Archive for the ‘Utter Sadness’ Category

How Does 9-Year-Old Willow Smith Have A Single And I Am Carrying A Bologna Sandwich To Work?

September 8, 2010

She's 9. I think she tried to kill James Bond.

So here’s Willow Smith‘s hot track “Whip My Hair”. She’s the 9-year-old daughter of superstar Will Smith and his wife Jada Pinkett-Smith. Willow has an incredibly obnoxious brother Jaden (wait, check this photo, how obnoxious is he?)

Throwing up the deuces? You practically just came out of your mom. Settle down.

who was so annoying in The Day The Earth Stood Still that I wanted to reach through the TV and alarm DSS. The Smith family are always together on the red carpet, and the kids are always in edgy outfits despite being kids. I hate that. I had boogers at that age.

Will is one of those guys that there are gay rumors about but I tend to think he turns to dudes only because sex with Jada looks like it might be painful, like humping up on a large concrete hexagon. She just looks like she has a lot of edges. Ow.

When you’re 9 and fabulously wealthy, you get to cut hot singles in the studio about whipping your hair. It makes me a little uneasy. I don’t think a 9 year old should be whipping her hair about. I think I saw Morgan McMichaels showing a rotund housewife how to do that so she can reclaim the sexy fire in her life on Rupaul’s Drag U. Little girls don’t need to be anywhere near sexy fire. They need to wait until they’re at least 30. Doesn’t she have dolls? Why is someone auto-tuning a 9-year-old?

Imagine you’re the producer and you have to bow down to this little girl in the studio. “I want a sound like when unicorns booty dance. WHERE IS MY CAPRI SUN?”

What about Yo Gabba Gabba and blankies *sad face*? The lyrics sound fairly clean, but who at 9 has the drive to go running around with her little gal pals and giving face and acting like they are grown-up fierce ladies, and being the terror at the food court? Who am I kidding? They all do.

Also, her music has one up on her mom’s. Cause Jada is a big dykie Korn fan or some shit.

Attack Of My Diaper Jeans

August 18, 2010

I feel you, girl

This is why she does so many drugs.

I have diaper jeans on today.

You know when women wear those high-waisted jeans that make their pelvis area look all puffy? Not exactly Mom jeans, but more like I was in a car accident and no longer have control of my continence and I am wearing a safety garment under these? They made a slight comeback a couple of years ago but better had they not lived at all! Check out Jessica Simpson looking like pudding in some above.

My current employer doesn’t give a holy hell what I roll through and wear to work, so I basically just fall into the metro racking that holds our clothes in the morning, hope something suitable and not too garish catches on one of my rolls, and stagger to the T. To my horror, I caught my reflection this morning and I am wearing diaper jeans!

See, sometime back in the day, I was probably out of clean clothes and went down to the Marshalls because I needed to look presentable that evening. And I don’t try on clothes. Because when you try on clothes they have cameras in those stalls! Or there are people behind the mirror laughing at you! Gretchen and LaShonda are sitting in a booth behind the two-way mirror, eating salted almonds, checking their texts and looking up to laugh at you!

Yes, that’s paranoia, but seriously..the lighting in those dressing rooms is like being under a neutron microscope and it highlights every flaw. You look about 300 lbs, with a face like a peach pit and I don’t mean where Brandon and Brenda hung out. So I just grab my size and so be it. Except I grabbed these Calvin Klein jeans, and they are DIAPER JEANS! And I didn’t have time to return em’, and I needed something to wear that evening, so I am now the owner of diaper jeans! I probably wore a button-down that reached my ankles that evening to disguise them!

It looks like I am wearing five pairs of pantaloons under these things. Granted, they make my junk look bigger than it actually is but I just look misshapen. And they also go way past my shoes so they are too long. WHO IN THE HELL PUT 36/30 ON THESE WHEN THEY ARE ACTUALLY 42/42 except in the pelvic length area where they are 2? But then they go up to my moobs! Someone needs to laze the cataracts over at CK’s sweatshop in Taiwan! Seriously, people must think I am fucking June Allyson and that ho is dead!

I once witnessed a grown woman go berserk in a Calvin Klein outlet (true story) because she could not find white jeans that would fit her ass. WHERE WERE THOSE JEANS WHEN I NEED THEM!

Plus, I put on a t-shirt that’s an L instead of an XL, which means it’s fairly short on me so you can see my diaper jeans in all of their bulky glory.

