Archive for the ‘Triumph’ Category

Temp Diary, Final Day (1)

March 19, 2015

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The man in slush-dirtied Kenneth Cole knock-offs trudged through the industrial park. The Cup O’ Noodles clutched in his angry, defeated, ashamed, rueful hand followed. Or something to that Stephen King’s The Gunslinger series effect.

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Open For Business

June 29, 2012

Image

I’m toying with blogging again. I’ve had lots of therapy. Hopefully my block is cleared. I’m just not sure what to write about. Little vignettes about my day? Even typing that made me want to shear off my face with something sharp. Posts about my hatred of things? I could write about celebrity bullshit, but did you guys know Michael K. at DListed hired me out of the blue to cover for him when he’s got the clap and it’s affecting his laptop? How fucking huge was that for my ass? So whenever there’s a holiday or he has a flare-up, it looks like I’ll be over there handling famous douche. I hope. FUCK, what if he decides I suck? That last thought was why I see a therapist once a week. Anyway, thay was a fucking dream come true. And ironic, seeing as in the post where I closed this blog, I noted that he was a way better writer than I am. Still true, but if you can’t beat em – beat them off.

I could post secrets people told me, but thinly veil them. SHROUD THEM. So “fucked his husband” becomes “got that used on Craigslist.” 

The posts about what I saw on the T were pretty popular. But now I pay for parking. Did you guys know I work with my future husband…

OH SHIT, THIS COULD BE A TOTALLY BORING BLOG ABOUT HOW I’M GETTING MARRIED IN OCTOBER. It could be like one of those bride blogs where I tell you about how the sand in that centerpiece was imported from Revere Beach. Smokin’ butts. Tannin’.

I need to keep my peabrain busy, so I guess I’ll just post about whatever strikes my fancy. Here’s where I make a promise to myself (I PROMISE TO TRY, BUT IT FEELS LIKE A LIE. I still think Like A Prayer is her best album.) to post once a week. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH. That’ll happen. 

Has anyone had Mrs. Fields cookies that come individually wrapped in a box. Shit, those are good.

I need a new banner. I am taking submissions.

Joan Rivers And I Feel The Same Way About Dancing With The Stars

August 31, 2010

I feel you, mama-san.

Joan Rivers told E! that the producers of Dancing With The Stars can “go fuck themselves” for never asking her to particpate. Old girl might be 77 and had enough plastic surgery that she’s transformed from Jewish to Asian, but she is up for the challenge!

“I would do it for the exercise,” she said. “Making yourself dance everyday for six hours a day I think would be so great.”

I only watched DWTS when Joey Fatone was on and bouncing that big linebacker ass around like he was sending me a message in morse code. That message was “Dot Dot Dash, J. Harvey take this ass.” Apparently, security at DWTS wasn’t apprised of his sexy invitation to me. Do you know that those Taser things have barbs and get hooked in your skin? Damn!

Back to Joan. This summer I checked out Piece of Work, which follows a year in Joan’s life documentary-style. And let me tell you this. While the rest of you are choosing between Value Menu Option #2 and #6 so you don’t have to cook when you get home, Ms. Rivers is trekking her ancient ass to the wastelands of Alaska to perform comedy for three loggers and a legless Inuit woman! BITCH WORKS! She hustles! Seriously, she’s in her late 70s and works EVERY SINGLE DAY. This is why the older generation has one up on us, their work ethic is pretty much unparalleled. Joan realizes she has to pay for her upkeep, because her apartment looks like Versailles. No lie. You expect Kirsten Dunst to run by holding her hoop skirt out while a Strokes song plays in the background as Joan shows off her hovel.

I grew to admire her. She was pretty much ahead of her time. Perhaps realizing that she wasn’t the most beautiful woman in the world, she decided to be the most honest. She was rifling off abortion jokes on daytime talk shows in the early 70s! You didn’t do that back then, especially if you were a woman. A lot of people find Joan to be a disgusting whore and well yeah, but still. She blazed a trail for ALL of these other funny chicks.

Plus I was thrilled when I noted that she keeps a library card catalog filing system full of jokes in her office! It spans a wall! Who doesn’t like a Dewey Decimal system of anal sex jokes told by a woman in her 70s?

