I feel you, girl
This is why she does so many drugs.
I have diaper jeans on today.
You know when women wear those high-waisted jeans that make their pelvis area look all puffy? Not exactly Mom jeans, but more like I was in a car accident and no longer have control of my continence and I am wearing a safety garment under these? They made a slight comeback a couple of years ago but better had they not lived at all! Check out Jessica Simpson looking like pudding in some above.
My current employer doesn’t give a holy hell what I roll through and wear to work, so I basically just fall into the metro racking that holds our clothes in the morning, hope something suitable and not too garish catches on one of my rolls, and stagger to the T. To my horror, I caught my reflection this morning and I am wearing diaper jeans!
See, sometime back in the day, I was probably out of clean clothes and went down to the Marshalls because I needed to look presentable that evening. And I don’t try on clothes. Because when you try on clothes they have cameras in those stalls! Or there are people behind the mirror laughing at you! Gretchen and LaShonda are sitting in a booth behind the two-way mirror, eating salted almonds, checking their texts and looking up to laugh at you!
Yes, that’s paranoia, but seriously..the lighting in those dressing rooms is like being under a neutron microscope and it highlights every flaw. You look about 300 lbs, with a face like a peach pit and I don’t mean where Brandon and Brenda hung out. So I just grab my size and so be it. Except I grabbed these Calvin Klein jeans, and they are DIAPER JEANS! And I didn’t have time to return em’, and I needed something to wear that evening, so I am now the owner of diaper jeans! I probably wore a button-down that reached my ankles that evening to disguise them!
It looks like I am wearing five pairs of pantaloons under these things. Granted, they make my junk look bigger than it actually is but I just look misshapen. And they also go way past my shoes so they are too long. WHO IN THE HELL PUT 36/30 ON THESE WHEN THEY ARE ACTUALLY 42/42 except in the pelvic length area where they are 2? But then they go up to my moobs! Someone needs to laze the cataracts over at CK’s sweatshop in Taiwan! Seriously, people must think I am fucking June Allyson and that ho is dead!
I once witnessed a grown woman go berserk in a Calvin Klein outlet (true story) because she could not find white jeans that would fit her ass. WHERE WERE THOSE JEANS WHEN I NEED THEM!
Plus, I put on a t-shirt that’s an L instead of an XL, which means it’s fairly short on me so you can see my diaper jeans in all of their bulky glory.
Maybe I could work this look in certain areas of Brooklyn, or London but I am in Massachusetts. There is no salvation for a man in DIAPER JEANS in Massachusetts.
I am going to sue Marshalls for subjecting me to this. I will bring TJX to its knees for this travesty!
An old woman gave my diaper jeans a disgusted look when I passed her this morning! And she was about 450 and her shower cap DID NOT match her caftan! But what did she care, she wasn’t in DIAPER JEANS!