Archive for the ‘We’ll miss you…or something’ Category

God Sent Someone To Take Out Paris Hilton

August 25, 2010

My god, I can smell her from here...

Paris took this picture. I always find what people wear to a stabbing fascinating. I think I would wear something more flamboyant. Like safety goggles and a big yellow raincoat.

Rain, rain, DON’T go away! Seriously, it’s 20,000 fathoms under Morrissey Blvd. and I am LOVING it. It’s like someone turned my psychotic depression inside out and splashed it all over the world! And then everyone goes to their Facebooks and they’re like “WAH! I’m WET!” and I say “HA! So are all of your dreams!” And….*looks around*..uh, well someone tried to kill Paris Hilton.

What’s the first thing you do while police are subduing a dude who showed up at the door with two big knives, looking for an autograph in blood? You hop on your Twitter, obvi! Here’s what Paris had to say:

“So Scary, just got woken up to a guy trying to break into my house holding 2 big knifes,” she said. “Cops are here arresting [him].”

The Whore of Babylon noted the amateur knife salesman Nathan Lee Parada on her security cam at 6 AM when he began pounding on her windows and lit up 911. A “male friend” (that poor bastard, why?) confronted the intruder while Paris spread for attention on Twitter.

The light coming off of her nuclear herp sores has dimmed in recent years, and she has been eclipsed by other celebrity tramps such as former friend Kim Kardashian. So anything to get back in the public eye and achieve even a slight bit of relevancy even if it’s your own attempted murder. One wonders whether or not she would have still been Tweeting even as he stabbed her.

TMZ reports that sad sack Parada (seriously, who stalks Paris Hilton anymore?) was charged with felony burglary.

The DA tried to get attempted murder on there but everyone merely laughed at Ed Exley’s crusading ways and reminded him that trying to cut off Paris Hilton’s head is pretty much community service. Christ, play soccer with it. Or use it for one of those home Barbie heads that little girls and gay kids used to style back in the 70s.

Here’s Mel Gibson Sounding Enraged And Coked Out Of His Mind

July 12, 2010

[redlasso id=”d135898c-f6f7-4bbb-b5d4-4bc6c46565fb”]

First off, you might want to turn the volume down on this bitch because if you’re at your office, someone might thing you’re being attacked in your cubicle by a crazy with racial issues. Or if you’re at home, the kids might think Daddy got into some blow and had a life-changer before he got home. Here’s Mel Gibson making a strong case for a muscle relaxant to be administered or a straight jacket to be tried on in a taped phone call to ex Oksana Grigorieva. Radar acquired the tape.

He flips out about her alleged “foreign bodies” (aka breast implants), and tells the mother of his child that she’s a whore and looks like a “bitch on heat” (which makes her sound like she’s on a stove). My favorite part is when he tells her that her clothes are so slutty that he can see her vagina from the back (it’s like x-Ray ‘gina vision)!

And of course he makes his now infamous comment implying that black guys are running around looking for ladies to rape as a group sporting event.

Why do I get the impression this chick was smiling the entire time as she listened to his mania and watched the recorder’s digital time read-out increase?

Lindsay Lohan Out One Lawyer, Teaching Civics Now

July 9, 2010

Professor Lindsay.

This bitch here. Your Lindsay Lohan is a spoiled cunt update is now available for download. So Lohan’s lawyer got tired of all the leggings sweat, traces of cocaine cut with baby laxative, and crusts of psychotic delusion Lindsay would leave around the office and in her lawyer-type Escalade. So she has parted ways with her client. TMZ says that when they contacted Shawn Chapman Holley‘s office, she told their asses that she and Lindsay were over.

Lohan’s preferred method of communication (besides Twitter, god love her) is now nail sculpture. So maybe legal eagle Holley flashed her own fuckfinger at Lindsay with the digit-ized message of “get new counsel, crazy bitch” at her.

You know Lindsay’s Dad has already tried to contact her (throwing a note tied to a brick through her window) to offer his legal services.

And Lindsay apparently thinks that her civil rights are being violated because she’s being sent to prison. Bitch thinks she’s the Rosa Parks of lawfully prosecuted drunk-driving, multiple probation violating coke whores! Lindsay will NOT be sent to the back of the bus! She Twittered this mess this other night. There’s some other bullshit, too. I think her Twitter should be renamed #Some Other Bullshit.

