Archive for the ‘Wackjobs’ Category

Temp Diary, Final Day (1)

March 19, 2015

cupzfjZz.Em.156

The man in slush-dirtied Kenneth Cole knock-offs trudged through the industrial park. The Cup O’ Noodles clutched in his angry, defeated, ashamed, rueful hand followed. Or something to that Stephen King’s The Gunslinger series effect.

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God Sent Someone To Take Out Paris Hilton

August 25, 2010

My god, I can smell her from here...


Paris took this picture. I always find what people wear to a stabbing fascinating. I think I would wear something more flamboyant. Like safety goggles and a big yellow raincoat.

Rain, rain, DON’T go away! Seriously, it’s 20,000 fathoms under Morrissey Blvd. and I am LOVING it. It’s like someone turned my psychotic depression inside out and splashed it all over the world! And then everyone goes to their Facebooks and they’re like “WAH! I’m WET!” and I say “HA! So are all of your dreams!” And….*looks around*..uh, well someone tried to kill Paris Hilton.

What’s the first thing you do while police are subduing a dude who showed up at the door with two big knives, looking for an autograph in blood? You hop on your Twitter, obvi! Here’s what Paris had to say:

“So Scary, just got woken up to a guy trying to break into my house holding 2 big knifes,” she said. “Cops are here arresting [him].”

The Whore of Babylon noted the amateur knife salesman Nathan Lee Parada on her security cam at 6 AM when he began pounding on her windows and lit up 911. A “male friend” (that poor bastard, why?) confronted the intruder while Paris spread for attention on Twitter.

The light coming off of her nuclear herp sores has dimmed in recent years, and she has been eclipsed by other celebrity tramps such as former friend Kim Kardashian. So anything to get back in the public eye and achieve even a slight bit of relevancy even if it’s your own attempted murder. One wonders whether or not she would have still been Tweeting even as he stabbed her.

TMZ reports that sad sack Parada (seriously, who stalks Paris Hilton anymore?) was charged with felony burglary.

The DA tried to get attempted murder on there but everyone merely laughed at Ed Exley’s crusading ways and reminded him that trying to cut off Paris Hilton’s head is pretty much community service. Christ, play soccer with it. Or use it for one of those home Barbie heads that little girls and gay kids used to style back in the 70s.

Lindsay Lohan Accepting Prison? (Out Second Lawyer)

July 20, 2010

How many balloons of cocaine CAN I fit in my vagine?

In a shocking twist, Lindsay Lohan seems to be accepting the fact that she’s about to be ensconced in a comfortable jail cell.

(Fact – It’s not like they will put this mess in solitary with a hole for toilette. She’ll have air conditioning for chrissakes. And a blanket. And she can probably get drugs more easily IN prison than outside it. I’ve seen OZ. They have em’ in condoms or balloons and people put them up themselves. I’m guessing she’s played that game before.)

Lohan brought Walt Disney into it on her Twitter. Eeeks.

the only “bookings” that i’m familiar with are Disney Films, never thought that i’d be “booking” into Jail… eeeks
about 9 hours ago via web

The last time this bitch was looked at by Disney was when she drove by Disneyland in Anaheim on a drug run.

Freckles may have come to the realization that she was definitely donning orange when her newest lawyer, famed O.J. legal eagle Robert Shapiro, rolled his eyes and left.

TMZ reports that Shapiro met with peoples’ hero Judge Marsha yesterday and informed her that he was audi. This is an easy point to make, but this dude represented a man who cut his ex-wife’s head off and killed a waiter as a bonus. Represented him to a “not guilty” verdict. After said psychopath led cops on a high-speed chase. And he couldn’t handle sitting with Lindsay Lohan at a long table for a couple of hours. Make of that what you will.

Stay tuned today to see if Lohan actually turns up at the pokey. Or if she sends Dina in leggins’, a wig and stage freckles.

These Bitches Are Awful

July 14, 2010

AAIEEEEEHHHHHH! MY ENERGGGGYYYYYY!!!!


There needs to be shame in this game.


This is the old prostitution whore table flip pic, but for serious, is it a badly applied lacefront wig?

And I know she’s only a mean teen, but I think Ashley is the worst. Anyway, so the other night Bravo showed the eagerly awaited part 2 to the fashion show/country club/my Chinchilla mini-jacket from Paterson, New Jersey is waiting to kill you, Danielle, you BITCH! episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. And shit was effed up!