Maybe I could work this look in certain areas of Brooklyn, or London but I am in Massachusetts. There is no salvation for a man in DIAPER JEANS in Massachusetts.

I am going to sue Marshalls for subjecting me to this. I will bring TJX to its knees for this travesty!

An old woman gave my diaper jeans a disgusted look when I passed her this morning! And she was about 450 and her shower cap DID NOT match her caftan! But what did she care, she wasn’t in DIAPER JEANS!

Why Must I Cry? End Hazing Now!

August 9, 2010


Tim Tebow struck down by some Mean Girls in jockstraps with trimmers. Unacceptable. I’m normally all for hazing. Hey, dudes should totally spank each other and do other homoerotic things behind closed doors…but this? This is a Lifetime Television movie starring Joanna Kerns! There needs to be a climactic scene at a rally, or hugs on a wraparound porch as the credits roll and we note that Tim’s hair is slowly growing back. STOP HAZING NOW!

p.s. I know he’s creepy religious…but, well, I’m weak and look at him in his natural environment of hot.


Yes again.

In Celebration Of Robbie Williams’ “Marriage”

August 9, 2010

Not the bride...

I added those quotes because apparently everyone thinks Robbie is strictly dickly and doing that thing that flaming queens (shut up) do where they “kee kee” behind their hands at the delusion. Robbie Williams is gay?!? How did I miss this? I have long been a fan of the puppy-faced wacky depressed druggie British Lothario and I never once got a shiver of queer from him. What does this say about me? Do I NEED men to be straight so I keep my self-defeating run of crushing on straight morons intact? I need to get to a therapist when I’m denying hot guys are gay! I need to turn inward and explore this crevasse in my psyche.

Oh, so Robbie Williams married some actress named Ayda Field (sounds like a drag name…just sayin’) over the weekend and we give em’ about two months until he’s back at The Abbey in a baseball cap and sunglasses and looking for a right rogering in his arse area.

p.s. Here’s the video for “Rock DJ” which is my favorite Robbie song, and includes him flailing about in bikini briefs, and then skinning himself. Hot. The briefs I mean. What am I – Lorena from True Blood?

American Idol Is Falling Apart Or Something

July 30, 2010

I used a picture of Paula Abdul with her boob coming out in this story because it's a picture of Paula Abdul with her boob coming out.

Well, this is what happens when you get rid of Paula Abdul. Despite what the Surgeon General says, you don’t just flush the contents of your old bottle of Xanax down the toilette! You know she slurred a curse on these bitches (and then fell over in the limo on her way out)! So Ellen DeGeneres is out, Kara DioNotHackingItObviously got fired, and apparently the no longer relevant Jennifer Lopez and her big ass and I assume that corpse she’s always with will be attempting to stay in your face by joining the judge’s panel. Along with Janice Dickinson I mean Steven Tyler.

If they can JUST get Paula back, this might actually be a fucking hot show I would watch. It’s like one of those awful Macy’s commercials where they shove random celebrities together and you hope there’s a bombing. Although, Steven Tyler can do whatever he wants. He’s the sassy party aunt who brought you blotter acid on your 16th birthday, and has those beaded curtains in all the doorways of his trailer.

TMZ reports that Kara DioLaGuardia has been axed, leaving the judging table to Yo Dog Randy, and possibly J.Blo and (*insert yowl here*) Steven Tyler.

Ellen announced that she had enough yesterday, saying she didn’t like being mean to the brightly shining, Express-dressed potential Kelly Clarksons of our future anymore. Everyone I know who watches Idol tells me Ellen wasn’t that jazzy on the show, and that it just wasn’t her format.

So this could be the end, my beautiful friend. What the hell are the biddies in your office gonna talk about when this gets cut? Besides that girl in Finance’s obvious and slutty affair with the summer intern in Marketing?

Jersey’s Finest Want To Get Paid (More)

July 19, 2010

If there isn't a Season 3, I will kill myself by swallowing vast quantities of Axe combination bodyspray/roofie pheromone.

You might have to go to the club yourself, wearing some Affliction and Ed Hardy mess, doing cartwheels while baring your vagine and pounding the ground like an ape in heat, because Season 3 of Jersey Shore has stopped filming. Bump-Its don’t come cheap, bitch! Who’s gonna put herp in the jacuzzi now? *crestfallen*

Filming of the third season of Jersey Shore has come grinding to a halt due to a strike! Snookie‘s doing some Norma Rae shit! Picture her goblin ass up on a workbench, holding a UNION sign! And then eating a pickle. TMZ says that the cast are demanding more money per episode.

