Posts Tagged ‘Tom Brady’

Gisele Bundchen Needs To Put A Breast In Her Own Mouth And Shut Up (That Came Out Weird)

August 3, 2010

Eh, which way to the court that will declare global law for me?

So living in Boston means we have to hear a lot more about Gisele Bundchen than you do. Why? Well, she married Tom Brady. Who is like Boston sportsland royalty in these here parts. Exotic Amazonian Bundchen now makes the nightly newscasts. So heavily coiffed bitches on Channel 7 with pantsuits from Ann Taylor Loft have to report her every move in Boston in all seriousness, while the closeted newscaster beside them (not you, Randy Price, we know you’re out and proud – ya big drunk) has to fake some “hubba, hubba” bullshit. Next!

So Gisele just had Brady’s kid Benjamin (except she didn’t get kicked off the gravy train for it like other bitches. Hi, Natasha from Sex & The City) and now she’s giving interviews how she’s the best mother ever as if she was the first woman to have a baby. Arrogant tramp. And she’s also on this kick where she has declared that all women should breastfeed. She even said so in an interview with Harper’s Bazaar (via The Daily Mail). Start your breast pumps, ladies.

“I think breastfeeding really helped. Some people here think they don’t have to breastfeed, and I think, “Are you going to give chemical food to your child, when they are so little?”

“There should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.”

So would that be like, Norfolk County District Court that would do that sort of thing? This ho has been a mom for seven months and now she’s trying to tell you how to raise your kids? EFF THAT! Let me tell ya a little something. I have a friend who was like TERRORIZED by the tit nurse (or whatever you call her, lactation nazi?) after giving birth into giving it a try. My friend (who is a sane woman who loves her two children) said it was comparable to having some sort of demonic lamprey clamped to her boob. DEMONIC LAMPREY!!! Isn’t it enough she massaged a child with her innards out of her cave of pleasures? A BIG CHILD out of a hole that doesn’t really make sense to push people out of? That’s where I say “My body has done it’s part. Let’s go down to the CVS and buy that fake milk stuff!”

My friend opted not to breast feed. It just wasn’t her. The kids will be fine. Watch one of them win the Nobel Prize or cure cancer or kill Miles from Work of Art! Then that kid needs to walk up and slap Gisele Bundchen in her supermodel mouth for being so damn fascist about breast feeding! She should be more worried about this lesbian business her husband has going on. My Mom didn’t breast feed and look how I….shit, you bitches need to breast feed.

The Scariest Picture I’ve Ever Seen: Tom Brady’s New Hairpiece

June 15, 2010


Do you-? I….not sure. Why would….can someone….? Maybe his wife….

We are NEVER going to win another Superbowl.

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