It is clearly stated in Article 5 of the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights that, “No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.”

There really is our world and then the glorious world in her head that caters solely to Lindsay Lohan, huh? In her world, there should be parades in support of her skank ass and the Miami Heat should be looking to sign her.

Mel Gibson Admitted Chris Brown-ing His Ex On Tape

July 8, 2010

As soon as I got the evil drunken overbite look, I woulda been out the door...

And he wasn’t exactly apologetic about it. Which I almost admire him for. If you’re going to be a psychotic racist woman beater, it’s almost better if you don’t simper about it in a bid to keep your fanbase afterwards. Just tell her she deserved it. Like Mel Gibson did!

Oksana Grigorieva was somehow able to keep her wits about her (despite Melly Mel reportedly knocking two teeth out of her mouth with his Christian fists while she was allegedly holding their newborn daughter Lucia, by the by) and basically taped every hideous thing that came out of his Holocaust-denying mouth. Including this gem, courtesy of Radar:

On tape, a teary Oksana is heard asking Mel, “What kind of a man is that who would hit a woman when she is holding a child in her hands, hitting her twice in the face?

“What kind of a man is that?” the Russian musician repeats.

The Braveheart star responds: “You know what — you f**cking deserved it.”

That’s sweet. Hands if we think Mel needs to retire to a shanty over near Ayers Rock to await a dingo eating his evil face? Seriously, this is why I don’t trust overtly religious people who build their own churches and start their own congregations. Because they’re usually crazy or evil. Or just evil. CREVIL?

Oh, and Oksana also is said to have a DVD in her collection (next to Bird On A Wire!) which contains photos of her post-Mel’s “teachings from the Lord” (i.e. face all jacked up after he beat her).

And props to Oksana, because he might have cost her a couple of teeth but bitch is getting hers. Bend over, Mel. Oskana’s strap-on says CAREER FAIL all over it.

p.s. Ok, I just did some research. And did you know that Mel’s upcoming film features him starring as a dude who only communicates via a BEAVER PUPPET ON HIS HAND? And that Jodie Foster directed it? That sounds so awful that I think….the bad publicity might actually HELP ticket sales if they release it? You know your movie needs artificial resuscitation if your star punching the mother of his child in the face and then telling her she deserves it might actually get it to a Redbox in the Wal-Mart.

Today Was Basically Christmas For You If You Think Lindsay Lohan Sucks

July 6, 2010

Is it my birthday?

Not only did Lindsay Lohan get sentenced to 90 (count em, 90) days in the joint, but the LA Times reports that she was served papers WHILE IN THE COURTHOUSE ELEVATOR TODAY informing her that she is being sued by an LA boutique for neglecting to return $17,000 worth of clothing. You know, what other people usually refer to as “theft.” But still, even when she gets out of jail, bitch is going right back to court for being shady and shifty and cokey. That’ll learn her.

The civil suit alleges that Lohan defrauded a Los Angeles boutique, Church, out of nearly $17,000 worth of clothing and accessories, TMZ reported Friday. Lohan is accused of telling the owners that her business manager would settle the bill — but only $180 was ever paid, the owners said.

In my eyes, the very worst thing you can do as a celebrity (well besides like eating children or something) is assuming everything you do is paid for. Even if, unlike this dreg, you’re an actual working actress or musician or artist. You don’t think Meryl Streep is running out on a tab, do ya? And this freckled slattern is assuming people will just hand her goods and services because she was in The Parent Trap? Girl, bye!

Oh, and word is Lindsay wouldn’t take the papers so the process server just threw them at her hooves and bailed. Apparently, that’s all you have to do in Cali to serve a bitch. She probably stared down at them uncomprehendingly. What a day for her. Even crazy dumptruck Britney Spears has a moue of disgust on her face towards her. The only way this could have gotten any better for us is if she left the courthouse to find her tires slashed and then someone hit her in the face with a pie.

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Fast Forward To 4:27 For The Schadenfreude Of A Lifetime

July 6, 2010

Before the fall...