The cast was supposed to begin shooting “at home” scenes today for season three, but we’re told JWoww, Ronnie, Sammi, Pauly D and Vinny — who are spread out between New York and Rhode Island — told the crews they weren’t shooting without new contracts.

The Situation and Snooki are supposed to shoot tomorrow, and we’re told Snooki plans to do the same

But wait, did you know that MTV considers jerky-bodied The Situation to be the the show’s breakout guido? They offered him some sort of secret contract to secure his Axe-smelling self in the MTV corral. Uh, hello….there’s a tiny pumpkin-faced ankle biter who is CLEARLY shining brighter than the sun in that house!

According to the proposed deal, MTV is offering Mikey a one-time bonus for the impending Season 2 in Miami, ranging from $60,000 to $180,000, depending on ratings.

Word is that one of the coverboys of New York magazine’s “Queer” issue (hee) will snatch $27,500 to $45,000 an episode for Season 4. Right now, all these bitches only make 10K. “Only.” What am I saying? Hell, pay me $100 an episode to go down to the club with a blowback and a fake bake and act gross and I’d do it. It’s open bar, right? I can get into a tube dress and do midget ninja cartwheels while men throw beer at my nethers!

The Situation hasn’t accepted this deal yet, according to TMZ.

Does this mean that when the rest of the trogs find out The Situation is clearing more cash than them, they are going to turn on each other and there’s going to be tanning grease and blood all over the duck phone? Hopefully.

Uncle Jessie (Allegedly) Tapped The Wrong Underaged Ass

July 13, 2010

Run your underage fingers through this silkiness, baby...

I never had the fascination for Full House that others (I see you, Bill Cosby) did. Though I was sorta into the mannish face on Kimmy Gibler. When she was legal! But I’ll tell you now, “Kokomo” will be summoning visions of underage jailbait in hot tubs and soft, bushy-mulleted celebrities with cocaine nosejobs from now on. That really makes the song so much better for me. Anyway, the Associated Press is sayin’ that John Stamos has been the victim of a blackmail plot. Wait til’ you hear what Uncle Jessie was supposedly up in, and it wasn’t Lori Loughlin (though it sounds like the Olsen twins may not have been safe…)

A Marquette, Michigan woman named Allison Coss is claiming she had a sexy (gross) fling with the actor during a spring break trip to Florida in 2004. When she was 17. HI-YOOOOO! And it wasn’t just a journey of romance through the bar area and ending up at a tastefully decorated hotel room provided by the American Broadcasting Corporation. We had hookas, strippahs, cocainya, and herp germs percolating in the jacuzzi!


This Is What I Took Away From A Visit To A Beat Amusement Park In Agawam, Massachusetts aka Screw Your Phone Socks!

July 5, 2010
Yeah, no shit.

Yeah, no shit.

Ok, so Scotty and I decided we wanted to go take a day trip together a couple of weeks back. Because most of our time is spent catering to the whims of our fucking dog (and I mean “fucking” in the most loving way possible, like a gentle blossom falling onto a placid lake) and we don’t actually have any time when we’re really alone. So of course, being the mature adults we are we decide to go to Six Flags New England.

See, when you’re a gay guy you don’t really have that much responsibility to handle all the time and there can be a certain lack of maturity for some of us who are…I guess…fun-loving? Unwilling to hang up our Chuck Taylors? So, whereas most couples would elect to maybe journey to a darling little seaport for a day of shopping punctuated with lunch and cocktails, we decided to go tempt a miscarriage by riding the Superman coaster and tracking just how redneck the teens in western Mass have become (we are talking tramp stamped butterflys, the smoking habits of 1970s Vegas strippers, and mullets galore. Throw in a Slipknot tee, some messy French kissing and dry humping in public and puree. I thought I was at a biker rally in Laconia, NH.)

Anyway, the trip was a wash (except for when we found out that their water park has a tiki bar…getting slightly drunk and critiquing the scary people in unflattering swimwear in the smoking area wasn’t bad). Roller coasters…hurt now. Isn’t that sad to admit? And they’re scary because when you get older, you know what pain and loss is like.

And we also discovered that there is a grave injustice going on in the world of phone socks! Keep reading.


Either Dave Chappelle Still Hasn’t Got His Sanity Back, Or He Fails To Realize Meta-Comedy Doesn’t Fly On Airplanes

July 5, 2010
Considering the subject of this story, Google Images was pretty on point when it supplied me with this image for "Dave Chappelle crazy."