It was sort of everything you pray for in a gross reality show about plastic-faced, aging narcissists. You had broken heels, hair-pulling, screaming, running, big-haired women mourning the death of class, crazy women who go to “energists” taking refuge in Bentleys, really weird hairlines (what is going on with Teresa‘s hair? I won’t ask her personally because she’s from Paterson, did you know she was from Paterson?), snotty mean teens getting wet over discovering that becoming the villainess on a reality show is way better than being Homecoming Queen, and why being being called “honey” is better than being called “bitch.”

Anyway, I’m thinking that the producers have these tricks blow a couple of rails before having the Kim Twins wrangle their asses to the same events and then they let the fur, er, the extensions, fly.

And I know none of it is actually really “real.” Teresa knows that if she plants her Chinchilla mini-jacketed ass outside in the foyer waiting for Danielle to walk by so that the blood games can begin, she will surely get re-signed for next season. The two Kims know if they stage a fashion show, and play both sides, and have fuck hair (did you see the hair on Danielle’s primary Kim? What, did she let a train get run on her before the Posche show?), it could possibly result in becoming a main cast member next season. After all, they are out one Housewife! Hell, the Two Kims should get their own show! That Bethany slut over in NYC got hers and that show consisted of her raging at her mo’ wedding planner and shopping at Costco!

These women aren’t fools, they are business ladies, and they are getting theirs!

Danielle Staub seems to be the craziest, most paranoid middle-aged waspface ever to grace our screens, but she’s on the fast track to becoming a household name! Who else calls the cops when they break a heel and suddenly can not move or breathe after being yelled at after a country club (emphasis on “cunt”) fashion show? Perfection!

And that Ashley girl. Man, have you ever wanted to take off your evening glove, weight it with a brick, and smack a smug teen upside her nosejob? Ooo, Danielle and Teresa are just crazy, but this one is young and immature and thinks she’s Alexis Carrington. When in actuality, she’s attention-starved, sneer-faced imbecile trash (although, props for “un-beweave-able” – even her totally ineffectual mother smirked at that shit). When she was mouthing off to her parents at the end, I wanted her to experience Carrie’s mom, Joan Crawford, and the woman who drove her kids into the lake all at the same time. Can the guy who punched Snookie punch Ashley?

This show is actually so soul-deadening that it gives me chest pains after I watch it for too long. Considering all the bad press Joisee has gotten lately, how hasn’t there been a mass exodus? At this point I would lie and say I was from Cleveland.

“You should just f*cking smile, and blow me.”

July 12, 2010

(ed. note – this is NOT safe for work. Use headphones, and brace yourself.)

From the depths of evil, a heavy-breathing devil rang up Oksana Grigorieva, and verbally set her cellphone on fire with his anger. Radar has now provided us with part two, in which it gets death-threaty and he freely admits he beat on her. If you want to listen to it, here you go.

My favorite part? When Oksana informs (I swear she’s grinning through this..) Mel Gibson that he needs meds, he responds with “WHAT!? WHAT!? I NEED A WOMAN! Not a little girl with a fucking dysfunctional cunt!”

Which is EXACTLY what I told MY therapist when he had the gall…!

I don’t think they’re going to get back together. Especially when he threatens to bury her in the rose garden and tells her she deserved her teeth knocked out. This is some crazy shit. He sounds like Skeletor and this kid had a furious baby. At one point, he gets so worked up that he can only take heaving breaths. You almost feel sorry for the woman-beating, racist twat…if only because there is a spacious padded cell with his name emblazoned on the door in his future. Right? Maybe a little sorry? Eh…

Here’s Mel Gibson Sounding Enraged And Coked Out Of His Mind

July 12, 2010

[redlasso id=”d135898c-f6f7-4bbb-b5d4-4bc6c46565fb”]

First off, you might want to turn the volume down on this bitch because if you’re at your office, someone might thing you’re being attacked in your cubicle by a crazy with racial issues. Or if you’re at home, the kids might think Daddy got into some blow and had a life-changer before he got home. Here’s Mel Gibson making a strong case for a muscle relaxant to be administered or a straight jacket to be tried on in a taped phone call to ex Oksana Grigorieva. Radar acquired the tape.

He flips out about her alleged “foreign bodies” (aka breast implants), and tells the mother of his child that she’s a whore and looks like a “bitch on heat” (which makes her sound like she’s on a stove). My favorite part is when he tells her that her clothes are so slutty that he can see her vagina from the back (it’s like x-Ray ‘gina vision)!

And of course he makes his now infamous comment implying that black guys are running around looking for ladies to rape as a group sporting event.

Why do I get the impression this chick was smiling the entire time as she listened to his mania and watched the recorder’s digital time read-out increase?