J. Harvey Salutes Runaway Flight Attendant Steve Slater!

August 10, 2010

Hero


Not Steve Slater but you get the gist

We have a new American folk hero, kids. Eff John Henry and his hammer! Screw Johnny Appleseed. And Jared can suck it. Because JetBlue flight attendant Steve Slater had enough of the bullshit and quit that bitch in the most stylish, stunning “you can blow me, lady”- way possible.

Mr. Slater was at work at his shitty job on a JetBlue flight at Kennedy Airport on Monday, when an asshole passenger (we’ve all seen one and know what he endures) refused to sit down when asked to by  Slater. The entitled dick went for his bag in the overhead compartment anyway. Slater confronted said asshole, and then got hit in the head with dude’s bag when he pulled it out! This was it. This was the spark that finally reached Bonnie Tyler’s powderkeg! Slater read the passenger, then he went up, got on the mic and read the entire flight! THEN HOMEGIRL OPENED THE DOOR, TRIGGERED THE SAFETY SLIDE, GRABBED TWO BEERS, AND SLID TO FREEDOM! Bitch went right to his car and drove home in time to catch Judge Judy hopefully.

YES! YES! YESSSSSSSS!

The two beers is my favorite part. It’s so American…he didn’t want to have to stop at the barroom and he EARNED those pops!

Unfortunately, what Mr. Slater did was illegal (because we live in a fascist society) and he was arrested at his home in Queens, NY. J. Harvey will have full coverage of the FREE STEVE SLATER celebrity telethon that is sure to take place.

Everyone who has ever just wanted to sprout the middle finger and take to the safety slide because their job sucks salutes you, baby! Let’s raise our Starbucks’, Xanax bottles and hip flasks this Tuesday morning and celebrate Steve Slater. I’m activating my own safety slide as we speak!

On a personal note, I had my own Steve Slater moment earlier this summer and actually DID sorta activate my safety slide. And while it hasn’t been an easy ride, I’m sorta glad that Steve Slater and I can both demonstrate to you that there is no need for a human being to have to endure ridiculous psychotic cunts and their bullshit for a shitty paycheck. When someone hits you with their carry-on? You swipe it and hit them back! The revolution will be blogged about!

Update: And this is so awesome. Well, we knew dude was gay (he’s a flight attendant, let’s be real) but NBC says that he was reportedly licking up on his boyfriend when the po-po showed not to flash their sirens in celebration of his achievement, but to arrest his ass. Did they even let him wash off the lube? He had some beers and then he got some! Here’s a clip of his smirk when he did the perp walk. Why wasn’t someone throwing glitter and confetti in admiration? Doesn’t he have any people?

Antoine Dodson Looks To The Future

August 2, 2010

Some douche decided to “rape errybody out heah” (aka the Lincoln Park projects in Huntsville, Alabama) and Antoine Dodson and his beautiful sister were on hand to halt the assailant who is “snatchin’ people out their beds.” Antoine has become a touchstone of mine, someone I wish I could turn to for comfort and wisdom, rosemary and thyme.

He’s also become a viral sensation, and the news team that delivered him to us like a gentle kiss on the lips went back to ask Antoine about what his future holds. I love this guy. I also love that he’s going to kick the shit out of the would-be rapist and blow up 911’s cell at the same time. Probably while still holding that baby. This needs to be a movie.

The Real Highlight Of This Debbie Gibson/Tiffany Catfight is The Hot Piece In The Deputy Uniform

July 27, 2010

Vodpod videos no longer available.

gatoroid, posted with vodpod


Bitch, please. I have the same reaction to Teri Hatcher too, Kathyrn. You just want to club her like a seal.

The above footage are outtakes from a cat scratch fever brawl between TIFFANY and MUTHATRUCKIN’ DEBBIE GIBSON on the set of Scorcese’s Mega-Python Vs. Gatoroid. Pies, cleavage, Tiffany’s now juicy juice ass and plastic champagne sippy glasses from Izzaparty (there’s a LOT of financial backing behind this SyFy masterpiece) go flying in all directions. Homegirls end up wet in a swamp (because of the swamp, this is a family film) but the real deal is that broad with the shocked expression on her face representin’ the popo! Mrs. McCluskey, I see you!

