Posts Tagged ‘Lindsay Lohan’

Paris Hilton TOTALLY Jacking Lindsay Lohan’s Useless Cokewhore Swag

September 1, 2010

I would use my limited Photoshop skills to clumsily draw rifle sights over their faces but I don't want the police to come after me. Celebrities can do that!

I KNEW IT! For real. No one just opens up the purse they’re carrying and dumps out a bag of powder in front of the police. How sick is it that these crazed sinkhole bitches will commit felonies just to get back in the limelight? Does it really raise your appearance fee up that much? Word is that Paris Hilton, jealous that Freckles McLeggins (Lindsay Lohan) got so much press from her recent incarceration, PLANNED to get busted for cocainya. Is it bad to wish someone could be sent through a crematorium but still be alive? We could make the coffin pretty at least..

E! has the speculation this morning. Did wall-eyed fuck pony Hilton get so jealous of her former friend Leggins McEffYouNail’s recent infamy that she got pulled over on the Vegas strip on purpose? Her and the gentleman she is currently allowing in her nethers were rollin’ down the street, with weed smoke BILLOWING out of their car. After being yanked, Hilton asked the cop if she could go use the bathroom at the Wynn. He escorted her, at which time she asked for her bag back to get some lip chap (herpes sores need soothing) and she let a Ziplock fulla .8 grams of disco dust fly outta there.

Paris dialed up the obvious and said it was someone else’s bag, despite the presence of her credit cards in said bag. You know, the ones that had her name printed on them.

And I can see it. It’s not far-fetched. She and her dude were probably frantically sucking on joints to create enough of a smoke signal to attract law enforcement. How much weed do you have to smoke so that people can VISIBLY SEE THE CLOUD AS YOU ARE DRIVING PAST THEM? Did she step out of the car with dreds in?

So far, she’s free and clear because celebrities can sink an axe into the heads of babies and MAYBE get a ticket. They really are a class of people valued higher than the rest of us by the dreck that runs this world. Then again, E! and I propagate the mess by reporting on these people. I mean this E! report is basically just me speculating on that skank’s motivation, but with a nicer looking blog and better pay. It wasn’t a news story. So we’re actually worse than she is. If it makes everyone feel better, my life is a pit of shadows.

Hopefully this will backfire on her caricature ass and she ends up in jail for a long time. Actually eff that, hopefully she ends up in some serial killer’s dungeon and experiencing the table saw. Serial killers need to leave off killing innocent people and going for the ones no one likes. Like her.

In other news, I saw a man today wearing a livestrong bracelet and carrying a copy of the The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. And I wanted to behead him. Is that bad? Where was your The North Face backpack? Can we talk about The Office?

Smirky Bitch Lindsay Lohan Behind Bars

July 20, 2010

No, I didn't pull this off TMZ. *looks shiftily around*

A smirking Lindsay Lohan was late for court this morning, but that didn’t prevent mythical goddess of truth Judge Marsha from having her clapped into cuffs and hustled off to the reformatory. Girl, bye! Here’s the mug shot. I don’t know why she’s thinkin’ she’s cute. This is not the situation of a refined society lady.

And get this shit – so since O.J. savior Robert Shapiro dove screaming out of Lindsay’s limo of entitled cuntiness and did a roll onto the highway to escape her, Shawn Chapman Holley came back! What? Then again, LiLo will be behind bars so she really only had to deal with her awful ass for a couple of hours. Though I sincerely doubt she’s going to actually get paid. “Do you want this cami top? I only wore it once.”

Oh, and reportedly she’s only going to serve 23 days due to our prison overcrowding problem. Damn, just release a couple of hookers, a murderous nurse, and a black widow killer or two. We need to imprison the REAL EVIL in the world!

To Celebrate Lindsay Lohan Hopefully Going To Prison Day…

July 20, 2010

Nun of This!

This is a still of Lindsay Lohan from Robert Rodriguez‘s upcoming Machete (hopefully prononounced “MA-CHET-EE”). Apparently, Lohan plays my favorite fictional archetype – a nun with a gun! She should totally rock this look when she shows up to do time. Think of all the drugs you can hide in a habit and wimple. Plus, nuns get all the kitty they want. It’s not like Jesus is showing up to twatblock. This entry got gross and offensive.