If you’re unaware what that is, here you go.
It should be my middle name because I am a bitch. But not in this case because that entitled cokehead snotty skank known as Lindsay Lohan is GOING TO JAIL. Can you feel a brand new day? Someone call out the Lollipop League and wheel in the keg, cuz’ it’s party time.

Can you think of anyone more deserving of jailtime than this fake-ass delusional ho? For going on years now, she has evaded prosecution for numerous offenses, managing to weasel out of just about every charge brought against her. She has repeatedly made the Los Angeles court system seem like the most dickless and ineffectual provider of justice since George Clooney starred as Batman. And why? Because she’s a cokey actress who was briefly relevant? But now you might want to send an Edible Arrangement to Judge Marsha Revel because that stand-up lady of the cloth (wait…robe?) just sent Lindsay Lohan to jail for 90 days. Huzzah!

Skeezy Lohan will reportedly be going to jail for 90 days and then entering rehab (I’m sure that will take) for another 90 for violating her DUI probation by skipping out on her booze classes. Finally, someone with a real set of pendulous low-hangers (sorry, Judge) just smacked that bitch upside her dried-out crackie face. Let’s complete this slash and burn on Lindsay’s entitlement by driving to Long Island and slapping her friggin’ whoring cokemom, family apologist Dina Lohan. Hell, why stop there? Kick ole’ Ali in the ass, too, and don’t even get me started on that douchebag father with the desperation to be on camera and the cellphone on his belt and the turtlenecks. I could go on for hours.

So enjoy the sentencing. Right after Lindsay gives this simpering, bullshit plea for mercy (the lawyer must have shook her roughly immediately before court and said “bitch, you betta say this or you are screwed, you crawl under her robe and kiss her ass, now!”), the judge ignores it, gives her 90 days in the clink, and Lindsay bursts into tears which cleansed my soul. Good. Next! We’re looking at you, Charlie Sheen.

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Either Dave Chappelle Still Hasn’t Got His Sanity Back, Or He Fails To Realize Meta-Comedy Doesn’t Fly On Airplanes

July 5, 2010
Considering the subject of this story, Google Images was pretty on point when it supplied me with this image for "Dave Chappelle crazy."

Considering the subject of this story, Google Images was pretty on point when it supplied me with this image for "Dave Chappelle crazy."

When I first read this story, I was wondering if there were some cameras hidden somewhere and Dave Chappelle was just trying to engineer some sort of “funny” incident on a plane to show to an audience later…as in “Crazy Celebrity Interferes With Flight Because He Couldn’t Find The Bathroom And Gets Mistaken For A Terrorist” or “Crazy Celebrity Decides To Do Stand-Up Routine In Cockpit To Amuse Pilots And Hilarity Ensues.”  But, no, it sounds like he’s still completely crackers.  Bitch is lucky he didn’t get his ass clubbed by a flight attendant with a fire extinguisher!

TMZ says that former comedic superstar Dave Chappelle was responsible for causing a private jet bound for Ohio to instead land in Pittsburgh Friday night when Rick James was found to be a safety risk. “I’m here to crash your plane, bitch!”

During the flight, we’re told Dave “freaked out” and refused to put his seat belt on. Then — according to sources — Dave repeatedly walked into the cockpit, asking how much longer the flight would be, and started grabbing the pilot’s arms.

And the pilot merely landed? If this was a civilian, he would have ended up hogtied with seat belts, with one fashioned into a noose around his throat, and the aforementioned fire-extinguisher wielding flight attendant would have upgraded to running the drink cart over his damn head. Grabbed the pilot’s arm? Capt. Friendly had every right to pull out a piece and stick it in Dave’s nostril at that point!

Oh, and it gets weirder. Dave’s rep claims that this was all caused because Dave ate something that disagreed with him and didn’t find the bathroom on the jet to be adequate for what he had to do. I’m not one for bathroom humor (I’m a lady) but damn, what did you eat that was causing you to take down a plane to find a sturdier bathroom?

A rep for Chappelle explains the incident to TMZ by saying Dave really needed to use the restroom — he ate something that didn’t sit well — and the bathroom on the plane was “not the kind he needed.”