That’s hot character actress Kathryn Joosten, who plays the evil (and by “evil” I mean “the only reason to watch that show since they killed Edie”) neighbor to Felicity Huffman on Desperate Housewives. I know they sorta hint that she has a heart of gold, but I used to love to watch her scare children and irritate the yentas up on Wisteria Lane. I often wanted her to cuff Teri Hatcher one in the Botox. Just on principle.

Ms. Joosten needs to pay that condo note, so she will appear in a whole bunch of silly shit. And bring class to every occasion!

So not only is this shit going to have bad CGI, dueling 80s pop queens in bad prom dresses from Cache’s 1992 collection, and what I pray will be softcore porn actresses in bikinis being chomped on by radioactive animals…but Karen McCluskey is the sherrif! She’s the sherrif. My DVR is going to give me oral out of gratitude!

Smirky Bitch Lindsay Lohan Behind Bars

July 20, 2010

No, I didn't pull this off TMZ. *looks shiftily around*

A smirking Lindsay Lohan was late for court this morning, but that didn’t prevent mythical goddess of truth Judge Marsha from having her clapped into cuffs and hustled off to the reformatory. Girl, bye! Here’s the mug shot. I don’t know why she’s thinkin’ she’s cute. This is not the situation of a refined society lady.

And get this shit – so since O.J. savior Robert Shapiro dove screaming out of Lindsay’s limo of entitled cuntiness and did a roll onto the highway to escape her, Shawn Chapman Holley came back! What? Then again, LiLo will be behind bars so she really only had to deal with her awful ass for a couple of hours. Though I sincerely doubt she’s going to actually get paid. “Do you want this cami top? I only wore it once.”

Oh, and reportedly she’s only going to serve 23 days due to our prison overcrowding problem. Damn, just release a couple of hookers, a murderous nurse, and a black widow killer or two. We need to imprison the REAL EVIL in the world!

I Love This F*cking Song!: “Bang Bang Bang” – Mark Ronson & The Business Intl.

July 15, 2010


I feel it too.

I admit it, when Q-Tip blew in, I screamed like a Bieber Fevah girl! Q has pretty much improved every single song of the 20th and 21st century! Exhibit #A and Exhibit #B. Anyway, this vid has been out for awhile but the single just went up on iTunes and I think I’ve listened to it on repeat about 20 jillion times. It’s the oddly (I’m usually into linebackers) sexy Mark Ronson‘s first single off the upcoming Record Collection, “Bang Bang Bang.” You need to get INTO this. Ronson is cool but looking all relaxed about it which makes me want to do dirty things for backstage passes. And that chick with the white frames with the deflated beehive and gaucho pants! Amanda Warner aka MNDR? Do you want to come over to my place for wine coolers and UNO, love? Then we can watch Adventures in Babysitting?

Today Was Basically Christmas For You If You Think Lindsay Lohan Sucks

July 6, 2010

Is it my birthday?

Not only did Lindsay Lohan get sentenced to 90 (count em, 90) days in the joint, but the LA Times reports that she was served papers WHILE IN THE COURTHOUSE ELEVATOR TODAY informing her that she is being sued by an LA boutique for neglecting to return $17,000 worth of clothing. You know, what other people usually refer to as “theft.” But still, even when she gets out of jail, bitch is going right back to court for being shady and shifty and cokey. That’ll learn her.

The civil suit alleges that Lohan defrauded a Los Angeles boutique, Church, out of nearly $17,000 worth of clothing and accessories, TMZ reported Friday. Lohan is accused of telling the owners that her business manager would settle the bill — but only $180 was ever paid, the owners said.

In my eyes, the very worst thing you can do as a celebrity (well besides like eating children or something) is assuming everything you do is paid for. Even if, unlike this dreg, you’re an actual working actress or musician or artist. You don’t think Meryl Streep is running out on a tab, do ya? And this freckled slattern is assuming people will just hand her goods and services because she was in The Parent Trap? Girl, bye!

Oh, and word is Lindsay wouldn’t take the papers so the process server just threw them at her hooves and bailed. Apparently, that’s all you have to do in Cali to serve a bitch. She probably stared down at them uncomprehendingly. What a day for her. Even crazy dumptruck Britney Spears has a moue of disgust on her face towards her. The only way this could have gotten any better for us is if she left the courthouse to find her tires slashed and then someone hit her in the face with a pie.

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