I just had an awful thought…what if this whole prison thing is just some awful marketing for MA-CHET-EE? What if Lohan stages a prison break and comes out in this and then turns to the TMZ cameras and goes “MA-CHET-EE, September 3, 2010!” and then winks? DON’T YOU DO THIS TO ME, HOLLYWOOD!!!

Lindsay Lohan Accepting Prison? (Out Second Lawyer)

July 20, 2010

How many balloons of cocaine CAN I fit in my vagine?

In a shocking twist, Lindsay Lohan seems to be accepting the fact that she’s about to be ensconced in a comfortable jail cell.

(Fact – It’s not like they will put this mess in solitary with a hole for toilette. She’ll have air conditioning for chrissakes. And a blanket. And she can probably get drugs more easily IN prison than outside it. I’ve seen OZ. They have em’ in condoms or balloons and people put them up themselves. I’m guessing she’s played that game before.)

Lohan brought Walt Disney into it on her Twitter. Eeeks.

the only “bookings” that i’m familiar with are Disney Films, never thought that i’d be “booking” into Jail… eeeks
about 9 hours ago via web

The last time this bitch was looked at by Disney was when she drove by Disneyland in Anaheim on a drug run.

Freckles may have come to the realization that she was definitely donning orange when her newest lawyer, famed O.J. legal eagle Robert Shapiro, rolled his eyes and left.

TMZ reports that Shapiro met with peoples’ hero Judge Marsha yesterday and informed her that he was audi. This is an easy point to make, but this dude represented a man who cut his ex-wife’s head off and killed a waiter as a bonus. Represented him to a “not guilty” verdict. After said psychopath led cops on a high-speed chase. And he couldn’t handle sitting with Lindsay Lohan at a long table for a couple of hours. Make of that what you will.

Stay tuned today to see if Lohan actually turns up at the pokey. Or if she sends Dina in leggins’, a wig and stage freckles.

Lindsay Lohan Out One Lawyer, Teaching Civics Now

July 9, 2010

Professor Lindsay.

This bitch here. Your Lindsay Lohan is a spoiled cunt update is now available for download. So Lohan’s lawyer got tired of all the leggings sweat, traces of cocaine cut with baby laxative, and crusts of psychotic delusion Lindsay would leave around the office and in her lawyer-type Escalade. So she has parted ways with her client. TMZ says that when they contacted Shawn Chapman Holley‘s office, she told their asses that she and Lindsay were over.

Lohan’s preferred method of communication (besides Twitter, god love her) is now nail sculpture. So maybe legal eagle Holley flashed her own fuckfinger at Lindsay with the digit-ized message of “get new counsel, crazy bitch” at her.

You know Lindsay’s Dad has already tried to contact her (throwing a note tied to a brick through her window) to offer his legal services.

And Lindsay apparently thinks that her civil rights are being violated because she’s being sent to prison. Bitch thinks she’s the Rosa Parks of lawfully prosecuted drunk-driving, multiple probation violating coke whores! Lindsay will NOT be sent to the back of the bus! She Twittered this mess this other night. There’s some other bullshit, too. I think her Twitter should be renamed #Some Other Bullshit.

It is clearly stated in Article 5 of the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights that, “No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.”

There really is our world and then the glorious world in her head that caters solely to Lindsay Lohan, huh? In her world, there should be parades in support of her skank ass and the Miami Heat should be looking to sign her.

Lindsay Lohan Was Secretly Telling The Judge To Eff Off In Court Yesterday

July 7, 2010

Wow. Smart. Judges love being told off via nail salon.

Except her extreme subtlety didn’t fly (*eye-roll*) because someone got a pic of it.

CNN reports (which I assume means this isn’t a Photoshop job by someone I would gladly befriend and buy a pint for) that Lindsay Lohan had “FUCK YOU” emblazoned on what Stephen King refers to in one of his novels as “yer fuckfinger” in court yesterday. Check the above picture.

So basically, despite that “I really respect you in the morning despite not even leaving money on the nightstand when I flew off to Cannes” speech to the judge yesterday, she thought she was being slick and throwing shade at Super Judge Marsha. I would have been hurling gavels at this disrespect!