Considering the subject of this story, Google Images was pretty on point when it supplied me with this image for "Dave Chappelle crazy."

When I first read this story, I was wondering if there were some cameras hidden somewhere and Dave Chappelle was just trying to engineer some sort of “funny” incident on a plane to show to an audience later…as in “Crazy Celebrity Interferes With Flight Because He Couldn’t Find The Bathroom And Gets Mistaken For A Terrorist” or “Crazy Celebrity Decides To Do Stand-Up Routine In Cockpit To Amuse Pilots And Hilarity Ensues.”  But, no, it sounds like he’s still completely crackers.  Bitch is lucky he didn’t get his ass clubbed by a flight attendant with a fire extinguisher!

TMZ says that former comedic superstar Dave Chappelle was responsible for causing a private jet bound for Ohio to instead land in Pittsburgh Friday night when Rick James was found to be a safety risk. “I’m here to crash your plane, bitch!”

During the flight, we’re told Dave “freaked out” and refused to put his seat belt on. Then — according to sources — Dave repeatedly walked into the cockpit, asking how much longer the flight would be, and started grabbing the pilot’s arms.

And the pilot merely landed? If this was a civilian, he would have ended up hogtied with seat belts, with one fashioned into a noose around his throat, and the aforementioned fire-extinguisher wielding flight attendant would have upgraded to running the drink cart over his damn head. Grabbed the pilot’s arm? Capt. Friendly had every right to pull out a piece and stick it in Dave’s nostril at that point!

Oh, and it gets weirder. Dave’s rep claims that this was all caused because Dave ate something that disagreed with him and didn’t find the bathroom on the jet to be adequate for what he had to do. I’m not one for bathroom humor (I’m a lady) but damn, what did you eat that was causing you to take down a plane to find a sturdier bathroom?

A rep for Chappelle explains the incident to TMZ by saying Dave really needed to use the restroom — he ate something that didn’t sit well — and the bathroom on the plane was “not the kind he needed.”

Uh, ok. Chappelle reportedly checked into a Pittsburgh hotel that evening and was then said to have been looking for a car to drive to his home in Ohio. Except that he was said to admit that he didn’t know where he lived. Ok, well it’s time to stop smoking crack out of lightbulbs and get your shit together. Because your show was really funny and you were a major talent and now your time is spent trying to find…lead-lined bathrooms to smoke your stuff in?

Don’t you fucking make me regret watching that Mad Real World skit with the white guy with all the hard ghetto roommates seven THOUSAND TIMES because I laughed so hard when Tron mentioned that “Katie’s ‘s got some big-ass titties, man!” Oh my god, and we laughed.

2005 was not a good year for Dave when he went insane and ended that show and went to South Africa.  Make this your ringtone like I did. This is what the Harvey boys say to each other when we meet up.

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I Feel Kinda Bad For Mrs. Jackson

June 21, 2010

Isn't this a nice picture of them? I'm not being a cooze, I really mean it.

Isn't this a nice picture of them? I'm not being a cooze, I really mean it.

Katherine Jackson gave her first “How I feel about MJ dying” full-length interview to People, and she says that she doesn’t think Michael did any pills. Or other drugs. Uh. Oh. Well. Um. Oh, Katie.

“I heard from people that he was taking prescription drugs but I never saw my son in any way drugged.”

“If I could see him again,” she says, “I would want to know one thing: ‘Who did this to you?’ ”

Uh, well, I’m going to say he sorta/kinda did it to himself. Cuz’, I’m pretty sure he was taking A GRIP of drugs. Didn’t he also note publicly some years back (I think right before he fled to the Middle East during the bed sharing with children incident part 2) that he had a painkiller addiction? And didn’t the autopsy show that he was nothing BUT drugs? Like “hi, my body is 75% pharmaceuticals with my pasty skin and fake facial parts on top?”

Seriously, I can’t snark that much on her ass. She seems like a nice lady. And MJ did have some creepy hangers-on who were a little too prescription pad-happy. And she has to put up with that gross demon of a money-sucking husband. And raise three young kids. I know, she has money but it still can’t be easy.

Oh, and she also says that Michael’s kids (Paris, Prince, and Comforter) are home-schooled but will go to a private school next year. Oh, THAT’s not going to be tough for them or anything. Then again, they get to avoid having their grandfather trying to screw them out of their allowance and lemonade stand money all day. That guy is a surefire dick.

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