Lindsay Lohan Out One Lawyer, Teaching Civics Now

July 9, 2010

Professor Lindsay.

This bitch here. Your Lindsay Lohan is a spoiled cunt update is now available for download. So Lohan’s lawyer got tired of all the leggings sweat, traces of cocaine cut with baby laxative, and crusts of psychotic delusion Lindsay would leave around the office and in her lawyer-type Escalade. So she has parted ways with her client. TMZ says that when they contacted Shawn Chapman Holley‘s office, she told their asses that she and Lindsay were over.

Lohan’s preferred method of communication (besides Twitter, god love her) is now nail sculpture. So maybe legal eagle Holley flashed her own fuckfinger at Lindsay with the digit-ized message of “get new counsel, crazy bitch” at her.

You know Lindsay’s Dad has already tried to contact her (throwing a note tied to a brick through her window) to offer his legal services.

And Lindsay apparently thinks that her civil rights are being violated because she’s being sent to prison. Bitch thinks she’s the Rosa Parks of lawfully prosecuted drunk-driving, multiple probation violating coke whores! Lindsay will NOT be sent to the back of the bus! She Twittered this mess this other night. There’s some other bullshit, too. I think her Twitter should be renamed #Some Other Bullshit.

It is clearly stated in Article 5 of the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights that, “No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.”

There really is our world and then the glorious world in her head that caters solely to Lindsay Lohan, huh? In her world, there should be parades in support of her skank ass and the Miami Heat should be looking to sign her.

Mel Gibson Admitted Chris Brown-ing His Ex On Tape

July 8, 2010

As soon as I got the evil drunken overbite look, I woulda been out the door...

And he wasn’t exactly apologetic about it. Which I almost admire him for. If you’re going to be a psychotic racist woman beater, it’s almost better if you don’t simper about it in a bid to keep your fanbase afterwards. Just tell her she deserved it. Like Mel Gibson did!

Oksana Grigorieva was somehow able to keep her wits about her (despite Melly Mel reportedly knocking two teeth out of her mouth with his Christian fists while she was allegedly holding their newborn daughter Lucia, by the by) and basically taped every hideous thing that came out of his Holocaust-denying mouth. Including this gem, courtesy of Radar:

On tape, a teary Oksana is heard asking Mel, “What kind of a man is that who would hit a woman when she is holding a child in her hands, hitting her twice in the face?

“What kind of a man is that?” the Russian musician repeats.

The Braveheart star responds: “You know what — you f**cking deserved it.”

That’s sweet. Hands if we think Mel needs to retire to a shanty over near Ayers Rock to await a dingo eating his evil face? Seriously, this is why I don’t trust overtly religious people who build their own churches and start their own congregations. Because they’re usually crazy or evil. Or just evil. CREVIL?

Oh, and Oksana also is said to have a DVD in her collection (next to Bird On A Wire!) which contains photos of her post-Mel’s “teachings from the Lord” (i.e. face all jacked up after he beat her).

And props to Oksana, because he might have cost her a couple of teeth but bitch is getting hers. Bend over, Mel. Oskana’s strap-on says CAREER FAIL all over it.

p.s. Ok, I just did some research. And did you know that Mel’s upcoming film features him starring as a dude who only communicates via a BEAVER PUPPET ON HIS HAND? And that Jodie Foster directed it? That sounds so awful that I think….the bad publicity might actually HELP ticket sales if they release it? You know your movie needs artificial resuscitation if your star punching the mother of his child in the face and then telling her she deserves it might actually get it to a Redbox in the Wal-Mart.

Lindsay’s Parents Upholding The Family Tradition Of “Whorish Moron”

July 7, 2010

I'd rather have Fred and Rosemary West as parents (look it up)...

Ooh, is anyone else hung over from the Lindsay Is Going To Jail party? I am. I think someone slipped me a roofie right after our third viewing of I Know Who Killed Me, and I woke up with the Duff sisters on top of me. You know those old-school tween stars raised a glass last night cuz’ bitch went down!

As expected, Dina Lohan acted her usual enabling stagemom “who’s gonna float me my Xanax money?” self yesterday when Lohan’s tearbombs burst as she heard she was going to do a bid and Dina heard the verdict. Here’s what Popeater says she said:

“This is so not fair to do this to my child,” a flabbergasted Dina Lohan told PopEater exclusively shortly after Judge Marsha Revel made the announcement.

Come again? Fair?!?!