Someone please forward this post and/or the CNN link to Judge Marsha Revel, c/o the LA court system. Contempt of court!

Well, at least Lindsay won’t have to say much when she meets her new girlfriend in jail. She can just flash that digit and they can get to pokin’.

P.S. Thanks, Greg.

Lindsay’s Parents Upholding The Family Tradition Of “Whorish Moron”

July 7, 2010

I'd rather have Fred and Rosemary West as parents (look it up)...

Ooh, is anyone else hung over from the Lindsay Is Going To Jail party? I am. I think someone slipped me a roofie right after our third viewing of I Know Who Killed Me, and I woke up with the Duff sisters on top of me. You know those old-school tween stars raised a glass last night cuz’ bitch went down!

As expected, Dina Lohan acted her usual enabling stagemom “who’s gonna float me my Xanax money?” self yesterday when Lohan’s tearbombs burst as she heard she was going to do a bid and Dina heard the verdict. Here’s what Popeater says she said:

“This is so not fair to do this to my child,” a flabbergasted Dina Lohan told PopEater exclusively shortly after Judge Marsha Revel made the announcement.

Come again? Fair?!?!

Someone on Facebook mentioned that they sorta kinda felt bad for Lindsay because it’s fairly obvious this aging hag supported her ass by building the “you can do anything you want, you’re Supergirl, now sign this check for Mommy” scaffolding around her. Which made her a sociopath. Frankly, I think that as an adult, you can’t blame your shithead behavior on your parents. There is something called “responsibility.” RiRi Harvey once made me wear Chinese knock-off Nikes from Building #19 with the swish REVERSED and in GOLD LAME (they would be so hot nowadays) to school and I haven’t raped a nun, yet. Although it totally made me like boys…

But nevertheless it IS obvious that Lohan had next to no chance to even OBSERVE how a normal adult carries themselves while growing up. Not that it excuses anything. I wouldn’t excuse her from the Sarlac pit at this point, she’s so awful.

Oh, and don’t think Manic Mike Lohan didn’t show his crazy self outside the courtroom. Firstly, word is he tried to barge INTO the courtroom during the proceedings to attempt to read some sort of statement on behalf on Lindsay. Keep in mind that his entire estranged family wants nothing to do with him, and he is INSERTING himself into the center for attention. This is a grown-ass man. And check this out:

While he declined to issue a comment following the sentencing (ed. note – he must have had food in his mouth or something), his spokeswoman baffled reporters when she urged Lohan to report to rehab immediately, apparently unaware the actress must first go to jail. When corrected by an onlooker, the unidentified rep said the rehab portion of the ruling was “a great victory” for the Lohan family.

So basically, even their EMPLOYEES are crackers. Then again, this was probably some slut he met down the pub and declared her his “spokeswoman.” Right?

Today Was Basically Christmas For You If You Think Lindsay Lohan Sucks

July 6, 2010

Is it my birthday?

Not only did Lindsay Lohan get sentenced to 90 (count em, 90) days in the joint, but the LA Times reports that she was served papers WHILE IN THE COURTHOUSE ELEVATOR TODAY informing her that she is being sued by an LA boutique for neglecting to return $17,000 worth of clothing. You know, what other people usually refer to as “theft.” But still, even when she gets out of jail, bitch is going right back to court for being shady and shifty and cokey. That’ll learn her.

The civil suit alleges that Lohan defrauded a Los Angeles boutique, Church, out of nearly $17,000 worth of clothing and accessories, TMZ reported Friday. Lohan is accused of telling the owners that her business manager would settle the bill — but only $180 was ever paid, the owners said.

In my eyes, the very worst thing you can do as a celebrity (well besides like eating children or something) is assuming everything you do is paid for. Even if, unlike this dreg, you’re an actual working actress or musician or artist. You don’t think Meryl Streep is running out on a tab, do ya? And this freckled slattern is assuming people will just hand her goods and services because she was in The Parent Trap? Girl, bye!

Oh, and word is Lindsay wouldn’t take the papers so the process server just threw them at her hooves and bailed. Apparently, that’s all you have to do in Cali to serve a bitch. She probably stared down at them uncomprehendingly. What a day for her. Even crazy dumptruck Britney Spears has a moue of disgust on her face towards her. The only way this could have gotten any better for us is if she left the courthouse to find her tires slashed and then someone hit her in the face with a pie.

