Archive for the ‘Wild Ass Bitches’ Category

Temp Diary, Final Day (1)

March 19, 2015

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The man in slush-dirtied Kenneth Cole knock-offs trudged through the industrial park. The Cup O’ Noodles clutched in his angry, defeated, ashamed, rueful hand followed. Or something to that Stephen King’s The Gunslinger series effect.

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Joan Rivers And I Feel The Same Way About Dancing With The Stars

August 31, 2010

I feel you, mama-san.

Joan Rivers told E! that the producers of Dancing With The Stars can “go fuck themselves” for never asking her to particpate. Old girl might be 77 and had enough plastic surgery that she’s transformed from Jewish to Asian, but she is up for the challenge!

“I would do it for the exercise,” she said. “Making yourself dance everyday for six hours a day I think would be so great.”

I only watched DWTS when Joey Fatone was on and bouncing that big linebacker ass around like he was sending me a message in morse code. That message was “Dot Dot Dash, J. Harvey take this ass.” Apparently, security at DWTS wasn’t apprised of his sexy invitation to me. Do you know that those Taser things have barbs and get hooked in your skin? Damn!

Back to Joan. This summer I checked out Piece of Work, which follows a year in Joan’s life documentary-style. And let me tell you this. While the rest of you are choosing between Value Menu Option #2 and #6 so you don’t have to cook when you get home, Ms. Rivers is trekking her ancient ass to the wastelands of Alaska to perform comedy for three loggers and a legless Inuit woman! BITCH WORKS! She hustles! Seriously, she’s in her late 70s and works EVERY SINGLE DAY. This is why the older generation has one up on us, their work ethic is pretty much unparalleled. Joan realizes she has to pay for her upkeep, because her apartment looks like Versailles. No lie. You expect Kirsten Dunst to run by holding her hoop skirt out while a Strokes song plays in the background as Joan shows off her hovel.

I grew to admire her. She was pretty much ahead of her time. Perhaps realizing that she wasn’t the most beautiful woman in the world, she decided to be the most honest. She was rifling off abortion jokes on daytime talk shows in the early 70s! You didn’t do that back then, especially if you were a woman. A lot of people find Joan to be a disgusting whore and well yeah, but still. She blazed a trail for ALL of these other funny chicks.

Plus I was thrilled when I noted that she keeps a library card catalog filing system full of jokes in her office! It spans a wall! Who doesn’t like a Dewey Decimal system of anal sex jokes told by a woman in her 70s?

Remind Me To Start Watching ‘House’ Regularly

July 22, 2010

Do drugs with us. Or get out. Here's your throwing knife.

What the devil is going on over at the House set? It sounds like a non-stop sadomasochistic cocainya disco party! I will say that a friend of a friend used to work in the costume department over there and claims Cuddy is totally seeing people next Tuesday with demands for flunkies to be available to tie her shoelaces. True story. Bend over like the rest of us do, hooker! TMZ is reporting that a former assistant prop master for the show named Carl Jones is suing producers and other people on the set over some CRAZY shit. He was fired in March.

In the suit, Jones claims he was harassed by two of his supervisors for refusing to engage in “visits to strip bars, participation in getting drunk, stoned or intoxicated on cocaine, to participate in sexual conduct at the trailer, and other dangerous conduct.”

Jones claims the supervisors would often refer to him — and other employees — as “fags, pussies, bitches, slaves, dummies, retards and idiots.”

Jones also claims one of his supervisors brought a gun to the set “several times”

Sounds like my last job. Carl also says there was knife-throwing on the set while drunk on tequila (Party! You know that Jennifer Morrison ho is good with a shank) and that his complaints to an executive producer were what got him blackballed and then fired. He says that this left him massively depressed and somehow physically injured. He is suing NBC Universal for a cool million. House’s masters are saying that the suit is “without merit.”

I always knew the dude from Dead Poets’ Society would slap me in the face with “fag!” and demand I blow some coke off a stripper’s hey nanny nanny if I ever partied with him. You know he’s got a freaky secret.

And if I may impart my view on House. I’ve watched the show a couple of times, and it’s entertaining. But if that twat with the cane started giving me sarcasm and shade when I was laying there dying? I would rise up and hit that bug-eyed slut in the face with my IV pole! Not cute.