Uh, ok. Chappelle reportedly checked into a Pittsburgh hotel that evening and was then said to have been looking for a car to drive to his home in Ohio. Except that he was said to admit that he didn’t know where he lived. Ok, well it’s time to stop smoking crack out of lightbulbs and get your shit together. Because your show was really funny and you were a major talent and now your time is spent trying to find…lead-lined bathrooms to smoke your stuff in?

Don’t you fucking make me regret watching that Mad Real World skit with the white guy with all the hard ghetto roommates seven THOUSAND TIMES because I laughed so hard when Tron mentioned that “Katie’s ‘s got some big-ass titties, man!” Oh my god, and we laughed.

2005 was not a good year for Dave when he went insane and ended that show and went to South Africa.  Make this your ringtone like I did. This is what the Harvey boys say to each other when we meet up.

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Chris Brown Had Better Sob!

June 28, 2010
MJ should be looking down at him like "Really? Really, Chris?"

The BET Awards were held last night, and Chris Brown was responsible for the Michael Jackson tribute (he died a year ago around this time). They couldn’t get Usher? At least Usher didn’t punch a lady about the head and shoulders. That we know of. Sure, Usher is an annoying twat but he didn’t try to launch a album on the heels of a domestic abuse charge, either. And Usher can dance! Sorta. He does a lot of kinda sluggish popping and locking and a couple of steps, usually down stairs that light up. Seriously, shoulda gone with Usher.

Oh, and the gist of this post is that Bust-her Brown got all choked up during his tribute and couldn’t finish singing “Man in the Mirror.” I’d get weepy, too, if I had Ike Turnered my girlfriend and everyone found out about it and my career did that thing that dirgible did back in the 1800s when the announcer was screaming and it just BLEW UP and not in a good way. And then had to look in a mirror.

(Sorry, the video is such a suckjob, but BET is being hainty about the rights.)

He was so tearstricken that he reportedly had to be led off the stage by Jermaine Jackson. So the debate is on as to whether he was really touched by an angel known as MJ or staging the emotional flash flood to get the public back on his side. I am one cynical bitch, so I’m going to say he’s crying because of all the bits of green paper that are currently flying out of his windows.

To get over this farce, we need to pray over the outfit Prince wore to the show last night. It will fill you up and put you firmly on the path you need to be on. Because someone needs to wear a spaceship turtleneck with their own likeness emblazoned about it. And his name is Prince. And he is funky.

Girlfriend is lookin' like Malificent and the Grinch had a baby lately...

Girlfriend is lookin' like Malificent and the Grinch had a baby lately...

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Gone Too Soon: An Amanda Bynes Career Retrospective

June 21, 2010

Is it REALLY a coup to look like a kumquat? Really?

Is it REALLY a coup to look like a kumquat? Really?

No, Penny Pingleton ain’t dead. But she did launch a thousand screaming sobs and God-cursing dives onto the coffin when she recently Twittered that she has left acting for good. Amanda Bynes, star of…that show with Kelly Taylor from 90210, and didn’t she have some sort of comedy thing on Nickelodeon when she was little…and uh, I think she foolishly re-did that awesome 80s movie where the girl poses as a dude in high school to like, uncover sexism (cuz’ no one noticed it before) and falls in love with the rebel. *tentatively* That was it, right? I mean it’s Amanda fucking Bynes. It’s not like Vanessa Redgrave has tapped out here. Oh, and she played Penny Pingleton. Mandy, no!

I’ve never written the movies & tv shows I’ve been apart of I’ve only acted like the characters the producers or directors wanted me to play
6:58 AM Jun 19th via web

Being an actress isn’t as fun as it may seem
6:59 AM Jun 19th via web

If I don’t love something anymore I stop doing it
7:47 AM Jun 19th via web

I don’t love acting anymore so I’ve stopped doing it
7:48 AM Jun 19th via web

I know 24 is a young age to retire but you heard it here first I’ve #retired
7:50 AM Jun 19th via web

Well, that’s it folks. Bynes out. You know Amanda doesn’t….wait…wow….jesus christ, look at that pic. That bitch is ORANGE. Remember back in the Marie Antoinette era when women wanted to be as pale as possible because it meant they didn’t work out in the fields? That script got flipped, huh?

For more of Amanda’s performing prowess, fast forward to 1:15. Uta Hagen herself couldn’t have gotten more emphasis out of “SeeWUHED!”

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