Someone on Facebook mentioned that they sorta kinda felt bad for Lindsay because it’s fairly obvious this aging hag supported her ass by building the “you can do anything you want, you’re Supergirl, now sign this check for Mommy” scaffolding around her. Which made her a sociopath. Frankly, I think that as an adult, you can’t blame your shithead behavior on your parents. There is something called “responsibility.” RiRi Harvey once made me wear Chinese knock-off Nikes from Building #19 with the swish REVERSED and in GOLD LAME (they would be so hot nowadays) to school and I haven’t raped a nun, yet. Although it totally made me like boys…

But nevertheless it IS obvious that Lohan had next to no chance to even OBSERVE how a normal adult carries themselves while growing up. Not that it excuses anything. I wouldn’t excuse her from the Sarlac pit at this point, she’s so awful.

Oh, and don’t think Manic Mike Lohan didn’t show his crazy self outside the courtroom. Firstly, word is he tried to barge INTO the courtroom during the proceedings to attempt to read some sort of statement on behalf on Lindsay. Keep in mind that his entire estranged family wants nothing to do with him, and he is INSERTING himself into the center for attention. This is a grown-ass man. And check this out:

While he declined to issue a comment following the sentencing (ed. note – he must have had food in his mouth or something), his spokeswoman baffled reporters when she urged Lohan to report to rehab immediately, apparently unaware the actress must first go to jail. When corrected by an onlooker, the unidentified rep said the rehab portion of the ruling was “a great victory” for the Lohan family.

So basically, even their EMPLOYEES are crackers. Then again, this was probably some slut he met down the pub and declared her his “spokeswoman.” Right?

Either Dave Chappelle Still Hasn’t Got His Sanity Back, Or He Fails To Realize Meta-Comedy Doesn’t Fly On Airplanes

July 5, 2010
Considering the subject of this story, Google Images was pretty on point when it supplied me with this image for "Dave Chappelle crazy."

Considering the subject of this story, Google Images was pretty on point when it supplied me with this image for "Dave Chappelle crazy."

When I first read this story, I was wondering if there were some cameras hidden somewhere and Dave Chappelle was just trying to engineer some sort of “funny” incident on a plane to show to an audience later…as in “Crazy Celebrity Interferes With Flight Because He Couldn’t Find The Bathroom And Gets Mistaken For A Terrorist” or “Crazy Celebrity Decides To Do Stand-Up Routine In Cockpit To Amuse Pilots And Hilarity Ensues.”  But, no, it sounds like he’s still completely crackers.  Bitch is lucky he didn’t get his ass clubbed by a flight attendant with a fire extinguisher!

TMZ says that former comedic superstar Dave Chappelle was responsible for causing a private jet bound for Ohio to instead land in Pittsburgh Friday night when Rick James was found to be a safety risk. “I’m here to crash your plane, bitch!”

During the flight, we’re told Dave “freaked out” and refused to put his seat belt on. Then — according to sources — Dave repeatedly walked into the cockpit, asking how much longer the flight would be, and started grabbing the pilot’s arms.

And the pilot merely landed? If this was a civilian, he would have ended up hogtied with seat belts, with one fashioned into a noose around his throat, and the aforementioned fire-extinguisher wielding flight attendant would have upgraded to running the drink cart over his damn head. Grabbed the pilot’s arm? Capt. Friendly had every right to pull out a piece and stick it in Dave’s nostril at that point!

Oh, and it gets weirder. Dave’s rep claims that this was all caused because Dave ate something that disagreed with him and didn’t find the bathroom on the jet to be adequate for what he had to do. I’m not one for bathroom humor (I’m a lady) but damn, what did you eat that was causing you to take down a plane to find a sturdier bathroom?

A rep for Chappelle explains the incident to TMZ by saying Dave really needed to use the restroom — he ate something that didn’t sit well — and the bathroom on the plane was “not the kind he needed.”

Uh, ok. Chappelle reportedly checked into a Pittsburgh hotel that evening and was then said to have been looking for a car to drive to his home in Ohio. Except that he was said to admit that he didn’t know where he lived. Ok, well it’s time to stop smoking crack out of lightbulbs and get your shit together. Because your show was really funny and you were a major talent and now your time is spent trying to find…lead-lined bathrooms to smoke your stuff in?

Don’t you fucking make me regret watching that Mad Real World skit with the white guy with all the hard ghetto roommates seven THOUSAND TIMES because I laughed so hard when Tron mentioned that “Katie’s ‘s got some big-ass titties, man!” Oh my god, and we laughed.

2005 was not a good year for Dave when he went insane and ended that show and went to South Africa.  Make this your ringtone like I did. This is what the Harvey boys say to each other when we meet up.

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