losing her handsome and considerably more successful piece to another lady so she’s consented to lick up on a boob for her husband to wank to.

No sex actually happens, it’s just boring people who shop at Best Buy but have to wear Blu-Blockers when they do. Celebrities are no different than the rest of us, it’s just that they get exponentially more humiliated when someone finds their yawny nudie tape.

p.s. Rebecca’s best role was as the killer in Urban Legend. The more she overreacted, the more her hair expanded. That’s a Meryl Streep-caliber acting move.

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to FurlAdd to Newsvine

My New Favorite Hollywood Gross Incest Boozy Parent Story (Ryan O’Neil Macks On His Own Daughter At Girlfriend’s Funeral)

August 5, 2009

oneals

Start shaking your head now because every idea you ever had about Hollywood being a Josie grossy effed up palace of trying to nail your daughter is true. The Huffington Post ran a hot item about Ryan O’Neal telling a charming story about accidentally (?) hitting on daughter Tatum O’Neal at his girlfriend Farrah Fawcett‘s funeral. Farrah is not amused, O’Neal.

I had just put the casket in the hearse and I was watching it drive away when a beautiful blonde woman comes up and embraces me,” Ryan told me. “I said to her, ‘You have a drink on you? You have a car?’ She said, ‘Daddy, it’s me–Tatum!’ I was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it’s my daughter. It’s so sick.”

“That’s our relationship in a nutshell,” Tatum said when I asked her about it. “You make of it what you will.” She sighed. “It had been a few years since we’d seen each other, and he was always a ladies’ man, a bon vivant.”

“Bon vivant?” Oh sweetie. Your Dad tried to put his John Thomas in your ass. At the mother of his son’s funeral. It’s kind of a problem, and that’s not even bringing up the fact that he couldn’t recognize his own daughter. Cuz, hi – time to ease up on the martoonies.

Tatum doesn’t exactly have all her marbles in the bag, either. She was busted for having a crack attack in June of last year and trying to score. She claimed it was “research,” which is the excuse I use when I face plant on the bar or try to steal your boyfriend. Just don’t ask research for what.

Anyway, Ryan ( who refers to Tatum as a “bitch” – guess she should have taken him up on his offer of post-burying Farrah funsies) apparently opened up viciously about how he never should have had children to Vanity Fair in an upcoming issue, and came forth with this gem.

O’Neal is brutal on the subject of his parenting and his children, telling Bennetts, “I’m a hopeless father. I don’t know why. I don’t think I was supposed to be a father. Just look around at my work–they’re either in jail or they should be.” He doesn’t talk to any of his kids except for Redmond, whom he visits in jail. “I was in touch with them for years, and I was a mess,” he says of the others. “I’m not in touch with them now, and I’ve never been happier.” When asked if he’s sorry he had children, he nods, Bennetts reports. “A couple of them I would take back,” he says.

farrah-ryan-b_0

Thanks, Pop. Redmond, his son with the late, great Farrah, is currently in jail on drug charges. Ryan was once arrested alongside him for possession of tina back in Sept of last year. This family has a bond. And that bond is drugs and trying to fuck each other. These people are the reason why Farrah was painting with her ass at one point. I would, too if I had to be associated with this trash.

51YZWGTCYHL._SL500_AA280_

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to FurlAdd to Newsvine

Don’t Worry About Paula Abdul

August 5, 2009
Vicodin tears.

Vicodin tears.

As you probably know, American Idol judge and glorious craziness Paula Abdul recently Tweeted that she is over Idol and won’t be coming back next season.

“With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to Idol,” Abdul, 47, Twittered. “I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day one become an international phenomenon. What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me,” she added. “I do, without any doubt, have the BEST fans in the entire world and I love you all.”

A report in the New York Times today claims that MC Skat Kat’s homegirl wanted A GRIP to come back to sit at the judge’s table and secrete tranqs in her Coke cup. Abdul, who reportedly makes 2 million a season, wanted 20 mil to return. I find Paula to be an utter freak, but I can’t blame her ass. She’s most of the fun watching that shitshow and the men probably take home more than her. Plus, it’s like Fox’s ratings juggernaut. Christ, weren’t those dicks on Friends taking home $5 million AN EPISODE? This is Hollywood, let Paula have her piece of the Xanax tablet.

Main AI gay Ryan Seacrest concurs as reported by Us:

As far as I know, it’s real,” he said. “Obviously, she has her reasons for doing it, and if she didn’t feel like she was getting what she needed, then I understand that, too.”

Paula’s initial strategy was to let the public know that she was having an issue with the Idol producers not playing ball on her contract demands in hopes that her rabid fanbase (*side-eye*) would come to her rescue and storm Fox’s meanie tv cathedral. That didn’t catch on. But I’m not flinging myself off the roof of my triple decker just yet. Don’t get it twisted, they will probably offer two million more and she’ll stagger back at the last minute. That Kara whatever her bony is doesn’t have half of Paula’s druggy glamour. Who the hell is going to applaud at people who aren’t even performing and face the audience by accident instead of the stage? That blob Randy? Please.

BUT, in case this is legit – bitch should go and get her own show. It should be the same set-up as Idol except all of the Idol cast-offs who didn’t make the cut compete against each other. Paula Abdul’s American Crazy Loser! Like this bitch. Her return would be genius!

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about "Most psycho American Idol contestant …", posted with vodpod

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to FurlAdd to Newsvine