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Fast Forward To 4:27 For The Schadenfreude Of A Lifetime

July 6, 2010


Before the fall...

If you’re unaware what that is, here you go.
It should be my middle name because I am a bitch. But not in this case because that entitled cokehead snotty skank known as Lindsay Lohan is GOING TO JAIL. Can you feel a brand new day? Someone call out the Lollipop League and wheel in the keg, cuz’ it’s party time.

Can you think of anyone more deserving of jailtime than this fake-ass delusional ho? For going on years now, she has evaded prosecution for numerous offenses, managing to weasel out of just about every charge brought against her. She has repeatedly made the Los Angeles court system seem like the most dickless and ineffectual provider of justice since George Clooney starred as Batman. And why? Because she’s a cokey actress who was briefly relevant? But now you might want to send an Edible Arrangement to Judge Marsha Revel because that stand-up lady of the cloth (wait…robe?) just sent Lindsay Lohan to jail for 90 days. Huzzah!

Skeezy Lohan will reportedly be going to jail for 90 days and then entering rehab (I’m sure that will take) for another 90 for violating her DUI probation by skipping out on her booze classes. Finally, someone with a real set of pendulous low-hangers (sorry, Judge) just smacked that bitch upside her dried-out crackie face. Let’s complete this slash and burn on Lindsay’s entitlement by driving to Long Island and slapping her friggin’ whoring cokemom, family apologist Dina Lohan. Hell, why stop there? Kick ole’ Ali in the ass, too, and don’t even get me started on that douchebag father with the desperation to be on camera and the cellphone on his belt and the turtlenecks. I could go on for hours.

So enjoy the sentencing. Right after Lindsay gives this simpering, bullshit plea for mercy (the lawyer must have shook her roughly immediately before court and said “bitch, you betta say this or you are screwed, you crawl under her robe and kiss her ass, now!”), the judge ignores it, gives her 90 days in the clink, and Lindsay bursts into tears which cleansed my soul. Good. Next! We’re looking at you, Charlie Sheen.

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Lindsay Lohan’s Booze Monitoring Anklet Went Drinkin’

June 9, 2010
Oh my god, you guys, I think my bracelet's totally drunk...

Oh my god, you guys, I think my bracelet's totally drunk...

A judge issued an arrest warrant for Lindsay Lohan yesterday since she was supposed to stay off the booze as part of her bail agreement for drunk driving charge #11,300.

Why the warrant? Well, her SCRAM bracelet reportedly went off after Lohan’s appearance in glittery jumpsuit at the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday night. It didn’t just go off. The thing drank all the liquor in Mom and Dad’s cabinet, puked in the begonias and took off with the car, crashing into a Dairy Mart and narrowly avoiding killing a Hostess display.

Most of us who are locked into a court-ordered alcohol-detecting jewelry piece are probably going to AVOID DRINKING ALCOHOL. You know, cuz’ of prison. But Lindsay Lohan decided “hey, I’m at an awards show…why does Katy Perry get to drink…fuck this…IMA DRINK!” *sigh*

Granted, who the hell could remain sober at the MTV Movie Awards? Kristen Stewart‘s mean muggin’ would drive anyone to hunker down with the nearest gas can of grain alcohol.

E! reports that the arrest warrant was called off when a bail bondsman put up $20,000 so that Lohan could remain a free boozebag. Btw, her bail was initially $10,000 but it got doubled on account of her being a fucking idiot.

The rolling wreck of a young actress(?) reportedly Tweeted that she had done nothing wrong. “Who do you believe, oshifer, me or some friggin’ *urp* techno-computer thing which is stiflin’ my career and my art? *hic* IT DOESN’T EVEN COME IN PINK! *drunken sob*”

Can she just pull it together and become a realtor at this point? There’s like two roads here…Eventual Overdose and Death St. or Sad Obscurity Ave. Oh sweetie, pick the one where you live! Buy a house there. Replant those begonias. LIVE!

Because if not, some greedy asshole is going to be sellin’ pics of you on a respirator. It happens.

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